BDSM & Alternative Lifestyle Personals
 | Blogs > Mollena > The Perverted Negress. > The lows make the highs all the sweeter. |
The lows make the highs all the sweeter.
7/30/2009 10:18 am Last Read: |
Dark moods are not unknown to me. Though I have many fewer now than I did even a year ago, and by orders of magnitude fewer today than I did when I a still actively drinking myself to death. the (up?down?)side to this is that today, I am committed to turning my heart to face these moods and riding them instead of suffocating them in the sickly miasma of a sloppy drunk. I had no reason, on the surface, to be as wracked with emotional pain as I was on Saturday night. I mean, here I was, at a kink event, among friends, having taught the most highly attended class at the event even though Id flown in to Madison, WI last-minute. Literally. Hit the tarmac and within 2 hours was in front of a room full of people talking about BDSM, sharing my thoughts, listening to theirs, gloriously supported by my wonderful friends. Id even been asked by two kick-ass kids who run the Young & Kinky Podcast to do an interview. Benny and Jinx are so awesome, and it was so delightful to meet and get to know them a little. Plus it was saving me from having to be around so many people And yet later I sat in a dark parking lot, ass prickled by bushes, sobbing my sinuses shut and pouring out my jangled thoughts on Twitter / Facebook. How does this happen? There were lots of reasons. Many of which have to do with my own self-esteem and the wicked brilliance of my inner saboteur. Every time EVERY time I forget how powerful my Nasty Voice can be, she snaps from some hidden murky corner. Bubbles (yeah if you dont know about her read this here) had plenty to say to me as I sat on the sidelines watching other people play. And I have to listen. Cant escape, mustnt muzzle. Muzzling painful voices isnt effective. They remember, and the have the patience of death. And I have no choice. Oh yes. they all love you, and theyll come up and tell you that all of these people..and sure, your class was great blah blah blah but is it you they like or just that you amuse them? If you were so great and all that shit wouldnt you have someone with you? or wouldnt you be returning home to that amazing dominant you love so passionately? Oh yeah you dont have that. Sorry. Too bad, huh? Look over there your friends are playing, having fun. And over here, that kneeling slave so devotedly gazing into his mistresses eyes adoringly as she strokes his head when was the last time anyone loved you like that someone you loved more fiercely than breath? That hurt. Hurt badly. Suddenly the play-space was claustrophobic, the lights too distracting the sounds too loud the smell of fuel from the fire-play and the leather from the floggers nauseating and i had to leave. And I sat, with these feelings, and tried to be as compassionate as I could with myself. Not blaming. Not furthering the pain with more blame. Not too long afterward my friend Dana found me and patiently explained why I was not a loser. I kind of believed her. I believed her enough to grab the lifeline. And I started to feel better. bloody exhausted. but better. Part of me wanted to kick and yell and cry and run and hide, but in general I was remembering what it feels like to be around people I dont feel compelled to entertain, or be pleasing and can really just be. It is true that there may be more people than I know for whom this will be true, but Im crazy leery about that shit. And Sunday was, in fact, one of the best days Ive had in a long time. There was a house party a gathering in the wake f the Madtown Kinkfest in a gorgeous house. Relaxed. just a lot of kinky people enjoying the sun, or the AC or the hot tub. swapping stories, and I felt quite welcome relaxed. And even when Bubbles trued to bite at me again as i say unable to join in a conversation where everyone but me .was relating stories of the weekends play, their scenes, all that, and I felt grabbled by that nasty, nasty maelstrom I let it go, because it was OK. None of those people were me. None of those people had has the pleasure Id had in sharing with my class, none of those people had been given the dark and prickly gift of surviving killing emotion and yet being able to enjoy the sunshine on the morning. I was OK. and then we did the kinkiest shit of all: after the Brunch, my friends Gray and Dana and I went .to the movies. And then wait for it to dinner. I know! And believe me, I was so stunned at how lovely and normal it all was i could hardly catch my breath. But I didnt wanna seem like a dork and be all OMG SQUEE!! MOVIES AND DINNER!!! But Ill say it now. IN fact, I just did! (We saw "MOON which rocked. Go see it. Deft hands and minds crafted that film. Love it.) Supper was at a grill your own steak house called The Prime Quarter and holy shit that was pretty damned cool too. Buncha people standing around indoor open fire pits grilling steaks? Yes please. Later in the evening back at Grays apartment Dana turned to me, arms draped over a long bamboo pole, her innocent grin belied by the truly wicked gleam in her eyes as asked me if I would mind her using me for some rope practice while Gray coached her though some harness work. Please, do NOT throw me into that brier patch. But thrown I was. Righteously so. Sunday nights scene (because yes, it did flowerblossom explode and race right into an insane headrush of a scene ) well, it was pretty bloody fantastic. I havent played much with Gray and this was the first opportunity Id had to play with Dana and, to be frank, I dont know what business I have playing with switchy type people ESPECIALLY switchy women because you KNOW they are teh ebilz .but I got lucky. I also discovered that Dana has a kick like a wild mule. And she discovered she likes kicking girls. And I discovered that there isnt very much room to move when you are being suffocated in Grays crotch while he holds up your legs so that his girlfriend can brace herself on a suspension frame and wail on your ass. And it was good. Better than good. it was what I really needed. Im not away enough from the play to write about it,but I will soon. It is incredibly rare that I meet people who I love this quickly, but I cant help it. Dana, Gray, I love you and I am so honored that you are my friends. OK now Im totally all verkempt. Sitting in a coffee shop in Madison, Wisconsin thinking and feeling and leaning back so I dont cry on my laptop. But I am. I am so blessed. To be loved, to have friends, to have so many, many people who give a shit about me.  Mollena
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7/30/2009 1:42 pm |
Honey, I am so there. I'm new to the scene in Dallas and don't know a soul. I go to events, but mostly it's just sitting on the sidelines watching, getting to know people. And picking up the pieces of my reality now that my Daddy isn't in my life. I give a shit. I give a fuck. I give any choice of bodily fluids including my heart's blood for you. You are an amazing woman.
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