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Vanilla versus BDSM relationships Most of the people that I've met in the scene are there because they want something different than the ordinary vanilla relationship. Something is missing. They know it and feel unsatisfied. Let's talk about romance. Most vanilla couples meet, fall in love, and in the emotional high that follows they arrange the rest of their lives around their emotions. When that initial "in love" high wears off, they may start to have problems. In a BDSM relationship, people are much more pragmatic. There may be some physical attraction, but it's not the defining criteria. When looking for a Dom, the sub is not necessarily looking for her one-and-only true love or a husband...she may already have found him. She will instead negotiate with the Dom for what she wants. She will list those activities that are off limits (known as hard limits) and those that she might try but wants to go slow (soft limits), and whatever else she wants. As in any negotiation, the idea is that while both parties might not get everything they want, by giving in on things that aren't essential, both parties get most of what they want. So unlike a vanilla relationship, a BDSM relationship is not governed by an emotional high. Regarding sex, let's define that. By vanilla sex, I mean penetration of the woman's vagina by the male penis. BDSM can be intensely erotic, and in many ways motivated by sexual feelings that have nothing to do with vanilla sex. As a , I learned at an early age that swatting a girl's bottom gave me an erection, while swatting a boys bottom did not. This was before I even knew what an erection was for. My point is that the Dom is not really competing with the submissive's boyfriend or husband. A submissive will often have their vanilla relationship based on love, companionship, and vanilla sex, and have a separate BDSM relationship with her Dom based on their negotiations. In this case the Dom is not really competing with the husband/boyfriend. The Dom isn't trying to talk the sub into getting married or having or leaving her vanilla partner. Some BDSM relationships involve vanilla sex, and some do not. Some women reserve their vagina for their vanilla partner, but are willing to share the rest of their body with their Dom. Some are not willing to do vanilla sex, but don't mind providing their Dom oral or anal penetration. Some want BDSM play and enjoy the associated orgasms (yes, you can orgasm from a caning), but have limits on how sexual they are willing to be. Other subs don't mind doubling as sex slaves and are willing to do anything for their Dom. It really is a negotiated relationship. Every Dom/sub relationship will be slightly different, based on their negotiations. Many subs are strong-willed, intelligent, and outgoing. That doesn't make them any less submissive. A BDSM relationship is just fundamentally different than a vanilla relationship. |
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