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Conversational Skills
9/2/2007 1:52 am Last Read: |
original post date: April 29, 2007 I have to develop better conversation skills. There are a few reasons for this. First and foremost among them is that Mistress feels I do not talk enough. She wishes when we are out that I would involve myself in conversation more often. I also enjoy talking, contrary to what some may think. And once involved in conversation, I would also like to be more assertive. I have a tendency to allow others to talk over me and this can be very frustrating. When it comes to frequency of conversation, I am not sure what my problem is. I can be a little shy, but not overly so. I do not lack self respect, and I realize that I can hold intelligent conversations on many topics. Oddly enough, it may be in part my intelligence and the arrogance that can accompany anything one excels at that creates a problem. I do not think I was ever overly arrogant, but was aware of the possibility, and long ago decided to try to be more humble. This included being a better listener. Combine this with my thought that the less you say, the more people pay attention, and you get someone that does not talk a whole lot. Like anything this can be overdone. Instead of my fewer words giving more value to what I say, it has created a habit in people of not really paying attention to me. And I need to realize that you can be humble and still espouse your opinions freely. I've also always had a fear of rejection, and though I don't think it really exists anymore, it created the habit of not striking up conversation if I did not feel I could be engaging. This has stunted my development in learning how to start conversations. Politeness hurts as well. Don't get me wrong, I am proud of my politeness. But sometimes when dealing with dominants you have to be willing to be a little rude. This is very important, because it can hurt to be talked over in a conversation, or to be shut out and ignored in a conversation. Sometimes even feeling like a third wheel. This is not the dominants' fault. They have a point they are trying to make or a story they are trying to tell, and often their focus on this overrides their consideration of others in the conversation. It is their nature and I have no control over it. I can only control my actions and need to call someone on the rudeness, whether it was intended or not. Unfortunately, I fear that this would seem petulant, and this I do not want. And conversation is never my first priority, though it may coincide with it. My top priority is taking care of Mistress's needs, and this sometimes entails my leaving conversations almost mid sentence to see tor Her needs. This is a conflict, because on one hand I am engaging in conversation as she wishes, yet taking care of her immediate needs takes precedence over this. So how do I accomplish my goals? First I need to simply engage more people in conversation, and be more willing to jump into existing conversations. Secondly, I need to stand up for myself in conversations. I can do this without seeming petulant as long as I don't let my frustration build to the point where I lash out. Also, as long as I don't get overbearing, it is ok to give my opinion or show I have brains. I do need to be a little careful in what I say though, because I am married and whatever I say reflects on Mistress as well, and I need to be concerned not only with how I get along with the other person, but with how Mistress does as well. Saying that last part made me realize an important part of this. We are talking about how I do in conversations in our lifestyle or with friends that while mine as well, were first or are more strongly Mistress's. I think perhaps being the submissive in the relationship, I have trouble fully asserting myself around people who know us both. I think I regard them as Mistress's friends primarily, and mine as an adjunct to her relationship with them. This puts me in a position where I cannot always say things I would naturally, and this can make conversation awkward. But I treasure all aspects of our relationship, and must learn to deal with this issue. So what do I do? There are several steps I can take. First, I need to engage more people in conversation, or be willing to jump into an existing conversation. I need to not be concerned whether or not my input will be accepted. I know the value of my input, and that is enough. I also need to realize that while my comments reflect on Mistress, so does my reticence to have conversations. I worry that this is interpreted as my being unsociable, which would reflect badly on Mistress. Mistress also appreciates my thoughts, and it does her a disservice to hide them. I also need to stand up for myself in a conversation. This does not mean getting loud and obnoxious. This means calmly and firmly asserting my right to to be heard. That will be tough, because first I need to realize that it is ok to be a little self centered, that as long it does not infringe on Mistress's needs, that I deserve to indulge my desires as well. I know I am capable of this. I just hope everybody is ready to do a little listening. |
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