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KainWilkus 37M
114 posts
10/21/2014 7:18 pm
Depeche Mode - Dream On.


Just a place holder for the moment. The thought's there, just needs to be fleshed out; newborn cynicism. It's still over-thinking, and I'll get back to you soon.

Note: Can not wait to get the fuck out of here and kiss all this shit goodbye.

Be honest, what would happen if we met for the first time today?
Just here til the end and the budding begins. I know my place.

Edit: Airiel - In Your Room
Swore never to use this song in a post. This is my "the one" song. First dance at a wedding, "Say Anything" boombox type song. Same principle as "Come What May" from "Moulin Rouge!". Dedicated to the love of my life. Feelings type nonsense. Well...........about that...........yeah......... Have to rethink that.

It's funny how you can be so close to somebody yet be worlds apart. I keep thinking about the first time; only last year and a crazy year to boot. Story's on xmatch if you're interested. Anyway.....

"The Guide is definitive. Reality is frequently inaccurate."

Edit: Mogwai - Mogwai Fear Satan (Mogwai Remix)...............Mogwai
Forever: Elementary meets Sleepy Hollow starring Dr. House

Even wise people still learn.
Jack Whitehall: "If I've a problem I drop the off at the pool & go back to it."
Stephen Fry: "You leave your alone at a pool?!"

Never speak in subtext.

Still so many questions, still so few answers.

Edit: Walk The Moon - Shut Up and Dance
Skin cold and tight.
Want to scream and punch a wall.
Vision blurry.
Nightmares.....Red from inside forcing its way out.
An observer. ...no attachment.

This is the price I paid.....and I never paid it before.
What is happening to me?

Some time later:
Sorry about that......very surreal situation.
What is it about us that we have a tendency to latch on to negative energy and feel comfort in it? Explain soap operas and Springer in waiting rooms, I dare you.

Is this a song from the heart? If so then.....sorry lost it; catchy song.
It doesn't make sense.

Actually.......scratch all that.
I'm maybe 75% there.
For the record never tell someone not to read something. I find it better to keep silent in these matters.
And the changes keep coming along with the weight loss.
What's your secret? Simple, fall in love and think of every way to sabotage it without you being at fault. Funny how we'd rather demolish something than try to make it stronger. A lifetime of being alone does strange things to the psyche.

Devotchka - How It Ends

A lot of people remember the first time they got drunk, or at least the start. Then drunken nights become hallmark stories. Second time I got drunk I almost had my neck snapped maybe twice. At least once. I think the second time I was just thrown to the floor and held by the neck.

Tech N9ne - Einstein
Weird Al - White and Nerdy
Starship - We Built This City.
These were my anthems. I don't know why I'm telling you this.

The mind can stretch to infinity but the world outside is much bigger.
And for the first time in forever, a genuine smile. 80% there, 20% cooler.

Edit: Ben Howard - Bones & Promise
Some songs always get you.

Mvnners - I Could Love You
What do you do when what's buried comes rising? The zombies of your emotions.

It's weird. Every thought is contradicted by another, and when one takes the podium it's smacked with a shovel.

I got to be honest, I don't think being in love is for me. You've seen the shit I've been writing; makes me cringe. What happened to good old days when all the bad was twisted into cold calculating gray? I miss being alone but not lonely. This shit makes teddy bears drinking buddies.
Just help me makes sense of it.
How can you push away when you're already being pushed?
I really wish I didn't think about this shit. The mating habits of badgers sounds more appealing at this point. I'd rather get a massage from cactus.
The Vulcan Mind Meld needs to be a real thing.

Drip-133 - Geg ft. Falls.....nice way to end.

The Echelon Effect - Sierra
Probably gonna take a break from here for awhile. Need to reset everything when self indulgence becomes an addiction. Yea......

cuzisaid 53F  
14988 posts
10/21/2014 9:08 pm

*bookmarks post*

Sometimes I make a move, sorry to leave my home, but hope I will find another of equal character.
At night I gaze at the starry mass with no idea to which one the earth attached.
May'be that cute little one over there or that one that sits alone in the inky black
.
~~ 'My place amongst the stars' c/o former member SPB ~~


cuzisaid 53F  
14988 posts
10/25/2014 5:21 pm

Shit goodbye kissing. LIKE! A LOT!

There are always questions that could be asked. Only a few have answers that are important or needed though. Those are the ones you ask. Why they are the simplest yet hardest to ask is an answer even the wisest of people dont attempt.

I love the songs. You've posted that Airiel one before. I remembered it when it started playing, so I dug back to find it. Music to sex to. It is so not my natural rhythm I had to try and think of how and what kind of sex it would inspire me to have. Now THAT is the road to creative genius, kain is able.

That is the question you did ask or want to?

'I know my place' I say that exact thing. Its always slightly sad and accepting that I am not at the place I wanted to be when I do. I dont care if you are a hugger or not you get that one and have to keep it.

Please oh please dont make me have to sign up at xmatch I cant even keep up with my stuff here. *sigh* The itch for info will probably wear me down eventually. If I get kidnapped by insane leg humpers over there you just better come save me is all I can say.

Sometimes I make a move, sorry to leave my home, but hope I will find another of equal character.
At night I gaze at the starry mass with no idea to which one the earth attached.
May'be that cute little one over there or that one that sits alone in the inky black
.
~~ 'My place amongst the stars' c/o former member SPB ~~


KainWilkus replies on 10/25/2014 5:43 pm:
June 2013:

The last 24 hours have been really exciting.
I finally had sex.
"You're excited but you don't really know what the hell you're doing. And some way, one way or another, it's over too fast."

After it was done a friend of mine from work at my old station proceeds to tell the entire workforce, and has the captain of my flight give a shout out. His words "Congratulations on becoming a new man." People in the cabin clapped but had no idea what they were clapping about.

Now if you'll excuse me, I have to put ice on my dick.

cuzisaid 53F  
14988 posts
10/25/2014 6:18 pm

You are so freakin irreverent.

now if youll excuse me....... ICE? ICE!

Considering how much I dislike a hair trigger, because it IS the rule not the exception, that is still.....

Lolol OMG!

Thats why the law of getting laid land clearly states.....'Gentlemen, foreplay is your friend. Get HER off at least 3 times before you even consider taking your own pants off and she will stay your friend too.'

Sometimes I make a move, sorry to leave my home, but hope I will find another of equal character.
At night I gaze at the starry mass with no idea to which one the earth attached.
May'be that cute little one over there or that one that sits alone in the inky black
.
~~ 'My place amongst the stars' c/o former member SPB ~~


KainWilkus replies on 10/25/2014 8:11 pm:
Ice was needed.

cuzisaid 53F  
14988 posts
10/25/2014 8:27 pm

Ummmmmm Today? As in like...now?! why?

I thought it was part of the June entry and you were uhhhhh working on numbing sensation. Sorry.

Damn it. It was still funny though. Maybe not in reality but in presentation and delivery........

Sometimes I make a move, sorry to leave my home, but hope I will find another of equal character.
At night I gaze at the starry mass with no idea to which one the earth attached.
May'be that cute little one over there or that one that sits alone in the inky black
.
~~ 'My place amongst the stars' c/o former member SPB ~~


cuzisaid 53F  
14988 posts
10/27/2014 7:18 pm

I dunno where you dug that song up from, hon, but that Shut up & dance is freakin awesome.

Surreal? *nods* Very good word. No nightmares though. No, no, no, no I was already worried about you sleeping as is.

Sometimes I make a move, sorry to leave my home, but hope I will find another of equal character.
At night I gaze at the starry mass with no idea to which one the earth attached.
May'be that cute little one over there or that one that sits alone in the inky black
.
~~ 'My place amongst the stars' c/o former member SPB ~~


KainWilkus replies on 10/27/2014 7:42 pm:
I heard it on the DJ's playlist as I was typing that first part. And the nightmares were before the surreal.

cuzisaid 53F  
14988 posts
10/27/2014 7:47 pm

You dont happen to come with a GPS app do you cuz Im lost?

Id even take one that doesnt give directions in talk like a pirate voice

Sometimes I make a move, sorry to leave my home, but hope I will find another of equal character.
At night I gaze at the starry mass with no idea to which one the earth attached.
May'be that cute little one over there or that one that sits alone in the inky black
.
~~ 'My place amongst the stars' c/o former member SPB ~~


KainWilkus replies on 10/27/2014 7:59 pm:
I was at an event and the song came on when I started typing that first bit; that's the surreal part. And the nightmares were before the event; mainly fear of being late. So here I am worried about missing something that's gonna freak me out. Who thinks like that? People probably late to their own funeral.

cuzisaid 53F  
14988 posts
10/27/2014 8:12 pm

Ah okay. Thank you!

Did you type it like a pirate

Sorry, I couldnt help myself.

Sometimes I make a move, sorry to leave my home, but hope I will find another of equal character.
At night I gaze at the starry mass with no idea to which one the earth attached.
May'be that cute little one over there or that one that sits alone in the inky black
.
~~ 'My place amongst the stars' c/o former member SPB ~~


KainWilkus replies on 10/27/2014 8:16 pm:
I should have said "People taking a dive off the plank." Arrgh

cuzisaid 53F  
14988 posts
10/27/2014 8:30 pm

Yep. It makes everything better.

Granted this is coming from a girl who spent 3 hrs on the natl geographic site yesterday looking for her daughter so...... take the pirate thing w/ a grain of salt. Grab the smiles when and how you can get em.

I am not opposed to being late for my own funeral. Being too late for anyone else.......sigh yeah.

Sometimes I make a move, sorry to leave my home, but hope I will find another of equal character.
At night I gaze at the starry mass with no idea to which one the earth attached.
May'be that cute little one over there or that one that sits alone in the inky black
.
~~ 'My place amongst the stars' c/o former member SPB ~~


KainWilkus replies on 10/28/2014 8:57 am:
I agree. It's the little things that make life bearable. Is everything OK with you?

cuzisaid 53F  
14988 posts
10/28/2014 6:44 pm

Always ....... see --->

Eh, gonna be a rough next few weeks. Not a damned thing I can do about it, so it will ebb and flow as time rolls on doing what it does the best.

Sometimes I make a move, sorry to leave my home, but hope I will find another of equal character.
At night I gaze at the starry mass with no idea to which one the earth attached.
May'be that cute little one over there or that one that sits alone in the inky black
.
~~ 'My place amongst the stars' c/o former member SPB ~~


KainWilkus replies on 10/28/2014 8:01 pm:
Sound advice.

cuzisaid 53F  
14988 posts
10/28/2014 10:36 pm

Comment Edit:

*cringes* Ouch. Correction: WAAAAAAY ouch!

Why??? Because it's important and because it's good and because it's needed and because it matters.

<--- grateful

Exemplary. Ya dont even know. Well maybe

Lol Imma marry the playlist in your head as it fits the reason and season perfectly. Even if it does make me think of 10th grade history class.

Sometimes I make a move, sorry to leave my home, but hope I will find another of equal character.
At night I gaze at the starry mass with no idea to which one the earth attached.
May'be that cute little one over there or that one that sits alone in the inky black
.
~~ 'My place amongst the stars' c/o former member SPB ~~


cuzisaid 53F  
14988 posts
10/30/2014 4:25 pm

All the
small things
true care
truth brings

Lemme know what ya find out about the badgers. Some guy told me once that Id fuck a badger if I thought it would get me off. I thought it was pretty damned funny at the time, but Im starting to think it may have been intended as an insult. A person who wants you to cut his balls off doesnt have much of an appreciation for anyone elses sex drive I suppose.

The sttuff you've been writing hasnt been mostly about the love you have. Its about not having the love you ...want? Think you deserve? Are getting? Want to be getting?

Every animal species is born with only two variations. Male and female. The pieces fit together perfectly and we're exactly much made for each other. Then we make rules of YES BUT......only if you have...or look......or are.....Why is it only humans can fuck up fucking?

Oh And sleeping! No other species deliberately deprives themselves of sleep. You ever seen a robin stay up to watch the sunset on HBO? Or a skunk get up an hour early to work out? Or a dog holding a grudge because you were an hour later than yesterday in feeding him?

Oh and more stupid human tricks........ The list goes on n on

Zombie feelings?

I went to my first FB funeral a few years ago. Zombie guides in the coffin. He ok'd his mom double tapping him if necessary before his death. Just a kid he was and I dont wanna think about THAT.

Zombie feelings? I hate the thought Love the phrase.

We arent supposed to bury things alive to begin with are we? Kind of makes sense they'll raise their living breathing heads and roar after being under that kind of weighty pressure.

Sometimes I make a move, sorry to leave my home, but hope I will find another of equal character.
At night I gaze at the starry mass with no idea to which one the earth attached.
May'be that cute little one over there or that one that sits alone in the inky black
.
~~ 'My place amongst the stars' c/o former member SPB ~~


KainWilkus replies on 10/30/2014 6:35 pm:
Your words are amazing. No idea what a FB funeral is; have a guess but could be wrong. As far as the writing, I have no idea why I've been writing the way I have. Humans fuck up fucking because it's central and essential to our lives yet makes us cry, and......I got a ton of notes on the subject but no one simple answer. It would seem because we can have sex whenever we want and with all it entails in our culture we've turned it into something it's not.

cuzisaid 53F  
14988 posts
10/30/2014 9:18 pm

Face Book. Not held there just announced. I still havent recovered from the sheer......numb horror of it. Im sure even now its just a defense that makes it stick.

Sex is good if you fit and suit your partner. Why wouldnt we want it? Selfishness, ego, pleasure, physical touch, release. Joy of the skin and bones.

People fuck up fucking cuz we dont know how to be content. *shrugs* Sex has only made me cry.......twice maybe. Once for sure. Good 'OMG wtf was that shit?!' cry.

Crying cuz we are sad or hurt or want the something or someone we cant have or just lol want more seor any damn thing) aint the same thing. Still sucks though.

Blink 182 get credit for the first 4 lines Yer killin me. Balance. Not the words alice, its mmmmeeeeeeeeeee youuuuuu.... well. Good balance. Sigh work for it.

Ya know......one of the days we are gonna get together for coffee at some all night dennys or something and 6 months'll pass before we realize that its time to maybe take a breath and maybe get some sleep cuz we have so much to talk about later at lunch. Maybe.

*pouts* work for it *sigh*

Sometimes I make a move, sorry to leave my home, but hope I will find another of equal character.
At night I gaze at the starry mass with no idea to which one the earth attached.
May'be that cute little one over there or that one that sits alone in the inky black
.
~~ 'My place amongst the stars' c/o former member SPB ~~


KainWilkus replies on 10/31/2014 4:19 am:
I knew it was Blink 182.....first cd I ever bought.

cuzisaid 53F  
14988 posts
10/31/2014 7:39 am

I figured ya did, but I forgot to credit properly and didnt want to seem as though I took credit for anyone elses words.

Huh. Now I wanna know what my first CD was. It was 1996, I know that, but which cd got me to finally break down and buy a cd player....? I know my first album from 20 years earlier. How can that make sense?!

Sex notes n musical notes. Thats some combo. Sine of our time.

Sometimes I make a move, sorry to leave my home, but hope I will find another of equal character.
At night I gaze at the starry mass with no idea to which one the earth attached.
May'be that cute little one over there or that one that sits alone in the inky black
.
~~ 'My place amongst the stars' c/o former member SPB ~~


KainWilkus replies on 10/31/2014 8:48 am:
"Sex notes n musical notes. Thats some combo. Sine of our time." That's brilliant. Yea....I don't have any friends so I throw my mind into sex and music. Seems to work.

cuzisaid 53F  
14988 posts
10/31/2014 11:57 am

Thank you. Truth is its own brilliant glow, as is understanding. You helped.

I have to disagree with the friend comment. Not just on general principle either.

Simple pleasures do work. Well. Often together to make something even bigger n better. How hearts all beat the same yet we each have our own individual sine wave of spiritual passionate energy. An internal rhythm that carries through out into our tastes in music love sex and movements has been a fascination for me for a long long time.

How someone taps their fingers n toes, how they hum, do their musical tastes and rhythm harmonize with mine as a rule, are as good a predictor of compatability as Ive ever found. Try selling THAT to the NY Times. *sigh*

Dont wish for a mind meld ever. Ive spent 44 years being able to feel other people and it can be as joyful as it is crushing, but the responsibility and duty of care is heavy. To add ever shifting thoughts without constant touch to alert to changes we'd have no chance of hope, ever, based on just one brief glimpse of current data processing. What if you chose the moment of a large data dump? Everything you saw as predominant would have in fact been irrelevent and no longer even in existence.

If you could be anywhere today, where woyld you be?

Sometimes I make a move, sorry to leave my home, but hope I will find another of equal character.
At night I gaze at the starry mass with no idea to which one the earth attached.
May'be that cute little one over there or that one that sits alone in the inky black
.
~~ 'My place amongst the stars' c/o former member SPB ~~


KainWilkus replies on 10/31/2014 4:27 pm:
I wish I could quote that whole thing. So you're saying that if we saw things through other people's eyes or what they're thinking we would cease to exist as individuals? A perspective not our own makes ours irrelevant?

cuzisaid 53F  
14988 posts
10/31/2014 6:18 pm

Quote it why or where?

Hmmmmm nah, that wasnt what I was getting at, so maybe I explained it badly. We are all relevant and not just because no one else can ever have our exact knowledge even if we share it with them.

Have you ever heard the expression I can explain it to you,
but I cant understand it for you?

Knowledge and understanding are such different things. You and I seem to communicate and understand each other well. We ask the right questions to clarify ( or at least we are getting there cuz we are learning each others style of though and speech) so it works for us. I can not expect anyone else on to be like that. Just like you cant take your understandings of me and my thoughts and words and feelings and relay them to another who isnt you or I. They dont have OUR mutual understanding.

Wanna do a little experiment with me?

Sometimes I make a move, sorry to leave my home, but hope I will find another of equal character.
At night I gaze at the starry mass with no idea to which one the earth attached.
May'be that cute little one over there or that one that sits alone in the inky black
.
~~ 'My place amongst the stars' c/o former member SPB ~~


KainWilkus replies on 10/31/2014 6:34 pm:
As far as quoting, I'm amazed by your writing so I like quoting it.

I completely agree about knowledge and understanding being different. Never heard that expression though. But I get what you're saying. We each experience life differently and each perspective is unique to the individual. But I'm a bit still lost. I try to make sense of it but it falls apart.

I'm open to the experiment provided I get to keep my pants on and don't have to fill out a survey.

cuzisaid 53F  
14988 posts
10/31/2014 7:05 pm

lolol Well thanks. Again! For saying that about the way I express myself. Remember what I said about the conveying though, mr shady.

Since Im here and you are wherever you are, lol I have absolutely no control over any random third party surveys or desire to send you a survey of my own and since I do not touch the pants or their men that belong to someone else, your pants positioning and survey potential is all on you.

Ok enough of your silliness. Its bad enough you're pinning me to doing this ala blog.

Experiment. Yes.

I just imagined the color green. Because I said that, you should have immediately thought and seen, in your minds eye. GREEN.

WHAT exactly did you see? Describe it to me.

Sometimes I make a move, sorry to leave my home, but hope I will find another of equal character.
At night I gaze at the starry mass with no idea to which one the earth attached.
May'be that cute little one over there or that one that sits alone in the inky black
.
~~ 'My place amongst the stars' c/o former member SPB ~~


KainWilkus replies on 11/1/2014 7:56 am:
A memory of my childhood. Nothing special. Outside my home taking in all the world. The heat of the sun, the birds singing, and a sense of fear.

cuzisaid 53F  
14988 posts
11/1/2014 3:29 pm

Which is nothing at all what I pictured. How would your thoughts process my thoughts and feeling of that one momentary thought of green when your understanding and knowledge of it is so different.

Yesterday it was kelly green like early summer grass. The next time I think about green it could be that murky ocean color because I was thinking about vacation on the gulf as a kid.

When, what and why I am thinking something changes many, many times in each blink of my eye. Having access to only a moment in another head without context or at a bad time would give you an even more false picture than your own imagination could ever dream up.

Sometimes I make a move, sorry to leave my home, but hope I will find another of equal character.
At night I gaze at the starry mass with no idea to which one the earth attached.
May'be that cute little one over there or that one that sits alone in the inky black
.
~~ 'My place amongst the stars' c/o former member SPB ~~


KainWilkus replies on 11/1/2014 5:54 pm:
So you're saying that to experience the thoughts of others without context presents a false image?

cuzisaid 53F  
14988 posts
11/1/2014 6:59 pm

That is part of it

AND

how can YOU(any you, not just YOU you) use your processing systems to process data of a different material make up.

Sometimes I make a move, sorry to leave my home, but hope I will find another of equal character.
At night I gaze at the starry mass with no idea to which one the earth attached.
May'be that cute little one over there or that one that sits alone in the inky black
.
~~ 'My place amongst the stars' c/o former member SPB ~~


KainWilkus replies on 11/1/2014 11:38 pm:
The lights are coming on.

cuzisaid 53F  
14988 posts
11/2/2014 6:36 am

You are light. Its why you can still see so clearly, even in the dark.

Acceptable, acknowleged, admitted or not, it still IS what it is.

Sometimes I make a move, sorry to leave my home, but hope I will find another of equal character.
At night I gaze at the starry mass with no idea to which one the earth attached.
May'be that cute little one over there or that one that sits alone in the inky black
.
~~ 'My place amongst the stars' c/o former member SPB ~~


cuzisaid 53F  
14988 posts
11/5/2014 8:15 pm

I dont really know what you are talking about, but........Ah Not for too long I hope cuz Id miss you. Again. You're my alt crack. Selfish, I know, but true.

Besides I need to bitch slap you and you need to kick my ass. I need a good one every 15 years or so and Im overdue. I wish I had had that album yesterday. It probably would have helped. Good stuff.

My comments look so certifiable sometimes when you change stuff around or add on. *shrugs*

Sometimes I make a move, sorry to leave my home, but hope I will find another of equal character.
At night I gaze at the starry mass with no idea to which one the earth attached.
May'be that cute little one over there or that one that sits alone in the inky black
.
~~ 'My place amongst the stars' c/o former member SPB ~~


KainWilkus replies on 11/9/2014 2:55 pm:
This Will Destroy You - I Believe In Your Victory
There's a massive amount of haze now where my thoughts use to be. I got so swept up in this trivial nonsense about some fling that I lost my way. Now begins the trek back.


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