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....precipitation, fornication, consternation.....
1/26/2008 11:31 pm Last Read: |
For those who give a shit (and a bow and thank you to the thoughtful awesome ones who took the time to ask) I am not looking too good on the health of my anklebone. The Urgent Care NP who examined me gave a tentative diagnosis (10 points to  ) of osteophages, or tiny bone spurs. Which basically means "Fuck you and suck it up." for now, anyway. Once I have my insurance on-line I can see an orthopedist, and have an MRI to confirm, etc. But the fact is, it seems there really is not much that can be done. Oh, and she said that it might be a good idea to take steps to reduce the amount of pressure on the bones, as that can help.To wit, lose weight, fatass! No, she did not say it like that. But I do not feel like repeating the nice and smiley way in which this recommendation was passed down to me. This means that I am not necessarily doing any damage to the bones, but when the pain randomly stabs me I kind of have to grin and bear it. This will, no doubt, as a delicious nuance to my performances. I am not a huge fan of my humanity. Those things that "make me Me" piss me off about as often as they fill me with some kind of wondrous glimmering self-actualized respect and affection. Which makes for interesting days. This last week I had the hardest time concentrating...the constant chill and rain did not elevate my mood, as I am fair game for the vagaries of rain and fog and gloom. Why live in San Francisco, you ask? Good question, and one I ask myself whenever I find myself staring at yet another gloomy morning. I do live in the one part of town that has a fighting screaming chance of sun if there is any to be had. I do not live in the Fog Belt. But day after day of rain is not to be thwarted....mudslides, flooding, you name it. It even snowed. Insanity prevails. I expect locusts by next Thursday, and possibly to see the 4 horsemen clambering on their winded steeds of doom up Nob Hill next Sunday morning to deliver their dirge-like proclamations of The End Times to a moistened, dispassionate city. I am discovered that We are a fucking nervous wreck. Yes, it is true. Strange thing about being sober: there ARE things that worked quite well for me when I was still drinking that, by the end of my drinking career were so full of fail that I assumed that stopping drinking would put me spang in the midst of the right path to set everything right. Alas, not. My mental cyclotron buzzes into high gear behind my "shortcomings", real , perceived, exaggerated or underscored. In the past week, I have been massively spun put by: My lack of progress in "working my AA program"... My failure to learn my lines.... My flailing in my capacity to be organized in my new job..... My hyper-vigilance and anxiety as to the nuances of every word spoken or NOT spoken by my new Friend...... My fucked up ankle....... See. lots of "me" in there. Not a lot of room for compassion for myself. Lots of "Why cant you just......" A metric fuckton of self-flagellation. A googleplex of private Tasmanian Devils of Anxiety slavering and whining and moaning all day and night. And....of course....I realize that I am an ant frying under the effulgent illumination of hormones propagated under the magnifying glass of PMS. Which, without my usual crutch of mood altering substances, is making me run for my money. I had a really really nice square dance with Bubbles this evening....I went, after a grueling rehearsal, to try to go to an AA meeting, but the schedule was wrong and there was not one where it was listed on the AA website that there WAS one. I could not feature waiting around for 2 and a half hours for the next one, was tired, wanted to get home before the rain started back up. ON the street...one bar, one cannabis club, one liquor store later, and even as I stood in the aisle of the grocery store, gazing blearly at the cat food cans my eye wandered over to the 14 doors opening to the bottles of toxic-to-me solutions to no problems that this store sold in every conceivable formulation. I sighed. Then as though it were an actual sensation a slithering up the back of my inner eye maybe a paw on my hand and a rough broad hot tongue lapping the back of my knee Hey, it has been a long day and you have a long evening...alone...your Friend isn't coming over....who knows what he IS doing tonight....and you still have SO much work to do.....on your lines...wouldn't it be nice to just have a glass of wine or three.... Even as my stomach knotted at the thought of alcohol and I shook in disgust at the blatant tactics she was using, she laughed that hyperventilated sick sallow knotted guffaw hey, just kidding...I know you don't do that anymore...I know you don't even wanna...you can take a joke, right? Yeah. Maybe. Or maybe not. Maybe we will just sit and look you in the eye tonight, Bubbles, because it is not now, not today. not for you to eat me anymore. Ugh. I do not have much compassion for her today. But that is OK, because I still can love that part of me, sick as it is. Thank the gods I was paid this Friday and had enough money for a small tub of mini-bite brownies! Speaking of nuances.....I am both proud of and dismayed by my capacity to be all mature and Zen about my interactions with my Friend and then on a dime live NOT AT ALL in the moment and begin tripping about shit I have no business worrying over. I am not enamored of the habit I have noticed of having expectations of what I "Want him to say" and then savagely chewing myself a new asshole when I spin out because he does not do or say what I'd wanted. It can be so simple and something I am quite certain is Not A Big Deal and yet I can weave it into whole cloth of A Problem in a manner that makes Rumplestilskin's feat of straw into gold look like a parlor trick. I am AMAZING in my capacity to read a passing comment as a Portent Of Things To Come. Of course, then, you have people reminding you to "take it slow" and other people reminding you to "pay attention to your gut" and other people reminding you that "you are a newly sober alcoholic and therefore you really shouldn't even be doing any of this now." and some people telling you to "Just relax, have a moment to just enjoy things in the moment." And by you, I mean me, and there it is. I find myself feeling comforted that my Friend is in my life, right now, for now, and that he is able to talk to me about recovery in a way that I understand, and for being straightforward. EVEN when I do not agree with him...and even when wish he'd have said something different  I am not so comforted by the gibbering jealousy I have shimmying on the edge of my emotional periphery. NOT cool. Yet another emotional jetstream to keep an eye on. Oy! I do not wish to repeat the fit of pique an impending lunch date he has with with "An old friend" sent through my headbones. Yep, this is one obsessive insecure woman when it comes to this shit. Own it, own it, owning it, before it pwns me! This morning, while moving his car, he went to the Castro for special drip brew coffees....when the Castro Philz was closed, he called to let me know he would be going to the other branch in the Mission. I had to laugh...he was very earnest in his desire for the special attention they pay to their brewed-by-the-cup ballet of flavor. Oh, and the sprig of mint that picks up and livens the cuppa. We had a fairly intense discussion about my trying the mint coffee, and why my adding after-marked soy milk and sugar were simply not going to cut, it, as I had to have them do it in their "Special Way". I cannot deny it was a very good cup of coffee  I cannot minimize the wonder of having someone who is affectionate and sweet in my life. I can be very grateful for that for today. Even the simplest of kisses makes me smile and think "My gods that is nice!" so I think that is a good thing. And being fucked so mercilessly I can hardly catch my breath and cannot see straight or speak really at all is not something about which I can say anything but "Hallelujah!". Well, I can say that afterward, once I have caught my breath, regained my ocular integrity, and cooled off a bit. It is raining again on my skylight. I should to bed.....but before then I have to post this and see if anyone has read all the way through and takes a moment to say hello. This "craving external validation" thing I have, I am not too proud to embrace it. Pat me on the head, tell me I am all-right, that it will all be ok....please?  Mollena
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1/27/2008 1:14 am |
Winces, bone spurs. Writhes a bit. You have my sympathies. Smiles, a good friend of mine has eight years clean tomorrow. Every day is wrung from the jangle of life. You are awesome. Really, in the truest sense of the word. Because you do it. And you keep at it. You have the strength to live with yourself. That's pretty impressive in my book.
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 1/27/2008 1:41 am |
Winces, bone spurs. Writhes a bit. You have my sympathies. Smiles, a good friend of mine has eight years clean tomorrow. Every day is wrung from the jangle of life. You are awesome. Really, in the truest sense of the word. Because you do it. And you keep at it. You have the strength to live with yourself. That's pretty impressive in my book. Thank you for being awake and for taking the time to write....and to remind me that I can feel awesome! With deepest affection....and gratitude.... Mollena
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1/27/2008 2:39 am |
*pats your head* You are awesome. Nuff said. DarkGoddess is a few weeks away from having her next foal, btw. 
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1/27/2008 3:13 am |
*pats your head* You are awesome. Nuff said. DarkGoddess is a few weeks away from having her next foal, btw. I am so delighted! At least one of us has sprogs Will you send photos?!?! Thanks you for the pats. I sure appreciate and can use all of them, beautiful love Mollena
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1/27/2008 7:34 am |
*Pats your head and healing kisses on your ankle* You are more than all-right, woman, you are DarkGoddess, you are Mollena!! Remember, please, when it comes to all this Friend stuff... we're all still teenagers. Even the boys. And teenage boys... remember? Sigh. For perspective: I hesitantly told an internet friend how something he does makes me feel, but that I was a bit afraid to tell him. He smiled, pretty quickly. And later said he liked the image I have of him, and sent me a present. And he hasn't done it since, and it's been about... 523 seconds, with little to no chance of his being able to do it, but why bother with details. Am I focusing on the smile and the present, or that it's been 541 seconds? Girls. Sigh. Boys. Sigh. Sigh... I had an ankle bone spur, huge one, with a little off-shoot one. They had to be removed, but until that happened, I'd suddenly be on the ground, because my ankle would give way, and the pain was horrific. I'm thinking... if there is anyone who can pull this off with grand style, it's you. What about... a just-in-case cane? *Pats your head, kisses your ankle, hugs you, and swats & bone-chilling looks to Bubbles* ~Sen  
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1/27/2008 12:39 pm |
I thought that might be what was up...I have them on the back of my heels... that "stab me" pain is the spur pinching or clipping a nerve...and it is AGONY!!! I also get them on my elbows theoretically from leaning on my elbows too much But usually they disolve on their own with some "rest" (who the hell can rest these days) For newcomers and not so newcomers. Arm yourself with knowledge
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1/27/2008 6:10 pm |
It is amazingly easy to rush in to validate you. You rock. You are kind-hearted, articulate, way too hard on yourself, and clearly a warm, talented, and smart woman. Not to mention awesomely beautiful inside and out. And by the way in case it helps, I am 20 years older and feel the same twinges of anxiety, self-pity, low self-esteem, depression, obsessiveness, and so on. By the time you're my age, you'll be perfect clearly.
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1/28/2008 12:12 am |
It is amazingly easy to rush in to validate you. You rock. You are kind-hearted, articulate, way too hard on yourself, and clearly a warm, talented, and smart woman. Not to mention awesomely beautiful inside and out. And by the way in case it helps, I am 20 years older and feel the same twinges of anxiety, self-pity, low self-esteem, depression, obsessiveness, and so on. By the time you're my age, you'll be perfect clearly. WHY do people set us up for failure like that?!?!?  Though I must say, I fared remarkably well in the zit department  Thank you, NTSL, because you are generous and so and because you possessed of a perky perspicacity! Mollena
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1/28/2008 7:59 am |
Someone, somewhere, assured me that when i was a grown up, I would not feel as confused by things as I did when I was a kid. That the stuff that grownups did would make sense. ANN that I wouldn't get pimples any more. WHY do people set us up for failure like that?!?!? They also told me that once I had my tonsils out, no more sore throats. Right. Ever since, it skips right over "sore" and heads directly to "strep"... Grownups. UGH. ~Sen
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1/28/2008 10:52 am |
Funnily enough, I still have my tonsils. And now that I think on it, I almost never have throat problems. Sinus sitt, hello yeah, and that will jack up my throat soometimes. But maybe there is something to the old "leave 'em in!" school of thought! Mollena
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