BDSM & Alternative Lifestyle Personals
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revelations....
12/2/2007 6:26 am Last Read: |
Well, I received my punishment from this posting (being disobedient....) last Saturday. Yes, it was a while in coming. He was waiting until He knew my back could take it and that I was going to be home for a bit. Im not certain what was worse about waiting. Was it knowing that the punishment was coming and not knowing when or knowing what the punishment was going to be? He had spoken with His Domme friend when this all happened. She had given Him a suggestion on what might be appropriate. It was, quite honestly, horribly diabolical. When He told me what it was, I literally broke down and just bawled. Seeing my remorse, He relented a bit and told me what He had decided on. It was something I knew would still be very difficult, but it wasnt as horrible as her offering. (Please know I respect you, Maam. But that was HORRIFIC!) My punishment was to remove my pants and receive a spanking from her. Now, I had seen her in a scene with her submissive. There was no doubt in my mind that she could offer up some serious pain and Ive never really thought of myself as being one who could take much. Add in my issues with disrobing in front of others and you can see why the thought of this had me in a bit of a tizzy. He recognized this and spent a couple of weeks talking to me about what was going to happen. It was probably a good thing He did, because Im not certain I could have gone through with it otherwise. The most difficult part of the punishment was when He told me to take off my jeans. I knew I had to or I would disappoint Him. His eyes offered encouragement while I slowly followed instructions. As I was blindfolded and positioned on the spanking bench, a sense of calm acceptance began to flow into me. It was amazing to feel this disconnectedness from everything..... I was there, but not. It was me, but not me. I hit a spot in subspace Ive never really felt before.... She began the spanking and I honestly couldnt tell you how long it lasted or what was used. There were a couple of times when I almost used my safe word, but I was (and still am) surprised at what I took. Through it all, I felt Him near me or His hands on me. There was such loving support from Him. I wonder if thats why I could take so much? When the punishment was done, and the blindfold came off, He quickly wrapped me up in a warm hug. My eyes welled up and tears began to flow. It wasnt that I hurt and Im still not certain where they came from. Was it remorse for my actions and knowing that Id been fully punished for them? Or was it a release for so many of the tensions that are in my life? Was it sub-drop? Will I always have this reaction or was it just a one time event? Ive been trying to sort things out for the past week and am a bit stumped. Theres a part of me that wants to do it again to see if I react the same way. Im also curious to see if I can take as much (or more) than I took that night. Am I less wimpish than Ive always thought? Or was I only taking so much because I felt a need to punish myself? Ive felt really good and closely connected to Him this past week. Even the stresses of returning to work after a long absence havent reduced that feeling. That could also be from having so much time with Him, but Im just wallowing in the sensations.... I dont really care where they came from or why. What matters most is that I can glory in belonging to Him and in making Him happy.... |
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12/2/2007 7:09 am |
I love that release of tears...its not often when a scene can bring me to tears, treasure it "Only those who risk going too far can possibly find out how far one can go. " ~T.S.Eliot
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12/3/2007 1:13 am |
Elusive, I'll take your suggestion to heart. I've been wondering why the tears came, but also admit that it was such a cleansing feeling....
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12/3/2007 3:56 pm |
I just want to add how proud I am of you and how you have grown with His care and love.. Nan
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12/4/2007 12:47 pm |
Nan, you have brought tears to my eyes.... Thank you for such a beautiful compliment!
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12/11/2007 5:51 am |
On Saturday night (well, actually 4 a.m. Sunday morning), as we finally laid to rest our bodies after the party, He curled up next to me in bed. i could feel the tears coming, so i said to Him, "Nothing is wrong. i just need to cry." And so i sobbed deeply for a couple minutes, blew my nose, wiped my eyes, and then fell into a deep sleep. It's common, it's natural, and i find it totally cathartic.
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12/11/2007 2:09 pm |
Thank you for sharing this, sweet kat! I had thought I was having a really odd reaction for a while.... And I have to get to your blog to read about the party!
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 12/27/2007 4:14 am |
Gosh, I cry all of the time...I don't even think of it in terms of being strange. Hell, Finding Nemo makes me weep like a Red Sox fan! It is interesting ot read about people using physical pain as punishment. That is Not in my purview, because it is my belief that you can attach a negative connotation to pain or certain implements and therefore alter their significance and impact in scene play. Beating a masochist for punishment is either going to ruin them for you or break them...or wear you out! Well, that is my belief anyway. It sound as though you and your dominant have an excellent level of trust, which is awesome. But really....ya gotta cough up what the other suggested punishment was! Or at least e-mail me. Because otherwise my speculations will curl my already nappy from even more nappier! love, love love, Mo  Mollena
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1/4/2008 4:00 am |
Mo, it really wasn't the spanking that was His punishment. Rather, it was having to drop my pants for her and submit to the spanking. That was the hardest part and He knew how difficult it would be for me. He pushed me out of my comfort zone, you know? I'll send you an e-mail on the devious idea the two of them came up with! Thank goodness He decided I didn't require THAT! (Of course, He's also told me that it is a possibility if I make the same mistake again....)
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