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Antsy, itchy, crawly
3/16/2009 2:55 pm |
Mar. 9th, 2009 | 08:45 pm I don't know how to start or where to go with this blog post, I just know I need to write. I've been feeling increasingly itchy and antsy inside since the beginning of the weekend. It was ignorable when the boy was here as he was feeling poorly and I could concentrate on him. Driving down to Cardiff through some appalling weather (the wind was side swiping the car and bashing it) made me very tense (keeping the car going in a straight line) which made me more agitated by time I got down there. Then I did something really really dumb. I went to Ikea and spent more than I intended (that wasn't the dumb thing, I suspect that's normal for visiting Ikea). I was just going to get a three drawer chest of drawers, but seeing them up close I decided on the four drawer as being a decent height and also to get the two drawer as a bedside cabinet. They also had groovey grey/transparent glass tops for them so bought those two. I decided on Oak in the end as it will work well with the wardrobe carcases as a matching set. Anyway I was pretty chuffed to have decided and started out on the whole "having somewhere to put things" thing and started loading the trolley. Now those boxes looked pretty small and I've only ever been used to Argos flatpacks before which are pretty light... ummm ok, so Ikea builds things a lot lot lot denser. The last one I picked up at argos was about 24kg, and I could handle that. Maybe I should have looked closer at the small writing which said "48kg". Of course I didn't realise that until I had managed to prize it from the box below (bloody things had glue sticking them together to make sure they didn't topple!). By then though I had lifted and swung it off and thought "hmm ok, this is heavy". The trolley then did that thing they do where they start wheeling off on their own as you try and slide something very heavy onto it. So I've now learnt my lesson about trying to do these things myself but by time I had got it in the car I was thinking "this was a mistake" as I could feel that pull in my stomach and shoulder saying "you shouldn't have done that". By time I got to Kay's I knew I really shouldn't have and I know I was really quiet and unhappy looking, which added to the itchy antsyness wasn't great and I know I can't have been great company. We went to see Snow Patrol and apart from the long wait for it to start (support acts started 45mins after they had been originally due and their were two of them) it was brilliant. We had really good seats directly opposite from the stage (downstairs was all standing, with a balcony running round the three sides) and a great view of everything. The sound in the Arena was pretty good too. Snow Patrol put on a great show, obviously enjoying themselves, talkative, friendly, great voice and great variety of ballads to rock anthems and back again. The place erupted at Chasing Cars, but my other favourite is "How to be Dead" which always makes me cry as it reminds me so much of how life used to be and I was so pleased when they played that. Snow Patrol have to be my favourite band and they are so much better live than their albums, they have great passion and enthusiam as well as being great musicians and crowd pleasers. It was brilliant and they played for ages. I had been kinda so-so about the new album but it showed me it in such a different light. It's weird, writing is so calming. I guess because it focuses my thoughts. As I write this I can feel the blind panic and stress recede and the words take over, and I can look back and see the great things that happened. It makes it harder to see or touch or identify with those feelings of wrongness and upset inside. I can feel they are still there but it's like looking at them from the other side of a one-way mirror, you can no longer touch them. It's scary though, feeling them just under the surface (yes I know, switching metaphors) and the dread waiting of when they will come back and swamp. I didn't go into work today. The mixture of very loud music, bright lights and painkillers so I could actually get to the concert (probably with the tension too) meant I felt sick as hell this morning as well as achey so I decided I had been dumb once already and driving 120 miles like that at 5am would probably count as compounding my dumbness to a terminal point so called in sick and came home early afternoon when I could do it slowly, in daylight and avoiding traffic. So, that left 65kg of stuff in my car to carry up 28 stairs to the flat... The bedside cabinet I could do, if I did carefully. Same with the glass panels. The big one though I opened in the car and carried up in 4 trips. Tiring yes, but not so back breaking, so now it's sitting in pieces around the flat. The bedside cabinet I've already put together and have to admit it was a pleasure to make. The way it's constructed is really logical and smart and it was kinda good fun and it's shockingly solid. I am impressed. Ok, now I'm a little more focussed and my mind isn't spinning and making me either freeze emotionally or just panic or start to think bad things about me I can see a couple of things that have contributed to this. The most immediate ones I think are the things I've pushed myself into this week. I know I need to get out, get involved, meet people, and I've done the right thing making some opportunities, but now I actually have to do it and it's stressing me out big time and making me doubt myself. I re-examine some of my friendships, the history I have of not holding onto them, of how painful it can feel sometimes trying to make conversation, and basically all the bad times come up in my mind and how much effort and work it is and how it never comes naturally... and then I start to wonder what the point is, what am I trying to achieve, am I just kidding myself. Yes, I know that completely ignores the people that do love me now, and the people that do want me, and the times I have tried and it has got easier, but that's the way the mind works sometimes. It doesn't help that when I start to panic I freeze inside and go cold and cut people out, which makes it even harder to be around people which confirms those thoughts and feelings and... yes, vicious circle. The more relaxed and at ease I am, the better I come across and the better it works. Lol, maybe I am the only one that could put extra pressure on myself knowing I need to be relaxed and thereby stressing myself more. So, tomorrow going out for the film. I suggested we meet for a drink before hand because it's (I know in my head) the right thing to do and if I actually want to make connections then it's what I need to do. However it also leaves me feeling physically sick now of the thought of that time before the film and I can feel my shoulders freezing up at the thought. Thursday I'm probably meeting up with someone that said "hi" on Informed Consent as he liked the idea of someone that could be a friend who was kinky so you didn't have to stop and think "I can't say that". Possibly things might go further, but basically, friends you could chat with and do stuff with. Now, that sounds great to me and exactly what my profile was asking for and I was pretty chuffed about getting an answer. Being me though, I start to stress and see the old things of not having anything to offer, being boring, that dreaded question in one email of "What are your interests?" did leave me in a blind panic as all I could see was how detached from the world and people I am. How distant. Yes, of course, I am so much better than I was and so much better than when I left my wife. It's been a slow slow process but I do say "yes" more now than I ever did. Do slowly open up and stop pushing people away. It doesn't happen over night, or even weekly.... However when faced with that question, that interest, I get very defensive inside and very harsh on myself as I compare, compare randomly when I have no idea what I am comparing myself to, compare to everyone who seems so at ease and so passionate about things in life. I start to see my lack of interest, lack of involvement, and kick myself for it and want to withdraw as everything I say seems so stupid. From this dispassionate, writing my blog point of view.... I can say that two things I am passionate about in life are my family and my friends. It's very hard though to tie that to that blind swirling feeling though inside when you start to feel "I can't do this, this is going to go wrong". That's stress for sure. Just getting through these next few days. This on a backdrop of feeling a little lost. The rumours at work of redundancies is very unsettling. I personally think they will probably end up being true, but until it's announced one way or another it's kind of hanging in limbo. Then, coming back from the USA. That went so well, it fitted... I fitted. Going back from being around someone 24x7 to actually seeing her less than before as things have changed at work. Well, it means I miss Scarlett hideously and whilst meeting up with her has definitely had a big positive effect (like making me push myself) settling back to how things are from a distance is not being easy. It's a big open hole there and I admit the nights when I don't get to make that wake up call really do get to me. I mean the weekend yes, that's kind of planned in and whilst I miss it then, it's, I dunno. Those calls mean a lot to me now . Part of me wants to close up a little as that's what stops it hurting so much, but most of me doesn't want to because I want to keep moving forward and growing and getting better at handling these transitions. Those calls are part of that enjoying how the relationship has grown and how I'm getting better at this. It makes the distance drop away. I never thought this would be easy and leaving Kay, Scarlett and my son is always painful, but all three of them are worth it. It's finding ways that make it work. So much going on in a mixed up pup. I did register at the Doctor's Surgery tonight though (now that I've worked out where the Doctor's is that will work better for me. Once this week (and probably next week too with Kay's operation) are out of the way I'll go see them to try and find a physio (so I can get exercises for my back) and a counsellor (so I can keep myself on the straight and narrow). I know I'll have to pay for both, but they maybe able to give me some pointers of where to look. |
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