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public humiliation.....
2/6/2007 1:39 am Last Read: |
I was talking with a friend about a scene He engineered. It included public humiliation, which is something I admit to finding a bit distasteful. Things didnt quite go as planned and we had (and continue to have) quite a bit of discussion about it. Why is public humiliation so difficult? I think part of it boils down to a fear of being laughed at or mocked by others. Having experienced this frequently while growing up, I know how painful words or sniggers can be. I felt that part of what He was asking me to do would invite others to look at me and make those whispered comments to themselves. Is it vanity that makes it so difficult? I dont really think so. I know Im not a raving beauty, but I do try to look presentable when Im in public. Something from the movie The Birdcage made me think about these feelings again. When Nathan Lanes character was preparing to meet the prospective in-laws, he initially planned to do so as the sons uncle. He dressed in a very neat suit, doing his best to look the part he felt he had to play. When it became obvious he was failing in his efforts, his pain-filled remarks touched my heart. He talked about dressing like everyone else and trying to look like everyone else. No matter how hard he tried, he would never fit in. Maybe thats what public humiliation really boils down to for me. I try to fit in, fade into the background, and not be noticed in the crowd. Forcing me out of that role makes me very uncomfortable. I become obvious. Instead of being part of the chorus, I am now on center stage. There is no way to escape the eyes of all those strangers, no place to hide from the looks, and no privacy for my embarrassment. I managed to do as He required. It was extremely difficult and I know I was wooden and not as responsive as He wished. The fight or flight urge was so high, I wasnt able to focus on anything else. Everything I had in me was struggling to continue to follow His directions and not a) begin screaming at Him like a shrew, or b) running back to our place and breaking down into hysterical tears. While I did as He asked, my service that night was not freely given with an open heart. I feel as though I failed in the task He set for me. The up side of the experience? I know I can do better. I did manage to put my fears to the side enough to follow His instructions. He learned more about an area I struggle with. Best of all, it has led to some great discussion between us. Not every scene can go perfectly, but there can be a perfect ending to every scene. |
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 2/6/2007 2:54 am |
It's an area that is impossible for me still., public or private. For newcomers and not so newcomers. Arm yourself with knowledge
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2/6/2007 11:24 am |
Since your scene lead to some great discussions, I would rate your scene as a great scene!
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2/7/2007 5:06 am |
Was this the scene you and i discussed that first night at dinner? If so, i know how hard that was for you, yet you made it through quite well. Furthermore, i found your story that night quite telling - he saw your utter discomfort, bordering on breakdown, and he modified the task to take that into account. You made it through without any harm, and you and he pushed your limits just a little further. Either way, humiliation scenes can be very difficult mentally and emotionally. You know full well he will be doing such things again, and you will find the strength within yourself to do him - and yourself - proud.
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2/8/2007 1:27 am |
'Mama, it's an area I'm not completely comfortable with. I admit that. There have been some interesting responses and reactions that have come from it, though. I think it's because His form of humiliation is one that doesn't belittle me, per se. Hmmmm.... You've given me something else to think on!  Rusty, thank you! He would tell you I didn't disappoint Him, but I am still struggling with feeling as though I did. That's also been part of the discussions. Kat, yes it is. It has taken me a while to find a way to put it into words without feeling overly dramatic about it. (And without admitting that I'm sometimes just a much too sensitive dork! lol) I truly appreciate how you see His actions. It warms my heart to know that someone else understands! Jiffy, you've made some excellent points! (And welcome to my blog!) It IS the thoughts that made it so difficult. Those thoughts center around how others perceive me. A part of me realizes that I need to get over that, but I also know that ingrained habits can be difficult to change. Thank you for giving me more to think on!
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2/14/2007 9:43 am |
♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥♥ ♥ Happy Valentines Day ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥♥ ♥ from lady crave and prune ********************  **********************
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2/14/2007 10:41 am |
Jiffy, I am owned and EXTREMELY happy with that fact. Your comment has made me very uncomfortable and I would ask that you a) remember that I belong to someone else when you address me or b) refrain from commenting in my blog. Thank you for understanding.
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2/14/2007 11:39 am |
Pooh! Thank you SOOOOOO much! I hope you and yours are having a wonderful lover's day!
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4/14/2007 6:43 am |
Sweetie! I'm so happy to see you here again! (And I LOVE your pic!) No, I'm not an exhibitionist. I do kind of wish I was, but I tend to really struggle with shyness.... Maybe you've hit the nail on the head about public humiliation. I've always admired how wonderfully you accept it. Hmmm.... Something MORE for me to think about! Thank you, so much, for all your encouragement!
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