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A Domme's Responsibility
7/3/2005 4:10 pm Last Read: |
I write with inspiration from a comment made on my blog concerning my roommate. nickmcm1 and I have had some long talks about D/s relationships, limits, what our interests are, and general stuff. He's a very close friend of mine and we share our hopes and goals concerning the lifestyle. For those of you who may have read his blog and were curious, yes I read it. And yes, I've commented on his blog occasionally when what I wanted to say wasn't something that was necessarily best said in person. First of all, yes, I do consider myself his "Protector." I have every intention of standing by his side as he explores BDSM and making sure no one he meets abuses him, physically, mentally or emotionally. I intend to continue having talks with him about BDSM as his interest develops. In a way, I consider him more like a little brother, and honestly, if my RL little brother approached me about the lifestyle, I'd do the same for him. Needless to say my brother and I grew up very open with each other as well. I intend to try and be fair to him, and honest with my feelngs and opinions as well, so that I can do my best not to hurt him either. Now, to address the title of this blog... a Domme's responsibility. In no sense of the word do I consider myself someone who would be happy in a Mistress/slave relationship. I do not believe this makes me less "true" or "real" about my sincerity concerning the lifestyle. A Domme/submissive relationship is slightly different. In that case, I am not responsible for someone else's life. I am most certainly not ready for that kind of thing, which is one of the reasons I don't have kids.  It was suggested that I go ahead and Domme my roommate once, just to satisfy his wish to have an experience as a sub. I consider that comment as made without really thinking about it, and probably intended as harmless, but it represents several kinds of misunderstandings I've seen since I've been around on alt.com. My roommate is new to the lifestyle, and wishes a "training" experience. To me (if you'd bother to read previous blogs of mine), training is more than one scene or session. Training is an extended commitment between a dominant and submissive. It involves punishment and reward. What, in my opinion, are the reponsibilities of a Domme to her submissive? And yes, I believe that as much as a submissive gives obedience, a Domme has to give in return, not just take. 1) A Domme must at all times be concerned for the health and welfare of her submissive. This does not mean I should take care of my sub as if he/she were a child, but to make sure that they are leading a healthy, stable life, and that my influence on their life is positive, and not a negative hinderance. A thoughtless, one-time, just-cause, night from me to him, probably would not have a positive impact on his life. 2) A Domme, for my definition, is not the same as a "top." So that means that a Domme is a Domme in and out of bed, to a point. So long as we remain in the rules and limits we've set, then it is ok. To me, a "top" is someone who is in "charge" in bed. Just so that we are all on the same page. 3) A Domme is responsible for respecting a submissive's limits. 4) A Domme is responsible for emotionally caring for her submissive. From personal experience, one of the best parts of coming out of a scene with my husband, is when he cuddles me, and makes it clear that he cares and is there to support me. Not only is it soothing after a rough scene, but it reinforces my love and trust for him. 5) Sometimes, if it within the limits discussed by a Domme and submissive, a Domme may "lend" her submissive to someone else. And while it is the submissive's responsibility to let the Domme know if it has gone to far (safeword or "Only if you wish it, Mistress"), it is also the responsibility of the Domme not to hand out her submissive willy-nilly. 6) If the Domme and submissive decide to begin "training," I believe that is one of the largest responsibilities of all. The submissive is commiting themselves to learning how to best please their Domme, and the Domme is commiting to spend an amount of time with the submissive teaching them. 7) I also believe that a Domme is responsible for making sure that her submissive is still capable of independent thought. I, personally, would have no interest in someone whose entire existence revolved around me and shut up rather than tell me I'm doing something wrong. That's a great way for someone to get seriously hurt. When I look at these, and there are others that I just can't think of right now, I think about how much different a Domme is from a "top." You don't just Domme someone for a night. Especially not if you know that person wishes to find a Domme who wants to undertake training them. That's a more long-term relationship than a "one-night stand" of sorts. If you have looked at my profile, or read my blog, you would probably know that I am not at all experienced at being a Domme. I like the idea, and am finally becoming comfortable of getting into that mind set, but it is still new to me. Now I care greatly for my roommate, so why, on earth, would I want to "learn" on someone who has even less experience than me? Without a more experienced Dom/me to guide me through it no less? I could not be his Domme, not in my sense of the word. I feel too much protectiveness towards him to give short change him on his training or experiences. And honestly, the reasons behind that are between him and myself, and I do not feel that they need to be shared in a public forum. Also, anyone who has lived with someone (someone they weren't sleeping with or dating) can back me on this. The house dynamic of roommates, especially at the beginning is sometimes a delicate balance. There are a lot of things that aren't being said here, because we just say them to each other. It often give an incomplete story here, but I guess that... *sigh* can't be helped. As a final note, I believe that perhaps nickmcm1 is actually being underestimated. He is not a "poor guy." He is an adult, with a life of his own, and interests he wishes to pursue. Not only is it not my responsibility to interefere with that, I also am not going to treat him like a child. I have the feeling that if nothing else, if I topped him, or gave him a "pity-fuck" because he just wants someone to be a Domme for him, I think not only would he be offended, it would probably ruin our friendship. Now maybe I, and nickmcm1 both are overreacting, but wow, we were pretty shocked and taken aback when we read my blog. Not all of my "lecture" is directed at any one person, but needless to say, I was... hmmm... inspired... to put my thoughts out in the open. I've posted on other's blogs as comments and described stuff I feel about being a submissive, but this is the first time I've posted anything on what I would expect from (and expect from myself as) a Dom/me. Hopefully, I am kind of on target. Ah well. I'm sure I've pissed at least one person, if not a couple of dozen, off. I'm really not in the mood to care. Think before you speak/type. I've re-read this post at least a dozen times to make sure it said exactly what I was trying to say. Have a wonderful day, and remember, if you really care about someone, you want to make them happy. That goes both ways. Compromise is the key to success. |
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7/4/2005 2:45 am |
I think you have stated your case beautifully. The fact that you care about him and have HIS best interests in mind is probably the most important factor, here. Thank you for posting this!
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