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today tonight tomorrow
1/20/2008 1:51 am Last Read: |
my gods was rehearsal long long long. I somehow managed to stumble through the scenes I was in, and though I am NOWHERE near off book, it wasn't as humiliating as i thought it was going to be. I had to get to the rehearsal hall (in Berkeley) early because we were filming a little video clip to go on the Crowded Fire website to help promote the show. Finally, by 6pm when it was time to go, I was wired and tired. I called The Friend to see how he was doing after his Most Strenuous Evening (*cough*) and his busy day taking his God-Daughter to see Alvin and the Chipmunks. I was at the train station and could technically, have taken a train up north in his direction or back west to go home. He needed some recoup time, so I trundled on home. Well, more accurately, I trundled off to an AA Meeting, then on home. At first, for a few minutes, I felt kinda pouty and heel draggy, since my schedule funnels down to nothing in a few days and I was all "Waaaaaah! Who cares if you need personal time?!?!" On the other hand, it is not as though I couldn't use the rest  I think it is kind of awesome to know that he totally DID want to see me, but also knew that he needs to regroup and chill. And I do too! My inner waggysub wants more more more all of the time...I appreciate, on a great many levels, that he seems, thus far, good at taking care of himself and of me too, on a basic emotional level. Just kind of naturally.Plus It made it more clear to me that, it is true, the world does not end if I do not get what I think I want. A girlfriend was asking me the other day "What do you think would happen if he, say, backed out or dialed things way back?" and he certainly would have reason to, I think. I thought about it, and I can honestly say I would be sad. But again, Armageddon is not tied to the Mo's Relationship Status Clock. Well, it isn't barring my getting married, having 2.7 kids and moving to the country. THEN you should keep an eye out for rivers of blood, frog rain and 4 horsemen waving about seals of doom. But in the same way that I did not coil away and die when Things Did Not Work As Hoped with my friend in the UK, I believe that I have the ovaries to live on even if people fall by the wayside. Every time I have thought "THIS IS IT!!! THIS IS THE ONE!!" I have not been entirely correct SO, I'll take this moment to moment smiling feeling for as long as it lasts. I don't want to miss it whilst worrying about when it will be over OK, so just in case this was sounding too sane... I had a moment of Zen when The Friend got 2 calls the other night from 2 exes. Well, I think. One was his first ex-wife and the other some former "friend" who was looking him up after over a decade. How the fuck do these women have this radar?!?! I can't say I was delighted to hear that. I thought it darkly amusing. And, of course, if what is meant to happen is a reunion with an ex, that would be par for my course, as I have driven 4 men to marry former partners after breaking up with me. I know, I know, it is not all about me But that shit is just eerie!!! SO, I took a shower and shook it off best I could. He poked his head into the shower to ask if I was OK, and I could honestly say yes, and it was right then, because I thought it was sweet comfort he even thought to see if I was truly spun out or I was just being a twiddlyhead. Note to dominants: DO DEMONSTRABLY and ACTUALLY give a shit about how your submissive is processing things, OK? We tend to be reactive little squidlets, even the strongest of us, and even the smallest change of pH in the relationship pool can throw off our emotional chemistry. When you show you give a fuck, it makes us feel we'd do anything to please you. Well, OK, Mollena does. She ought not speak for all submissives / slaves / owned property types. They can weigh in for themselves. *sigh* Yay head twiddlies! ....dammit. I don't wanna sleep alone! It isn't evey day you find someone who does not hog covers or wake you up with weird schnorklings or that you wake up with your own weird schnorklings. Fuckolio it is late.  Mollena
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 1/20/2008 6:32 am |
Hugs Mollena. You are doing great IMHO. Good insight about submissives being "reactive little squidlets". Or perhaps that is true of many women? Most women? Some men? I just know that empathy makes us think we are responsible for everyone's feelings and all outcomes, makes us feel guilt where there should be done, and makes us ultra sensitive when anything feels "off" in a relationship, even in the early stages. While it's good to be strong and independent, it's natural to want to be with / see someone. That may be another submissive thing, you know. Routine helps me cope as well as consistency and his eternal concern for how I am feeling. Left to my own devices I would want to be with the one I love all the time but since it's not possible, knowing when I will see / talk with him helps me enjoy those times and also be productive and mostly fulfilled when alone.
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1/20/2008 8:11 am |
...and he certainly would have reason to, I think... STOP THAT! Right now! (Unless of course you forgot to mention that he much prefers being miserable and alone, in which case, yes, he would have reason to.) Sigh... Don't make me insist we rendezvous at Venieros! Jinxing it by talking about it too soon has unfortunately been proven, repeatedly, to be true. But that's not what is happening here. And he already sounds evolved and present enough not to be learning from you all that he should have been, so he can go back and be better with those from the past. I think everyone is a "reactive little squidlet" (oooooh... LOVE that... stealing... errrr... copying!) especially when our antennae are up so much higher than they should be that they're out of their slots. We just show it differently: some have a tantrum and disappear in a huff over nothing, some shower and shake it off and let reason in! Good job, Mo! (Oh... and that he stuck his head in to check... sneak in a hug for him from me, please. We should all reward perfect behavior!)  ~Sen  
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