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watch outs
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May 24, 2012 10:39 am
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I saw 139.4 this morning. I had an excellent week at work. I even got to see Daddy on Sunday so all in all I should be happy. Instead I have this nagging voice in my head that says watch out. Daddy and I are not a couple at this point. He implied that if I was to lose the weight he would be more attracted. In some ways, he's been more responsive to me. In some ways, I feel closed off from him.
Daddy makes time for things that are important to him. I see it. He makes time to go to friend's parties, gatherings, gigs, openings etc. He makes time to allow people to stay at his place. He makes time to write people on his iphone in my presence. Even talk to them on the phone. It doesn't bother me that he does that but I often wonder when will he make time for me in his life.
Sunday he made time for me but he also pointed out that there were other places that he wanted to be. My big problem is that I like to sleep over and while it worked out that I didn't on Sunday I would like to know that I will be able to at some point. I can't bring him fame or fortune. I can only bring love.
For Daddy, I don't know if he is open to love in his life. I sometimes feel like the door slams shut on me when I leave. It's like the air gets sucked out of me. I start to feel anxious about things. That little voice in my head starts going and I start analyzing. Why did he say or do this or that?
I've been on that limb for years. Always with the anticipation that he will be in a better place or me. Right now we both are in a good place. If he wants to be with me he will. If he doesn't he will keep finding excuses however lame. I am willing to fight for Daddy but not destroy my soul. So I carry on with the task and wait for him to say I love you.
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"punishment" for not meeting goal
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May 21, 2012 9:42 am
1585 Views
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I had worn a new dress that I had bought before I lost the weight. It was to encourage me to get into it. It was a size small and I loved the cut and look of it. I had no bra or underwear. Daddy hadn't asked but I know he likes that.
I showed up. Daddy said he hadn't been feeling well. Reality was that he also has stopped drinking and is lifting weights again and Saturday night went to a private party with some old time friends. He had a few drinks and when you don't drink that doesn't set well. By evening he was feeling better and had said I could come over.
He smiled when I arrived. Daddy isn't much for smiling when he is in Dom mode. He immediately complimented me on how I look like a totally new person. I took off my shoes and he liked my dress. Then slipped that off me too. He took my hand and lead me into the living room.
He told me that I would have to be punished for cheating to get over to his before my goal. I couldn't help but smile and he smiled too. I was happy because I wasn't sure if we were going to play or just have sex. I tried to hide my smile and be serious but i was so excited.
He brought me to the couch and had me lay across his lap. He used his hand to spank me and he knows that I LOVE that. Love love love. I reached down and caressed his leg as he spanked my ass so hard. This is where I belong. He started fingering my cunt inbetween the spanks and I went from wet to drenched in a couple of swats.
He then took a slapper thing and started hitting my ass with that. It stung so nice and I about jumped out of my skin. He pushed me down as I wiggled and hit me several more times with this stinging beast. He had me stand up and spread my legs. He proceeded to flog my tits and cunt.
I was dripping wet by that point. I'm so easy. He then tells me to bend over and I comply. I feel him put lube on my asshole. He then takes this rather large butt plug and starts fucking me with it until he feels my ass yielding. I try to relax my asshole to accept this because I know it is not going in.
He twists it and pushes deeper. I'm moaning and just breathing to let it in. Deeper and another twist. It seemed huge and I tried to concentrate on accepting it. Finally he feels I've gotten open enough and he then gives a push past the widest part of the plug. I gasp as I feel it fill me up.
Stand up, he tells me. He brings me to the ottoman covered in a towel. Sit down he points at it. I sit on this and I feel it all up inside me. He tells me to cum for him and I proceed to masturbate with my legs spread looking like a real whore as bounce on my ass.
I see him remove his clothes and his cock is bulging in his underwear. I'm hungry for it. He pulls out his cock and I am enjoying looking at it. I ask him if I can suck it and he says yes. I am now rubbing my clit, bouncing on the butt plug and sucking his cock.
My spit is everywhere and I am loving tasting him. He asks if my clit is broken. I'm confused then I realize I haven't cum yet. I have been having a hard time cumming. I put my hand down to my slit and take some of my juices and just start going at my clit with my piercing. I rub until I finally cum.
At some point, I cum again and I swear Daddy's cock is so great. I gag on it now and then and he even puts his hand there to keep it down my throat. Yum. Does a couple of thrusts and I slobber even more. I think the butt plug came out at that point but it was still in my ass just not the biggest part.
i worship Daddy's cock for awhile and I cum several more times. It's getting easier. Daddy steps away and grabs a blindfold. He tells me to stand up and I tell him that the butt plug has come out. He leaves it there and leads me to the bathroom. I always get nervous walking blindfolded.
He holds my hand and manuveors me around the doors and such. I know I'm where he wants me as he pulls my hand up and starts to tie me to the bar. What occurs next makes me wonder why that bar hasn't pulled the whole building down as I thrash about. Ah but that story is for another day.
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ahhhhh
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May 20, 2012 10:35 pm
1784 Views
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Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.
I needed that.
Time to face the week. I'm feeling so tired. I wonder why? Could be all that fun. Damn I love that man. I even got him to fall asleep for awhile but I had to go home since I have a busy week ahead. I'm feeling good. I smell sex. Nothing like a wiggling tied up submissive thrashing about. Did I mention that I love that piercing? Damn it is out of control when he does the same things he used too... I just can't handle it and I am jumping out of my skin when it happens. He loved my progress. I hope that means I see more of him. We'll see.
Nighty night.
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bending the rules
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May 19, 2012 12:49 pm
2195 Views
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I had a miserable day yesterday. I mean I've had worse but I was so hoping to wake up in the morning and see a weight drop. I have been running around like crazy and I can't be sure what the problem is. I have to go for a bike ride now but I wanted to write about how hard this is for me.
I almost started bawling when I saw the 142.8 again. over 2 weeks or so that I have not dropped. Sure I gave in to the fact I had my period but I thought for sure this week I would be down those 2 fucking pounds. I worked out like crazy and yet nothing. I did eat out so I couldn't control my food but I ordered fish and stayed away from carbs. Had sides of vegetables.
So when I saw that number I just about lost it. I told Daddy how upset I was about this whole thing. I mean really I am devastated because not losing that weight means not seeing Daddy. I had sent him pics and hadn't heard from him back. I was so sad. He immediately wrote me back and said we can bend the rules. I felt like a breathe of fresh air.
I am now hoping to see him tomorrow. He wrote that I have lost perspective on how far I have come and how fantastic I look. I don't know. He had said that he would be chasing me. I don't feel chased so I feel like I am not where I need to be. I am so confused. I woke up today to 142 but it isn't moving beyond that fucking 142. I swear I am going to lose it.
I sat and watched my friends drink and eat last night. I had the grilled bronzino and a side of asparagus with club soda. They are getting used to the fact that I am not drinking. Joked and asked if that meant I was pregnant. Well I hope not because I would be gaining weight not losing. Anyway here is to hoping that tomorrow I get to spend some time with Daddy. Unfortunately I am not available on Monday due to a business trip so I am hoping he is available tomorrow night. Fingers crossed and toes.
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encouragement
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May 15, 2012 10:05 pm
2846 Views
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i was feeling pretty down today about my weight loss. I had been traveling and eating out. I tried to be healthy. Still no alcohol. My trainer mentioned she was on three years no alcohol. I did though have sweets. I only had bites of them but it still seemed to mess with my weight loss. Ugh.
I also am not happy that my body is not tight with all this working out I am doing. So I wrote Daddy upset. He told me that it took years to put it on and it is coming off fast leaving me with a looseness that will eventually tighten up. I hope he is right.
Then he encouraged me with a game so I made a few photos for him. Funny thing is that my tits are saggy which I had complained about and he told me to tie them up. I remember once Daddy trying to tie my tits and they were so big that the rope kept slipping off. I was easily able to tie them today.
It was fun to do and I am glad Daddy wants to see more of me. He is encouraging me to be more excited about all these changes. I can say that I am lucky to be able to afford to do these things too. It's been an expensive endeavor also. The training sessions alone are not cheap.
Then I also grew out of all my clothes. I was swimming last week in my clothes so had to buy some new things. I spent a lot of money on that and I know I am still changing but I couldn't do the work clothes hanging off me like clown pants. Dress for success will be getting a nice donation from me.
I did also buy workout clothes and a bike. Funny thing I bought new sneakers. I then brought them to my mom's house for mother's day. When we switched cars, one of the sneakers fell out of the car. It went missing for hours even after I had gone back looking for it. I went back a second time and it was sitting in the parking lot with a little smudge from being run over.
I wondered if it went for a run or what hijinks it had gotten into while it was missing for those 4 hours. Fortunately I can still wear them. I'm hoping that I can tighten this body up. I did get into size 4 items but was mostly a size 6 down from a 10. I skipped over 8 wearing those belts that no longer fit either and the pants that didn't look good anymore.
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books and acceptance
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May 9, 2012 8:22 pm
5711 Views
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So now I have two other friends that are into this "shades of Grey" thing. They haven't read it but one gave the other the book for her birthday. I'm beginning to think the world is all upside down. What happen to the days where one friend said to me just around the time I started seeing Daddy that there was a freak of a college roommate that liked to be spanked. Now I am surprised by all of this since quite honestly I have always felt different than my friends when it came to men.
I'm thinking what is in this book? Why would 3 different people that are not into bdsm, two married with children all be into this book? Of course the one did tell me that she disliked the main characters. I don't get it. Anyway maybe it will help me have a dialogue with them about what it is that I have with Daddy. I personally am not going to say anything about Daddy to them until he and I are a couple.
I think it is all titilation. They also liked that book hunger games which I haven't read. I had a friend tell me it was an awful book too. Then there is the dragon tattoo books that I haven't read. I heard there were three in it and I was just not interested after that. I'm reading Umberto Eco Baudolino right now. Just finished a great book called outliers. I guess I am just on a different reading schedule.
It gives me hope that people may be more open minded than I realized to my lifestyle choice. I saw what happened in NC. I wasn't surprised. The only reason my family there was against it was because they have gay relatives. 73% of the people in their county voted for it. I don't see it being a very friendly place but then again California did prop eight so what is the difference.
I saw meet the press this weekend with Joe Biden. I was impressed with what he said not just about gay marriage but overall. He mentioned that when you meet people that are gay and see they are families with children you stop seeing them as being different and see them as needing the same rights as others. That's happened in my family. They know people who are gay and they love them and know they deserve the same rights.
I saw this on a website for sale. All these things make me go hmmm.
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Last time
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May 8, 2012 11:14 am
6690 Views
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Daddy has a lot of toys from over the years. Some he's bought just for me. I've noticed that some have gotten older too. He's like a big kid sometimes. I know the drill as soon as I enter his apartment I get naked. Last time because I hadn't lost the 0.5 lb, I had to wear a butt plug to his house. I took a cab to the subway and overpaid the driver because I was delirious with this butt plug.
I was so worried it was going to fall out that I put two underwears on. When I showed up I had fixed a present for Daddy so we were sidetracked with that for a moment. Almost vanilla for two minutes. As he was taking care of that I started taking off my clothes. He came over and hug and kissed me. He tried to undo my bra but had trouble with the clasp.
I finally was naked and he looked me over. I could feel his eyes looking over my body as his hand touched certain parts. Better he said. Much better but you still have more to do. I was glad he was pleased with my progress. He lead me into the living room. I always feel like someone can see thruogh his windows even if they can't.
I'm to the side of the couch and he has me bend over from the waist. He's still looking me over when he begins to flog me with this nylon flogger that stung. He asks me how I could have let myself go. He even nips a little at my pussy but he seems to be being careful knowing I have a piercing. I keep telling him that my pussy can take more than my tits but he seems to love torturing those tits more.
My butt plug is still in my ass as he comes around to my mouth and starts fucking my mouth with his cock as he flogs my ass. I'm super turned on by this. Finally he gags me with his cock and the butt plug goes flying out my ass as my body convulses. I'm still half bent and I realize how easy I am able to hold this position from working out.
After he fucks my mouth for awhile he brings me over to the ottoman that has a towel on it. I sit down as he proceeds to attach the clothespins to my pussy. This was what I had asked for. I gasp at each one and love the rush I feel from them. He pushes me back and my arms are on the groung holding me up and I look rather sexy in this position as he continues to attach clothespins.
Then he takes out nipple clamps. Dastardly nipple clamps. My love hate relationship with those things. He asks me to pull out my nipple for these. They have a screw on them so he needs me to hold them while he screws down the clamp. I comply until he then tells me he will take care of it on his own. Then he proceeds to pull on my nipples and pinch them until he secures the clamps on.
I must look a site with clothespins lining both my pussy lips and these nipples clamps when he tells me to cum for him. I'm dazed. I get confused when I am with him like I can't think straight at all and I think he means for me to get up and come to him. I stand up and the one clothespin pinches my lip hard and flies off from me trying to sit up.
Then i realize he wants me to cum for him. So i lay back down across the ottoman and masturbate while he watches me. This embarasses and arouses the fuck out of me. I cum so easily seeing him knowing he knows who I am. His little fucktoy. He comes over and starts fingering me. I had asked for this because I love his hands. I usually only masturbating rubbing my clit. He's got his fingers in my cunt and it is so tight. Too tight.
I love that he is clothed and I am naked. He continues as he removes the clothespins. I jumped at their removal. I do love them. He is now fingerfucking me but it hurts. I'm so tight. I look at him and ask him if he has a finger in there. He's so close to my face and I want to kiss him. He tells me he does and I mention how I can't get over how tight I am. He gets me to cum again.
Now I get to blow him for awhile. After I worship his cock for some time, he stands me up and puts a blindfold on me and then a bit in my mouth. He leads me down the hall into his bedroom. I am shaking nervously. This is where it gets more intense as he has a place to string me up.
I'm holding his hand and I love that. It makes me feel so little when I hold his hand. It's my favorite. When we get to the bedroom, he proceeds to use a silk tie to tie me to his bar that hangs me up and open for his use. This is when it all gets blurry and is hard to write about how I love when he does this to me.
I'm squirming and drooling as he works over my body with tools of pleasure and pain. At some points I'm thrashing about and he secures me against his body so that I can't go anywhere as he assaults me. I've cum and then I've cum again. My cunt is dripping and swollen. Shocks and vibrators. It can't help but get greedy and it's at the point of exhaustion that Daddy finally decides to release me.
I'm taken down and thrown bent over against the bed. Daddy is really into it now and I am just a rag doll waiting for him to use me anyway he wants. I get so horned up that I love everything he does here. He sticks his cock deep into my wet swollen cunt and I feel it up against my cervix. He's pounding me hard pulling my shoulders back on to him. He tells me that I'm a fat slut and it's hard to get into my asshole with all my fat.
He throws me over the bed and sticks my legs over my head. Now he can get to my ass he tells me and I am so turned on by this that I am begging him to fuck me. He begins to stick his cock in my ass and it is too big for there. I had trouble with the pussy because I think I have gotten tighter even inside. He manuevours it a couple ways until he finally does get his cock into my hole.
It hurts and he slowly eases it in until i finally relax and accept this large hard tool in my ass. Once I release and accept my position, he starts to use my asshole and rides it hard. The drool still running down from the bit. The blindfold still on and he pushes my legs up and over to get even deeper. I'm delirious loving every minute of this. I am holding my legs up begging him to fuck my ass but also pushing a bit back with my hand since he was taking it so hard.
It was hot and finally he came. I don't know how many times I came that evening. I just know it was a lot. I was sated. He took the bit out and I didn't even mind that my lips were a bit torn. I snuggled up into his arms as he cuddled me. Damn I miss that man. 3.8 lbs. I wonder what will happen the next time. I will be down 22 lbs so I will be even more sexy. I know after that will be 27 lbs. I'm hoping to be sickeningly hot.
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cock worship
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May 8, 2012 10:37 am
6586 Views
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Like I thought I am stagnant this week. It's funny I lost 4 lbs last week. I didn't even do anything ramped up. So I realized that weight loss is not an even steady thing it has ups and downs. I'm sort of wishing it would go faster but it has only been 2.2 months. I'm almost down 20 lbs. When I hit 22, I get to see Daddy.
It's a big motivator. I keep seeing myself on my knees with his cock in my mouth. He's on the couch stretched out with his arms back and not even looking at me. He's so relaxed and I am slobbering all over him. I'm getting his cock nice and deep in my throat and then licking down to his balls. I enjoy rimming Daddy too.
I'm down there for some time. I know because my knees start to ache and I shift. He looks down. He staring at me now so I look down. I put even more effort in knowing he is watching. He touches my hair softly. He asks me if I am serious about losing weight. I have his cock half in and out of my mouth as I tell him yes I am serious. Really serious? he asks as I had resumed sucking his cock. I now look him straight in the eyes with the tip of his cock in my mouth. Very serious Daddy as I lick the tip.
He seems pleased and I continue to worship Daddy's cock. He is watching and then asks do you know what is going to happen when you lose the weight? My head is swimming. Is he going to make me his? Marry me? I don't know what to say. All these thoughts running through my head and I take a while to look back up and say no... what is going to happen?
He just watches and doesn't answer at first. Then he says all these men are going to be chasing you. I ask will you be chasing me and he said yes. I say that's all that matters. Then I tell him that men already chase me. And then I am back to sucking his cock with my spit all over. I know he was thinking what I was thinking. I think it would have been romantic way to say he'd marry me with me on my knees worshipping his cock. Ah that would be the right way for us.
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Calming down
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May 6, 2012 10:15 pm
6862 Views
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Well I have gotten myself back under control for now. It is difficult and I hope he knows how hard it is for me to bring my anxiety back in line. I told him that I don't want to bury my feelings. I also don't want to overload him with my issues when he has things going on. I'm jealous of people that get his time. Silly girl. I get to have that part of him that no one else gets. I get to know him. I like him. I like who he is and I worship that man.
Sometimes if you notice some religious people they are fervent. Almost a bit crazy. They can't seem to make their lives work without holding on to a "god". They fill up all moments of their life with thoughts of that "god". Other religious people fill their lives with life. They have a joy about them instead of a fever of craziness. Someone like Sister Theresa or the Dali Llama have that joy. That peacefulness of knowing without having to be crazed.
I have been thnking about my actions and how they are like those people that annoy the fuck out of me. I certainly want to be like those people that are at peace with themselves. If Daddy and I wind up together I will be the most joyous person on the planet but if we don't wind up together I want to also be a joyous person. I've come to embrace more of this. It calms me when I feel a bit nervous or worried or needy.
I will have all I need in the end. Making Daddy crazy by wanting so much is not the path forward. I have a task. I am going to complete it. Another weekend where I held strong. No alcohol but I did have cake. Two special occassions. I made sure I walked extra because of it. Back with the trainer tomorrow. The guitar was fun tonight and I dare say I am getting better.
What a weekend. Back to work and whatever happens happens. Life unfolds for me the way it is suppose to. I believe in that.
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Put a pin in me
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May 4, 2012 9:55 pm
7950 Views
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I'm having a lot of anxiety this week. Work is exploding and I am trying to keep on my weight loss track. I felt a bit out of control and maybe annoyed Daddy because of it. He didn't say. I did lose more weight and am down to 143. I put on my clothes and they are too loose but it's funny. I am fitting in some clothes that I had from some time ago. I have a few items that I wore years ago with an ex. One actually fit but I remember it being loose on me at the time. The other was super tight.
I've got over 3 more pounds to lose. Daddy said it was very impressive and that I must look and feel like a whole new person. I instead got upset with him over something really petty. Now I'm overanalyzing. Anxious and overanalyzing. He has a friend that is coming for a visit. Ugh. I can't stand these people. It pisses me off how he is like a rotating place but I wonder if I am more to his liking will I be able to stay at his place and meet these people. Will he accept me into his life as a girlfriend?
I got jealous. I admit it. I am jealous that he spends time with other people than with me. I am not sure what he is doing. He isn't telling me things. He knows that drives me crazy. I have my task. He says a little here and there but he won't commit and that is making me crazy. I know I get more anxious before my period so I am trying to let go of these thoughts.
Reality is I have to lay off now because I know I am getting annoying. I have to complete my task and that won't be for two more weeks. He reduced the next goal. I asked for a reward but he never acknowledged it. I am making myself go crazy and I need to relax. He's pleased but I want things to happen quicker. I want everythign to change overnight.
That isn't going to happen. He'll be pleased when he sees me. I have to find something sexy to wear. My trainer says that I am getting really small. Even my workout clothes are falling off me. I am waiting to shop until I get down that next 10 pounds but I can't go around naked. I have a lot of clothes to donate. I am frustrated not seeing him. I think he is refraining from writing me because I have gone off the deep end this week.
I told him to put a pin in me. I explained some things going on in my life that are causing these fears. Next week I will probably know more. I don't know. All these things are making me nervous. I shouldn't be worried. I told him that my fears going on around my job are spilling into him and I and that I need to have something to deflate me.
I wonder if he will really put a pin in me. He used to live with an acupuncutrist. He's done that to her. I told him when I met him no needles. I have a huge fear of them. Then I go and write him put a pin in me.Funny girl.
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