|
Anxiety
|
Oct 4, 2008 11:28 am
5034 Views
|
|
I have always wanted to be a real pain whore. I seem to have finally found someone to take me up on it and I'm nervous. Its a strange sort of feeling, knowing that my pain limits will be pushed, and I've never actually reached my pain limits... nor do I want to. In a sense I feel like I've volunteered for a few hours of "hell". Next weekend is the date. I'll post a report here on how I feel afterward... * H *
|
|
|
2
Comments
|
|
|
Filthy receptacle
|
Aug 2, 2008 5:58 am
4516 Views
|
I know people hate long posts so here is the summary: Humiliation play frequently becomes disgusting. It doesnt have to. And if it does we dont have to actually DO it to enjoy it, nor do we have to run it up the flagpole in high profile public play.
What follows is an incident, and my response. A simple puff of air turned me into a filthy receptacle.
The other day I was in the cage at my favorite BDSM place. My Mistress was occupied by her other submissive and didnt have time to mind me, so in her ever-delightful way, had an announcement broadcast over the PA:
Anyone who wants can go over to the cage and humiliate Hildie.
This Black-haired beauty of a woman comes by with the enthusiasm of someone hurrying to be the first to pick up a $50 bill blowing around on the street.
Open your mouth!
I knew she wanted to spit in it.
Now, I was not about to do fluid exchange with a complete stranger. So I announced that I didnt have to cooperate. In my mind was the guy that lies on the floor and lets women hack up big viscous lugies and dribble them in his mouth. The thought of it turns my stomach, but, the IDEA of it is excites me. I was debating what I would do if my Mistress told me to comply. Would I comply. Fortunately I knew that she agreed with me and wouldnt ask that.
As I deliberated, the black haired lady hacked up a big one. I turned away as she spit at me, and I felt this puff of air on my shoulder as her spit landed on it. Its a feeling Ill never forget. It ignited a passion in me.
I talked to her about it afterward, hoping that this was some kind of fetish that she had. I wanted more, but I wanted to negotiate. She replied that she thinks its cool to have men be a receptacle, but it wasnt a burning desire.
Well, its become MY burning desire. The feeling of her breath on me as she spit is replaying in my mind. Something that I wouldnt give a moments thought to on my own, and I find kind of disgusting is the source of such excitement. What kind of woman would want to spit on ME. Who would like to make me into a filthy spittoon.
In my FANTASY, I am her to do whatever filthy thing she wants. ANYTHING. I want her ideas, I want to HEAR them. I want to make them just as CLOSE to reality as I can. --- and the key words are capitalized.
If something is just too disgusting to do, that shouldnt stop exploration. Talk is cheap, easy and fun, but it takes practice. Its not actually being her scum-bag that excites me, its the fact that she looks at me and thinks of me that way that makes it thrilling. I wonder how many other people are like me, and I wonder how many other enjoyable scenes are never done because of the pressure to always have to actually do what we fantasize about..
|
|
|
0
Comments
|
|
|
Penny for your thoughts.
|
Jul 21, 2008 4:40 am
4780 Views
|
I've become lazy, Its not unusual, Though, looking at other people's blogs, Alt. blog life begin with a flurry of activity, no doubt under the belief that the blog will be like a window to let people know what we're all about. Then we discover that the blog is no more the secret to finding intimate conversation than E-mail was.
So if you are out there, who ever you are, give me a reply. Say anything. Tell me I'm a delusional dirty-old-man slut; I'm into humiliation, its OK. Or tell me that you share my feelings.
Penny for your thoughts.
|
|
|
1
comment
|
|
|
"Pony Play" discoveries
|
Mar 1, 2008 4:33 pm
4954 Views
|
[My Mistress enjoys a rather strange part of the BDSM spectrum known as pony play. Thats where the subs get tack designed for humans and assume an animal persona of varying degrees of authenticity. Some people do theatre, and make it a dance show, some take their animal roles literal and behave as horses. Doms are trainers, handlers or groomers; roles that they can assume with or without being actual owners.
Being a door mat submissive, it was my job to play the part of the animal for her. I had played the part of a dog, a pig, and even, unfortunately, the Easter Bunny for other people, so this was just another assignment. I couldn't make a good horse noise, but can do a great Donkey brey, so I became a mule. Human animal play appeals to me because it involves elements of humiliation, objectification and exhibitionism, all big elements of my attraction to the BDSM scene.
I discovered quite a bit about myself, more than I want to say in this post, so I'll save some for my next post. For now let me say that I now have a love for pony play. I take my animal persona seriously, so as a mule, I don't talk, and I become totally dependent on my Mistress for everything. Most of all, animals are not masochistic, so I don't abuse myself. I'll comment on this in my next post, but for now let me say that for the first time my Mistress and I connected in a way that isn't based on pain and humiliation. Even though the role is based on objectification, I actually have a sense of pride and dedication that I don't have in my normal BDSM persona, and it feel really good for both of us!
|
|
|
1
comment
|
|
|
Why Humiliation
|
Jan 31, 2008 5:02 pm
4662 Views
|
Excuse me for getting psychological here, but as far as I can tell, humiliation appeals to me because I'm getting pleasure from my shortcomings. All my life I've felt like a deformed freak. As soon as I tell people my fantasies, most of them just sort of back away with those "Oh my god what a perv" type looks. I'm normal looking on the outside, but inside I feel deformed every bit as much as if I were the Elephant Man. Im not ashamed of it. I watch all the other people succumb to the tyranny of peer pressure by the vanilla straight-laced victorian anti-sex, anti-fun value system that we seem so fond of in this country.
One day I just said FUCK THIS If Im going to be rejected anyway, then why not emphasize all of the sleaziest, slutiest things that Im being put down for. I then discovered that for the small price of enduring some temporary humiliation from the people who wouldnt want to associate with me anyway, I could find some of the most beautiful caring friends that you would ever want to have. These are the people who look past the dehumanization and see that I am a human being with value. They enjoy taking me up on humiliation because inside, they believe in the same enlightened sexuality that I do.
Of course, one might wonder why I should choose humiliation, rather than some more traditional type of support group for my sexual kink. I think the answer is that my desires are somewhat embarrassing. I am submissive and proud of it, but sometimes I look with envy at the movers and shakers in this world. Being humiliated is perhaps a symbol of my status in society, and finding someone who values me in spite of that is what is really going on. The more I am humiliated, the more I believe that I have value, because my friends still accept me. Its a good feeling. Who could ask for more.
|
|
|
0
Comments
|
|
|
Humiliation workshop
|
Dec 29, 2007 1:30 pm
4728 Views
|
With New Years coming up, its about time for me to work on my resolutions. This year I've decided to finally finish a short class on my favorite topic: Humiliation. To do the job that I want to, I need to interview quite a few people, and see if I can get some one-on-one edge play humiliation. I mostly do public scenes, and only once or twice did any private play with a single person. So, any of you Blog readers who want to explore, please, PLEASE send me a note, or a comment. Photo: One of my Humiliation routines: fuck everything in sight. Here I am at a friends farmhouse fucking a bail of hay. Very uncomfortable indeed, especially because I was expecting snakes and mice to come out of the woodwork at any second. That would have made a great photo op. * H *
|
|
|
0
Comments
|
|
|
Slutty behavior and risks
|
Nov 21, 2007 3:35 pm
4728 Views
|
|
Its getting harder for me to manage my safe sex slut goals. I've cultivated the reputation of being a doormat pain slut, and I'm getting lots of things done to me: Needles, Fire Play, heavy caning, single tails, etc. I'm trying to stay safe, and I am MOSTLY safe, but sometimes I feel out of control. There is a big BDSM event next week. I plan to get my own single tail, and vampire gloves so people won't use their own on me. But still, its just so hard to resist just being abused by anyone and everyone.
|
|
|
0
Comments
|
|
|
Masochism and Injuries
|
Nov 4, 2007 2:35 pm
4692 Views
|
Last night at a party I was telling someone who only only recently got into the scene how I like to get injured (and I'm not just talking about in the scene, but also out there in real life). I rarely tell people this, because it sounds worrisome, but it gave me a real buzz seeing him react. On the way home I was wondering if it was really true, and I couldn't think of a single time that I was hurt (as in an injury that caused pain for a week or more) that I didn't get a masochist's pleasure from it. Do other subs feel this way?? Don't worry, it is strictly opportunistic, I'm usually quite cautious and am not carelessly doing dangerous things. Its just that when I do have some mishap, I usually make the most of it. Curiously, its not even restricted to physical injury. There was even one time I had a bad sinus infection, when I was on travel in Canada. The doctor there said that I should get back to the States, and said I would soon feel like a horse kicked me in the head. He was right. It wasn't like a Migraine headache, but more like a physical pain of getting hit.... and I liked that. (I never liked migraine headaches though, I probably because they are worsened by just about everything I do, so they prevent me from otherwise enjoying life.)
Well, now I've told everyone... of course things have a way of hiding in all these posts, so I'll have many more people to astound in the future. * H *
|
|
|
0
Comments
|
|
|
Crying: A masochist's orgasm?
|
Nov 2, 2007 8:51 am
4937 Views
|
Last week, at a BDSM Halloween party I tried to use crying as a safe word. I wanted to be beat till I cried. It didn't quite work out. Every time I got close to tears, my body language told the tops to let up (there were two). When they let up the tears seemed to disappear. I was in too much pain to ask for more and my body was fighting me every way it could. The tops were reading this body language to gauge their intensity.
It suddenly occurred to me that crying, like an orgasm, is something that is not under your conscience control. I would just pray that I could cry and put a stop to the pain, but I couldn't. At times I was close, but then the tops would let up and I would loose the feeling and be returned to square one. Then I would have to endure all that pain to get back to where I was, with no guarantee that I would ever be able to bring tears.
It's just like when having difficulty with an orgasm. You get close, but then a self-consciousness thought enters your head and, "Poof" feeling gone, no orgasm, back to square one.
It's curious how I equate crying as a kind of masochist's orgasm. Its the ultimate in humility, its my body pleading for mercy on its own. Its not sexual, but there is a certain pleasure in it. Its the same pleasure that compels some people to see sad movies. It's our body crying our for compassion, and begging for some kind of love.
The trouble is that its not really sexual, and not clearly seen as fun. This makes for a difficult scene, for everyone, top, bottom, and on onlookers. I'm still trying to perfect it.
|
|
|
0
Comments
|
|
|
Sex and BDSM public play
|
Sep 29, 2007 5:58 am
4756 Views
|
A rebellion was brewing on the night that I met with a small group of friends in a low-key party the last month. Sex is more than just fucking, its sensual play, masturbation, lust. The one thing that distinguishes it is that it is about pleasure. Whenever this group gets together its a BDSM/sex mix all night.
Late that night, with the action done, the "pillow talk" turned to the public BDSM scene. Why aren't there more sex scenes. If there are, there is a distinct double standard, with female orgasm favored and males covered or flacid. And, of course, there is the fairly frequent outrage of someone, upon seeing a submissive's sexual pleasure, making a remark that the sub is "enjoying this too much". Is this a trend, or some kind of a fashion?
So we decided to try to resist it and focus on pleasure in public. But Hey, I'm just an Omega-submissive. (Google Omega wolf for a reference) I'll need to find help from the tops. [/SIZE
|
|
|
0
Comments
|
|
To link to this blog (Hildiesub) use [blog Hildiesub] in your messages.
|
|
|
| Sun |
Mon |
Tue |
Wed |
Thu |
Fri |
Sat |
| |
|
|
1
|
2
|
3
|
41
|
5
|
6
|
7
|
8
|
9
|
10
|
11
|
12
|
13
|
14
|
15
|
16
|
17
|
18
|
19
|
20
|
21
|
22
|
23
|
24
|
25
|
26
|
27
|
28
|
29
|
30
|
31
|
|
Most Recent Comments by Others
|
