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 | Blogs > Mollena > The Perverted Negress. > When it is worth it. [Or, why I wont be *debating* on race play.] |
When it is worth it. [Or, why I wont be *debating* on race play.]
6/3/2009 1:35 pm Last Read: |
Since it is the elephant of color in the room, so to speak, here is why you won't see me responding tit-for-tat to those who criticize my motives, on all levels, for sharing my views on a particular approach to one aspect of BDSM play in which I occasionally participate with a handful of friends. I have no interest in debate. Not that I don't wish to have opposing views. Far from it. When I do presentations on playing with race I spend a SUBSTANTIAL amount of time sharing the oppositional viewpoint. To the point where some people take away that they are even more firmly convinced this type of play isn't for them. So when I further expose myself to ridicule and character slashings, up to and including from people with whom I have sat and broken bread, it isn't a self-aggrandizing attention grab. Believe it or not, a real person with real feelings is writing this stuff and putting it out there. I certainly have no joy added to my life when people trash my character and spirit and talk shit about me. But the thing is this. For every person who threatens violence, for every person who has a knee jerk reaction, for every person who paints ME with their PERSONAL revulsion at WIITID, there are many, many more people who hear what I have to say. Even those who are in disagreement with me. My personal blog has much of my writings on this subject and I was moved to tears last night when a reader wrote a response to me that, in all sincerity, washed away weeks or pain and shit that I let impact me. Something I said changed her thinking. This isnt something people hear every day. But I hear it more and more when I talk about the hard stuff. What submission is. How play can be risky. What it is to be a minority, what it is to be fat. I hear it more and more. When I was in Chicago for Shibaricon, I had several people walk up to me and say similar things. This is a strange and exhilarating and humbling experience. Something I was moved to share changed someones life. Their way of thinking. How they see themselves. For the better. Just wow. Because of that, I carry on. I won't back down from who I am. I will not be made to feel like I am "wrong" or that I should hide in the closet for what I do. Each and every person on this site is here because they identify as kinky. For kinky people to turn their rancor on others for reasons of difference in life-experience, sexual preferences and desire is sad, but no longer shocks me. These same people wont blink an eye when a local dungeon holds a Slave Auction. These same people use tools of oppression, of torture, with a gleam in their eye but feel free to trash me because they have decided that I have gone to far. And I know from my own personal experience that some of my more vehement violent critics are those who play in the dark recesses of the mind and heart when it comes to racial politics in and out of the bedroom, but their own issues provoke them to lash out at me, who dare drag this beast to the light. I've read post after post where people make tangential arguments and specific examples of why I am wrong to do this type of play. SO many of these people were drawing from NON-CONSENSUAL origins of race based violence. Go ahead and skip over the fact that we in the BDSM community are basing ALL OF OUR INTERSECTIONS ON CONSENT if you wish. But I see the flaw in your criticism. We are all about consent. Nothing I do can ever "trivialize" the sacrifices and horrors of what my family went through in the past. Nothing. So for you to give ME the power to MITIGATE HISTORY is pretty fucking flattering! But you know what else it is? Wrong. Wrong and specious. I travel all over the U.S. to Leather Conventions. I am invited all over the country to share, lecture, teach and present on MANY topics. And I have done the class on Race play perhaps a dozen times. Every time it is nerve-wracking for me, because people come in with chips on their shoulders. But they listen, and we talk. Thing about the online medium, it allows you anonymity and distance to say shit you would probably re-think if you were afforded the opportunity to look me in the eye and actually talk to me about these issues. Therefore, I allow for some of the language to roll off of my back. But not all of it. Because it is important for me to remember how tough this is, and how real. And that is part of the reason I carry on. Because shirking away from it won't make it go away. To those who have negative things to say about race play: believe me, I know, more than you who have NEVER DONE IT, what it bloody means. And for those who wave the flag of "More oppressed than thou:" assume nothing. That is the road to ruin when it comes to truly understanding one another. You. Dont. Know. My. Heart. Not all of it. I respect your humanity and your right to not do what I do. I regret you fail to reciprocate that respect. So no, I won't debate. The point if a debate is to persuade people to your POV. I have no desire or inclination to do that. My desire and inclination is to suggest ways to open yourself to discussion, dialogue, new and different thoughts. Because that is my job, actually, when you think about it.  Mollena
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 6/3/2009 3:32 pm |
Mollena What a deep and thoughtful, not to mention moving post! I hope you don't mind but I will link it to a Group I belong to here The Bridge Thank you for sharing your experiences and thoughts.... A life spent making mistakes is not only more honorable, but more useful than a life spent doing nothing. George Bernard Shaw Jenny
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6/3/2009 4:56 pm |
We travel a lot too, so be prepared...I am not so shy that I won't grab the opportunity to learn form someone like you. So if I see you, or am in one of those classes...Expect for me to ask if you take hugs and then expect that I will ask when you have time to answers lots of questions  ~Kat~
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6/3/2009 4:58 pm |
Mollena, I'm glad to read this excellent post. You've shared some wonderful and painful things about your experiences with these issues with lifestyle folks. You share several very good points. I hope you continue to do what's right for you personally in the lifestyle. I also hope you keep trying to foster understanding and tolerance of any activities which some find difficult to have such with. Understanding and tolerance are so vital to a healthier lifestyle community and go far in general life also. *hugs* "It is only with the heart that one can see rightly."
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6/3/2009 6:03 pm |
 To thine ownself be true.....always. Carry on, my friend. For newcomers and not so newcomers. Arm yourself with knowledge
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6/3/2009 7:47 pm |
Ya know, I read a reference to your posting on a discussion board decrying race play and I was thinking "Ummmm....you're white." How can you declare that race play is demeaning? That's amazingly condescending. LOL, and my (Ganesh, forgive the pun) black humor cues in with a central casting mammy voice going "Well thank de lor' for dem white folks looking after us". To imply with kindness that someone obviously don't have the intelligence to grasp that they are allowing themselves to *gasp* perpetuate terrible injustices. Yeah. And some people find rimming disturbing too. Keep on shining.
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6/3/2009 10:22 pm |
I found the discussion on race play very insightful. Its not something I participate in but I found the "thou shalt not" approach fascinating. Consenting adults can participate in play, age play and Nazi interrogation scenes and no one bats an eye but consenting adults engaging in SS&C role play about race is somehow a repudiation of all the sacrifices of previous generations. And then to discover that the opinions of WASP's or those of colour who "can pass" are invalid was saddening. NG
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6/4/2009 3:19 am |
I personally don't believe in "race". It's an idiot concept which is created to serve idiot agendas. However, I acknowledge the existence of a veritable herd of holy cows in most every individual's life; and the more or less outspoken need to slaughter them all in order to breathe some gasps of that precious air of freedom. Among these are such things as race, religion, gender identity; so on and so forth. Very dominant identity-forming concepts that are also serving as bulwarks towards the onslaught of new information and alternative ideas - i.e. they are prejudical in the purest form of prejudice. Lately I have come to think that if there is such a thing as "race" in the human species, it will have to be hanging on other things than skin colour (although that is easy to spot even for a very simple mind). For instance, there is larger differences between East Africans and West Africans than there is between East Africans and South Europeans; that in turn are closer to Arabs than to North Europeans; that in turn are closer to West Africans than to North American Indians; that in turn are closer to Siberian Tribesfolk than to South American Indians; etc. etc. - speaking now in terms of physical appearances, skin colour exempted. Isn't it the shock effect of blasphemy which is the true energy of all such "race play"? A Catholic may feel most profoundly revolted and terrified by a Black Mass homage to Satan, and a Jew will truly be a blasphemer for engaging in "Nazi Death Camp Play", whereas an urban American black person will get pretty much the same thrill at pretending to be a plantation slave of the South, nicht was? We all have our demons, and rather than hide them in that particular closet which is reserved for That Which Terrifies Us The Most, we might as well drag them out into the daylight and examine them from all directions. Oh yah.
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6/4/2009 7:16 am |
I was reminded of the fact that the Greeks used comedy for topics too thorny to address in drama. I have always been one to think that taking out social taboos into the light of day, joking about them, cracking them open and making people look them in the face was a good thing. Sweeping them under the rug or tiptoeing around only adds infection to the festering wound. But people usually hush me up lol. A worthy topic and a brave one. I assume you do go hear stand up comics whose shticks might even bear a passing resemblance to race play? How is race play any worse than me playing a slut to liberate myself from reticence and sexual repression?
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6/9/2009 1:16 pm |
Bravo, on a number of levels. Much love Bod. ~O x Evil Religions <--- click here to vote please
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6/17/2009 8:05 am |
Here's the thing safe, sane consensual if this is what the BDSM community is supposed live by and acceptance is what it provides to whatever venue your kink takes what is the problem? I don't believe in it for myself just like I don't believe in abortion for myself. But what you and others do to make you feel complete that is up to you. I am sorry that people feel that they must tell you how to live your life and do your thing, but then there are always people that must control something to make themselves feel better.
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7/4/2009 8:55 pm |
There is, sadly, a lot of intolerance within the alternative 'kink community'. More power to you & never let the bastards grind you down. ID Live until you Die
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7/6/2009 1:42 pm |
I can understand to a degree what you are talking about here. I am a passivest/feminist, raised as a Christian, but I am also lesbian/butch top/domme. I did a lot of soul searching for a number of years before I could "justify" taking action on my bdsm desires. The thought of , humiliation of another human being, hurting a child in anyway, or owning a slave made me sick. And yet I have participated in or watched this kind of play, and yes enjoyed it. I have brought all side of my life together, into one that I am happy with. I respect the woman that I have become and that's all that counts. I don't answer to anyone else. I have lost a number of lesbian friends over the years, they just don't understand how I could want to do the things that I do, how I could hurt a woman that I love. I have also gained a number of friends within the bdsm lifestyle that do understand me, so I have not lost much. But if ever you want to feel a real "hot seat" set in a room full of militant lesbians, many woc and even more /incest survivors and tell them that You are a Domme ... then run like hell... Thanks for sharing your insight, I would love to take one of your classes. Boo   Boo  
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