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Diary of a changeling

Ashley's exploits will hopefully appear here (as in, hopefully Ashley will have some interesting exploits to blog about!)

The power of suggestion
Posted:Mar 24, 2018 11:22 am
Last Updated:Jan 31, 2020 2:12 pm
6268 Views
I've never really been one for porn, or at least not in the conventional sense. Sure, there are a handful of offbeat or very specific things I've seen which have stuck with me, simply because they have inspired ideas that I hadn't considered before. But in general, I find porn a bit, well, obvious (to watch at least - to appear in is a completely different topic!).

It's the same with static imagery as well, I think. I would rather see, photograph and wear things that leave something to the imagination, because I think the power of suggestion creates a far more potent effect both in terms of firing the creative synapses and inspiring desire. It's also why I find well-phrased discourse or well-written erotic prose so much more compelling than visual (moving image) porn, because I think they allow for a far more immersive and provocative internal experience.

I have found myself in a few situations where I have unexpectedly been asked, before a scene, what sort of porn I want in the background. It seemed rude to say 'none', particularly as it was obvious that the other people I was with on each occasion rather liked the idea. In some ways I found it distracting, in others a little bit of an affront - almost like I was not enough to inspire them alone and they needed additional stimuli. Did it also mean that we were fundamentally incompatible because they found enjoyment in something that I find a bit base, or did it imply that they didn't have the depth of imagination that I usually look for in my partners?

Do you enjoy porn, or have you ever used it to set a scene or as a background noise/visual for a scene? What draws you more toward someone or something - a visual which is very overt, or something that draws more heavily on the power of suggestion?

No right or wrong answers, just really curious to see people's own perspectives and personal interpretations. Perhaps I'll be a convert yet
7 Comments
Awkward moments
Posted:Jan 26, 2018 7:58 pm
Last Updated:Jan 31, 2020 2:17 pm
8240 Views
I've had a real problem finding a moisturiser to replace my old fave, which I haven't been able to find for a while in the shops. My problem with most of them is that they leave my skin with a long-lasting sticky or greasy feeling - my old fave used just to sink right in and disappear. I miss it.

If you're wondering whether I've suffered a January braincrash and have posted this blog on the wrong site, bear with. My moisturiser struggles take me right back to an early subby experience, and a situation that I still ponder to this day.

I was a couple of dates in with a domme, and things were going well. We had ended up back at hers and she was demanding some strictly guided pampering. She sat herself down and kicked off her shoes, and I knelt before her. She told me to remove her stockings, then hold my hands out in front of me, which I duly did. She reached behind me to a low dresser and picked up a bottle of moisturiser, and then deposited a few squirts from the bottle into my palms. "Massage it into my feet," she said, simply.

Although it wasn't simple. I don't know whether she had some special Teflon coating or if it was just another of those non-absorbent moisturisers, but after a good five minutes of caressing, then gentle massage, then more vigorous rubbing there was still a surfeit of the damned stuff and it wasn't going anywhere. She huffed a little, and told me to work up her legs. I worked up her shins, then her calves, round her knees, then onto her lower thighs, and still there was an unimaginable amount of gloop left. She was getting increasingly agitated, and told me to rub it into my arms, then my legs, but still it wouldn't absorb.

At this point, i had dropped firmly out of any semblance of subspace. A brief moment of anxiety had given way to an inward smile, then an outward smile, then choked giggling and finally to my jerking shoulders as I tried my hardest not to laugh out loud. I think a tear of laughter may even have started a gentle roll down my cheek. She, however, was not laughing but - and here's the crux for me - not really maintaining any semblance of control over the situation either. She was just getting more and more frustrated, and more and more annoyed, although not at me directly.

Even now I wonder how we both could have handled it better. I couldn't help thinking that if she had laughed out loud with me at the ridiculousness of the situation, it would have been diffused and she would have maintained control, because I would have laughed with her but still felt submissive to her. Or she could have taken control of the situation in another way, by admitting it wasn't going well, calling time on the moisturising and snapping me out of my stifled laughter and back into subspace with some choice words or actions.

Of course, I could also have taken a lead of sorts and said that it wasn't working, but said it respectfully and as a sub; i could have tried to find a way to ease her out of her frustration and guide her back to her dommespace perhaps. Ultimately, though, it was an object lesson in how not to handle an awkward situation when something simple goes wrong. It basically nipped any fledgling relationship we might have had in the bud, because even after the fact we didn't really know how to handle it, silly as it seems - i think for me it made me question whether we could really click, whether i could be the natural submissive around her, if i didn't feel it in that moment in spite of her own lack of composure of control.

and perhaps it's also why I'm so particular about my moisturiser/body lotion these days!

How would you have handled this situation as a sub or a domme? How do we get past these awkward moments? Is it better to laugh it off together, and lose the sub/domme spell briefly, or should a dominant look to pull the situation back and take back control? What should a sub do in this situation?

It was very early in my subby journey that this happened, and I know that i would handle it very differently today. But i'm curious to hear how others would tackle it.

PS A random, hastily snapped bonus picture below from last week. It's the first selfie I've taken in months!
11 Comments
Top to bottom
Posted:Oct 9, 2017 9:53 am
Last Updated:Jan 31, 2020 2:29 pm
10858 Views
A recent post on the wonderful Princess Diaries blog about switching How Many People Would Switch brought up a rather intriguing tangential question for me. I have always considered myself a submissive in a D/s context, although I am far from that in everyday life. But talk of bottoms and submissives and tops and dominants makes me wonder where the line is drawn between the terms, or if there is some delicate semantic manoeuvring that means we all assume our own interpretation of which one applies to us.

On having a cursory glance around the web, I found this breakdown on a Wiki: ‘Many distinguish top/bottom from dominant/submissive by seeing top/bottom as an expression of physical power, while dominant/submissive is an expression of psychological power. In many cases, the dominant/submissive relationship involves the dominant party psychologically tearing down and denigrating the submissive (consensually, meeting the submissive's expressed needs and respecting hard limits). In contrast, the top/bottom relationship is more commonly marked by mutual respect and support.’

I don’t know how much of this I agree with. The distinction between the physical and psychological is interesting, but I have always considered both aspects to be central to the submissive/dominant relationship. And while I love the idea of forced submission, or consensual non-consent perhaps, in reality my submission is freely given - with the right person, of course. Perhaps at times I can be a feisty sub, and I am certainly not afraid to speak out as an equal when the situation calls for it. I can be muted and subdued, or compliant, or confident yet still submissive – such a blend of things depends entirely on the who and what and where, and a million other factors that change from person to person and even moment to moment. But I firmly believe that mutual respect and support is also critical in a sub/domme relationship, and I don’t think the psychological aspects are just about tearing down or denigrating the sub. And do the physical aspects 'as an expression of physical power' also not imply a strong psychological element?

But it does makes me wonder whether I am a bottom rather than a sub , or how other people define me, or where we draw the line between the two. Does labelling myself a submissive imply that I am generally submissive (in all aspects of life or relationships) or is it possible for a submissive to be selectively so, perhaps only when it comes to the bedroom – or does that make one a bottom? Or is it conditional on the nature of the wider relationship, or does being an alpha in vanilla dictate whether we are labelled sub or bottom in kink?

Of course, I don't particularly like labels at a fundamental level but sadly they are part and parcel of our world. It's possible I've fallen into Monday-afternoon-with-flu over-analysis of the nuances, but I'm intrigued as to how others distinguish between bottom and submissive (and top and dominant). Does it change your perception or expectations of someone if they label themselves one or the other?
6 Comments
Broken, or fixed?
Posted:Oct 7, 2017 9:37 am
Last Updated:Oct 10, 2017 12:44 pm
12319 Views
As a huge fan (and former student) of words, literature and poetry, I often find myself looking for the deeper meaning in things. With words, and in particular with poetry, the temptation is often to try to distil the essence of what the writer is trying to convey but, like with movies or the lyrics to the songs that affect us most, it is usually the projection of our own experiences and emotions that determine what something means or says to us. In that regard, the author gives over all control of his or her work - whatever the inspiration, it will always mean different things to different people.

I think the same goes for images especially, I find, when D/s is involved. Do we relate to an image through our own experiences or our own fantasy and desires, or both, or something else?

Below is a self portrait I took a few months back. I am not going to say anything about the events or circumstances that preceded it, because in some ways that is irrelevant - I am more interested in what other people think is happening in it, what led up to it, what I'm feeling in it. Such interpretations necessarily follow our own emotional response, experiences and projection, or even state of mind, so I'm curious to see how people interpret it! Does it vary according to dominant or submissive, male to female (or in between, of course)...

What do you think is happening, has happened and will happen? What am I feeling? Am I broken, or fixed? What does it make you want?

Who knows, perhaps I'll reveal what was actually happening at some point
7 Comments
Eyes and enigmatisms
Posted:May 28, 2017 8:53 am
Last Updated:Mar 26, 2018 11:49 am
10607 Views
Having received some messages asking why I always hide my face in my photos, usually followed by a request for me to send a face pic, I feel the urge to outline my position. It also rather happily coincides with a post on the wonderful Princess Diaries blog about fakes and proof Prove Me You Aren't Fake, and a lot of the sentiment echoed there strikes at the heart of my decision.

I choose to hide my face not because I am ashamed of my looks, nor because I am fake, nor because I have something to hide, nor because I am cheating on some significant other. I choose to hide my face because I am fiercely protective of my privacy and I value my safety. Moreover, while physical attraction is a part of the chemistry it should not override getting to know someone and establishing mutual compatibility regardless of looks - because if we don't get on at that fundamental level, you're not getting it on with me no matter what you or I look like. Of course, hiding my face also has the added benefit of lending an air of mystery but I don't hide away just to be 'enigmatic' as someone accused me recently!

I have also noticed that the number of people visiting my blog is far smaller than the number of people visiting my main profile, in spite of the fact there is a link from there to here in the body. I don't care about numbers of blog views one way or another, but what it suggests to me is that those people who are really interested in getting to know me better will at least drop by these pages to see if there is any additional insight into who I am. It's not my sole measure, of course, but it can sometimes hint at someone's motivations for contacting me.

So, for the happy few who do venture upon my admittedly rambling prose, I have decided to break my own rule and post a teaser, although not enough for you to recognise me walking down the street. And this, folks, is all you will get for the foreseeable. If you ask me for a face pic I will know you haven't been here. And if you can’t find your way to this image, then you don’t deserve a face pic anyway

Happy weekend y’all.

Ash xx

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3 Comments
On images and self-image
Posted:May 22, 2017 9:14 am
Last Updated:Oct 6, 2017 5:54 pm
10559 Views
I can, at times, be quiet and introspective, and I sometimes (but by no means always!) think hard about what I want to say before I say it. But I very rarely find myself completely lost for words, which is exactly what happened when this wonderful email from a dominant came in yesterday (I hope he won’t mind me posting the extract):

I appreciate you are a professional photographer, so your pictures should be well framed and shot, but it is what is captured and expressed that makes a shot and that can only come from the subject.

It is so evident how important your femininity is to who you are; it is also clear how natural it is to you.


Blown. Away.

One of my biggest struggles is the conflict between who I am and how I fear the wider world sees me, driven largely by the sometimes superficial nature of society in general and the expectations it places in particular on women. It’s not about a lack of self-worth, nor is it about craving attention or validation, because I am happy in myself and generally confident in everyday life. It think it really comes down to my desire to pass unnoticed without people looking twice and questioning my past.

I am often surprised at how I come out in photos, because it doesn’t always match what I think I see in the mirror. I have many flaws, although perhaps I am more critical of myself because I am too close to see what has changed over time. But equally I don’t consciously act in a given way or with given mannerisms, either in everyday life or in front of the camera (usually because I am too busy trying to get into position before the shutter clicks to think about such nuances!), which is why the email surprised me.

I receive a lot of wonderful comments from my profile pics, and all of them make my day - this post, in its own small way, is a massive thank you to all those who have taken the time to say something. A handful of them – often from women, I have noticed – pick up on more subtle elements and they truly make me glow. Perhaps it was the combination of the above comment itself and the fact it came from a male that I found so unexpected. Besides, the profile that accompanied it has really made me think hard about a number of things, but that’s a topic for another day! Life can take very unexpected turns sometimes…

I don’t really get to shoot portraits in my day-to-day job, although it is a passion particularly when it comes to capturing the female form, and especially with a D/s twist. I lean much more toward the ‘classy’ or artistic, preferring to let the imagination do the work through what it can’t see rather than just showing the obvious by revealing everything. Driven by a current lack of third party victims, sorry, subjects and also wanting to update my profile pics (the previous batch being two years old, and a lot has changed in that time) I have been playing with some new self-portraits which should gradually be appearing on my profile over the coming days.

Below is a test shot I grabbed as I was setting up my front room yesterday (read: moving furniture in a bizarre horizontal Tetris and trying to get my head around the shot set-up, which put me instantly into frustrated mode). I like the outcome, spontaneous though it was – and it unexpectedly revealed a slightly bratty side of me I didn’t realise I had! Dom/mes beware!

Ash xx

As an aside, I shoot friends for free and with all rights signed over, just for the pleasurable rush I get in seeing their reaction when we really nail a shot! Must be the subbie aiming-to-please instinct… So if that interests you, come and say hi

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1 comment
Idle moments and idle thoughts
Posted:May 20, 2017 1:29 pm
Last Updated:Jan 28, 2018 8:20 am
10402 Views
Life has an unfortunate habit of getting in the way sometimes, yes. Tonight I can't be where I wanted to be (sorry SB, next weekend ) because circumstances have colluded to keep me at home. It makes me wonder how we manage that balancing act between the life we would like to lead (think 24/7 and all the rest) and the life we have or need to lead. Or even, in fact, if the ideal is just another fantasy that should remain as such.

I made a point when I started my D/s journey never to say never to anything, because my desire to experience both the pleasures and the extremes was driven more by curiosity, innate submissiveness and the thrill of the unknown than by fantasy. There is an element of fantasy in there, of course, but it is our experiences, our being led in unexpected directions and filtering what works for us in reality and what doesn't that fuels our imaginations and opens us up to scenes, ideas and sensations that we never could have grasped otherwise.

The problem then comes in distilling those new desires with finding the right people to fuel the fire. The urge to experiment just because someone random offers something that piques my interest fights constantly with my urge to hold back for the right person who I really want to explore the limits with. There is perhaps room for both, or at least for one while waiting patiently for the other (and sometimes that can be a VERY long wait), otherwise we might hardly experience anything, and that's a lot to miss out on. And on top of that, life just has an unfortunate habit of getting in the way sometimes, yes.

An idle afternoon and an idle evening alone, then. Time to kill, so I decided to shoot myself (photographically speaking) while feeling in a sudden, randomly Molly Bloom state of mind.

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"my God after that long kiss I near lost my breath yes he said I was a flower of the mountain yes so we are flowers all a womans body yes that was one true thing he said in his life and the sun shines for you today yes that was why I liked him because I saw he understood or felt what a woman is and I knew I could always get round him and I gave him all the pleasure I could leading him on till he asked me to say yes ... and I thought well as well him as another and then I asked him with my eyes to ask again yes and then he asked me would I yes to say yes my mountain flower and first I put my arms around him yes and drew him down to me so he could feel my breasts all perfume yes and his heart was going like mad and yes I said yes I will Yes." - James Joyce

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2 Comments
New photos May 2017 - pt 1
Posted:May 14, 2017 12:16 pm
Last Updated:Oct 6, 2017 5:58 pm
10424 Views
"My God, a moment of bliss. Why, isn't that enough for a whole lifetime?" - Dostoyevsky
1 comment
Rising
Posted:Apr 23, 2015 4:30 pm
Last Updated:May 14, 2017 6:25 pm
19057 Views
Fallen angel

0 Comments
My blog goes up to 11... 11 things to know about me
Posted:Apr 21, 2015 10:33 am
Last Updated:Apr 17, 2020 1:17 pm
19907 Views

As there isn't really space in my profile - or at least there is, but it would be like wading through treacle - here is a little more about . Consider it a sort of AshleyFAQ... Any thoughts or questions, just drop an email

1. How do you identify?
I identify as female – I have since I was four years old – and there are also elements of my biological mapping that are female (although I'm not quite fully intersex). And don’t get me started on labels. If you’d like a debate on gender labels it’ll cost you a case of red wine for starters. And probably a broken nose.

2. Are you transitioning?
Yes, I started full medical transition coming on five years ago. I still have a way go though - I want so badly be the pretty slut, but reality needs a bit of time catch up. It's not that far off though...

3. Is this not just a submissive fantasy?
No. I have always had submissive or kink tendencies, just as I have always known that I was a girl. What you have here is a highly kinky girl

4. What about men?
Hmmm. As a female I am open kind of open the idea – there's probably some innate, genetic cue in there somewhere – but it will take someone exceptional get my attention for an MF one-on-one fling or relationship and I am VERY picky. I am a little more open the idea when they come as part of a couple, however. That said, I am still mainly attracted women, love being with women, and I love serve or be served by women.

5. Huh? So you’re gay or bi-curious?
Not exactly. I think the easiest way put it is this: I am a bisexual female with leanings toward of the lesbian end of the spectrum.

6. So where does the submission come in?
Think of me this way - as a female with deeply submissive tendencies who has a craving for D/s in all its glorious forms. Doesn’t seem so unusual around here, really. That’s me. And I do have a lot of experience – submission is not new to me, and I have a lot of experience as a domme. I'm finding I'm more and more switchy as time goes on, depending on who I'm with...

7. Are your breasts real?
Yes yes yes - my breasts are 0 per cent natural, home-grown and implant-free. They're not as big as I'd like them, yet, but they're still growing. Anyway, I've had no complaints so far

8. Does being/dressing like a ‘girl’ turn you on?
Ah man, really? No. I think this is perhaps a distinction between TV and TS, in some but not all cases of course and with zero prejudice against where people fall on the spectrum! But for me I don't 'dress' as such just for the thrill of dressing in itself. I am a girl, and I dress accordingly. Sometimes for the lucky few that takes on a more elegantly slutty or provocative twist (or something else depending on the scenario ), but that's a lot because I love seeing the effect it has on my partner(s) and that makes me feel sexy and desired, and highly mischievous...

9. Are you out/do you present in public?
Normal life? Yes, I am legally and socially transitioned/gendered female. I'm still a little shy though, because I’m like a butterfly just emerging from the chrysalis and I’m just getting used all this freedom I have explore myself, finally!

. What about sex?
Ok, I still have genitalia, but their usage is not central my encounters with other people. With women, perhaps more so if desired, but not central if not desired. With (exceptional) men – sorry, I’m a taker. Do I like sex? Yes, but with other people it’s often psychological for me. I don't need release and I don't need masturbate furiously during or outside of a scene – it’s in the head. In fact, I find my body reacts far more closely a woman's body, so it's not really about or just driven by what's between my legs, it's more about the cumulative sensations and the slow-burn all over. With women (CIS or whatever you want label natural born, and TS) then everything is mixed up regards penetrative or non-penetrative sex and I just can’t answer, or... Depends on who, where, what, why, how I’m being used/interacted with, jeez I don’t know. But the parts are going at some point soon - that is a definite.

11. Anything else?
Nope. I’m just me. I’m figuring out a few things, but otherwise I’m open and flexible with a dark and twisted mind – and I very rarely say no Sure, I am lucky have some nice physical assets and facets, but I have flaws; mirrors don't shatter when I pass them, but I’m not perfect either. Anyway, what I look like and who I am are not intrinsically connected, and if looks are all that interest you then I am probably not your girl no matter how attractive you find me because, frankly, I am much, much more than the sum of my exterior. But aside from that I’m potentially open a lot of different things with a lot of different people, from friendship LTR or even something approaching 247-style, within the limitations of reality. So come say hello, and let’s walk the walk together...
1 comment

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