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Sub vs Switch
6/29/2005 5:48 pm Last Read: |
Ok, this gets really long, and goes totally off topic later on. . . didn't mean to tease you with the title! So here's the train of thought. I feel primarily that I am a submissive. I am most comfortable there, and it just feels "right." Its the one that comes most naturally to me. But on the other hand, I'm learning to look at my dominant side more often these days. I find myself more comfortable with it, and although it feels odd, it still seems pretty right. It really depends on who I'm dealing with. For example, my husband. With him, I'm definitely submissive. With my roommate, I'm definitely dominant. If I try to focus on one or the other, someone suffers. Like hell I want to not work on being a great submissive for my husband! But at the same time, my roommate looks to me in the absence of his Mistress. And he is very very new to this. I don't want to let him down either, and feel like I should at least make sure I learn enough about being a domme to keep from hurting him! So how do I balance that? Some say I should pick one or the other and focus. But I just don't think that's fair. (I am apparently having huge issues with unfairness today) To either my husband, or my roommate. Gah. So where do I draw the line? Should I go and give up one or the other? Or should I just balance precariously on this roof, fiddle in hand, and see if it gets a little easier in the future? Eh, maybe I'm stressing it too much. I tend to do that. I'm not a very patient person, and it is a little nerve-wracking. I want things fixed, and I want them fixed now. But no matter what I read, what advice I get, how I look at things upside down, inside out and sideways, I'm stuck. Things just don't happen fast enough. Like this Harley job thing.  And damn you alt for not letting me fix things the way I want them fixed! Now that I've agonized over my problems and indecision, let me find something cheerful to talk about. . . wow. . . this is taking a while. . . Still thinking. . .damn I must be depressed. I need some sleep and a fresh outlook. But its too damned early. A note: The next section of this blog gets a little detailed sexually. Most of you aren't bothered, but I'm giving fair warning. I read xlilithx's blog on her pussy. And read all the comments following. I certainly have to say, I am very glad that I am not the only woman to have had worries about her pussy looking funny. I guess it is a normal thing. Although (this is mean as hell, but funny), I have to say, I still haven't seen a hang up as bad as the one my ex had. Getting him to go down on me was impossible. And he knew jack about it (thank you my husband my love for showing me what it really was) and because of his inhibitions, made me think that receiving oral sucked! I had no use for it, but now!! Wow!! Ok, the first part of his hangup was easy enough... he didn't like to kiss me after I went down on him until I'd rinsed my mouth or brushed my teeth. Whether or not he came, by the way. Hangup #2! He never quite said it, but he implied that he did not like my clit. Why? you ask. I swear to god, he must have been afraid of erectile tissue! Apparently, a clit was too close to a penis for his taste. And obviously he had no idea what it was for, and shy little me (wow how I have changed) was too embarassed to tell him that stuff felt good there. Well how was I supposed to know there wasn't something freakish about me? A vagina I understood, the girls talked about that, but no one ever talked about a clit! So let us combine those to the conclusion. . . He never touched my clit. Not on purpose. 3 years. Especially not with his mouth. . . eww it might get dirty. Unfortunately, every other guy I'd been with never bothered to do oral for me, so how was I supposed to know he was doing it wrong? I was young, what can I say? And so were they. I swear they need to teach different things in sex ed. Worst part was, I'd masturbated in front of him and he still apparently didn't get it (or was too grossed out to do anything about it). I can understand having those hang-ups, 'cause hell, I did! I thought it was something gross that I wasn't supposed to enjoy. Sometimes I wonder if half of my problems giving oral is because of his reactions to stuff. I swear I think I cried when my husband kissed me the first time I went down on him. I remember trying to pull back, because I didn't want to make him do anything "gross." Heh, how wrong I was! I mean, we aren't talking snowballs or anything, but just a kiss. I love my husband so much, because he taught me that every little bit and piece of me was gorgeous to him, and taught me exactly what you were supposed to do with all those pieces. yum! I know it was mean to pick apart my ex like that. But the thing I realized I hated most when I read [blog xlilith]'s blog was that he had made me think some of those things were true. Like a clit was gross and something to be ashamed of. Or the way lips swell when a girl gets hot. I'd learned a little better living with a pair of lesbians, but I never really accepted it about me until about 2 years ago. It made me feel gross and . . . well. . . used, to go down on a guy because he treated me like I was dirty when I did it. I've gotten a lot better over the last two years, but I still don't think I really realized how much it had affected me. Anyway, I'll have to think of a name for her, and maybe I'll have some interesting escapades later to share! Have a great night to you all, and perhaps we'll have some more think-tank-time in the future! |
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