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ryanmeg 57F
327 posts
8/26/2016 5:37 am
Funeral song in place...


Ok so as most of you know by now...I have been diagnosed with PTSD and am one of the lucky ones who has a framed letter from the British Army admitting total blame which is a rare thing indeed...I am doing okay..better than most...but knowing the *nature of this beast* it still worries me that one say it will overcome me...come for me with vengeance and even this Warrior Princess won't stand a chance...So admin needed to be put in place..just in case..and an attorney now has my official funeral needs and wants under lock and key in his filing cabinet...THIS was always going to be the song i wanted played at my funeral...the words are uncannily ME...the original was sung by Charles Aznavour...but i adore the version by Elvis Costello...which he sings on the sountrack to the movie Notting Hill starring Julia Roberts and Hugh Grant....So here are the lyrics...

She....
May be the face I can't forget
A trace of pleasure or regret
May be my treasure or the price i have to pay
She may be the song that summer sings
May be the chill that autumn brings
May be a hundred different things
Within the measure of a day.

She....
May be the beauty or the beast
May be the famine or the feast
May turn each day into a heaven or a hell
She may be the mirror of my dreams
A smile reflected in a stream
She may not be what she may seem
Inside her shell.

She...
Who seems so happy in a crowd
Whose eyes can be so private and so proud
No one's allowed to see them.. when they cry
She may be the love that cannot hope to last
May come to me from shadows in the past
That I'll remember til the day i die.

She...
May be the reason I survive
The why and wherefore I'm alive
The one I'll care for through the rough and ready years
Me, I'll take her laughter and her tears
And make them ALL my souvenirs
For where she goes I've got to be
The meaning of my life is..........
SHE.

***************************************************************



Raven_GB 63M
854 posts
8/26/2016 9:55 am

Let's hope that by the time you need it, the format its recorded on has long since been obsolete. I very much hope that the Army will be giving you all the support you need and deserve or that the NHS will rise to its usual standard in case of need. Remember, you are not alone.


ryanmeg replies on 8/26/2016 3:17 pm:
What a beautiful thing to say...Thankyou...I have only been on the waiting list for ptsd therapy for 15 months which actually isn't too bad The therapists are all bogged down with patients..I am happy to wait as long as i know the younger ones are the priority with more of a life ahead of them than me...In the meantime i am doing my best to get some legislations changed...ONE being the way..while i wait my turn..i get sent some form of automated form from the therapists office asking...would you believe...on a scale of 1-10...1 being good and 10 being bad...how suicidal are you right now....if it's 10..please call an ambulance You couldn't MAKE THIS shit UP lol...So i am campaigning to get that changed to that song *If you're happy and you know it clap your hands * PMSL It's way too bleak...It's depressing..i'm always quite cheery til the form arrives lol...I had 2 guys here at my house last week..one was an MP from Westminster and one in a high position in the Ministry of Defence...i had insisted on this meeting to discuss what i wanted to achieve...I was in my PJ's..bead hair...panda eyes from mascara..after giving them a note pad and pen each...i started telling them to jot down what i wanted to achieve...and trying very hard to NOT see them as my little gimps ...one said *Heidi-Lou you DO realise we take orders from the Prime Minister don't you ? * (lmfao)..to which i stated without a second to spare...*Oh yes i DO know that...and I am guessing that the Prime Minister had sent you to be MY minions FIRST so you would be of MORE use to HIM*...BOOM...BACK OF THE NET !!! I intend on making my waiting time COUNT..There are young Soldiers who lost limbs in Iraq and Afghan who are being deemed as *Fit for work* by the DWP and given NO benefits from the government..I will not REST until that disgraceful scenario NEVER happens..They shouldn't have to fight for any financial help or prove their ability to work..They have already fought enough for their Queen and Country...SO i have a LOT of work to do so these young brave unsung heroes are treated with the respect and admiration they SO deserve

tinkerfun 46F
11150 posts
8/26/2016 10:29 am

I love that song

You better not have it played for suggested purposes for a very long time young lady. I recently wrote my will but haven't got as far as planning my funeral (apart from knowing that I want to be cremated as I don't want warms to eat me) but I may well steel your song idea x


ryanmeg replies on 8/26/2016 3:31 pm:
OMG tinker You can't STEAL my funeral song I have only had one female friend since i left the Army..my horrible violent ex husband wouldn't allow it..So since i divorced his sorry arse...i found it really difficult to allow anyone into my world..but then i met her..She made me laugh like a lunatic and did everything she could to repair the damage his cruelty had caused..my hero..I felt like the luckiest girl in the world that the universe made sure our paths crossed..but another cruel blow last year..She told me she had a pain her tummy so i made sure she went to see her GP just to be on the safe side..at that appointment an ambulance whisked her off to hospital..GP saw all the tell tale signs of Bowel cancer..they operated THAT same evening and the op went horribly wrong..liver and kidney failure...2 days later she was GONE...at her cremation..i almost didn't even go into the chapel..i felt like my world had ended but her son and daughter insisted i sit with them...and just as the curtain started closing around her coffin...i walked over to place my army dogtags wrapped around a rose on it and kissed them before i laid it on her coffin and said my final goodbye...and all of a sudden a song started blasting out from 4 different speakers in each corner of the room...Firestarter by the Prodigy I was the only one on my feet at the coffin..so had to turn around with a face very much like THIS one ...and saw a room full of people both laughing and sobbing at the very same time....BLOODY MINX She made us all laugh even when she was gone...LOVE YOU Andrea...you promised to keep me a seat warm RIGHT next to you...I miss you SO much..But you know that..I tell you everyday xxx

ryanmeg 57F
540 posts
8/26/2016 3:33 pm

If there is a god...i think you really should give me a fuckin BREAK now...i have had MORE than my fair share ffs lol


ryanmeg 57F
540 posts
8/26/2016 4:08 pm

R.I.P My beautiful special girl Andrea who passed away July 20th 2015 aged 51


tinkerfun 46F
11150 posts
8/27/2016 6:19 am

I actually do believe that you will meet her again. But what would Andrea want? She would want you to continue living. Live your life for her too. Experience life with its ups and downs, have fun and dance with life. One day you two will then have a lot more to talk about. There's no rush. She will be waiting and cheering for you.

In the recent times there were in particular two occasions when I felt close to my dear friend who passed in February and my beloved granddad. I could sense them. I was not scared but I also knew they wouldn't want me to join them quite yet. Part of me wanted to feel the wind on my face, I had a real desire to be in nature and get to the beach but I was too poorly, and just go with it. But I knew I had far too many memories to make still.


ryanmeg 57F
540 posts
8/27/2016 6:45 am

Yes tinkerfun...i wholeheartedly agree,,,i do still feel her around me....when she first passed i couldn't bare to take her off my Facebook frends list,,,we chatted on there every night...making plans for the following day etc....then something strange started happening...every time i would be lying on the sofa with my laptop next to me on a side table...i would become overwhelmed by her loss...the tears were uncontrollable...but then OMG...next to her name in the friendlist her little dot which tells people if you are online or not,,,would turn green as *online*....this happened a few times...but only at the times i was distressed and inconsolable..so i asked her 2 children if they were using her profile...on there to update the various charity events they were organising to raise money for cancer research...and they BOTH said that they had no idea what her password was so hadnt once accessed her facebook since she passed away...and as soon as i would become calm and collected and told myself out loud *Cummon Heidi-Lou...Get a GRIP woman*....her online green dot went black (offline) again...after ruling out ALL other possibilities...i truly believe she was giving me a sign to STOP feeling the sadness that consumed me...and to just *get on with life*



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