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And me = poly, too...
4/12/2008 10:59 am |
I wrote this in response to a blog post by n2theaether called And me = poly. (I would link to the post, but I can't figure out how. Go find her blog, it's worth it.) I have been touched by the struggles she's had with her relationships lately, and never more so than with this post. ---------------------------------------- That's twice in your blog, in the relatively short time I've been following it, that you've used the term "kamikaze." And polyamory does seem like that a lot of the time. Love is difficult. It calls on us mercilessly to be what we are and what we aren't simultaneously. And more love just keeps upping the ante. I am a complete failure at polyamory. Utterly. I don't communicate well; I follow what I want to the exclusion of what others need; I get wrapped up in guilt; I withdraw into myself and hide when I feel bad; I try to manipulate others to get what I want; I don't let others honestly know what I need; I'm not even really sure WHAT I need most of the time. I'm basically not doing anything right. But polyamory means you can't hide. You have too many connections, too many eyes on you, too many people who need you. I realize that I have been this way my entire life; I was just able to hide the facts from myself. Just sit back and look at one carefully-cut sliver of my life and call it "me." It wasn't me. Because me = poly, too. And poly = the crucible that burns away everything that we use to hide ourselves, and lie about ourselves. Poly = honesty. The honesty from which you cannot hide. Identities crumble. Marriages break. Cherished ideas dissolve. Poly kills. The fucked-up and wonderful thing is, that it kills the things that need to die. Caterpillars and butterflies, all that shit. Corny, but true. We are reborn as ourselves. Eventually. But the stench of death is on us for a long, long time before that happens. |
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4/15/2008 11:19 pm |
Before Sir and I started His poly relationships, we did much research on the subject. Most of writings regarding poly (including 'The Ethical Slut' in my opinion) are realistic but somewhat overly optimistic and while they address the jealousy issues they politely ignore the tremendous pain involved for all parties including the poly participants. All relationships involve pain, both poly and monogomous ones. The difference is that while mono relationships move and develop at 50 mph (example), poly relatioships move at 500 mph. Everything is experienced exponentially. The following post I included in our couples blog because I found it to be the most comprehensive piece on poly I hve come across to date.Polyamory for the Monogamous I firmly believe that poly requires dedication above and beyond what would be considered 'superhuman'. I also believe that to judge success in a poly relatonship is not to judge whether or not every one is happy but whether or not honesty and dedication are the driving forces behind each relationship.
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