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Cathartic Floggings
5/13/2008 2:10 am Last Read: |
This is a new term for me. I actually stumbled upon it reading anothers blog. My unfamiliarity with the term does not translate to unfamiliarity with the concept. Actually, it is a concept with which I am very familiar. I think I have craved a form of this many times in my life. Often, however, I have not had an outlet for it. But, reading that term immediately took me back to a time, place, and person. At the time, I didnt know there was a term for the thing my soul craved. It was one of the most fulfilling scenes I had ever played out with anyone. It was a scene that for many reasons could have gone horribly wrong. He was a stranger to me. Before that day, we had done little other than exchange a few casual e-mails. But, I needed something, and I was pretty sure he could give me EXACTLY what I needed. It turned out that I was completely accurate in my assessment of that. That particular day I was not in the best of head spaces. The day before, I had split up with a dom because he had been unable to give me what I needed in our relationship. Part of me felt as if I needed to be punished for calling it quits so easily. I had made my mind up with little discussion of our issues. But, I knew that we would never make one another happy. Part of me wanted to lash out at him for making misleading promises to me, and being so possessive and demanding while giving me nothing in return. I was very sad. I was a bit angry. I had spent a good part of the previous afternoon crying. Then I had gone out drinking with a friend. None of that had been enough to rid myself of the pent up emotions and stress that had enveloped me. On top of all of that there was an unfulfilled sexual energy running through me as though it was a current of electricity looking for a way out of my body. I was overwhelmed by the force of these all-consuming thoughts and feelings. I had a need for release. At the time, I think I was consciously looking for the sexual release, without realizing that what I need was so much deeper so much more a part of the core of who I am. And, while there was no conscious thought of anything more than sexual gratification, my subconscious was all-knowing and the rest of me was simply going along for the ride. He bound my wrists to the rail in the loft of my apartment. Those ties that bound brought me more freedom than I have ever known in my life. He whipped me hard with his police belt. He caned me. I wore the bruises for days. With every blow came a release I had never known existed. I didnt break down sobbing, but then I had done plenty of that the day before. But, as the tears welled up in my eyes, I felt peace, and comfort, and safety. The thoughts running through my mind were slowly being replaced by physical sensations, and total submission. THIS was absolutely everything I needed. It was my punishment. It was my consolation prize. It was my reward. Finally, there was another in control. Finally, I not only had permission to just let go of it all, it was being demanded of me. And, the demands being placed on me required nothing more of me than to just give in and let go submit. That was what I did. I gave up my control. I submitted and in that I found a peace that allowed me to heal. "imagination is more important than knowledge" ~ albert einstein |
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