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It Takes a Crane To Drag Some Things Into View (1) The Safe Word Means Stop
2/7/2012 8:10 am |
The Safe Word Means Stop That’s the theory — just like “no” means “no” for non-kinksters — just, it’s not always so in practice, is it? Do we acknowledge that ignoring a safeword is abuse – non-consent? Is venturing beyond negotiated play, abusive? >>Is an aquiescent's (sub/bottom/slave/maso...) failure to use a safeword abuse as well? >>Well, first, can we just say blaming the victim is perverse – and concede that sexual assault occurs when a safeword is ignored? And second, victims of sexual and psychological abuse (in the lifestyle and out) are multitudinous. Some recover or cope better than others do – others still struggle tremendously, uncertain if they will ever become who they once were, or progress to who they thought they could be. Some do well most times – until something, usually unexpected, triggers memories that send them spiraling downwards as if caught in the remorseless memory’s black hole gravity. Still others give up and give in, feeling far beyond any hope of help. I imagine you know someone in this (Hell) situation, recovering or dealing with it still (I surely do – one, fascinatingly enough since it’s Black History Month - a black sub female auctioned – and in private race play - ‘Gerald’s Game’-like, found her safeword/no-penetration boundaries ignored..she...is inlcined NOT to pusruse legal remedy ATM.  ) You know, knew, or heard of someone in this situation. Might even be you... So – Without living in the paralysis of fear or its opposite, the risk of the myth of invulnerability – What’re we going to do?What are YOU gonna do? Breathe Deeply~ Peace A Crane More inside (From Tracy Clark-Flory - Salon dot) +++ img: herpleasure Doc_Sonar I advocate Simplicity, Patience & Compassion...and...More than Ever - "I believe in looking reality straight in the eye and denying it." ~G Keillor |
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 2/7/2012 8:12 am |
can be a problem pushing boundaries within a lifestyle that often eroticizes pushing boundaries. And isn’t it true that some subs either refuse to use a safe word, actually don't know how to, or disassociate and using a safeword doesn’t occur to them, or in the case of masos, become anesthetized and don't realize the extent of their injuries? “Is it the fault of the submissive who didn’t safeword when they ‘should’ have,” Stryker says, “or is it the fault of the dominant who didn’t notice that their submissive didn’t safeword [when it was needed] or is it the fault, as I think it is, of the community that makes it complicated**?” The Safe word means stop. That’s the theory —(just like “no” means “no” for non-kinksters) — Just, it’s not always so in practice, is it? So, what’re we going to do? There's silent, recurring suffering happening. +++ I seldom write of this topic even though people I know and the stories they share cause Me to think about it, and think about it a lot. Suppose that therapy/treatment, empathy and support after the abuse are brilliant? Just – suppose I also said that prevention is better? What more can we do? Just because Eye can't think of anything right now, doesn't mean others can’t. Breathe Deeply~ Peace PS **A few ‘Complications’ I know of: 1. A cultural disrespect for safe words 2. Encounters where boundaries are disregarded 3. Pressured into a situation where saying ‘no’ was either disrespected or ‘optional’, or after indicating a hard limit, having a certain kind of toy, play form, or implement used anydamnway, 4. So many rules and protocols exist – in so many variations – that it’s too tempting to overlook the significant ones and ignore them all (which seems to be fairly common), 5. The community too often (once is ‘too often’) hides their abusers and shames the abused into silence, 6. Sometimes a feeling of abuse is realized in retrospect (the second guessing can begin after the fact w/ devastating effect), and 7. Self-identified slaves/edgers exist in a special limbo when under control of an abusive Master (that would ignore their negotiated dynamic). I am a strong advocate of Simplicity. Wonder if anyone can think of any more ‘complications**’... and maybe just as important – what can we do to simplify them. I don't know.... Maybe we could begin by Doing That... to Un_complicate. Doc_Sonar I advocate Simplicity, Patience & Compassion...and...More than Ever - "I believe in looking reality straight in the eye and denying it." ~G Keillor
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 2/7/2012 10:39 am |
Doc Another great post  I believe safe words are essential and must be respected at all times... A life spent making mistakes is not only more honorable, but more useful than a life spent doing nothing. George Bernard Shaw Jenny
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2/7/2012 11:23 am |
Doc, good topic. I have played with and without the use of safewords. But the only reason why I have allowed play without them to happen on occasion has been my heavy focus on pre-negotiation. You may have noticed that I like to talk. I like to ask questions. I also enjoy listening to the answers, asking questions those raise and so forth. It's foreplay before the juices take over too much brain function. It's learning my partners. It's learning about myself. Often I will discover something I did not know or had not tried merely by talking about limits, desires, and roles. In best case scenario, there is trust and respect enough that the discussion about what and where is okay or not can be open, truthful, and unashamed. Then it's a matter of finding those areas that overlap. That's your play area. If staying within that play area will give satisfaction to both parties (or, just plainly, be worth the time and effort to make an event happen), then life is fun. If one or both feel that play area is too small, it's time to find a different partner, no matter how nice or hot or cool the one before you is. But you have to be open and real. Admit to what you want. Be clear about what you don't. Nothing will promise that everything will always be on the up and up, unfortunately. But if we start with very clear and open communication with any prospective partner, it can help. And you learn a lot about someone by how they negotiate. If they won't or they aren't clear, you can take that as a warning sign. Just two hurried cents coming your way. Thanks again for making me consider. JG
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2/7/2012 11:45 am |
In a first meeting with a "professional" domina I did several things wrong. I didn't ask for a tour of her work space. I didn't present my written questions in the paid-for interview. Which took place immediately before the session. I noted "no nipple anything, it makes me shocky." While I was standing but unbound what is the first thing she did? Play with my nipps. I brushed her hand away several times. What if I had been bound? Things deteriorated from there. Needless to say, that was the first and last time I saw her. a bold beautiful woman is the world's natural sovereign
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2/7/2012 2:44 pm |
A GREAT POST DOC. HAVE YOUR SAY, I HAVE HAD MINE
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2/7/2012 6:00 pm |
I dissociate. Anyone I'm involved with has to be able to read me, because by the time I've been triggered, it's too late for me to communicate my needs.
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2/8/2012 9:25 pm |
my OPINION... a safeword is like a restraining order... it will not protect you (Dom or sub)... so don't count on it... That being said, it might uncomplicate things if both parties took into account that most of the activities we consider 'play' are in most states considered felonies... knotty_knotty
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2/9/2012 11:35 am |
my OPINION... a safeword is like a restraining order... it will not protect you (Dom or sub)... so don't count on it... That being said, it might uncomplicate things if both parties took into account that most of the activities we consider 'play' are in most states considered felonies... knotty_knotty OH THAT IS RIGHT IT IS THE USA A VOTE FOR RICK SANATORIUM WILL KEEP IT THAT WAY. I should not be too cocky we have G.W.Bush's Republican party in power in Canada now and now that they have a majority they are talking about making Canada into the nightmare that you guys live with. HAVE YOUR SAY, I HAVE HAD MINE
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2/10/2012 7:11 am |
even when you consent to doing something illegal... It is still considered illegal...
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2/10/2012 7:28 am |
my thought is not to get into a discussion of legalities... but it is something to be considered if you want to make the use of safewords (or not) less complicated... just consider that what you might do could bring serious consequences so to simplify it just try to remember that what we do is NOT a game. Just CONSIDER that it's serious... For your own all around safety... You are after all the one who will be held responsible for your actions no matter if you are Dom or sub... You are responsible for you
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2/10/2012 3:42 pm |
my OPINION... a safeword is like a restraining order... it will not protect you (Dom or sub)... so don't count on it... That being said, it might uncomplicate things if both parties took into account that most of the activities we consider 'play' are in most states considered felonies... knotty_knotty
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2/11/2012 11:05 am |
Doc Another great post I believe safe words are essential and must be respected at all times... Thx for adding in jenny. xoxo Doc_Sonar I advocate Simplicity, Patience & Compassion...and...More than Ever - "I believe in looking reality straight in the eye and denying it." ~G Keillor
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2/11/2012 11:09 am |
Doc, good topic. I have played with and without the use of safewords. But the only reason why I have allowed play without them to happen on occasion has been my heavy focus on pre-negotiation. You may have noticed that I like to talk. I like to ask questions. I also enjoy listening to the answers, asking questions those raise and so forth. It's foreplay before the juices take over too much brain function. It's learning my partners. It's learning about myself. Often I will discover something I did not know or had not tried merely by talking about limits, desires, and roles. In best case scenario, there is trust and respect enough that the discussion about what and where is okay or not can be open, truthful, and unashamed. Then it's a matter of finding those areas that overlap. That's your play area. If staying within that play area will give satisfaction to both parties (or, just plainly, be worth the time and effort to make an event happen), then life is fun. If one or both feel that play area is too small, it's time to find a different partner, no matter how nice or hot or cool the one before you is. But you have to be open and real. Admit to what you want. Be clear about what you don't. Nothing will promise that everything will always be on the up and up, unfortunately. But if we start with very clear and open communication with any prospective partner, it can help. And you learn a lot about someone by how they negotiate. If they won't or they aren't clear, you can take that as a warning sign. Just two hurried cents coming your way. Thanks again for making me consider. JG Concrete points... ...very clear and open communication with any prospective partner, it can help...be open and real. Admit to what you want. Be clear about what you don't...heavy focus on pre-negotiation YTB P Doc_Sonar I advocate Simplicity, Patience & Compassion...and...More than Ever - "I believe in looking reality straight in the eye and denying it." ~G Keillor
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2/11/2012 11:14 am |
In a first meeting with a "professional" domina I did several things wrong. I didn't ask for a tour of her work space. I didn't present my written questions in the paid-for interview. Which took place immediately before the session. I noted "no nipple anything, it makes me shocky." While I was standing but unbound what is the first thing she did? Play with my nipps. I brushed her hand away several times. What if I had been bound? Things deteriorated from there. Needless to say, that was the first and last time I saw her. Good things to see to before meeting I think bbh. TY.  In your instance above (I noted "no nipple anything",)it seems a safeword or any other type of care wouldn't have mattered anyway (what is the first thing she did? Play with my nips), yes? Makes Me want to interrogate her in My own special way -- just to know where she was at mentally...what she may have done had you been bound. Love happy )lucky?) endings when I can get'em. YTB P Doc_Sonar I advocate Simplicity, Patience & Compassion...and...More than Ever - "I believe in looking reality straight in the eye and denying it." ~G Keillor
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2/11/2012 11:17 am |
A GREAT POST DOC. YTB P PS Thinking on JGs offering...I like the IDEA of Edgeplay...just...strikes Me as a No..for ME...(suppose My observational.empathic skills are 'off'?) Never know though...maybe someday. My Intuition deserves respect (but not worship)...  Doc_Sonar I advocate Simplicity, Patience & Compassion...and...More than Ever - "I believe in looking reality straight in the eye and denying it." ~G Keillor
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2/11/2012 11:24 am |
I dissociate. Anyone I'm involved with has to be able to read me, because by the time I've been triggered, it's too late for me to communicate my needs. Being able to read another is a huge responsibility. Aside from saying RED myself once I take note of uncommunicativeness...I don;t have much experience in that. We look forward to the time when you longer disassociate...where upon recognition of the trigger you would able to react and feel in a positive way instead of the usual, yes? Imagine. Breathe Deeply~ Peace xoxo Doc_Sonar I advocate Simplicity, Patience & Compassion...and...More than Ever - "I believe in looking reality straight in the eye and denying it." ~G Keillor
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2/11/2012 11:28 am |
my OPINION... a safeword is like a restraining order... it will not protect you (Dom or sub)... so don't count on it... That being said, it might uncomplicate things if both parties took into account that most of the activities we consider 'play' are in most states considered felonies... knotty_knotty U feel that SWs are like orders of protection that some will simply ignore? Seems so. I confess that while many fetish/Style type things are illegal, I'm unclear how you see reminfin self of that would uncomplicate - unless you mean choosing not engage in the beginning??? BD~ xoxo Doc_Sonar I advocate Simplicity, Patience & Compassion...and...More than Ever - "I believe in looking reality straight in the eye and denying it." ~G Keillor
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2/11/2012 11:33 am |
EVEN AMONG CONSENTING ADULTS? OH THAT IS RIGHT IT IS THE USA A VOTE FOR RICK SANATORIUM WILL KEEP IT THAT WAY. I should not be too cocky we have G.W.Bush's Republican party in power in Canada now and now that they have a majority they are talking about making Canada into the nightmare that you guys live with. The Repub platform is incongruent with with the American Public according to the latest research...so I feel pretty secure that the things we hear won't become voted into reality... Yet, I've been wrong before. Time, as always...will tell. Good luck w/ your country too.. BD~ P Doc_Sonar I advocate Simplicity, Patience & Compassion...and...More than Ever - "I believe in looking reality straight in the eye and denying it." ~G Keillor
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2/11/2012 11:34 am |
even when you consent to doing something illegal... It is still considered illegal... still... ?? Doc_Sonar I advocate Simplicity, Patience & Compassion...and...More than Ever - "I believe in looking reality straight in the eye and denying it." ~G Keillor
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2/11/2012 11:42 am |
my thought is not to get into a discussion of legalities... but it is something to be considered if you want to make the use of safewords (or not) less complicated... just consider that what you might do could bring serious consequences so to simplify it just try to remember that what we do is NOT a game. Just CONSIDER that it's serious... For your own all around safety... You are after all the one who will be held responsible for your actions no matter if you are Dom or sub... You are responsible for you OK I think I understand that knotty_knotty. So - how do you use this simplification (You are after all the one who will be held responsible for your actions ) when you evaluate/decide what you do and where, and when, and with whom - - if you'd care to say. I think that anyone that engages assumes what they think is 'acceptable (subjective)risk'... ...am I understanding what you're saying? BD~ P xoxo Doc_Sonar I advocate Simplicity, Patience & Compassion...and...More than Ever - "I believe in looking reality straight in the eye and denying it." ~G Keillor
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2/11/2012 11:45 am |
This is such an excellent thought. So, waht are YOU hearing her say gg? Lil' unclear over here, still... BD~ P xoxo Doc_Sonar I advocate Simplicity, Patience & Compassion...and...More than Ever - "I believe in looking reality straight in the eye and denying it." ~G Keillor
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2/12/2012 6:09 am |
Very early in my relationship with Sir I ended up with a throat infection that landed me at the doctor's office to receive a shot of fast-acting steroid in my butt, which was black and blue. If I had revealed Sir's name, the nurse would have reported him for domestic abuse despite my protestations. If we had been married and his name had been on my paperwork there is nothing I could have done to prevent her from reporting him. It's a serious thing. I've yellowed out a few times and once I've used red. Sir and I have talked repeatedly about how important it is for me to be able to safeword because I am VERY hard to read during pain play - my instinct is to take everything as silently and motionlessly as possible. (I don't know why that is, but it's a curious thing.) Consequently, it's hard to know how close things are to too much. I wouldn't play without safewords as either Dom or sub. Toy says he's never used safewords and my insistence on them has been an eye-opener for him as has my insistence on discussing hard and soft limits to an extreme degree. I can't see how any responsible person can engage in play without a discussion of how to end the play immediately if need be.      Speak and act from love, or else shut up and sit on your hands.
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2/12/2012 11:35 am |
Ok. So, waht are YOU hearing her say gg? Lil' unclear over here, still... BD~ P xoxo A TRO can be a dangerous thing: many unbalanced individuals view them as a challenge or take offense to them and view them as a slap in the face.
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2/12/2012 5:05 pm |
A complication I encountered during a play dare with a man who had been given high recommendations from two people who knew him: he did give me a safe word I could use; but after I had used it at one point, he clearly spoke and acted so that I would be discouraged from using it again. And I didn't, even though I wanted to. The result were welts that lasted over a week...inappropriate for giving to someone who was new to the lifestyle and who had clearly indicated her lack of experience. (And who, even now, is someone who can deal with only limited amounts of violence and pain.) A person who hates "is incapable of making a joke, only of bitter ridicule. . . Only those who can laugh at themselves can laugh authentically." (Vaclav Havel)
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2/13/2012 10:20 am |
Doc, Many people who engage do not pressume there is risk... Many believe they are protected by the words, trust, respect, mutual consent.. Many believe that no harm will come to them... I had a 'pain slut' write to me once... She requested that I burn her with cigaretts... She told me she would find that enjoyable... I told her that the fantasy might be enjoyable for her but what about the reality??? When I asked her about the reality of what she would have to face if I did such a thing for her... Blisters, oozing sores, scars... She said that would make her feel like shit... For many people I understand that the reality is something they enjoy but for many people there is just the fantasy... On line people seem to know most and want to embrace the fantasy... Simply understand that when you cross over from fantasy to reality there are consequences... Be the consequences something that you will have to live with or something someone else will have to live with... There should be no regrets in treating a fantasy situation with as much digity as one would give a real life situation... I advocate the rights of submissives to be treated with dignity in both real life and on line situations... How hard is that to understand
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2/14/2012 12:21 am |
maybe you could look at it like having a lisence to drive... you buy a car... take out insurance (maybe safeword insurance)... you can lock your car in the garage... You will do everything reasonably possible to make sure your car, your property is protected... and maybe you even want to drive fast in your car... you may even neglect to wear your seatbelt (victimless crimes for the most part) is any of it guarenteed??? Not really because anything can happen... Am I saying don't drive??? but it would not be beneath me to say drive responsibly... Is the use of a human being any less significant than the use of a car??? Maybe that would help simplify it if I explain it that way???
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