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asking for help....
9/23/2007 9:51 am Last Read: |
As is obvious from yesterdays posting, I have had a little bit of a melt down. It was good, in a way. Some very hard truths have been put in front of me and I have been smacked in the face with some hard realities. No, I have not yet been punished for my actions. I know the generalities of what will occur, but I also get to deal with the knowledge that it will not happen until I am healthier. Last night was the lecture. I had to hear and admit to things I have not wanted to face. This morning, I got another lecture. Surprisingly, that one was from my mom. If I didnt know better, I would have to say that she and Sir were in cahoots. She echoed so many of His words that it was eerie.... I have always been the one who was there for others. Asking for help is not something I have ever had to do. In fact, it is abhorrent to me to think I may have to ask someone for help. Like a naughty puppy, I have had my nose rubbed in the mess I have created. Its not a good feeling. Denial. This is the crux of my problem. I have been refusing to accept my situation. I have been continuing to insist on doing it all. I have not acknowledged the fact that I must slow down (or stop) in order to fix the problem with my back. I have put on the blinders and just forged ahead like nothing is wrong. Last night, He told me what my punishment will be for my behavior. I also learned what will happen if I continue down this path. I completely lost it and broke into uncontrollable sobs. What He has been saying to me for weeks finally sank in. I have to face the fact that, for now, I am disabled. I cant do it all. And I have to put my pride away and ask for help. Its an area of control I was trying to hold on to.... Im finally realizing that. Mom hit home with a very uncomfortable truth this morning. Without knowing anything about what REALLY was said last night, she made a comment that brought me to tears again. It was something so simple, but I just couldnt see it. She said that I have to trust Him to take care of me. *smacking head....* I have told Him, several times, that I trust Him. Yes, it was always when we were talking about a specific situation. But if I trust Him in those matters, why have I not realized that I also need to trust Him in something so basic as looking out for me? Right now, I feel like an idiot. Is it really so hard to ask for help? Why did I resist His suggestions and offers of help last night? More of His statements from last night are popping into my head right now.... You are mine. It is my responsibility to take care of you. The more I think about my actions and what drove me to them, the more embarrassed I am. Instead of being frustrated about living in a dirty home, I should have asked for help. *sigh* Why couldnt I see that a week ago instead of getting so worked up about it? This whole situation has been difficult in so many ways. The frustration had just built up to a level where I literally lost it. Fortunately, He understands what drove me to this point, and has made certain I understand that this behavior is not acceptable. It's been a good thing, even though I did such a bad thing. |
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9/23/2007 3:06 pm |
Isn't it interesting how control creeps into us in the oddest places? This situation, which is forcing you to truly relinquish control and truly trust him to be there for you is an interesting lesson i am sure many people have gone through on some level. i always try to take control of situations when i feel scared. You are very fortunate that he cares enough for you to take care of you. i am sure it will only strengthen your bond and reinforce the love you have for one another. Sometimes we have to sit very very still to grow.
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9/23/2007 3:21 pm |
You have the blessing to have someone to ask for help. Utilize it! Heal! Then, you can return to your routine. PS. I love you, dear friend. Please take care of yourself.    
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 9/23/2007 3:59 pm |
Aww hun... I understand... I know how hard it is to ask for help....been there done that. But one thing has helped me.... I had a dear friend that once told me... "You feel good when you can help someone.... well, sometimes I want to feel good too.....so let me help you." So think of asking for help as ALLOWING someone else to feel good for a change huh? For newcomers and not so newcomers. Arm yourself with knowledge
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9/24/2007 3:31 am |
Goodgirl, this has been SUCH a difficult lesson for me! I truly hope it sinks in and I don't have to learn it again.... And welcome to my blog!  Dreamer, thank you, so much, for all the warm wishes! I'm finally realizing that taking care of myself means letting go for now. It's such a simple thing.... Why couldn't I get it through my head before this? 'Mama, were you listening to His lecture? lol That was one of the things He said, and it's hitting home pretty hard right now. And if I can't ask Him for help, then why am I here? How do I think our relationship can grow?
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9/24/2007 10:40 pm |
Wistful, i can relate. i, too, have an extremely difficult time asking for help. i guess i took the lessons on independence a bit too literal when i was younger. i wish you speed and complete healing. Back and neck problems are something i know all too much about unfortunately. Amazing how many can take being able to sit at their desk for more than 1 - 2 hrs at a time and not have to walk before sitting again. i put in many years of 8 to 16 hrs stretches at my desk, i can't do it anymore. Maybe one day i will be able to get back to at least 4 hrs of sitting at a time, i hope so anyway. But for now, it's no more than 2 then walk then try sitting for 2 more then walk.................boring and tedious to say the least! ~jackie     
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9/25/2007 1:02 am |
One of the first thing I had to memorize and get into my head when I was in training lo these many years ago was the following: It is the (submissive / slave / property)'s first responsibility to protect and maintain the (dominant / owner)'s property at all times, up to and including protecting the (submissive / slave / property) from misuse, by intent or neglect, by the (dominant / owner). (now, some of this is my intervening years of modification and tinkering to get it just right, but you get the drift) It is hard hard HARD to take care of yourself when you are "other-focused" and bent on making sure everyone else is OK. Lessons learned like this, though tough as hell, stick around like poop on a wool blanket. You probably have a pretty damned good idea now of how to ask for help! As a person who is rather shit at asking for help....I hear you. And I hope that you, like me, are learning  Love ~Mollena  Mollena
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9/25/2007 3:22 am |
Uniquejam, I hear you! I truly hope you are feeling better yourself.... And thank you for your good wishes! They mean a lot to me! Mo, you have hit the nail on the head! My focus got out of whack and I couldn't see the forest for the trees on this one. I'm so glad to see you back! (AND you put my favorite pic of you up again! Yay!)
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9/26/2007 6:39 pm |
And another barrier has been broken through. Congratulations. Honestly, just this morning my King had to say to me, "Would you please just trust Me to take care of you. I always take care of you, don't I, My pet?" And He does. Sometimes we just need to be reminded of it.
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9/27/2007 4:10 am |
My mom said it so well..... She said that, even though I've taken care of myself for so many years, I need to learn to lean on someone else. It was one of the things she said that broke me down into tears. He has been so marvelous through all of this. I DO need to let go of the control I'm trying to hold onto....
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