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Non-consensual beating
4/4/2006 2:49 am Last Read: |
If I ever wanted to perform a completely non-consensual beating, it would have to be on mainstream fashion designers. I hate mainstream clothing. Hate it. Come on, the stuff everyone wearing right now looks crap, I don't care what size you are. Low-rise jeans on people without hips will NOT make you look like you have curves, it will only make you bulge over the trousers in unflattering ways. It is NOT SEXY. Bulky belts worn over jumpers looked rubbish in the 80's and twenty years hasn't dulled the memory...or improved the look. I had to shop for jeans today. This is something I have tried to avoid since I came to the UK for aforementioned reasons, but as I'm starting a course in jewellry making I need something which can hold up to metalwork, and skirts won't work. So I dragged myself into Evans, the only store in the whole of the UK which can cater even remotely to my size, and even then it's a tossup. I took a "size gauge" by trying on a standard pair of dress slacks without stretch - and was gratified to note yes I have lost weight, and I'm wearing a 20 now (but with my measurements that actually means in the US I'd be wearing an 18. For me, that's awesome). So...I head over to the jeans...I could practically feel the foreboding radiating from the rack. I knew I was doomed before I even started. I go into Evans and first thing I have to do is sort through all the low-rise-off-our-ass-so-we-look- like-we-possess-curves crap, then through the "standard"-translation-if-you're-over-five-foot-five -you-will-look-like-you're-wearing-capris trousers, and I was stuck with a handful. I didn't even think about trying on my new size (Size 20 it seems, so losing weight indeed) because I knew it wouldn't work. Tried a size 22. Couldn't even get them past my thighs. Size 24, same thing, size 26, couldn't button them, size 28, could button but felt too tight. Size 30. I've got about six inches of loose fabric around my waist but they're the only thing I could fit my black booty into. Let's look at the numbers again, shall we? I wear in skirts and regular dress trousers a size 20. The jeans I had to buy were a size 30. SIZE 30! And they don't even fit so I had to buy a cloth tie belt thing as it was all they had that actually could function as a belt, as apparently belts are only to be worn over clothing in a very we-obviously-don't-remember-how-crap-this-looked-in-the-80's style. Who in Goddess' name comes up with this? Who in what clothing creation portion of Hades said "Oh, yes, well we know these sizes are standard, but this year, impossible-jeans are in, so let's ignore the fact women on this planet have hips, and we'll also pretend when we say "top of the legs" we mean it literally, and glutes don't exist. We'll cut them so low people can tell whether women shave their mounds or not, and we'll pinch in the waists so fat bulges over the top, and we'll call it fashion!" I demonstrated this atrocity of fashion-crime to the store manager, first by trying on size 20 trousers, then having to put on the size 30s. She couldn't believe it, but then, she didn't care much, because what's the option? I had to buy them, complete with the craptastic pseudo-belt. So now I've got jeans that are so big they're shapeless everywhere but in the hips, and some bit of frilly dangly cloth I have to tie round just to keep them up, not only making me look like a South American prostitute, but also completely defeating the purpose of buying the damn jeans anyway because I can't have this tassely crap anywhere near a metal grinder or it will snag or catch fire by sparks. Fume... Right, if we're going to re-enact the 80's I'm going all out. I went and bought a load of gel pens, and two bright purple packets of hairdye. I'm doing my hair now (pictures later) and tonight I'll draw all over these godsawful jeans. In the usual way of things, I bet everyone squeals in delight and asks me where I bought them. Whenever I find the fashion moguls of the world, I'll tie them up to the ceiling by their thumbs with a pair of lowrises and beat them with these giant chunky sad leather belts, while saying. "Just because you're thin doesn't mean you have class! Repeat after me - I WILL NEVER DESIGN CRAP CLOTHING AGAIN." |
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