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Why I AM poly and why I'm NOT monogamous
7/16/2009 8:02 am Last Read: |
OK, this is a pretty direct response to a post I saw on Fetlife. While not my typical style, I have styled it to reflect the style the original post was done in. Lets see how it works... So, some may ask, "Why would I care for more than one person when I could limit myself to just one?" Well here's my answer: Typically limiting your affection to just one person leads to an increase in jealousy and insecurities, the need to feel you cannot live without your partner, all in all it leads to unhealthy relationships. Anyone who thinks poly leads to jealousy has not paid attention, "monogamous" couples have jealousy a plenty, and insecurities because they feel they might be replaced, where in a poly relationship, others can be added, there is no need to practice "serial monogamy". Now, why I am poly. Our society is caught up in the after effects of Victorian morality. Throughout most of our history, poly has been the norm, but with the Victorian era things got highly restricted, homosexuals, poly relationships and anything outside the highly restricted morals of the church were outlawed. Love is meant to be free, Jesus told us to "love your neighbor as yourself", now that does not mean we should have a passionate love for everyone, but it does show that love is meant to be much more free than the limitations many place on it. Love is meant to be a passion, a flame, and what does a flame do when you smother it? It dies. I believe that being poly is a challenge, more so than being monogamous, in a truly monogamous relationship, the partners don't grow to be better, they cling to each other like they are drowning, keeping things balanced, learning to stay flexible to handle the needs of different people, that is growth potential. I have had monogamous D/s experiences, one lasted for many years, but a couple of years in the smothering effect doused the flame of love I felt initially, I even contemplated suicide at one point, not a place I ever thought I would be and one I do not care to get back to. I am loyal, faithful and devoted to my partners. I see monogamy as selfish and limited, monogamous people are putting their own insecurities out as limits on their relationships, putting their own insecurities above their partner. This is why I AM poly. Why are you poly or monogamous? Why aren't you poly or monogamous? I'd like to hear other people's thoughts on the subject. |
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7/23/2009 7:24 am |
Good post, interesting points, many of them I share with a similar viewpoint. In my own journey, I started of monogamous and remained so most of my adult life. I have only practices polyamory for the last 10 - 11 years or so. When I was monogamous, I was not jealous of the attention my wife might receive, I was very secure in our relationship. But there was something _missing_ and that something was SM play and a D/s dynamic. When I was introduced to BDSM as a lifestyle I began to discover what it was that was missing and wanted to explore this with my then wife. Unfortunately, she could not make this journey with me. So I journeyed on my own for a while. I entered into a relationship with a married slave and was introduced to practicing poly... heyokah taught me much and I learned that I was capable of handling the fact that someone I cared for deeply and loved could in fact love another and still love me and I was okay with that. heyokah and I met someone, maya, that we BOTH were interested in as a partner... and I learened I could love more than one person at a time myself. And thus I discovered that I really was "poly-capable". That poly relationship lasted for 4 years. I have had other poly relationships since then, and I'm in one currently. I no longer buy into the "Scarcity model" of love, ie: you have a finite amount of love, like a pie, the more people you love, the smaller slice of love they get. I see my heart as capable of growing many branches of love, just as I grew love for each of my children. And NO, I am not saying that erotic/romantic love is the same as parental love, anymore than a maple tree is the same as an oak. They are similar, but very different species of love. But just as a maple tree can grow many branches, and your heart can love many children, so too can your heart grow like an oak, and grow many erotic/romanitic branches of love. Having more than one partner releases THEM from the pressure of having to be "EVERYTHING" for you, each person can meet different needs in your life, just as you meet different needs in theirs, and they may meet other needs in each other. Challenge, growth, fulfillment, support, encouragement... How can MORE LOVE be a bad thing? That's why I am poly.
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8/26/2009 7:09 pm |
I have been poly and monogamous at different points in my life. In light of that, each and every relationship has been different and may have included all of the above elements at one time or another. Just because someone is poly or monogamous does not mean there will be no insecurities or jealousy. I have seen it in both situations. Any and all relationships are based only upon the people involved and whom they choose as a match for them. And quite frankly, jealousy is just a manifestation of insecurity of which most people have some type of insecurity in their reportoire of hidden fears. As to the quote Jesus allegedly said, to "Love thy neighbor as you would yourself" has always seemed to me to mean the same as the Golden Rule on the elementary school wall. "Do unto others as you would have done unto you" - but then that is my perception of the Bible which to me is a book of fables for morality and the justification of any and all behavior depending upon what they mean to you. You are poly and that's just who you are... I choose over all to be monogamous and that's just who I am... Perhaps we should all learn to just love one another as we are and not feel the need to justify it because your sexual proclivities are your business and mine are mine. Somewhere along the way, everyone mixes their religion, politics, and sex, and not one of them has anything to do with the other.
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