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Tips and Pointers for newer Dominants
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May 27, 2009 3:25 am
733 Views
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I recently had a local newbie Dominant ask what tips or pointers I could give him. After thinking about it, I came up with a couple and thought I'd share them. Since alt doesn't allow links, I'll tell you what to google to find info when there would usually be a helpful link. Sorry to leave the work up to you.. Example: To read about jelly dildos being toxic google tantusinc and sex underscore ed underscore 002
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It's important to be honest with your sub and to require complete honesty from them in return.
Do not assume subs can read your mind. You must communicate your desires.
You have to learn to talk about subjects that may make you blush inside with a straight face. Open communication is one of the foundations of a lasting BDSM relationship.
Learn to do any type of play before you try it on your own. For some types, it can be as simple as reading an article online or a book talking about it. For other play, such as fire or needles, you MUST have some sort of real life instruction from someone who knows the ins and outs of the play. It simply isn't safe if you don't.
Being a Dominant does not equal being an asshole or a bitch. Control is about power, not about acting tough or being rude.
Dominance is not a contest. Don't bother getting into pissing contests with other Dominants. There is not some hierarchy of Dominants in regular BDSM.
Dominants who regularly get into pissing contests with others are said to have "Tops Disease." Having "Tops Disease" is not generally considered a good thing.
Just because you're new doesn't make you any less dominant than any other Dominant. It makes you less experienced. While more experienced Dominants are a wonderful resource for learning, your own style of Domination comes from within. Take what you find useful from each person and let the rest go.
Do not be quick to offer a sub a collar any more than you'd be quick to get engaged to be married. Even a training collar is a serious thing. You don't need to put a collar on a sub for them to be known as yours. It isn't there just for ownership, but to indicate commitment. People entering into and out of collars quickly and easily are seen as "players giving out velcro collars" and not generally respected.
Certain parts of life come before BDSM obligations. Those include job, education and some familial obligations. Never try to interfere in those and never allow your sub to interfere with yours.
Don't ask pointed questions, such as "where do you work" till you get to know someone. Rather ask what field they work in, if you're curious. While you don't need to be paranoid, you should be cautious about sharing personal information at first.
Never share any personal information someone gives you with another person. This includes their name, job and address. Sharing such info is called "Outting." Outting is also telling a person's family, friends or work that they are into BDSM. Doing any of the above can result in your being ostracized from the local community.
If you see someone you've met at a BDSM venue out in the "normal world" (in a non BDSM setting) do not walk up to them and say "Hello Master/Mistress Asshole Reamer." Someone they know, who is not aware of their BDSM activities, may overhear. Accidental outting is still outting.
A scene name may be a good idea. Avoid things that make you sound overblown. GrandMasterofAll will probably offend other Dominants by seeming like you're placing yourself above them. Honorifics that work well in a newbie scene name are things like Sir, Lady, Ms., Mr., Dom, Domme and such. When you're new, using Master or Mistress as part of your title is usually seen as presumptuous. Your scene name doesn't have to contain any honorific. You could simply be known as Black Dagger, Sunshine, Gentle Wolf or whatever makes you happy.
When you're ready to get toys, buy a low cost version first to see if you want to invest in that particular toy type, as quality toys can be quite expensive. Paying $30 on ebay.com for a flogger is preferable to spending $150 or $200 and finding out that flogging leaves you cold. (To find floggers on ebay, search on the word flogger.)
Get crops and such from a tack store. They're inexpensive items that BDSM stores mark up a lot! Same with any type of toy.. see if you can find it through a "vanilla" retailer. It will usually have a better price,
Dildos and butt plugs that are made of a material called "jelly" are toxic. I know they are cheap but it isn't worth it in this case! Google tantusinc and sex underscore ed underscore 002 to learn about the different materials used in insertables.
The type of leather used in making a flogger makes a difference as to how it will feel. My personal favorites are elk and bison. One of the softest leathers is deer. To learn more about how to choose a flogger, Google collarchat ladyhugs re: What to look for in a flogger
Read about sub drop and aftercare. Aftercare is an essential part of play! Tops can drop also. Google iron-rose and aftercare for some info on drop.
There is no "one true way" to do BDSM. While the guidelines of SSC (safe, sane and consensual) are pretty much agreed upon, the idea of what is safe or even sane will vary. Do not try to force your idea of what is right onto another. If you're in a Dungeon and do not think someone is not being safe, do not interfere in the scene yourself. Get a Dungeon Monitor or tell the person at the entrance. What you think is horrid and awful may be a well scripted and executed play scene done by a very experienced person.
Not everyone is SSC. There is a standard of playing called RACK- Risk Aware Consensual Kink. If you engage in RACK, be SURE all people involved in the play are fully aware of the risks.
Read up on dungeon and play party etiquette before going. Google Dungeon Party Etiquette and read one of the links to learn basic info common to all venues.
Your submissive will have needs and things they want. While the "party line" is that it is all about the Dominant, if the sub isn't also getting their needs met, they'll go elsewhere.
Don't act in anger and never punish or play while you are angry.
Before you control someone else, you must have basic control of your own life.
Take responsibility and accept consequences of your own actions. If you do it or say it, own up to it! Do not blame others for your mistake or transfer blame to your submissive.
You will make mistakes. The measure of a person is how they deal with correcting their own mistakes.
Do not give a submissive a long set of rules all at once. You're both likely to forget them. Set a few reasonable rules and once they've learned them add a few more. Don't overwhelm both of you. You must have a preset punishment for breaking the set rules. You must follow through with punishments for rule breaking.
Do not be "all talk." If you tell the sub if you do X, I'll put you over my knee and spank you, if they do X, SPANK THEM. Do not let them give you big eyes and talk you out of it. While a sub may try hard to get out of an unwanted punishment, they tend to not respect a Dominant who doesn't follow through on a "promised" punishment.
There is a difference between BDSM and abuse. Google domsubfriends bd-v-ab to learn the difference
Learn some BDSM vocabulary. Google towerofbabel indexofterminology for one BDSM Dictionary.
Read a good starter page. Googling xeromag fvbdsm brings you to an excellent one.
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Finding 24/7 TPE male subs
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Jan 23, 2009 2:29 am
581 Views
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I have an amazing sub. He's not a doormat. He's masculine and competitive with other males. Still, he never tries to be the leader with me. He adores me and serves me daily. (We're in a 24/7 TPE marriage, aka I'm the head of our household.) I'm constantly having other Dominants compliment me on him and wish that they could find a sub like him.
I tell them how I found him and how I courted him. But they continue searching in the way that brings them men who say they want to be full time submissives and want to let the woman lead, then turn out to top from the bottom and constantly fight for control. These women get frustrated and some consider leaving the lifestyle. They don't understand why they can't find the full time sub of their dreams.
Well first off, let me tell you how I found my husband. It was at the opening of the So Cal chapter of Club FEm's dungeon, Man's Ruin. One of the subs caught my eye at the party. While many of the subs were lost in socializing or not knowing what to do, this one was walking around making sure women had drinks and fetching them one if they didn't, taking away empty paper plates, and was generally serving. I was impressed. One out of the dozens of "subs" there only he had the initiative to actually SERVE! He also looked very cute kneeling in the "protocol line up" of subs. (OMG, great ass!)
It came to the play time portion of the party and I, being single and at the party alone, was interested in using one of the Club FEm single subs. The sub I'd watched was one of the single subs and he pushed aside three other subs to stand in front of me with a huge grin. How could I resist? We had a magical playtime; the best first scene I've ever had. One of the party attendants had never seen BDSM play before and had asked to watch. We granted him permission to not only watch, but take photos. About ten mins into playing, I forgot he was there.
About Four AM we finished playing. As we were leaving Man's Ruin, he shyly invited me back to his hotel room. I broke one of my general rules and accepted. The magic continued and by check out time the next morning, I'd asked for his email address and phone number.
I emailed him upon arriving home, asking how he was feeling after the play. I checked in by email again in a few days, making sure everything was still ok. I followed that call up a few days later, asking him if he'd like to come over for some play time. He jumped at the chance. From that point on, I instigated vanilla style dates and BDSM encounters. I decided where we went and what we did. The only thing he did in our courtship was ask me to marry him. Other than that, I did it all. I took control of our relationship and am now the head of our household. I have the BDSM fairy tale
To find someone who would work as a non doormat 24/7 TPE sub, don't wait for the subs to approach you. Watch the single subs around you and see how they treat people. Are they deferential to the females? How do they react around other males. Are they pushy and try to talk women into playing with them or do they make themselves available and figure that if the woman wants them she'll tell them? When you find the sub who seems to fit what you're seeking, don't wait for him to ask you out.. go after him! Ask him out!
Yes, he may say no. Guys generally learn how to accept no in dating early on. Women generally don't. So the fear of rejection may be strong. And the sub you have your eye on may not find you to be his perfect Dominant. But you're a strong woman! You're in control of your life; now take control of your relationships. Ask him! No isn't the end of the world! But he may say yes, starting a wonderful female led romance!
While the old fashioned male controlled courtship can make a woman feel wanted, waiting for a sub who takes the initiative may net you a man who is only willing to submit sometimes (when HE is in the mood for it) in the bedroom. It's unlikely to bring you 24/7 TPE. Now, if all you're seeking is an occasional play partner or a "normal" relationship (aka male as head of household) outside of the bedroom, the sub instigated format may be what will bring you your dream. Just don't expect to find a sub suitable for a 24/7 TPE relationship chasing your around the dungeon.
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FemDom/male sub marriage group
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Sep 2, 2007 2:46 am
982 Views
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I'm building a yahoo group around my alternate lifestyle marriage. The group explores My and My husband's alternative sexuality and marriage along with general relationships between Dominant Women and submissive men.
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Living a Second Life!
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Sep 2, 2007 2:15 am
772 Views
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I've discovered a new addiction- Second Life. (You'll have to google "Second Life" for the link since alt doesn't allow outside links in blogs.) At the core of it, it is a chat program, but it is so much more than that! "You" in the game, are a 3-d avatar. It is fully customizable. You can change your hair, your eyes, your facial features and body size and shape. You decide what clothes you wear.. if any. (Not all areas of Second Life allow nudity.)
Once you've decided how you'll look and what you wear, you can set off to explore. The place is huge; the scope mind boggling. Because there is so much to see and do, the Second Life (from now on referred to as SL ) programmers put in a search feature. You can find people by clicking on the people tab and typing in their name. For example, to find me you'd type in BeachMystress Aabye and press search. It will bring up my profile. From a profile you can IM a person, add them as a friend (as with most chat programs, you're best off not to add people without saying hello first. It is considered rude,) send them inventory or mute/block them. To find places, you'd go to either the Places tab or Classified Tab. Say you wanted to find places about BDSM- you'd type in BDSM and press search. It gives you many results and you can visit them by clicking on the entry and clicking the teleport button. Some examples of places (called Sims for simulations) you can visit are virtual Dungeons, dance clubs, strip clubs, cafes, vampire areas, sex clubs, anthropomorphic areas (furries,) role play Sims such as a recreation of the old west town of Tombstone, Sims devoted to meeting people of the opposite sex for romance, Shoot em up gaming Sims and much more.
You can even make real money on SL. While there are some free clothes and hair for people to use, there are also pay versions of everything in the game. If you become good at making something that people wish to buy in SL, you can convert the SL "Lindens" (their currency) to real currency. All in all, this is a phenomenon you don't want to miss. The regular level of Second Life is free and all you need unless you decide to buy land (you have to buy a membership if you wish to own land.) Tell them BeachMystress Aabye referred you when you sign up. Look me up once you get into the program and tell me you found SL through my blog. I'll help you out with some free hair and clothes and tips on using the program and places to visit. Hope to see ya there!
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Foiling the Fakes
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Apr 17, 2007 2:34 am
964 Views
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I've finally figured out the way to stop flakes who call themselves sub from wasting my time! When they write asking if they can serve me, I immediately invite them to a munch. I've been having prospective subs meet me at the munch for several years now. It had been that I'd have several mail exchanges with the sub and then invite them if they seemed like they were worth anything. A bit over a month ago, I was inundated with messages asking to meet (I guess it was springtime in California.) I got tired of writing to each one individually and just made the following "form letter."
Hello, You are welcome to meet with me at the South Bay munch. It is the ONLY place I meet prospective submissives. I've had too many subs flake in the past to go the least bit out of my way to meet a new one. Also, since munches are social occasions, if it is clear to either party that there is no chemistry, it isn't a wasted trip. There are other people to get to know.
South Bay Munch,
-Second Tuesday of the Month, 7:00 PM, (address removed)
-Fourth Thursday of the Month, 7:00 PM, (address removed)
At either of these, ask for the Co-ed softball team.
Coming to the munch and meeting me doesn't guarantee getting to serve me. It merely gives you the opportunity to attract my attention. My invitation also doesn't guarantee that you'll be the only male there trying to attract my attention. Since munches are the only place I have a first meeting with a sub, there may be others there who wish to take up some of my time also. (But since most male subs don't have much follow through, it is rare that an invited male actually shows up.) Just because there may be more than one male present doesn't mean that you do not have a chance. I have two openings available and the other male may be applying for the other opening. Even if they are seeking the same one as you, I will not tolerate rude behaviour or pettiness towards any other people who may be present. (Sad that I have to make a point of that, but it has been a problem in the past.)
I'm not willing to discuss anything in the BDSM realm before the first time we meet. I'm happy to discuss any vanilla topic you desire before then. I am, however, willing to send a "form letter" about the requirements for the positions if you want to be sure you fit what I seek. I will only respond to questions about that highly detailed letter after we meet the first time.
I do suggest you read (google "Courtship of a Dominant Woman" and go to the first site listed since alt doesn't allow links in blogs) and (google "Sweet Services for Submissives" and go to the first site listed since alt doesn't allow links in blogs) before coming if you decide to visit with us.
I will give you a small hint. I respond best to being treated like an interesting woman rather than some goddess on a pedestal. One big heads up.. while being polite is great, calling me Mistress is not. That is reserved for my collared one. (You are welcome to call me Beach, Ma'am or Mrs. Beach.)
Beach Mystress
It has worked wonderfully! Since many of the "subs" who contact women are just looking to get off via talking about submission, telling them I'll only talk about BDSM stuff at the munch doesn't fit in with their game plan! Most males never contact me again. The ones who do are much more likely to actually show up. Plus it fits in with my ideal of "put your money where your mouth is" submission.. aka, SHOW me the submission. I've told them that I wish to meet in a public place. If they can't get over their fear of going to a munch to get to meet me, they're not submissive enough to serve me. My will comes first to my sub. Someone who is actually submissive will find it within them self to show up, even though it is scary and an unknown environment, because I desire it.
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Female Domination in main stream TV..
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Apr 17, 2007 2:02 am
1004 Views
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Have you ever seen Malcolm in the Middle? http://alt.com The entire family is submissive to the mother. An in your face example of the Female Dominant theme is in the episode called Lois' Birthday. Near the end, she screams
"I need a little human consideration! I shouldn't even have to ask!" and Hal says, "Oh. Jeez. Honey, that's never gonna happen."
And Lois says "Wh-what?"
And Hal says:
"We're not smart enough to do that. Look who you're talking to! You might as well ask us all to be a foot taller. Sweetie, you're always gonna have to tell us what to do. I mean, look at this half-baked celebration. And we're at the top of our game here! The only thing we're ever going to be able to offer you is our total, abject, obedience. I know that it doesn't sound like much, but look at it this way: Our meager abilities are yours completely. One. Hundred. Percent."
Also in the episode Lois' Birthday, a visiting singer pins the oldest son to the ground while making out. When he reaches for her, she grabs his wrist and slams it back to the ground, holding it there. If you watch, every episode has some nod to the female being the one in charge. In an episode I saw recently, Stereo Store, Lois was "at her sisters" and they used a babysitter as the female Dominant. She manipulated, coerced and flat out blackmailed the boys into doing what she wanted. Half way through the episode I turned to my subhub and said.. she's good. It's a funny show to begin with and the nods to FemDom just make it better.
Does anyone else think any of the mainstream shows they watch consistently display a D/s theme?
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"Not a REAL Domme" oh cripes!
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Nov 27, 2006 12:19 am
1145 Views
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Recently, I was talking with a Domme friend. In the course of our conversation it came up that we'd both been accused of "not being a real Domme" because of actions we chose to take. It is not my place to share her action, but mine was giving a submissive oral sex for Valentines Day. I decided that it would be the perfect gift. He was a very good sub and I sometimes enjoy giving oral sex. We'd been together over a year, I was in the mood and he deserved a special treat. The only time prior to that I'd had my lips on his cock was when he won a blow job off of me in a bet. While many I've talked to say I should have welshed when I lost, my honor means more to me than that. I screwed up. I lost. I paid up. Of course, I used a LOT of teeth and biting in paying off my debt. *smiles* Nothing in the bet had said it had to be a pleasant blow job *evil grin* So giving him a loving, pleasurable blow job was a gift we both enjoyed. When I was asked afterwards what my gift to him had been, people were expecting to hear something like a bad whipping. They were very very surprised. I'm known to be pretty sadistic and for me to have done something that "wasn'tDomme" disconcerted them. I had people telling me that I just wasn't a Domme anymore.
My response: "How does doing WHAT I want, WHEN I want, to WHOM I want make me non Dominant?"
*deep sigh* First of all, there is no act that is in and of itself Dominant or submissive. The person in control of the act matters. If a Dominant tells you to pick up a whip and to beat them. They've instigated the action. They had you do it. They are in control of the fact it happened. Generally, in a situation like that, the Dominant even directs what they want done. To make this more personal, I'll describe it in terms of myself.
I love being fisted; absolutely adore it! Most consider being the recipient of a fisting is a submissive act. But when I am fisted, I tell the male how fast to go, when to add another finger, when to fully enter me, how to hold his hand while he is inside of me, how fast to thrust, how to rotate his hand and such. I also determine when I've had enough, which is usually after themale's arm is shaking with fatigue. The male has no choice in any action during the fisting . Once he is well trained I can trust him to do it on his own without a constant stream of commands, but nothing is ever done that is not solely for me. The act doesn't matter. I controlled it. I am the Dominant.
Secondly, I do not recognize any one else's right to tell me how to be Dominant. While other's have contributed to my growth, it was via my listening to anecdotes about their lives or by my observing their actions. I have never allowed anyone to dictate how I would Dominate, who I would Dominate or when. Letting them direct my actions would be me submitting to them. F**K THAT! It is not in my nature to submit! I've gone out and learned more via books, the internet and personal experience than many people. No one else has the right to tell me how to run my life or my subs. No one but my subs and myself have the right to judge me as being or not being a Dominant. Most of those people who will (oh so helpfully) butt into your life trying to tell you what you should or shouldn't do with your Dominance aren't even what I'd consider a Dominant myself. They have all this advice to offer and quite often have never had a real time sub (or Dominant.) While I respect the choice of people to have online relationships of any type, it is not the same as real time. The experience is a LOT different. Yes, you can care deeply about an online sub or Dominant. Yes, you can desire to serve or take with your whole heart. But at the end of the day, if you never get to enforce your will with your own hand, it isn't the same. While I generally keep real time subs (11 to date with the relationships lasting from a few months to two years) I've personally had three online subs, so don't try to tell me I don't know what it is like. I do. I know there can be real emotion. I know there can be real lust and desire. But in the end, you do not have real control over the other person. They can disappear without warning, never to return to the computer. They can turn the computer off if they don't like what is going on. While it did not end this way with any of my subs online, I've watched it happen time and time again to people with whom I chat (both subs and Dominants.)
I'm not saying you should never take advice that you find helpful. Choosing to use something that someone has told you is fine, as long as you consider it and decide it works for you. Just don't blindly accept their ideas of how things are done if they don't fit YOU! In my eyes, it is part of aDominant's responsibility to grow and learn. You can't be expected to control someone totally the first time you try. It is a learning journey. Just because you don't Dominate the way someone else does, doesn't make you any less of a Dominant. Just because you're closer to the beginning of your journey than someone else, also doesn't make you any less a Dominant. It just makes you less experienced. Your Dominance comes from inside of you. It is a personal thing. It is not a contest. You don't have a set "finish line." Live, grow and Dominate according to your own needs. If someone else doesn't like it, as long as you're not being abusive then screw them! ( http://alt.com )
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Sonnet 130
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Nov 27, 2006 12:15 am
1120 Views
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My mistress' eyes are nothing like the sun;
Coral is far more red, than her lips red:
If snow be white, why then her breasts are dun;
If hairs be wires, black wires grow on her head.
I have seen roses damasked, red and white,
But no such roses see I in her cheeks;
And in some perfumes is there more delight
Than in the breath that from my mistress reeks.
I love to hear her speak, yet well I know
That music hath a far more pleasing sound:
I grant I never saw a goddess go,
My mistress, when she walks, treads on the ground:
And yet by heaven, I think my love as rare,
As any she belied with false compare.
I've always found this to be the most romantic of the Shakespere sonnets. I was probably 8 the first time I read it. The idea of being loved for who and what you are rang true for me and probably had a hand in my development as a Domme. While my friends were busy worrying how to shape their behaviour to attract the males, I had the opinion that any male worth having would like me for who I was. I refused to change for anyone. Strangely enough, while many of my friends had trouble attracting and keeping guys, I always had men seeking my company. Since I come from a long line of strong women- a great grandmother who left Poland in a hay wagon, one grandmother who raised three boys despite an alcoholic husband, a mother who was not only left to care for her two sisters at a very young age due to her mother being unable to cope with the death of her husband but also dealt with the murder of that mother also at a young age - I was always encouraged to be strong within myself. I was told I didn't need a man to complete me. And I don't. *smiles* I don't "need" my husband; I want him. I know him, his foibles and his flaws and love him for who and what he is. While his face and body are attractive, he could be transplanted into someone hideously deformed and I'd still love him the same. *smiles* I wish all of you a love of this magnitude.
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Master Grand Poobah of the Universe
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Sep 4, 2006 1:32 am
1202 Views
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I recently saw a post in a forum; someone wondering "what happened to the time where even token respect was afforded Doms/Dommes, known or not." It started me thinking about the difference between today's BDSM and historical "respectful" BDSM.
With the advent of the internet, everyone knows about BDSM. It's become almost a fad with younger people. While some of those younger people are mature and have bothered to educate themselves, many of them blunder around, making foolish mistakes, hurting people and acting like total jackasses. While they give themselves the name of Domme, Dom, Mistress or Master they do not have the training, maturity, patience or experience to claim any of those titles. Historically, those titles were conferred by peers, rather than adopted by oneself. You had to prove to a group that you had training, experience and the maturity needed to guide others. Often times, people started at the "bottom" and worked their way up; subbing before they could be counted as a Dominant. Because of the practice of earning the title, when someone had Mistress/Master/Domme/Dom as part of their name, you knew that even if you didn't get along with them, they were worthy of respect.
Now, with the lifestyle as a topic in popular media as well as available easily on the internet, people are aware of the lifestyle. Anyone can claim any title they choose. I'm pretty sure that my cat signs on at times as Master Grand Poobah of the Universe. While I will agree that my cat has very dominant tendencies, his lack of foresight and due diligence of care for his subs (We get non consensually scratched all the time!), he is not a Master. One does not wake up one morning and decide one is a Mistress/Master. You can start the process of learning and becoming one, but it is not an instant thing. Even if one is Dominant or submissive in their day to day life, it doesn't mean they are automatically a Dom/me or a sub. It can mean they have a leaning towards one side or the other. However, some people who are very Dominant in every day life are actually submissive in their personal lives.
Because of people who are not qualified claiming the titles, it is hard to just give someone who claims to be a Dominant blanket respect. While I offer everyone, Dominant, submissive, vanilla, common courtesy, my respect is harder to gain.
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Dominant vs bitch
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Sep 4, 2006 1:30 am
1265 Views
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It never ceases to amaze me how many women mistake being a bitch for being Dominant. And by bitch, I don't mean the commanding, in-control woman who doesn't brook any nonsense. I mean the type of female (or male) who tries to manipulate others via bad temper, denigration and self aggrandizement.
Lets start with the definition of control..
control tr.v.,
- Authority or ability to manage or direct: lost control of the skidding car; the leaders in control of the country.
- One that controls; a controlling agent, device, or organization.
- An instrument or set of instruments used to operate, regulate, or guide a machine or vehicle. Often used in the plural.
- A restraining device, measure, or limit; a curb: a control on prices; price controls.
There is nothing in that definition that mentions manipulation or the need to make the thing controlled lesser. Both of those are superfluous to the process. They are the hallmark of one who is not able to establish a sense of authority by positive means. You should never need to run someone down to control them. That indicates that YOUR power isn't sufficient for the task of control. Having to resort to any type of abuse is antithetical to the tenants of BDSM. http://alt.com
Some may argue against that, taking the Lucius Accius type view of "Oderint Dum Metuant" ("Let them hate so long as they fear.") I've met those that feel true power in BDSM is gained only by manipulation and subjugation. What I've noticed is that the submissives or slaves of the people with that attitude are the "broken" type; those who don't have self esteem, are temperamental, immature, socially inept and lacking more than one or two real life friends. Perhaps the abuse from this type of Dominant fills some need for those people. Personally, I don't consider it a positive to make broken people worse.
My idea of control and Domination is to make it so they person obeys not out of fear of me, but fear of displeasing me or making me unhappy. I feel if I have to raise my voice or engage in some elaborate manipulation, I no longer have control. But how do you gain that type of control? You comport yourself in a manner that others can respect and admire. You allow the other person to understand that you are worthy of having control of them. You let them fall in love with the core of your being. That is the type of control that lasts. Instead of tearing down those you own, you help them grow and thrive. A Dominant should be a positive force in a submissive/slave's life. They should be the safe harbor, driving force and voice of authority all rolled into one.
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