BDSM & Alternative Lifestyle Personals
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dark desires...
12/23/2007 2:56 am Last Read: |
i did this post once before and it was rejected by alt. eventually, i simply deleted it because i was not interested in rewriting it for alt's approval. but, in my mind i continue to revisit it. there had been a great deal in the original post i think perhaps i would find useful now in doing this post. but... c'est la vie. i think my sexual desires have always fallen to the dark side - at least relatively speaking. when i was young, before i knew anything of sex even, i found myself drawn to dark male characters. i read gothic romance novels because the men in them were dark and even kinda scary. in my real life, it seems i was drawn to the bad boy. sometimes, with nearly disastrous consequences. then, i finally figured out that there were bad boys and there were BAD boys. i learned a bit about the lifestyle. i came to realize that i was sexually submissive and that i definitely had a tendency toward masochism. i have embraced that and experimented with it. i have read things and talked to people. all of that has helped me define for myself what i crave, and where i want to go with those cravings. i have learned a great deal about myself. often, i find the more i experience the more i want to experience. i have found my motivation for these cravings lie in many nooks of my psyche. first of all, i do enjoy serving a dom. for me - and probably for many subs - the knowledge that my pain and helplessness are arousing to a dom in turn arouses me. it is certainly a point of pride for me to be able to take whatever a dom sees fit to deliver. and, when i can't i often feel like i somehow failed him and myself. as i said above i am a masochist - in a very non altruistic and hedonistic way. i once read a piece written by a sadistic domme about masochists and the way she defines them. she basically said she thought there were three types of masochists. the first is the type that will go to sub space. they really get off on the pain. her view was that with this type, a domme must be careful to avoid real injury because the masochist may be unable to verbalize that things have gone too far. the second type was a masochist who gets off on the idea of pain. they like it right up to the point when it hurts. she liked this type best because these are the masochists that struggle and cry and plead and she likes that response. the third type is one that is a cross between the two. i think i fall mostly in the third category. and most of the doms i know intimately agree. i love the idea of pain and the feeling of helplessness and vulnerability. the feeling of not knowing when i'm going to feel the sting of the whip or belt or the hard slap of a hand or paddle. i enjoy being on edge... being put on edge and tormented, tortured and teased. i also love to beg and plead. for me there is something about begging to have it end. it is sometimes very difficult for me to even stay still and i have often been known to jump in anticipation alone. being ordered to stay still can be a real task for me. a soft caress thrown in the midst of a beating can make me shudder with a bit of anticipatory anxiety as well as pleasure. but i also love the sensation of the sting and the thud. i like knowing that when it is all over, there will be marks. i love the thought of my body as a canvas for a dom. i love the feeling of my ass being on fire. i have even come to crave having my face slapped and my back and legs whipped. i like welts, bruises, hand prints, the definite outline of a paddle, and all of that makes me wet. i have never cum from pain and probably never will. but, it certainly arouses me. once, during a session with a dom, i was brought to tears. i wasn't sobbing. i wasn't really crying even. but, i had tears in my eyes. there were many factors in play there - emotional and physical. it had been something i had thought about prior to that - being brought to tears by a dom during a play session. it had been something i had wanted to experience - something i thought was very erotic especially if the dom would get off on it too. it turned out he did. since that time, i have wanted to experience it again but much more intensely. i want to really cry. i think for that to happen it has to be more related to emotions than to the physical aspects of pain. most likely i think there would be an element of humiliation for me. or... perhaps hints of fear. and i certainly also enjoy those aspects of play too. as i said earlier, i like to be put on edge. so i have cravings for anything that puts me in a position of vulnerability. that is what i enjoy about bondage. hand cuffs. ropes. ropes that bite into the skin. ropes that are soft. neck ties. silk scarves. i love them all. they all have a place in my repertoire. i love blindfolds, but i find it funny that i do not care for gags. i think the reason i like rough sex is because of the vulnerability. being hurt and humiliated during sex is an amazing experience for me. it speaks to my soul in a manner that nothing else seems to. a belt being pulled tight around my neck while i'm being taken from behind... forced anal penetration so that it really hurts initially, and then the absolute pleasure of it washes over me - often even while it still hurts... masturbating for a dom while he spanks or whips me... the thing about craving these things that are dark and often risky is that one really needs to pursue such things within the boundaries of a trusted relationship. much of this is not something that can be pursued until there is a well established mutual respect and trust. and some of it even takes time beyond that. if someone is going to push me to the point of really crying, he would have to know me well in order to understand my real emotional vulnerabilities. he would also have to have a very good understanding of what lines could and could not safely be crossed. how much fear and panic in my eyes is ok? at times, i have a tendency to push back when i'm being pushed. sometimes i do it to provoke. sometimes i do it because of pride. sometimes it is because i have a "fuck you" attitude at the moment. sometimes i do it because i'm afraid. sometimes i do it because if i am pushed any farther i will hit my breaking point. and sometimes i do it for any combination of some or all of these things. if a dom doesn't know me well, how can he even begin to understand any of this? admittedly, much of it is trial and error to some extent. it requires open and honest communication before and after. and when possible even during. and let's face it, that is not always an easy thing. and i would guess that the lack of it is responsible for many failed relationships in and out of the lifestyle. i guess if it were easy, it wouldn't be worth much. "imagination is more important than knowledge" ~ albert einstein |
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12/23/2007 3:45 am |
very well expressed!!!....Very....I fall on the same side of your equation...same kind of needs and cravings. I have that same craving to cry as well....thanks for the wonderful post...
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12/23/2007 4:32 am |
very well expressed!!!....Very....I fall on the same side of your equation...same kind of needs and cravings. I have that same craving to cry as well....thanks for the wonderful post... and thank you. thank you for reading. and thank you for your kind comments. the jaded one "imagination is more important than knowledge" ~ albert einstein
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12/23/2007 9:30 am |
gypsy i linked this to my blog cuz i wanted everyone who reads me to read this. you've done a fab job in expressing yourself and WHY you crave the things you do...and i'm envious  (both that you know yourself so well, and that you are able to express it) lol thanks for posting this! be well and have a great holiday many hugs (2:55) ~b all the world is birthday cake, so take a piece but not too much~ George H.
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12/23/2007 10:04 am |
gypsy i linked this to my blog cuz i wanted everyone who reads me to read this. you've done a fab job in expressing yourself and WHY you crave the things you do...and i'm envious (both that you know yourself so well, and that you are able to express it) lol thanks for posting this! be well and have a great holiday many hugs (2:55) ~b eventually i'll have to get it right won't i? happy holidays to you and yours... hugs ya bunches, d "imagination is more important than knowledge" ~ albert einstein
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