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incidental humiliation
4/21/2008 2:45 pm Last Read: |
This weekend Daddy Gooberhead and myself went to take his dogs for a walk. Let me say this, and please hear it loud and clear: I am NOT a "Nature Person". I was raised in fucking Manhattan. Noo-Yawk-Fuckin-City. I traveled extensively as a kid, in Europe and in North Africa even. I know how to pee standing up, and i know how to find my way around any city you care to drop me in. But please gods do not take me into fucking NATURE. Not even "sorta nature". It wants me dead. It also wants to crush my soul. I did not realize this until we were walking the dogs along this trail that then became less of a trail. Mind you, this is suburban California rolling hills with brush and shit. The average hiker would ppfft this. I nearly cried. Well, I DID eventually cry. I tried to pu the brave face on. I set a moderate boundary around wading into the taller-than-head-high spikey brush. I though I could handle the waist high grass. But there were thistles. Fuckloads of them. And the ground was all mooshly and crumbledy and, frankly, scary to me because I couldn't fucking SEE it. I kept thinking "Don't be such a fucking limpdick. It is fucking grass. Nothing will hurt you." Repeating this ad nauseum did not help. In retrospect, it was an anxiety thing, and there is nothing rational about that. But I was ashamed and embarrassed and that did not help. I kept thinking "This is stupid. Just walk through the grass and deal with the prickly. It isn't that big a deal and he is going to think you are being a whiner." The level of insanity in my head was amazing. All this on a pretty, breezy Saturday afternoon. By the time we got back to the bottom of the trail, I had little red marks on my palms from my fingernails digging in and when the Pappa asked me if I was ok, and said "See, it wasn't so bad, was it?" I started crying like a total schmuck. It WAS that bad it was, in fact, worse than I could even begin to tell him. *sigh* I was ashamed to be so pathetic as to be afraid and anxious and stuff. I though "Jesus, people would laugh at me. How can I be so lame?" Over lunch, I was trying to figure out why this was such a huge deal. And I know part of it was that I was again worried about seeming lame. I was just so afraid of being mocked or people being all "You dumbass. It is just grass and bushes and shit. What coudl you possibly be afraid of?" I dunno. But the Pappa was not laughing. He never laughed at me once, and just gave me a hug when I was upset and then I was not so upset.  Now to work on forgiving him for making me watch Knocked Up.  Mollena
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4/21/2008 5:00 pm |
Oh for crying out loud, you're a NEW YORKER!! Grass in NY is the little 1/4 inch high thatch of brownish stuff in the median desperately trying to grow between the concrete blocks. And, of course, there is grass in Central Park, which is like going far into the wilderness, and we KNOW not to look in that grass, because we know what we're going to see sure isn't going to be pretty. So... waist high and higher thistle and grass and stuff? ARE YOU INSANE?! Of COURSE you don't walk into that. Sheesh, Mo... WHAT were you thinking?! ~Sen  
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4/21/2008 7:26 pm |
*squishes my eyes closed real tight and plugs my ears with my fingers* Mustn't laugh Mustn't laugh Mustn't laugh Mustn't laugh Mustn't laugh Mustn't laugh Shit.. Mustn't laugh Mustn't laugh S'okay, Mo.. You get to laugh your ass off at me when I come to SF and freak out coz of all the people and buildings and stuff.
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4/21/2008 8:55 pm |
First...this is why he's the Daddy. Yay Good Daddy. Second, I'm going to hug you....cause Third...I'm cruelly laughing with Lilith. Ok, composed. Life throws all sorts of challenges our way and I'm glad you maintained and tried to do the "adult" thing, processing emotions and trying to think logically. But I'm still kinda giggling at the thought of you doing the "OMG" dance.
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 4/22/2008 4:55 pm |
yeah yeah, Lil and PE. IN the immortal words of Eric Cartman: Mollena
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4/23/2008 12:24 pm |
I am just the opposite--I hike a few times a week, I love nature, animals, all of it...but when I had to DRIVE in NYC on a SATURDAY afternoon--omg--over this bridge and into this tunnel--I was so very nervous--and Daddy sitting beside me telling me where to go- which lanes- be aggressive- so SO not me...he said next time we will take the train into the city from his beach house...yeah, only if he is there holding my hand the whole time... "Only those who risk going too far can possibly find out how far one can go. " ~T.S.Eliot
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