BDSM & Alternative Lifestyle Personals
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Stirring dull roots with spring rain, mixing memor y and desire
3/11/2006 7:59 pm Last Read: |
ah, yes I am feeling wistful. the beginning of spring always shakes me up, makes me restless, hungry, yearning, needing desperately to connect on a human level and, ironically, it is the time of year when my husband withdraws into his own mild depression, missing the rhythms of his hot native land and numerous relatives...here we are isolated, cold, alone, and - despite the fact that we are both loners and enjoy our separate, solitary pursuits, nonetheless, we have drifted apart and...even though our 20th anniversary looms, it seems like an ominous cut-off point rather than cause for celebration. I think if, at this point, we called it quits, nobody could claim we didn't give it a go, 20 yrs after all.... I dont think we make each other happy. I think we love each other, depend on each other, are used to each other... but on many levels, we simply don't connect.. I often imagine our splitting up. Then imagine our getting old together. I dont know. There are ups and downs in every marriage, for sure. We've had them all...this could be our yearly spring down....although its a tough one, I dont know...dont know what's best, best for the kids, for my mental health, for my husband (who is, after all, a GREAT father, a good husband, good man, decent, honest, diligent) If we do split up, I know I will blame myself, fear for my kids' well-being, for my own sanity, for my own sense of anything... we've been together so long, its hard to imagine life without him... I think I should never have gotten married, never should have put myself into a situation where I am accountable....dont like that, makes me go off the deep end. Should have stayed single, gotten more education, stayed more true to my writing, perfecting my craft, really working on it, rather than just dabbling in betweeen making suppers and folding laundry. but I have these two amazing, adorable, wonderful, innocent kids who deserve some stability, love, attention, etc. when do you know when its right to split up? |
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