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Rabbi in Training Jones shares a delightful midrash.
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Jan 27, 2009 2:37 pm
5884 Views
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It is said that a Roman woman asked a rabbi, if your G-d created the universe in six days, then what has he been doing with his time since then? The rabbi said that G-d has been arranging marriages. The Roman woman scoffed at this, saying that arranging marriages was a simple task, but the rabbi assured her that arranging marriages properly is as difficult as parting the Red Sea. To prove the rabbi wrong, the Roman woman went home and took a thousand male slaves and a thousand female slaves and matched them up in marriages. The next day, the slaves appeared before her, one with a cracked skull, another with a broken leg, another with his eye gouged out, all asking to be released from their marriages. The woman went back to the rabbi and said, "There is no god like your G-d, and your Torah is true."
Although I am already an ordained minister with
The Univeral Life Church of Modesto California,
_brie_ is Jewish and wants me to officiate
her Wedding, so I'm working on becoming a Rabbi.
I'm on day eleven of "How to be a Rabbi in 21 Days"
The things I do for _brie_.
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1
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I tasted the sin of triscuits mixed with the sin of Elizabeth`s flesh.
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Jan 26, 2009 5:48 pm
6435 Views
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I haven't had a triscuit all day.
In my weakened state I was unable to
resist Elizabeth. I agreed to let her
come over. She promised to bring
triscuits and do that we would
engage in flavored triscuit based
sexual acts. I felt both excited
and also disgusted with myself.
The allure of Elizabeth and flavored
triscuits was overwhelming to me,
nothing else mattered. She was my
Eve, the flavored triscuits her apple.
When Elizabeth arrived, I rushed to the
door. When I looked into her eyes, I
was like a deer caught in the headlights,
I was unable to look away. She took a
triscuit from the box and ate it, then
offered me her fingers to lick. I
tasted the sin of triscuits mixed with
the sin of Elizabeth's flesh.
She took another triscuit from the box,
my eyes still locked in her gaze,
she dropped it, and again offered me
her fingers. Then I her the crunch of
a triscuit being smashed. Elizabeth
ordered me to lick the crumbs off the
floor.
"My God what has this woman done
to me?"
I thought to myself as found myself
bending down to the floor to lick
up triscuit crumbs.
Then I saw them, and everything changed.
"What the fuck are you wearing?"
I exclaimed when I saw her fucking shoes.
It's one thing to demean and degrade me,
but it's over the line to do it in bad shoes.
"Bitch get the fuck out my house"
I told that tacky ass triscuit slut
with those hideous fucking shoes.
As she started to leave I said,
"Elizabeth wait,
those triscuits are staying here,
don't make me correct your ass,
just give them up smooth"
She handed me the triscuits, and
walked out the door.
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9
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Elizabeth is evil, she is my Mistress Triscuit.
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Jan 26, 2009 11:53 am
6337 Views
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I am a shell of my former self now,
my confidence destroyed, my dreams shattered.
I think back to when things started to go
wrong, and then I realized, it all started
with her, Elizabeth.
I first met Elizabeth back in July,
she is the receptionist/secretary/exhibitionist
at work. She seemed so innocent, so naive.
She was just being sweet when she first came
in my office to eat her lunch, saying she
wanted to eat lunch in peace, some place
where people weren't working and busy.
I thought she was just being nice when she
offered me a flavored triscuit. At first it
was just a triscuit here and there, then it
became her spreading her legs and flashing
me as she nibbled a triscuit during meetings.
She has me fixated on triscuits. Triscuits
arouse me now. I need triscuits to get turned
on. Every time I have been with her, triscuits
were involved. She said she wanted to come see
me tonight. I told her no. She said she had
triscuits. I asked what flavor, as if it
really mattered. She knows I cannot resist her
and her triscuits.
She is now my Mistress Triscuit,
and I am powerless before her.
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7
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Flavored Triscuits are destroying my life.
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Jan 25, 2009 8:08 pm
6380 Views
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I have to be honest, this triscuit
thing is out of hand. I'm doing
a box a day, by myself. I don't
want to share my triscuits with
anyone. I am making decisions
based on triscuits. I went to
Kroger today and there are a
new kind of triscuits called
triscuit crisps. I bought a
flavor called Quattro Formaggio
or something like that. I don't
even know what that is, animal,
vegetable, or mineral. I don't
care, it's triscuit. I've already
eaten the whole fucking box.
I'm fucking losing it man.
Time, time, time,
see what's become of me.
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7
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you have a better chance of getting hit by an airplane crossing the street. take two
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Jan 25, 2009 3:58 pm
6402 Views
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you have a better chance of getting
hit by an airplane crossing the street,
than being discovered because my blog
is visible on the Internet and you
left a comment.
Think about it. Someone you know is
going to do a search for Koolaid Jones,
then read every comment, recognize you
from the picture of your left nipple,
then go on a crusade to expose you
and ruin your life. Okay, sure.
There are millions of profiles on
alt, you have no idea who the fuck
they are.
All of my problems have always come
from people already on alt, seriously.
People bitch about discreet relationships,
but insist on discreet blogging.
Here's another newsflash.
"Vanilla" people are way more kinky
than you think. Just because some
guy cried when you asked him to
tie you up, doesn't mean all vanilla
guys are like that. It means you
used to date a pussy.
The only person who finds you so
controversial and extreme is you.
Safety clown (rina's favorite)
says there are somethings best
not discussed in a public forum.
It may be fun and exciting to
blog about how you want your
ass by twelve strangers,
but it's not a real good idea.
My blog is visible from the Internet
because I have friends that enjoy
reading it. They don't give a fuck
about alt, or exposing you, they
just like my blog.
Damn, I keep getting sidetracked.
I still need to write my manifesto
condemning the metric system.
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7
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The puppet likes long term financing, no payments until 2013 please.
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Jan 25, 2009 12:55 pm
6478 Views
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I was talking to my friend ZDKs_puppet
the other night about pyramids, long term financing,
and the end of the world.
for those of y'all who don't know the puppet by
name, you may have seen her web cam. She is
the chick who shows her ceiling fan on cam
all the time. She is the most non-slutty
web cam slut I have ever met.
She is gorgeous, but kind of shy.
Don't worry, I'll fix that.
We were talking about where ideas originated,
this is one of my favorite topics.
I have long held the view that any civilization
worth a damn, built a pyramid.
Then it hit me, maybe pyramids weren't that big
of a stunt to them. I mean the Egyptians left
tons of documentation about their religion and
other topics, but was pyramid construction
technique a major focus? Maybe it was no big deal
to them how they built them.
This all made me think, is a pyramid really that
impressive? Not so much creativity there.
You want to impress me, make a building
that rolls.
I want a building that is self-relocatable.
Like a big ball, now that, that would be
impressive.
The Mayans, they did the pyramid thing too.
Now before the Mayans disappeared they left
us one big message, the world ends in 2012.
The puppet and I think long term financing
is the way to go now. Balloon payments like
a motherfucker. I want to pay like twenty
dollars a month until 2013 then let my
payments blow up to like five grand a month.
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3
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I guess I need to spell it out for some of y`all, stop the whine-athon already.
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Jan 25, 2009 12:10 pm
6364 Views
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Arrogant? No, I am that good.
Self-absorbed? Yes, I'll admit to being self-absorbed.
I suggest you let it go already,
it's counterproductive.
If you didn't care, you would not
be writing so much about not caring.
The opposite of love is not hate,
it's indifference. If I was trivial,
you would be indifferent.
Either you do what I just told you to do,
or continue being hypocritical, saying
one thing, and doing another.
Damn, you're stuck.
Now hush all that crying, or I'll
actually put some effort into my
writing and really give you
something to cry about.
You never saw me coming did you?
Now just to be jackass,
no comments.
Fuck you, deal with it.
Go ahead and pretend
you aren't reading me,
we both know you are.
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To link to this blog (KoolAid_Jones) use [blog KoolAid_Jones] in your messages.
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