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Tips and Pointers for newer Dominants
5/27/2009 3:25 am Last Read: |
I recently had a local newbie Dominant ask what tips or pointers I could give him. After thinking about it, I came up with a couple and thought I'd share them. Since alt doesn't allow links, I'll tell you what to google to find info when there would usually be a helpful link. Sorry to leave the work up to you.. Example: To read about jelly dildos being toxic google tantusinc and sex underscore ed underscore 002 ~~~~~ It's important to be honest with your sub and to require complete honesty from them in return. Do not assume subs can read your mind. You must communicate your desires. You have to learn to talk about subjects that may make you blush inside with a straight face. Open communication is one of the foundations of a lasting BDSM relationship. Learn to do any type of play before you try it on your own. For some types, it can be as simple as reading an article online or a book talking about it. For other play, such as fire or needles, you MUST have some sort of real life instruction from someone who knows the ins and outs of the play. It simply isn't safe if you don't. Being a Dominant does not equal being an asshole or a bitch. Control is about power, not about acting tough or being rude. Dominance is not a contest. Don't bother getting into pissing contests with other Dominants. There is not some hierarchy of Dominants in regular BDSM. Dominants who regularly get into pissing contests with others are said to have "Tops Disease." Having "Tops Disease" is not generally considered a good thing. Just because you're new doesn't make you any less dominant than any other Dominant. It makes you less experienced. While more experienced Dominants are a wonderful resource for learning, your own style of Domination comes from within. Take what you find useful from each person and let the rest go. Do not be quick to offer a sub a collar any more than you'd be quick to get engaged to be married. Even a training collar is a serious thing. You don't need to put a collar on a sub for them to be known as yours. It isn't there just for ownership, but to indicate commitment. People entering into and out of collars quickly and easily are seen as "players giving out velcro collars" and not generally respected. Certain parts of life come before BDSM obligations. Those include job, education and some familial obligations. Never try to interfere in those and never allow your sub to interfere with yours. Don't ask pointed questions, such as "where do you work" till you get to know someone. Rather ask what field they work in, if you're curious. While you don't need to be paranoid, you should be cautious about sharing personal information at first. Never share any personal information someone gives you with another person. This includes their name, job and address. Sharing such info is called "Outting." Outting is also telling a person's family, friends or work that they are into BDSM. Doing any of the above can result in your being ostracized from the local community. If you see someone you've met at a BDSM venue out in the "normal world" (in a non BDSM setting) do not walk up to them and say "Hello Master/Mistress Asshole Reamer." Someone they know, who is not aware of their BDSM activities, may overhear. Accidental outting is still outting. A scene name may be a good idea. Avoid things that make you sound overblown. GrandMasterofAll will probably offend other Dominants by seeming like you're placing yourself above them. Honorifics that work well in a newbie scene name are things like Sir, Lady, Ms., Mr., Dom, Domme and such. When you're new, using Master or Mistress as part of your title is usually seen as presumptuous. Your scene name doesn't have to contain any honorific. You could simply be known as Black Dagger, Sunshine, Gentle Wolf or whatever makes you happy. When you're ready to get toys, buy a low cost version first to see if you want to invest in that particular toy type, as quality toys can be quite expensive. Paying $30 on ebay.com for a flogger is preferable to spending $150 or $200 and finding out that flogging leaves you cold. (To find floggers on ebay, search on the word flogger.) Get crops and such from a tack store. They're inexpensive items that BDSM stores mark up a lot! Same with any type of toy.. see if you can find it through a "vanilla" retailer. It will usually have a better price, Dildos and butt plugs that are made of a material called "jelly" are toxic. I know they are cheap but it isn't worth it in this case! Google tantusinc and sex underscore ed underscore 002 to learn about the different materials used in insertables. The type of leather used in making a flogger makes a difference as to how it will feel. My personal favorites are elk and bison. One of the softest leathers is deer. To learn more about how to choose a flogger, Google collarchat ladyhugs re: What to look for in a flogger Read about sub drop and aftercare. Aftercare is an essential part of play! Tops can drop also. Google iron-rose and aftercare for some info on drop. There is no "one true way" to do BDSM. While the guidelines of SSC (safe, sane and consensual) are pretty much agreed upon, the idea of what is safe or even sane will vary. Do not try to force your idea of what is right onto another. If you're in a Dungeon and do not think someone is not being safe, do not interfere in the scene yourself. Get a Dungeon Monitor or tell the person at the entrance. What you think is horrid and awful may be a well scripted and executed play scene done by a very experienced person. Not everyone is SSC. There is a standard of playing called RACK- Risk Aware Consensual Kink. If you engage in RACK, be SURE all people involved in the play are fully aware of the risks. Read up on dungeon and play party etiquette before going. Google Dungeon Party Etiquette and read one of the links to learn basic info common to all venues. Your submissive will have needs and things they want. While the "party line" is that it is all about the Dominant, if the sub isn't also getting their needs met, they'll go elsewhere. Don't act in anger and never punish or play while you are angry. Before you control someone else, you must have basic control of your own life. Take responsibility and accept consequences of your own actions. If you do it or say it, own up to it! Do not blame others for your mistake or transfer blame to your submissive. You will make mistakes. The measure of a person is how they deal with correcting their own mistakes. Do not give a submissive a long set of rules all at once. You're both likely to forget them. Set a few reasonable rules and once they've learned them add a few more. Don't overwhelm both of you. You must have a preset punishment for breaking the set rules. You must follow through with punishments for rule breaking. Do not be "all talk." If you tell the sub if you do X, I'll put you over my knee and spank you, if they do X, SPANK THEM. Do not let them give you big eyes and talk you out of it. While a sub may try hard to get out of an unwanted punishment, they tend to not respect a Dominant who doesn't follow through on a "promised" punishment. There is a difference between BDSM and abuse. Google domsubfriends bd-v-ab to learn the difference Learn some BDSM vocabulary. Google towerofbabel indexofterminology for one BDSM Dictionary. Read a good starter page. Googling xeromag fvbdsm brings you to an excellent one. |
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