On The Wall
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Jun 6, 2010 11:39 am
23300 Views
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I wish I was interesting enough to be access-able 24/7. Honestly, I’m not. I am much better with a little anticipation and a lot less practical knowledge mixed in. The less you know of me, the more interesting I am. To those who’ve never met me or heard of me, I’m down right fascinating. This decreases in direct proportion to level of contact. I know this is true.
It’s written on the wall.
I see people in stores texting and talking on phones and alone even though they are with friends and family. They are all connecting to people that are not there and ignoring the people that are. In the race to never miss a single whisper of gossip we have stopped listening to the conversation at the table. We have become caged by our own driving need for attention and acceptance. In our need to be connected, we are disconnecting ourselves.
This too is written on the wall.
Alone seems to be a dirty word these days and not the fun kind of dirty word that makes you all tingly. Alone is like “discarded” or “diseased” . . . well except if you have a disease there are always others to gather with to talk about it and everyone wants to understand. So diseased now is more acceptable then “alone” which strikes me as odd. Alone is not a bad thing. Without alone, the greatness of literature and poetry and art would be greatly diminished. Without alone the mind cannot step beyond the moment to see greater things. “In solitude lies strength for in solitude comes understanding” . . .
. . . Lao Tzu wrote that on the wall in his momma’s lipstick.
Solitude brings understanding. First of the self and then of the self’s place within the world of selves. It is in this way we are exalted and humbled at once by understanding the enormity of the world and our small place but also that we have a place in something so enormous. We are part of the “all” of the world. Seeing this does not happen in 140 characters or less. Philosophy, theology, religion, ideology, and comparative ethics should not be broken into sound bites that catch the attention of attention challenged viewers on TiVo.
The wall says TiVo is cheating. . .can’t you even watch TV for yourself?
I wonder what mark I will leave in the world. More and more I am content with the mark being unnoticed and unremarked. So many people getting fame for things that are. . .trivial. . .silly. . .I’d rather be silent than be known for a tantrum. I would rather be forgotten than to be remembered for my worst behavior. Because, in the end, no matter how unremarked you think you are. . . you aren’t. You have made a mark on the lives around you.
And of course, on the wall. I know this . . . it says so right here.
It’s on the wall . . . it has to be real.
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Parallax Duality
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Jun 6, 2010 11:37 am
22740 Views
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Within my soul is a parallax duality . . . a conflicting co-existence . . . a juxtaposed fun house mirror of my soul. The problem is, I am not really sure which image is the reflection and which is the truth any more. Am I referring to the Nietzsche concepts of duality? I have no fucking clue. I get Nietzsche and James Herbert’s Dune all confused most of the time. Something about man killing god so the spice will flow and we can all be super human or something . . . I’m not really sure . . . but no . . . this is something different. This is me.
The Wall understands and gives me props for spelling Nietzsche right.
There is a Zen within me and a turmoil. There are times of peace and a great love for hearing things break. There is part that wants to be wise and all knowing and there is a part that wants to drive really fast on ice and see if I can spin all the way around before the ice breaks through. There is a part that understands and a part that questions . . . the questions never stop . . . the need to know never dies. A part that wants to accept and a part that wants to rage. A part that wants to learn and a part that wants to create for without the creation, I wither inside. This I know. This I understand and yet cannot understand all at once.
The Wall is pretty sure I fall under the scientific classification of “fucked up” but it loves me anyway.
So this is it. My turmoil done to an inner beat and an outer audience placed on display for all to see and gawk at if they so choose. But then again . . . it always was, really. It was never truly hidden because no matter how I much I may have thought it was, it wasn’t.
The Wall says it knows . . . it always has.
It was always written here.
On the Wall
Along with everything else
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Rhythm and Pop and Bang
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Jun 6, 2010 11:32 am
22807 Views
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There is a rhythm to life . . .a beat that echoes in our thoughts. Every heart and every step add to it and make it different. By our breath we alter it. By our life. . . we change it. This rhythm and pop and beat is the sound of the world and if you just stop, you can hear it. . . you can feel it.
The wall has good rhythm. If it wasn't made of stone, it would be a great dancer.
Each of us is part of this chorus of humanity and each of us add to it. We cannot subtract from it because we are and that is a fact. It's like matter and anti-matter . . . once you are you always add. You can't take away what is. We don't get this though so we spend our lives trying to make sure we are noticed. We try and make sure someone pays attention because we are afraid that if no one notices, we just cease to be.
The wall says you should just chill out. It always notices you.
We write our names on the wall in ever increasing sizes . . .hoping that bigger means better and that bolder means someone will read it. The fact is though, each thought and each person has a finite amount of ink to it. Every utterance has a limited amount of coverage. The more you stretch it, the faster it fades. The more you try and get noticed, the more you become the back drop for the next idea to be based on.
The wall says it is very deep. There are layers upon layers of things that only it can see any more. Everything fades but the wall never forgets.
The bigger you write your name, the faster it will become just another layer that people write on. The more you try and get noticed, the faster you will vanish under the next big spew of attention grabbing. We are meant to write our words with precision and care. To form and shape them and to make them so powerful that the ink will last a lifetime and more. It is not the 15 minutes of fame that matters . . . it's the way the words we choose to write on the wall pop and click.
Because those words are what we leave to the chorus. Those thoughts and those deeds written on the wall are what we add to the rhythm and the pop and the beat.
The wall wants to mention once more that it has a great sense of rhythm if anyone would like to go dancing.
There is a pop and a rhythm and a beat to life. You add to it with each breath. You add to it with each thought. You add to it with every deed. You don't need to write huge words in neon colors . . . you just need to write words that are true. You just need to be.
The wall knows who you are. It knows what you write. You don't have to worry . . . you are noticed. The wall never forgets.
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2
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Secrets
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Mar 7, 2012 7:09 am
13663 Views
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Hush now. . . need to say something to me?
Then lean in close and whisper it here
It'll stay just between us
So go ahead. . .
. . . tell me something
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Knowing
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Mar 27, 2012 9:51 am
11043 Views
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Do you know how your toys feel?
This is a question I had thought really to be a no brainer. I had never considered using a toy on someone that I did not understand and to me part of that understanding is knowing how it feels. I am not a bottom and do not enjoy the pain sensation. In fact, it really pisses me off but that being said, I feel I have to experience it. How can I really know what I am doing to a submissive without knowing the sensations I am using? How can I measure what I am doing in play without knowing the levels of sensation and the various types of sensation?
I recon it to trying to play when someone else has set up a music list. Different people play to different kinds of music and you can be going along all down and dirty and suddenly a fluffy song comes on. Worse you can be reaching a crescendo and all of a sudden instead of something lighter you have some deep evil music that can fuck up a submissive’s mind because it takes them to somewhere you have not prepared them for. It is hard to rely on the music as part of the scene if you have no idea what song is next.
Sensation and pain is the same way for me. If I do not know what the different levels of thump and sting are in a toy, how can I use it fully? So before I use a toy I experience it. I hate doing it. It is not fun for me and tends to leave me in a very grumbly kind of mood afterwards but, I know it then. I know what that feels like. I know how I can use it. I know where and when I can use it because I can orchestrate the sensations and integrate it into play. Because I know how it feels I know how it will feel to the submissive. I can figure out ways to use that unique sensation to the best effect.
Most of all though, I know what I am doing to them.
To me that is important. I know what I am doing, what I am inflicting, what I am asking them to take and I can control it all. Without that knowledge I am left wondering what song is next and trying to wing it. Without being able to really understand the depth of the pain I inflict I could go over the limit. I could push too far without ever knowing it. So when someone asks me “Do you know what that feels like?” I can answer them “yes, I do, and I meant it.”
Just a personal preference but for me, I want to control the entire scene so that I control the submissive within it. The only way to do that is to understand every aspect first hand. Not just by description. To really know . . . it is one of the most invaluable things for me.
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So Jesus Meets A Bear In The Woods. . .
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Mar 24, 2012 10:21 am
11945 Views
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Sometimes my life is what I would call surreal. It is something that just defies normal logic and falls into the area of “ya well. . .shit happens” that is a statement of not only reality but that sometimes reality is totally unbelievable.
To really explain what I mean I have to first start by explaining that we live in a more rural area of Lee County on 2.5 acres that butts up to a much larger wooded area. We have lots of wild animals wandering through from raccoons to deer to the rare coyote to hawks and even a few boars wandering around. So I guess it was inevitable that we would eventually get a bear wandering through too. I call her Buttercup. She isn’t aggressive and is shy. She’s about 150 lbs. . . big for a Florida bear but tiny for things I saw when I was young. She does not act aggressively towards me in any way, she seems more curious than angry or territorial. Because of her I have to build paddocks to keep the trash cans in and we can’t leave cracked corn on the ground for birds any more but other than that, she is just another visitor that shows up about every 20-30 days or so as she wanders through her territory. She pokes about and then leaves again. It is just another part of life here.
So today I look out and see people getting out of a sedan with short sleeved white shirts and ties and I am thinking “shit. . . .are these process servers? County inspector geeks?” But no. . .they were worse. They were Jehovah’s Witnesses here to tell me the good news about Jesus and all. So I am standing there and trying to politely tell them to go away and they are just steam rolling me and talking over me and doing their best to save my soul. I am scrolling through all the responses in my mind because most of them were so socially incorrect that even I couldn’t do them. I scrolled past the possible explanation of what I write or the type of art I do as too trite a shock value response. I scrolled past the “Just please fuck off” responses and the “I should try and convince them about the glory of showering in the thunderstorm” response. And then just as I am about to give up and use the “I have a gun and will shoot you if you don’t shut up and go away” response, I see something.
What I saw was the head, one leg and part of the shoulder of a bear peeking around the house looking at me. Not aggressive or angry but head cocked like the RCA dog, curious and listening. I realize as they drone on, it is in fact Buttercup. So as this man asks me “Don’t you want to know why Jesus died for you?” I look at him and smile.
“No,” I said and then, “But she does.” And I point behind them.
The man takes another pamphlet in hand and turns to tell “her” about the good news and then freezes.
Now he is standing there with a pamphlet raised and not moving and the other person lets out a little yelp. These things combined made Buttercup excited and she began shaking her head and bouncing up and down whining. This sight was apparently too close to god for these people and they squealed, yelped, and then ran to their car and jumped inside. This flurry of action scared poor Buttercup who huffed, yelped and ran away back into the woods. They however did not stick around to see this, they hauled ass back to happy town away from that place in the woods as fast as they could go.
I was left standing there watching them drive off, listening to Buttercup running off and laughing my ass off. The pamphlet as the art to this post is in fact a scan of their pamphlet and the print is the marks of a bear running fast over hard packed ground so just part of the pad and the claws leave a mark.
Sometimes life is so surreal that it is in fact perfect.
After days of feeling completely stuck in my writing and my art, I had a moment so beautiful, so funny, so perfect in every aspect, I feel re-invigorated. Re-energized. Sometimes life just throws you a bone when you need it most and pulls you out of the muck of overthinking things.
I am pretty sure a bear peeking around the corner and scaring off a couple of Jehovah’s Witnesses falls directly and totally in that category.
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Some ? and Some !
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Mar 24, 2012 7:33 am
11709 Views
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Ok. . .so I really don’t get something and maybe it seems like semantics but. . . If you are a submissive female and you have in your profile that you are taken so the trolls leave you alone some how are you surprised when all you get are trolls? If you are listed as taken but figure that the “right one” will come along and you can tell him that you aren’t. . . don’t you understand that if you are listed as taken the “right one” will prob pass you by? The only ones that will still try are the people that either A don’t read profiles, or B don’t care about what you say, or C think they are too sexy for you to resist. The ones that will be worth it will just wander on by because. . . .you said you were taken! Don’t complain that you get nothing but jerks contacting you if you put a big “Go Away” sign for the guys that might be worth it.
Second. . .wtf is it with all the twinky 20-24 year old master dominants of both sexes and sometimes of nebulous sex and gender that think facebook style pictures of them flipping the camera off make them appear dominant? Is it summer break already?
Third . . . How are there so many people with out of focus pictures when digital cameras and webcams do auto focus?
Fourth . . . I’ve been in the lifestyle since 1999. I have been to a fair amount of public events in the past. I do not know how so many people have been in the lifestyle for like. . .ever. . . .and yet I never heard of them, met them, or know anyone that ever heard of them before and yet apparently they are the lord god or voodoo momma of all things bdsm. Am I getting early onset Alzheimer’s and forgetting all these people?
I have realized several things:
If you have never seen Gilligan’s Island, we prob won’t relate well.
If you never pondered the question “Wow. . .is Vader really his dad?” again. . .prob not going to relate
If you have never read a book . . . well that one just is a no brainer in multiple ways
If when asked about your spiritual or philosophical views you can honestly answer “Well. . .I never really thought about it. . .” We will more than likely not connect
When asked about spiritual and philosophical views you answer with “have you heard the good news?” Ya. . .ditto
If your first thought when something good happens is “I’ve got to tweet this” Ya. . .we can agree to not meet.
If you get upset because not enough people have “liked” anything you’ve posted. . . . you get the idea. . .
If you sometimes say IDK or LOL out loud in a conversation . . . we’re not going to communicate well.
If you have never in your life read something or seen a sunset or a view off a natural vista that made you just stop and sit and think for a while, we’re not going to have much to talk about.
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What Now. . .?
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Mar 23, 2012 8:50 am
12215 Views
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So what will you do now?
This is a question that haunts me always. I always think that there is an answer that is right and wrong and just out of my grasp. So many times in my life things have come to an end and then, inevitably, someone asks the question . . . so, what will you do now? So many times I have had victory and accomplishment and then someone again asks . . . ok, what now? Many times I have sat quietly contemplating that question and the paradox of it.
For me, the answer is never simple. When it seems simple I worry because it always gets so damn complex. What I think should be easy becomes damn near impossible. So when I am asked the question, I have apprehension about any possible answer that pops in my mind. Instead I like to look at it from all sides, turn it over in my mind and then figure out what is best. Not what is right.
At least I have come to that understanding. There is no right or wrong. There is best, easiest, hardest, impossible, and “wtf?” but there is no right and wrong. There are just choices and the paths they lead to. Each path has virtue and folly. Each can lead us on or back and I’ll be damned if I can figure out how to tell which most of the time. Each choice provides a new cascade of possibilities and provides access to a new road of life. But the road runs each way, to and fro. Choosing the direction is as important as the path.
So I am sitting here and asking myself “what now?” I have path and momentum in some aspects of my life and yet in others I find myself sitting and contemplating endlessly. It is like I am stuck in a loop of potentials but without clear choice of possibilities. My writing and my art are especially suffering. I see the end results in my mind but they seem detached from the effort to create them. They are ethereal and nebulous even though they are lucid images in my mind. I feel at times like I am mired in some thought process I cannot seem to extricate myself from.
I have a pocket watch I have hanging by my computer. It seems each day I look at it at the same time and I don’t know why. Almost every day I look at it at 10 am and I wonder “Is it really working or am I just seeing the same time as yesterday?” Did time pass for it or is it just right 2 times a day no matter what? I feel kind of like that lately.
So what do I want to do right now?
That question still haunts me. I don’t know how to answer it. I see so many possible paths that they seem to overwhelm me and I am left looking at all the roads. Exploring the ideas of each endlessly in my mind so that at the end of the day I wonder . . . am I working? Or am I just right 2 times a day?
Either way I am left with that question . . .
. . . What do I do now?
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Social Media and Me
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Mar 21, 2012 7:56 am
12197 Views
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Sometimes I wonder as I read if maybe the great philosophers would be seen differently today. I try and imagine Sun Tzu or Marcus Aurelius or Nietzsche in 140 character bites. How would their wisdom have come across?
SunTzuZenMF: #Genghis LOL Bro. Master self and then world. U B unstoppable if U have mastered self bro.
NietzscheVoid: #Zarathustra scary shit bro. The void stares back.
Ok. . .so Marcus Aurelius would work though. . .
MAStoic: #RomanLegion Gd for the hive gd for the bee. Don’t be a bitch, sack up ffs and stop complaining
But they say that the social media is what you have to master to be a writer these days. You have to learn how to use those forms to build a following. I dunno but it seems at once a good opportunity and at the same time odd. It seems like as a writer you should divorce yourself from that kind of thing on one hand. Your writing should be more from the soul and not filtered by popularity. On the other, I like the little things in life like. . .being able to eat and buy gas for my car. . . .so. . . But I do wonder what writers I admire would have made of it.
EHemmingway: #depression Big animals not enough. Life sucks. Thinking of sucking on barrel
PoeRaven: #LilCousinL Pros – I <3 her and she is hotty. Cons – related and underage
BillyShakes: #EmoRomeo Dude if she likes all your pics she likes you, who cares who her family is? Tap that shit bro!
I know the social media is the key to getting your writing out there. I know I have to do it. I am just trying to find a way of doing it without feeling like I should be standing on a street corner shakin my ass for the attention.
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