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Why I Don't Do....
3/26/2006 7:00 pm Last Read: |
I've had various questions asked of me over the years of being in the BDSM scene. Usually they're the same questions over and over again, and I've usually answered them all with a "because I don't" or "because I want to". People into D/s seem to spend a whole lot of time giving elaborate rationalisations and pseudo-documentation to explain WHY they're into something rather than just saying "Because I like it, that's why!" I've never felt the need to rationalise anything I do. However, as the same questions keep getting asked over and over again (and the first question in particular has made me think), I figured I may as well get them out of the way, and in written form where I can point and say "All your answers are right there." - Why I don't do Domination A friend of mine used the story "The Little Prince and the Fox" as an allegory for BDSM. How you are responsible for what you tame, and how taming a thing makes that thing have more meaning. It was a very glowing report of BDSM's mystique. However, I saw something completely different, due mostly to my experiences: The fox DEMANDED to be tamed by the Prince, giving the Prince a veritable checklist to follow exactly how the taming should be done, the way HE wished it, giving a very glowing report of how wonderful and lasting it should be. Why? Because the fox was bored, and thus taming would somehow make life more interesting. He saw taming as entertainment - solely for his own gratification - and naturally the Prince should oblige. Not only did the Prince not know anything about taming, but he wanted to go and explore the world, do something else, but the Fox begged and begged, so the Prince tamed him. When the Prince had to go - as he had told the Fox he must long before the taming - of course the Fox cried and the Prince felt terrible about it, sorry he'd caused someone harm. At least the Prince was able to realise what was truly important to him and worth "taming" - though I find the idea that something that isn't tamed or cultivated and put into a jar or cage isn't worth anything rather akin to the self-serving, snotty "leather groups" who seem to think anyone who isn't doing BDSM is somehow less of a human being. There's a reason the creature was a fox and not a dog, or some animal not renowned for its cunning and sneakiness. In short - I got tired of being someone else's entertainment, of doing loads of work solely so the other person could sit back and enjoy themselves. A Dominant isn't in control in a D/s situation - the submissive is, and after years as a Pro-Domme, as a lifestyle Dominant, and so on, I got tired of being the whip-wielding automaton who had to constantly come up with different ways to entertain people whose idea of submission was to hand me a list of things they liked, and who would get up and leave if I ever strayed into something I wanted them to do. That a submissive who supposedly believed in worshipping the Goddess in Everywoman would balk at the idea of mowing her lawn without wearing a load of skimpy crossdressing gear, or actually do some proper WORK and not just flouncing around in a maid outfit with a feather duster tried me too hard. Does this mean I'm not a sadist? Don't misunderstand me - I've got a sadistic streak a mile wide. But it usually takes another Dominant or at the very least a switch to be able to keep up with that side of me. I don't follow a rule-book, I'm on the edge and like it there. Understandably, few submissives will teeter on that brink without a load of preparatory work, and I haven't got that kind of time. Hence, I stay out of the Dominant ticky box because my idea of Dominant and most submissives' idea of Dominant are two different things. - Why I don't do submission: The answer to this is very simple - any spanking, hitting, verbal or physical abuse or pain triggers a VIOLENT reaction in me. Thank years of child abuse for this. There is nothing "safe" or "sexy" about being in a submissive role for me. If you hit me, I will take a swing at you, and probably keep coming until someone intervenes and pulls me off you. I go completely, totally feral in submissive situations - hence for other people's safety, I refuse point blank to switch or be submissive in any way, and I don't trust another human being alive enough to even consider "trying" things. There's always someone out there who thinks it's funny or cute to try and press buttons - and that's when I snap the handcuffs and go for your throat. It's just Not A Good Idea. Trust me. Even in non BDSM situations, I can't see myself ever trusting anyone enough to allow them to place me in a situation or headspace where I am totally reliant or wish to please. It's taken me a long time to get the ol' esteem level up to a point where I can cope with rejection, I don't need the co-dependency submission brings. Have I thought about it? Yes. I've always wondered if I was missing something by not having a submissive streak or doing the sub-circuit. Will I ever actually do it? No, no way. I can't even do it with my husband, whom I trust even above myself (and that's saying a lot). He's attempted a few things before, and I nearly kicked him through a wall. There's no "challenge" in this sort of thing. It's just not worth the trouble and emotional mess. So I stay my assertive self. - Why I don't do Latex/Leather/kinky photos The most popular members on the site are the most undressed, or they're wearing Leather/Latex/Pvc and so on. In point of fact, they all rather look the same after a while. I never wear typical BDSM clothing (or even typical Goth clothing, usually), nor do I have "naughty" photos I'll part with any time soon. It's not that I have an aversion taking them, it's just I don't like being yet another big-breasted bird in the buff. I haven't actually put any photos into my goth bellydance album yet because I'm still working on my costume (which isn't that much of a pressing need as I did my back in and I'm currently not doing much dance at the moment). I'll probably do some body shots but they won't be typical when I do them, and being the perfectionist I am I'm not happy with my current wardrobe, unless "allotment chic" is your particular kink. I'd like to think I have at least a shred of originality. I may not get the most hits on the site because I don't have my bum on my front page, but I DO still get hits, and my hotlist is filling up rather rapidly. Perhaps variety is indeed the spice of life, as I seem to be attracting people who are also outside the ticky-box. -Why I don't do "quick fun" Am I a Happy Meal? Please...there's a person in here. I have needs, enjoyments, pleasures of my own. If someone even remotely bothered to read my profile instead of just registering I was female, on this site and therefore probably want to "meet up for a shag", it would be apparent sex is a ritual in sensuality for me. The quick speed-shagging doesn't do a thing for me. It's a dish to have once in a blue moon just for the variety, but it's certainly not something I'd do regularly. I assume, therefore, when people mean "fun" what they're actually saying is "I want to meet up for two hours, we'll immediately leap into sex or a scene, and then we'll pack up and leave. If I never know your name, your favourite colour, what you like to eat, what music you enjoy, then fine by me, as long as I get what I want out of you." I'm entirely too assertive (read too much of a b!tch) to agree to that sort of thing. If foreplay alone isn't taking at least four hours, then you're rushing it, and foreplay doesn't mean just a bit of tickle and lick. It means wine, it means sexy talk while eating dinner, it means building the energy up, working the sensuality, long before the clothes come off. It's got very little to do with golddigging, and more to do with a tantric approach to making every moment, EVERY moment, spent with a lover a brilliant and beautiful thing. This mode of thinking is straight out of tantra here, people, which is more than just bending yourself into cool sexual positions. It's learning to take pleasure in every bite of food you eat, in every mouthful of drink you sip, as much as the first pearl of pre-cum on the tongue. There is an entire ritual feast specifically laid out before the partaking of ritual tantra sex with your partner - from the cut of the food to its freshness, it shows attention and care to detail and pleasure. There is NO pleasure in ripping open a frozen curry packet and sitting in front of the telly. That doesn't awaken me. Passion is an art. It's also apparently a lost and dying art, but that doesn't mean I won't hold out for someone who understands what it means. It doesn't mean I need to lower my standards in any way, and I won't. I'm not a desperate woman, just a picky one. Show me a man that is anything less. -Why I don't just "stay happy with one" Anyone on this site knows the answer to this as a good portion of people are either in relationships themselves and their Others know what they're doing, or you're looking for "discreet". Humans are complex creatures, and I have felt for some time that monogamy is a mistake. We're not designed for it - never have been. We are all complex creatures, and like the Steppenwolf we have more aspects than merely the wolf and man in us. We are Shiva and Shakti - with hundreds of incarnations, thousands of different people and moods and emotions in one person. This isn't schitzophrenia, this is NATURE. So how can one person possibly give you all your needs? I feel it is unfair to think it's possible. If that's too much for you to get your head round, I'll put it like this - I'm a slut, but on my terms, my way. Men can get away with it, women can't, or at least that's the theory. But I do what I want. Impress me and you'll get what you deserve. Don't? Same thing .... And I think that's covered most of the more common questions. Anything else probably falls under "because I want to." Nemaste |
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