BDSM & Alternative Lifestyle Personals
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Moving on
3/16/2009 2:56 pm |
Mar. 15th, 2009 | 09:42 pm It was a sleepless night, I was wake most of it - thank heaven for those in other timezones to keep me company in the hardest part of the night. I think I went through a mix of emotions last night. Distraught, detached, regretful, angry. Fairly much a normal grieving pattern really which is no surprise as thats what it was. It's funny the things that trigger these things. I know Kay had a similar (though more internalised) sudden smash in the face during my sisters wedding last year when the wedding vows were being said. We don't expect it but, these things are waiting and we don't expect them. For me it was the rings. The rings represented all the promises, the hope, the intentions to me. More so than the vows (since I am much better at symbolic intentions than I am with words, with the things left unsaid but understood). So seeing them, holding them. Well. It was an odd thing. Thinking about it now, it's the first time I've been reminded of who and what we were then and what we wanted and hoped for. Now, when I think of my ex, I think of her as she is now, as I am now and I can't possibly imagine anything other than us being apart. Holding the rings was the first time I've felt connected and reminded of how we were then, how genuine and real it was, how we both meant it. No villains, no mistakes, just all that ahead of us. I think that's what got to me. It was a good thing to go through though, despite the tears, the hurt and the sleepless night. I've brought quite a few things back from storage at my parents. Pictures, some of my books, my coffee table, a wardrobe frame, my disney collectable plates, some other ornaments. All of these were things which I bought whilst I was with my ex, but things which I had chosen and were very much me. Even being me though, they have many memories attached. Of choosing them, of her thoughts, of us choosing to place them. Of packing them away. There's been a big gap from that. When I left it was like drawing a line under that and starting totally from start as I left most things behind and then I basically had nothing to remind me. It was like nothing had been there before. Now however, those things are being brought back into my life. My books which represent most of my life so far, from early childhood to the seperation. The ornaments which represent holidays, gifts, special times. Last night helped get past that feeling of regret and them almost being a reminder of what's gone and just left behind the delight in the part of me they are and something I can enjoy having around me, as part of my home. A painful but cleansing experience. |
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