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Anger
7/15/2008 10:47 pm |
I think I've been angry all my life. From my earliest thoughts right through to today. My anger has had many targets--family members, other schoolkids, strangers, political figures, loved ones, landscapes, society at large--but it's always come from a deep well within me, a well that feels inexhaustible. I hope it's not. Four decades is plenty. Plenty of time to be venting anger into the world. I want it to stop. |
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7/15/2008 10:55 pm |
Then stop it! This in your control
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7/16/2008 8:14 pm |
I have been having a conversation with Squiggler10 which has evolved to discussing anger. I was planning on blogging about it tonight, but blogged here instead. I will blog about it tomorrow as I answer her post to me. I hope you have time to read it tomorrow night. It is late for me, and I must do a few more things, but I leave you with this that I realized a long time ago. Anger not the fault of the one it is directed at. It is the fault of the one who is angry, because it is their choice. When we learn not to tie our egos to issues and outcomes of issues, when we learn not to tie our value to any issue outcome or thing, then no matter the outcome, anger naturally slips away. It is when we tie our egos, our value to an issue or a thing and that issue or thing does not turn out how we like it that we, in our weakened valuing of ourselves choose anger. Peace, Light, Love
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7/18/2008 4:58 pm |
Cheryl, Thanks for your wisdom. Marshall Rosenberg, an author who writes about Non-Violent Communication, contends that anger is the sign of an unmet need in a person. He, like you, recognizes that anger has little to do with the person who is its target, and everything to do with the person experiencing it. His approach is to "enjoy the judgement show" going on in one's head--that is, sit back and be amused by the string of passionate, unfair judgements of others that your mind comes up with when you are angry. Spend a few moments doing that, then let go of it and connect with the unmet need within yourself, which is giving your anger its power. Identify that need, and work to get it met, in a healthy way. I've been working with Rosenberg's books for about 9 months, and his focus on meeting one's own needs is an idea I've been circling around warily--not because I don't understand it, or don't see the centrality of meeting our needs to a healthy life. On the contrary. But rather, because I look into myself, and I don't have the vision to see, or the vocabulary to articulate, or the courage to stand up for, my needs yet. This identifying, articulating, and working to meet my own needs is a bear of a problem I'm wrestling with. I can imagine that many people find it easy, and might not really understand what my hangup is. But believe me, it's keeping me up nights. So anyway, thanks for the thoughts, Cheryl.
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7/20/2008 9:54 pm |
Oh, Howard, many many people, in fact most do not find it easy, and most do direct anger at others, and here is the big one.....at themselves. In fact, it is the anger directed at ourselves that feeds the anger towards others. I have never heard of Rosenberg, but I understand some of what he is saying there. Anger is the reflection of an unmet need of the ego. When we tie our value to something and it goes wrong, we devalue ourselves. When we attach another's worth to something, we devalue them, when it does not turn out the way we want it. First it starts with ourselves. I must disagree with him on one thing though. He says to meet the need, and just enjoy the show of unfair judgements one makes of others. I say meeting the need is not ever going to get rid of the anger, nor will one enjoy the show of unfair judgements of others. Meeting the need does not bring overall happiness, just a very short term one, only because the ego is tied to the perceived need. We can buy what we want to make us happy in the short term, but it will not give us overall happiness. We can buy the best car that we want, and it will give us short term happiness as we feel important or valued because we have so hot of a car, but as the car ages, we will not feel happy about it and will not feel as important or valued as before, because we want a newer one to look better. That is tying one's worth to a thing. Although, if one is intentionally conscious, as he is suggesting one be by watching the show, then one is not unconscious but conscious of what is transpiring. To look at it transpire is so so much better than to remain unconscious of what is transpiring. So, in that sense, to me, he has it partially. When we are able to be conscious about what is transpiring and analyze it, analyze our gut reactions and feelings before we respond, look at the auto response of feeling we have, then we are one step closer to changing our reactions. We hold up a second or two from our gut reaction and think for a second to consciously choose a response which will be better for the interaction....to return love for the anger displayed by another, to salve fear in the other who is displaying anger. To consciously choose not to foist anger on another person despite what they have done is a big step towards salving their hurts (or as rosenberg might put it, their unmet need.) The unmet need he speaks of is simple. Very simple. Everyong wants to be loved and accepted for who they are. By salving their fears and telling them they are valuable no matter what they say or do, one stops the production of ripple outwards to continue the negativity put out, and they react differently over time. Change your reaction, and the consequence will change over time. As for unmet need in one's self, the unmet need is one we create for ourselves when we tie our worth, value, ego to the issue. First, and it begins with us, we must learn over time not to tie our value or worth to an issue. When we accept ourselves as we are, as valuable no matter the issue or outcome, then we will be able to accept others as valuable, no matter what they have done, even if it is a bad thing. It begins with us. One can want something, and want it real bad, and feel angry when one does not get it, this is true. When one can want something, understand that no value is tied to the something, love ourselves without the thing that we want most, then the anger will naturally slip away without our even noticing it is gone. When we value the other, despite the most despicable thing they are doing that would make anyone angry, and we learn to salve their fear in letting them know they are valuable despite their choices, one then nips their fear in the root, and they react differently loosing their anger directed at us. The fear that they have and that we have is virtually the same.........fear of non acceptance/love for who they are as is and of us as is. You have things you want to do and to accomplish. You get angry if you can not do it or accomplish it. I understand this. I do too. I feel pain and even anger. The difference is that those of us who choose to be intentionally conscious and practice returning acceptance in the face of fear or anger, over time, those of us who do this will do it more often naturally as the new gut reaction over the gut reaction of anger that we used to have. You know the saying of practice makes perfect. To your body, and the neurochemicals you generate in gut reaction, which cause you to feel during an auto response, that has been deeply ingrained in your neuropathways in your brain for a certain neurochemical mix everytime you are faced with a certain dilemma or problem. You will feel the same everytime, because you have trained yourself so long, for so many years with a neurochemical mix that it is a gut reaction and auto response one need not think about before experiencing it. To change the neurochemical mix, and ingraine a new neuropathway to the point that it becomes an auto response/gut reaction takes lots of conscious practice, and that is what the intentional consciousness is a tool for..........to retrain the brain to put out a new mix of neurochemicals so that we automatically in our gut reactions feel something different, something that is not anger, something that reinforces to ourselves that we are worthy, that our value is not tied to issue nor is the other person's. With practice, anger slips away without our even knowing it. It takes time though, because the cells that receive our neurochemicals, and that is practically every cell in your body, they take time to reproduce and to change the receptors on their surface for the new mix of neurochemicals being put out.....more receptors for the good stuff and less receptors for the bad stuff as the bad stuff receptors are not used for a long time. So, while one might not see a change in ourselves immediately in our gut reactions and feelings, one does notice it over time. The change we can see almost immediately though is the change in others as to how they react to us. If you want to see what I am talking about, spend a day or two smiling at everyone and every situation you face. Smile alot. You will see the change in others immediately. Generate enough good response in them with your smiles, and you will be generating those feel good neurochemicals. Do it every day for a year, and you will see the change in your gut reactive auto responses to dilemmas or problems. Understand here that I am not telling you or anyone that it is ok to face danger or fear from someone everyday of your life. Sometimes, to change our lives, we have to change the venue and move on to different interactions and lives. This is not saying that whatever we deal with, we must accept it in our lives forever, no matter it's negativity or danger and just learn to constantly react with love and acceptance of the negative thing. No. When we become more conscious, invariably, what happens is over time things change around us because we will gravitate to those of a different vibrational level, and we will naturally distance ourselves from negativity which sucks our spiritual energy, just as those who are negative will naturally gravitate to others like themselves. We do not have to put up with energy vampires as part of our sentence who suck our energy day in and day out with testing our ability to incorporate positive responses always in the face of fear and anger. One can only do so much to try to heal another's fear/root of anger. If they are not willing or wanting to change their responses, if they cling to their fears/roots of anger, if they can not untie their ego or worth or value from issues over time no matter how much love you throw at it, then the only thing you can do is throw love at it and distance yourself from the energy vampire. Start with loving yourself owning absolutely nothing but your soul, no matter the career, the things, or anything else. Value yourself, and you can value others. Then, there will be no need felt, only joy at receiving what one wants and no anger at not receiving what one sees. Having said all this, and I know it is long, you, I, and all of us out there are only human. I am not perfect and can not do it perfectly, but I do practice, and thank goodness I have been blessed with some consciousness, which is so much better than being blind to it all. You will see me falter, but I will get up and try again. Forgive yourself for faltering and try again. It will come to you.......happiness that is........in time. Peace, Light, Love
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7/24/2008 7:21 pm |
yeah what she said.  Hi Howard. 
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