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"Not a REAL Domme" oh cripes!
11/27/2006 12:19 am Last Read: |
Recently, I was talking with a Domme friend. In the course of our conversation it came up that we'd both been accused of "not being a real Domme" because of actions we chose to take. It is not my place to share her action, but mine was giving a submissive oral sex for Valentines Day. I decided that it would be the perfect gift. He was a very good sub and I sometimes enjoy giving oral sex. We'd been together over a year, I was in the mood and he deserved a special treat. The only time prior to that I'd had my lips on his cock was when he won a blow job off of me in a bet. While many I've talked to say I should have welshed when I lost, my honor means more to me than that. I screwed up. I lost. I paid up. Of course, I used a LOT of teeth and biting in paying off my debt. *smiles* Nothing in the bet had said it had to be a pleasant blow job *evil grin* So giving him a loving, pleasurable blow job was a gift we both enjoyed. When I was asked afterwards what my gift to him had been, people were expecting to hear something like a bad whipping. They were very very surprised. I'm known to be pretty sadistic and for me to have done something that "wasn'tDomme" disconcerted them. I had people telling me that I just wasn't a Domme anymore. My response: "How does doing WHAT I want, WHEN I want, to WHOM I want make me non Dominant?" *deep sigh* First of all, there is no act that is in and of itself Dominant or submissive. The person in control of the act matters. If a Dominant tells you to pick up a whip and to beat them. They've instigated the action. They had you do it. They are in control of the fact it happened. Generally, in a situation like that, the Dominant even directs what they want done. To make this more personal, I'll describe it in terms of myself. I love being fisted; absolutely adore it! Most consider being the recipient of a fisting is a submissive act. But when I am fisted, I tell the male how fast to go, when to add another finger, when to fully enter me, how to hold his hand while he is inside of me, how fast to thrust, how to rotate his hand and such. I also determine when I've had enough, which is usually after themale's arm is shaking with fatigue. The male has no choice in any action during the fisting . Once he is well trained I can trust him to do it on his own without a constant stream of commands, but nothing is ever done that is not solely for me. The act doesn't matter. I controlled it. I am the Dominant. Secondly, I do not recognize any one else's right to tell me how to be Dominant. While other's have contributed to my growth, it was via my listening to anecdotes about their lives or by my observing their actions. I have never allowed anyone to dictate how I would Dominate, who I would Dominate or when. Letting them direct my actions would be me submitting to them. F**K THAT! It is not in my nature to submit! I've gone out and learned more via books, the internet and personal experience than many people. No one else has the right to tell me how to run my life or my subs. No one but my subs and myself have the right to judge me as being or not being a Dominant. Most of those people who will (oh so helpfully) butt into your life trying to tell you what you should or shouldn't do with your Dominance aren't even what I'd consider a Dominant myself. They have all this advice to offer and quite often have never had a real time sub (or Dominant.) While I respect the choice of people to have online relationships of any type, it is not the same as real time. The experience is a LOT different. Yes, you can care deeply about an online sub or Dominant. Yes, you can desire to serve or take with your whole heart. But at the end of the day, if you never get to enforce your will with your own hand, it isn't the same. While I generally keep real time subs (11 to date with the relationships lasting from a few months to two years) I've personally had three online subs, so don't try to tell me I don't know what it is like. I do. I know there can be real emotion. I know there can be real lust and desire. But in the end, you do not have real control over the other person. They can disappear without warning, never to return to the computer. They can turn the computer off if they don't like what is going on. While it did not end this way with any of my subs online, I've watched it happen time and time again to people with whom I chat (both subs and Dominants.) I'm not saying you should never take advice that you find helpful. Choosing to use something that someone has told you is fine, as long as you consider it and decide it works for you. Just don't blindly accept their ideas of how things are done if they don't fit YOU! In my eyes, it is part of aDominant's responsibility to grow and learn. You can't be expected to control someone totally the first time you try. It is a learning journey. Just because you don't Dominate the way someone else does, doesn't make you any less of a Dominant. Just because you're closer to the beginning of your journey than someone else, also doesn't make you any less a Dominant. It just makes you less experienced. Your Dominance comes from inside of you. It is a personal thing. It is not a contest. You don't have a set "finish line." Live, grow and Dominate according to your own needs. If someone else doesn't like it, as long as you're not being abusive then screw them! ( http://alt.com ) |
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