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up and down....
11/20/2007 3:30 pm Last Read: |
It feels as though I'm doomed to come to His house in the rain.... At least I got to do my driving while it was still daylight today! I have been fortunate to spend so much time with Him since I got back from Chicago. Last night was the first night we slept apart. I'm getting spoiled by this.... A taste of our future and it's creating such a hunger in me. I want it NOW! *sigh* Yes, I'm such a glutton at times.... I've been kind of up and down on the emotional roller coaster again. The insecurity I was feeling about my job and life with Him has been settled. Now, though? Another step to be taken. While I'm looking forward to this new venture, I'm also nervous about it. I want it, and not only for Him. Yes, it's something that will make Him VERY happy.... Yet.... I have to keep asking myself why I have anxiety about doing this. There's really nothing I can put my finger on. Maybe it's just the fact that it's so new to me, so alien in my thought processes? Or is it that I fear becoming more dependent on Him? But I LIKE being more dependent on Him.... These thoughts that race around in circles in my mind hide in the background when He's around. That's good, but it's not good. I know He could put them to rest if only I could find the words to describe what I'm feeling.... See, that's something that really just pisses me off about myself. It's easier to write things down than to say them to Him at times. And even when I'd be comfortable talking to Him about something, I can't find the words to describe what I'm feeling. Or why I'm feeling that way. Or exactly what it is that I AM feeling. I'm scared. But I'm not. I'm nervous, but I'm not. The back and forth yo-yo makes me sound and feel like an idiot. I want to just sweep those feelings off to the side and tell them to go away. After all, the first step was taken today. Seeing the glint in His eye and that dimple while we were talking about it.... Well.... I got that GOOD fluttery feeling in the pit of my stomach! I feel like I'm taking one step forward and two steps back today. Where did that clarity of last week go? And why is it that these things always come to mind when I'm alone? I keep digging for reasons and come up empty. It's not doubt in Him. It's not a lack of trust in where we're going. Is it just the fact that my life is changing? I'm being pushed out of the rut(s) I've gotten in to in so many ways.... I do just wish that I could shut my brain off at times.... |
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11/20/2007 3:50 pm |
"I do just wish that I could shut my brain off at times.... " Me too *HUG* Half of writing history is hiding the truth. - Malcom Reynolds
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11/20/2007 5:07 pm |
even though my One is not on alt anymore..I link my blog through YIM so he can see things I just cant say to him...makes for an emotional sappy blog,lol, but it does the trick what is that tongue tiedness when in His presence? I don't know but I do feel it too...and when he's here, I'm calm and happy,so I forget the mixed up, unsure feelings...until he's gone...what a mess lol the albino starling of the flock Just inchworming my way through life
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11/20/2007 5:50 pm |
I have always found writing my thoughts so much easier than voicing them--maybe keep a private journal that only you and he can read?? "Only those who risk going too far can possibly find out how far one can go. " ~T.S.Eliot
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11/21/2007 11:36 am |
Lhi, if only they hadn't hidden the "off" switch....  Lynn, I'd love to know why that happens! By posting things in my blog, though, I'm forced to discuss these things with Him. It's kind of a security blanket, I guess.... Elusive, I've thought about that.... We did talk about this last night when He got home from work. By putting those thoughts out there, not only does it force a conversation, but I also get wonderful input and ideas from others.
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11/21/2007 8:57 pm |
I've recently taken to deluding myself for comfort....quite effective...LOL Sorry, not to make light, just trying to help. My favorite two.. There is always tomorrow... and It will be better than today.... We too use the blog to help me get my thoughts out there to Her when I just can't get em together for Her in the moment. One of many reasons we are here. Pet 
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11/21/2007 9:12 pm |
You'll be fine, dear friend.   
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11/23/2007 1:06 pm |
Pet, delusion works for me!  And I love your new profile pic!Dreamer, it's all getting better day by day....
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 11/28/2007 5:13 pm |
I wish I could shut your brain off too  KIDDING I keeeed, I keeeeed" I said in my best impression of Triumph the insult comic dog. It sounds as though you are about to take a step towards letting yourself be open to being taken care of. Exhilaration can be scary, but it can also be cleansing. ANd it can be so much more than you can even imagine. Love Mo  Mollena
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12/1/2007 8:55 am |
dearest wistful, oh how i know so much of what you are talking about (have our brains met before? *S*). dear girl, this trepidation exists for a reason. Whatever it is that frightens you or creates anxiety is there for a reason. Its likely something you don't want to ADMIT to yourself for fear it will somehow taint or ruin all the good you are facing right now. It is natural to feel uncomfortable and even potentially conflicted. These are big steps. Plus, for me, just as you describe, it is most often easier to express myself through words where i can HIDE behind my words. Sometimes it feels like nothing will come out right if i attempt to speak it. i'm better with a more, um ... passive-agressive approach. *S* i'm petrified of confrontation. So ............. first off, Masters often read you before you can read yourself. After a good sound beating, i find my defenses are down and its easier to expose myself (just as sex is a great ice-breaker *S*). And too, you can always ask permission to "speak freely" and this may make you comfortable, knowing that your Master is permitting you to show even the parts of yourself you deem ugly -- the things you are afraid to admit. Yes -- along with that wonderful WAVE -- that jittery feeling you describe, come the pangs of "oh my God what am i getting into?!!!!!!!!!!" -- when you have lived a life of having had to build your own armor, fight your own battles, giving it up (no matter how grand the exchange) is still enormous. Trust your instinct, follow your heart -- discount NONE of your feelings. Kisses! s2bh.
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12/1/2007 8:59 am |
Okay -- and sorry but i'm a stickler for spelling ONLY in that i'll be thinking of it all day if i don't correct myself -- i meant to write "aggressive" w/ two g.s. (As if anyone cares! *S*) Its that sick always-on brain thing again. i think its called compulsive? *S* --s2bh.
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12/2/2007 4:50 am |
Beautiful Mo, you got the right of it! It's continued to be a roller coaster ride for the past week.... More events, more emotions, yet more clarity of who we are together.... I feel like I'm in overload at times! Sweetest swbh, thank you for such wonderful words! I think He sometimes finds my tongue-tied babblings amusing, you know? Yet He also gives me the time and space I need to be able to communicate these feelings to Him. I think you and Mo have both really hit on something I hadn't been considering. I have had to fend for myself for so long that it's really hard to think of Him taking care of me. Thank you both for giving me something else to add to the equation!
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