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Babygirls and submissives
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Mar 19, 2008 5:37 pm
1993 Views
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Its difficult to describe each as an individual character trait. Its like taking two pieces of clear cellophane and overlapping them, one blue and one yellow. Where they overlap is green. Essentially, all babygirls and submissives are basically green and the same is true with Daddies and Doms. You may consider yourself to be more bluish or yellowish than a 50/50 mix of green, but there is always a significant amount of both colors in your makeup.
Where the cellophane doesnt overlap you have a very close proximity to a more pure intent. Intent, because we are all really adults, and its our intent and choices that make us what we are.
A baby girl desires to and chooses to regress to a real or imaginary time of her life where she felt the most comfortable, the most protected and unconditionally loved. At times, she may exhibit the characteristics of someone that age. She can regress as far as a DB (diapered baby) or more usually to teens or preteens.
In most cases though, there is no real age, just a sense of a different time and place, perhaps a better time and place. Most fall into this definition, where age play is either an activity oriented place (fun place) or more simply a state of mind where the little girl feels unconditionally loved. There are no power exchange dynamics to speak of, and in some cases no BDSM or sexual activities either. No matter what, they are seeking a comfort zone. In similar fashion, dominants (Daddies) who enjoy this type of relationship tend to have a strong nurturing personality. They need that connection just as much as a sub does in order to feel complete.
A submissive enters into a consensual power exchange where there are more conditions placed on the relationship, one of them often being an involvement in BDSM activities and certainly sexual activities. You might also enter into some painful or humiliating play, by choice, which you would never do acting as as a pure babygirl or pure Daddy. Submissives are growing outwards, towards that secure place they seek and that place may not always be considered a pure safe haven. A submissives security is not always only found in receiving love, but an overwhelming desire to give love (usually in the form of service) They also have a desire to fulfill a need for proclivities of a sexual or stressful nature. Doms that are only interested in submissives or slaves have a greater need to fulfill themselves through power exchange and all that this implies.
It gets confusing because of the overlap and the way we deal with the two character traits. But we clearly recognize them. In dogs for example, my Dalmatian was the cutest little puppy even at 10 years of age (dog years). She was playful, spirited, sometimes naughty, but most of the time snuggled in my lap to be petted, Cute puppy. When she was out in the yard being humped by the neighbors Retriever, she was a bitch in heat.
If, in your relationship, you dont participate in sexual adventure and BDSM activities you have a pure Daddy/Adult lilgirl relationship. There are all kinds of websites that cater to this dynamic. If your focus is on power exchange with sex and BDSM activities involved, then you would be considered a pure submissive in a Dom/sub relationship.
The absolute polar opposites may exist, but behavioral observation suggests they are not that common. I would speculate to say that all submissives and babygirls have a bit of each other in their makeup. Most of us, to a greater or lesser degree, have a bit of both in us, so were best described as being in a Daddy/Dom-lilgirl/sub relationship. In other words, most of us are green.
We all, in our own way, are seeking peace, Dom/Dommes, submissives, BDSM slaves, Daddies, little girls, masochists and sadists (in the BDSM sense). Its a place where we can find acceptance, a place to belong, that for whatever reason seems to elude us in the vanilla world. These roles are choices we make, and are not entirely who we are.
We are mothers, fathers, businessmen, famous people and not so famous people. We are not just little girls, or Daddies, or submissives. What makes us different is the choices we make, and where we choose to look for our home. We may lean one way or another in our search for a relationship, but at our core, we want the same thing.
So, in the end there is not much difference between a Baby girl and a submissive. They seek the same thing, peace of mind, a place to belong, a home, a relationship inside which the can exercise their proclivities and satisfy their needs. Their activities may differ, their power exchange dynamics may differ, but they are both walking a similar path.
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A Series of Concentric Circles
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Mar 7, 2008 8:20 am
1886 Views
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Ive recently listened for a second time, to an interview on pod cast with a couple named Achilles and abi. I first heard it in 2005 and their understanding of the BDSM community struck me as a wonderful explanation of what we are about. They speak of their growth over the past five or so years as transversing a series of concentric circles, each circle taking you closer to some realization that there is a comfort center you will find for yourself. Each step towards this center deepens your field of trust, but at the same time, narrows your field of friends that you can share your level of play with.
Today, the cyber world provides the first circle, the introduction as it were. Quite often, and for good reasons, many folks stay there. But many begin to realize that some personal contact is important to keep whatever dynamic they are interested in
alive. So they progress to attending munches. Here they meet real people and see them for all their flaws and graces and begin to see that the BDSM dynamic is a bit more complicated then they first thought. A few more stop here, as others did at the first level, but some decide to try public events such as play parties. At first they simply watch and you will often notice someone take in their breath with a fuck, Id never do that only to see them six months later doing exactly that. Then, suddenly they get invited to a private play party, one still with broad play interests. Eventually they find themselves at private play parties that are concerned with specific types of play. They continue to move towards this center, a center they have come to realize, that is based on what they have learned to date and what they have come to learn they want to participate in. A center where they can indulge their particular needs to the fullest with a small group of people that share those needs.
Throughout this progression their level of trust towards specific people in the community evolves until they find themselves in a place where DMs are not necessary and mentors no longer required. They limit their contact with the more public community. Some folks, when they reach this level, will often cease visiting chat rooms or forums except on rare occasions. Their circle of truly trusted friends is now quite narrow. They have reached the final circle, the center of the concentric circles.
A special few though recognize the road they have been on and want to provide opportunities for people to start this journey. They organize munches, public fetish events and private parties. They give back to the community and in their own way have come full circle and see the road with all its side streets and stop signs.
Life, of course, doesnt always work exactly in this way. Its never static. The experienced players, that is, those who have worked towards the center of their world and have found a home, will sometimes visit a chat room of other RL players, get reacquainted with long forgotten friends, and develop new interests. They will show up at public fetish events from time to time to keep in touch with the broader community. In this way they grow and learn an ironic truth; there is No one center. Each person finds his or her own center(s) and will participate in more than one.
One fact will remain though, that from perhaps hundreds of possibilities they will narrow their trust to a handful of friends who share their specific interests, their center.
Their center(s) could be Daddy/Domlittle girl interests, or extreme play, perhaps it domestic slavery or a spanking fetish. Whether their interest is in one fetish, or a group of fetishes, their time will be spent with those limited private groups that feed these proclivities in real time, and in real life.
During this time well spent, this journey, they may get lucky. They may find someone to share this journey with them. They may get extremely lucky and find someone to love. This journey will bring them in contact with a lot of people. Real life D/s or M/s long-term relationships can be found on this road, if that is one of your interests. Keep your eyes open. The most unlikely people may fulfill your dreams.
There was a time when this progression was not readily or easily available to you. You had to know someone who knew someone else to get entry to this world, and you had to accept his or her rules. Not much of a choice. Today however, your choices are limitless. Each group and each circle will have some rules, but you can choose the circle whos rules or lack there of, agree with you. Then you can work towards the center, and those folks that share your specific interests.
From general curiosity to general play, and from general play to specific interests and play, that is the road. From on-line scening, you move to real public play and eventually to private specific play. That is the series of concentric circles. Where you stop and call home along that path is up to you. Im only showing you the road, not the stop signs. You owe no one an apology for finding your center along that road. In fact, you should be celebrated for finding the center of your circle, many of us never will.
I havent paraphrased Achilles and abis thoughts as well as they did themselves. Ive added some additional thinking towards the end. If you get the chance, listen to their pod casts on ehbc.
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Punishment, Discipline and Self-Refection, Forgiveness. Part 1 (definitions)
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Feb 24, 2008 1:45 pm
1795 Views
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Punishment, Discipline and self-Reflection and Forgiveness Part 1 (definitions)
I thought these things were self-evident, that people were self-aware enough to understand the real-life use of these concepts and the over lapping relationship between them. It seems though; the constant use of these concepts for on-line scenes has rendered them play tools for many people. Their use as tools for behavior modification seems to be becoming more limited every day. Its not that you shouldnt use punishment and discipline for fun and to spice things up (Ive been bad, Im going to get a whipping), but we tend to forget their more serious uses. Its this side of the coin I want to address.
Punishment:
Punishment is to subject a submissive to pain or loss or confinement, as a penalty for some offense. It is to make evident a dominants disapproval of violations or a refusal to obey the rules (implied or established) as determined by the nature of their D/s relationships, through the imposition of penalties. To punish, is chiefly to inflict penalty or pain. It is retribution for an offense with no real expectation of correction or improvement. This is the textbook definition of punishment. In real life, we hope that through punishment some behavior modification or repentance does occur, but that is not the raison detra behind punishment. It is mainly about retribution.
Discipline:
Discipline, is to bring a submissive to a state of order and obedience, to act in accordance with rules through instruction and by enforcing compliance. It is a training technique used to produce a specific character or pattern of behavior, especially moral or mental improvement. Its designed to bring on a state of order based on the submission to rules and authority, to teach to obey rules and accept authority and to punish in order to gain control or enforce obedience. TO DISCIPLINE is to give a kind of punishment that will educate or will establish useful habits.
Self-Reflection (Introspection):
It's the act of looking inward as in an examination of reasons, motives and actions behind behavior as a period or opportunity for reflection by both partners to ask themselves what the hell are they doing, what do they want to do going forwards, and are either one of them learning something?
Forgiveness:
The act of granting a pardon for the committing of an offense, to absolve a sub/slave for previous transgressions and to cease any feelings of resentment, to cancel out any further punishment or liability. Forgiveness is about absolving or acquitting a submissive for breaking the rules.
Punishment is about retribution and penalties.
Discipline is about training and teaching
Self-reflection is about Introspection.
Forgiveness is about absolution.
I know this all sounds academic and pedantic. Taking the time to understand what words mean is not very romantic or fun. For me though, I have to understand what Im doing and why Im doing it. If my own actions arent under control, how can I possibly lay claim to being a trainer or teacher? How can I lead? I can push, sure, but how can I lead? In my mind, its the difference between being A Dominant or a Top.
Im going to expand on this in my next blog by showing how theses concepts can be used in the maintenance of D/s relationships. Ill try to be less pedantic.
Love comes out of knowing who we are and what we want or need. It comes out of knowing who are partner is and what they want or need, both in a special relationship, but one that demands thought and of course thoughtfulness.
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Chocolate Coated Vanilla Relationships.
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Feb 6, 2008 3:19 pm
1911 Views
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Chocolate Coated Vanilla Relationships.
Where Is BDSM, D/s and M/s Headed?
Long term D/s relationships have a tendency to get diluted over time. This has as much to do with the contingencies that present themselves in our otherwise vanilla life as they do with a lack of focus that can occur as a relationship matures. New relationships in D/s suffer the same dilution of interests, partly because of the baggage they carried over from the vanilla world and party because of the rhetoric they are exposed to on-line in many forums and chat rooms where real life community and real life experiences have been marginalized.
What I am witnessing are essentially vanilla relationships topped with a bit of kinky play.
Many forums for example reflect this regardless of the posturing and rhetoric espoused by the forum owners. Strangely enough, forums run by submissives are not nearly as bad as the ones run by Dominants.
Of course there are the forum supporters; Dominants' who believe if they support the self-proclaimed alpha Dom who runs the room, they may get laid more often, and the subs who are too busy fantasizing or too narcissistic to ever experience reality.
Yes, Im old school. Does it show?
So how does one mitigate these forces, which through design, carelessness, or by accident are diluting D/s relationships? Big on my list are protocols and rituals. In the real D/s community, they help define who you are. They are crafted for different occasions or circumstances. When out in the vanilla community they are subtler, but always there in intent. In private they keep the dynamic and the play active.
For punishment, it is similar. For each infraction of the rules, mental or physical (corporal) punishment is used. Sometimes its simply some stern words, others its a slap across the face or a quick hard caning. For serious or deliberate actions, then mental punishment can be used such as the denial of time or activities, or not be allowed to serve your Dom. You would be surprised what taking away a collar for a week does to the psyche of a sub/slave. (But Im getting off track. Punishment is on the list for my next blog.)
No matter what you do, you or your partner may drift back to vanilla roots. If it works for you, great. If not, you might consider putting more D/s structure in your lives or simply become tops or bottoms and forget D/s.
Whether your relationship has shifted its focus or your searching for your first, structure in a D/s environment with appropriate punishment and discipline do actually help.
(As always, my comments are not meant to represent anyone but myself. What works for you, works. What works for me, works.)
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Humiliation Vs embarrassment/Dominance Vs sensation play
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Dec 20, 2007 12:08 am
1795 Views
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I've come to this understanding of humiliation play. It's embarrassing to be forced to do something in a public setting amoung strangers who you will likely never see again. Like being led through a mall on a leash or having truckers catch you on a crowded highway giving a blow job. But it's not humiliating! It could be fun, or it could be embarrassing. But, not humiliating.
Humiliating is to have the very definition of yourself as friends see you and you view yourself, exposed as false. If I can show you as something other, a submissive for example who is just a bottom, a sensation player, no more and doesn't have a clue or real interest about what submission is, but claims to be one...and I do this in front of your peers who come to agree with me...then that will be humiliation, especially if you have defined yourself as a submissive.
Bye the way, there is nothing wrong with being a sensation player. Some are that alone, sensation players. Some are both, sensation players who are submissive. Some of course only play at being submissive(This applies to Dominants as well) I see this in RL but to a greater extent on-line in chat rooms and forums.
I am both, a Dominant and a Top (but a better Dominant than Top). Some are better
Tops than Dominants. No judgment here, but you should know the difference. You should be able to define yourself to your peers and partners. Then ask yourself if it's really humiliation you seek or erotic embarrassment.
I get little joy out of humiliating someone, challanging someone as to who they think they are. Embarrassing someone, well that's a different story. Know the difference!
It's easier to be a bottom than a submissive or slave. It's easier to be a Top than being a Dominant. Know the difference! Some are good at both and more power to them. Some are not.
I write this because of an experience I had a couple of days ago. A bottom I've played with for a few years, the last month or so very regularly (while we were both between more serious partners) ended our relationship. She was a sensation player who wanted our relationship seen as a D/s one. She would position herself as a slave both to me and her peers. I responded as a Dominant, not simply as a Top. I believed her. This does not work well with a Dolcett slave (I didn't realize this) who's main focus is on very extreem play not a D/s relationship. I'm into fairly heavy play. so I think... Cutting, branding, some scarification. But she was into more than I could handle. The emotional play with a serious Dominant was not enough, she wanted a Dolcett Master, and she said she wanted serious humiliation. And she walked away. I sensed I failed her as a Top and as for a Dominant, I'm not sure she really wanted one.
Humiliation is really a Dominant thing not a Top thing, which I alluded to earlier. Although
I can handle some Dolcett activities (a few anyway) I can't do true humiliation. Embarrass yes, but to destroy someone's self image, the image she projects to friends, is beyond my current ability.
And so I come to this conclusion. True humiliation is about challanging one's identity amoungst peers. Embarrassment has a humourous edge to it and is transitory. It doesn't last. forever.
I suspect we'll play together again when the need arises. I'll have to step up my game a bit and she'll have to learn to be more submissive.
And so it goes. This is a lifestyle with conflicts associated with it. Some ask for humiliation (serious sensation in my book) and some ask for titillating embarrassment. Each to their own.
We learn from all those that enter our lives. We learn our limits and help others learn theirs. I'm beginning after 25 or so years to learn mine.
My thanks to a trained Gorean Red Silk kajira who taught me compassion, and a painslave who gave me her body to experiment on, and a new submissive to our lifestyle with whom I first learned to how to be a trainer (a person at least) and the Domme who showed me the protocols that have helped me be a better Dom. And a special thanks to the the one woman who said No to me and who reminded me that I could say No to her and we can still be friends.
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Father figures and Daddies
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Sep 17, 2007 8:23 am
1989 Views
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Father Figures and Daddies
I have posted here several times on how I view various aspects of the lifestyle. They are rather long posts and only of interest to those in the R/T community with some appreciation of protocols and rituals. The ideas in them were for practical application. This post is more theoretical and to help me better understand the nature of my own age play. .
I viewed a post in an age play forum from a young sub in the UK. She was inquiring about a Father figure as opposed to a Daddy. It made me think about how I positioned myself in the age play or role-play scene.
This is where Ill get flamed.
A Daddy role-plays in the moment. It is about the scene and in BDSM circles is mostly sexually charged. In other groups, it may not be. But, in all cases it is scene oriented. Although elements of Daddy/daughter play can carry through the entire relationship, it is limited in scope due too the contingencies of real life. Its hot, its fun and both parties find satisfaction in living this fantasy. (After All, you are not really a little girl and he is not really your Daddy.). There is nothing wrong in this and I dont want to imply there is. Ive played these scenes many times myself. They can be casual as in a one-night-stand, or occasionally interjected into other scenes or as part of a long-term relationship. There is sex, discipline, hot spanking etc and I enjoy that as many do.
A Father figure carries through the entire relationship. He is less about play and more about how he and his daughter relate to one another. He is a role model, someone to look up to, someone to teach, mentor, and give advice, listen, and consult. He is someone a sub/daughter can respect for his sagacity, knowledge and wisdom. Someone she trusts enough to confide in. He is someone who will not judge her, but will offer her guidance. In other words, A Father figure is less about the scene and more about the overall relationship.
Yes, there is a bit of semantics in all this. It is two aspects of the same age play dynamics. One aspect being in the action of the moment, the other addressing Non-sexual needs. I dont know how many times Ive met an age play sub for play and have spent the evening, with her on my knee
talking about her issues of the day.
This distinction is to clarify the two different aspects of the relationship. You can be and many times are both. Both roles contribute to the D/s dynamic.
My age play subs call me Daddy when were engaged in play and Sir when not. Im in the Father figure mode 24/7 but Daddy only during play. I rarely talk down to them and they rarely use baby talk, except if diaper play is involved. Other than that we speak as the adults we are.
Being a Father figure doesnt preclude BDSM play either. You are often in the position of training or teaching or simply engaging in BDSM activities for their own sake. Fathers do discipline, but not for play. Daddys like to discipline for play. The Father is the serious Dom. He exists in his submissive mind, all the time. The Daddy is the playful one and exists only in the scene.
A Daddy during age play is often catering to his little girls needs rather than his own. He is more often than not reacting to her outbursts, teasing and scheming to get her own way. Thats what little girls do. He may discipline her and think thats BDSM play, but in this context its not. When she is his little girl she is not necessarily submissive. She is growing towards independence. She challenges her Daddy and the dynamic is about fun. A Father figure realizes she is growing in many ways and may out grow him. She will never forget him. Daddies come and go. Fathers are forever. A child grows away from you; a sub grows closer to you.
In many ways, a Daddy is a player; a Father figure is the vanilla part of being a Master. Call it the responsible part of being a Master. Can one person be all three? The answer is yes. In a healthy D/s relationship they usually are. All Masters have a bit of the Father and Daddy in them; all submissives have a bit of inner Kid in them. A good Master knows the difference. He knows if his slave is mostly inner kid or mostly submissive. He moves effortlessly between his roles based on these needs and his own interests.
I look for comments here. As you can see Im struggling with defining the relationship, as it exists during play and as it exists outside of play. You may view things differently and add to my ever-continuing learning curve.
From the musings of an Old Dom
All things can be found. Depending on the spirit of the quest Joseph Conrad
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behaviour and Structure in a D/s environment
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Sep 12, 2007 3:56 pm
1889 Views
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(A few years ago I read a personals ad. It was headlined Seeking an Alpha Dominant. Curious, I wrote back, What is an Alpha Dominant? The reply I received was Someone who IS Dominant and not just thinks they are. It was somewhat of a gratuitous answer but made me reflect on my own history, my understanding of the recent history of D/s relationships, and how people define themselves in this environment. This is the genesis of the following essay.)
The military model is often used to explain the structure of D/s and M/s relationships. Were not talking here about BDSM activities, but rather the nature of the relationships.
Gay men, women and to some extent heterosexuals, unwilling to give up the relationships they enjoyed in the military with its rules, protocols, rituals and proceedures, carried their needs into the civilian world. This had as much to do with the need for structure as it did with sexual proclivities. Although our actions may differ from this model, our intent is the same
to show respect, indicate a willingness to obey or provide direction (lead) and to live within a community that understands these needs. This was manifested not only in conventional civilian life, as witnessed in 1950s households, but the nature of these relationships had a natural affinity for BDSM activities which have existed for eons. Although the Marquis de Sade defined through action BDSM in the late 1700s, it never really impacted the public consciousness until the 1940s and 1950s. Coupled with the desire and need for structure we had the beginnings of the community as we see it today, a community of shared interests. Since then, interest in this has grown exponentially.
We cant escape the military model and its influence on the need for structure. We witness these things at every fetish event and for many in the privacy of their own homes.
The outfits we wear, the patches, the way we address people, our posture, the way we stand, or even where we stand. Some may argue that because these protocols differ from community to community
even between partnerships, they do not reflect a universal model and therefore pointless to learn or teach them. That attitude is well reflected in the cyber world. The fact that we do them at all though is the point. They support the dynamics of our community in the same way they support the dynamics of D/s relationships.
Its worth noting at this point that not all Gays, lesbians and heterosexuals involved in D/s relationships are in fact involved in BDSM activities. It was however the Gay and Lesbian community of that period that were involved in BDSM and D/s that provided all of us with some of the structure, rules and protocols many of us use today. These may differ somewhat from group to group, but they are still there in intent.
Having said this, even in the 1970s it was still difficult to find outlets and partners for these activities, and there was a clear need for such. If you were fortunate, you found someone to nurture your interests and found underground groups to share your thoughts with. Rules, protocol, physical posturing, were used to define your role and your behavior by reflecting your inclinations and thus helping compatible partners find you. You were often taught and trained in these actions by others. We referred to these folks as mentors, Dominant and submissive alike. We displayed visible signs of respect for those that taught and guided us and who have shown us respect in return. Dominants sometimes called another Dominant Sir or Mam. A submissive sometimes showed their appreciation for another submissive saying the same or displaying a more demure attitude when in their presence. It does not mean they saw themselves as submissive to that person. It simply reflected their level of development and respect for that person that was mentoring them or to others with greater knowledge. To a lesser extent, this is seen today in the real life community and certainly within many high protocol groups. But, it is fading fast.
(To this day, at an event reguiring some formality, I will greet "some" Doms by their formal community name. "It's good to see you again "Peter sir". Or, "It's good to see you again Sir". After which I'll revert to a less formal address. I expect my sub/slaves to behave similarily.)
This leads us to the point of this essay. The growth of internet dating sites has made the BDSM community accessable to everyone. Its a double edged sword. One edge brings us new partners and a growing community
the other edge brings us those folks with little or no understanding of what keeps this community healthy, together and safe. With their rude behaviour, demanding personas, and disrespectful personalities, they represent anarchy rather then cohesion. This puts people at risk. It makes it unomfortable for those who do not enjoy rudeness, or strangers demanding obedience, or displays of disrespect. There is a need I believe to reflect on some of the things in our past that are valuable in helping to correct this, mainly training and being a positive example.
We are here to enjoy ourselves, to enjoy our sexuality, practise our proclivities and our fetishes, and to make friends with those that understand and share our needs. This requires some rules and protocols to guide our behaviour and define for others who we are as individuals.
So what exactly Is and alpha Dom or submissive? Perhaps they can be defined as a person who respects and protects the nature of our community and the people in it, not only through words and deeds, but how they present themselves. And, not only by how hard they play, but by the level of respect and understanding they show others.
This is our village
help it prosper.
1. Show respect towards those that have earned it.
2. Show newcomers around town in an open and friendly manner.
3. Do not force your knowledge or ideas on folks.
4. Do not run for Mayor until you shown leadership.
5. Guide those that need guidance and help those that need help.
6. Dont lie.
7. Dont be rude but stand your ground and defend your beliefs.
8. Accept criticism and learn from it.
9. Do not be too quick to judge.
10. Do unto others, as you would have them do unto you.
11. Enjoy yourself.
These are the rambling thoughts of an old Dom
Im not trying to change the world, just clean it up a little
MasterWilliam55
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Two people at Saturdays dance.
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Sep 4, 2007 10:41 am
1932 Views
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Two people like to dance. So, they find each other in the crowd and they dance.
Two people need the touch of another human being. So, they find each other in the crowd and hold hands.
Two people need the passion of an embrace. So, they again find each other in the crowd and embrace.
And so a relationship begins.
We all search for a measure of contentment, a moment of joy, a friend. We should celebrate their good fortune when they find their special friend.
Does it matter whether or not these two people are black or white, gay/lesbian or straight? Does it matter that you may not share their beliefs or needs? Does it matter that their fetishes are not yours?
Stand at the edge of the dance floor with me and smile at them. We could have shared their bliss had our eyes met.
(I think I'll form a support group for dancers without partners)
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Protocol, Rituals and Rules..Part 2
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Aug 22, 2007 10:39 am
1986 Views
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RULES, PROTOCOLS and RITUALS
Rules and rituals are the hardest thing for a modern submissive or Dominant to come to terms with. They are basically designed to reinforce the relationship dynamics for both submissives And Dominants. They are contary to the rules and expectations of todays society. They are for the few, not the many. They are also set up to create a framework within which the relationship resides. Each partner knows their responsibilities and what is expected. For the most part, in a caring relationship, although the rules etc. are dictated by the Dominant they are also subject to some negotiation and subsequent modification with input from the sub/slave. The by-product of this, is an emotional experience, that is hard to duplicate under conventional standards.
RULES:
These are the common rules we will start out with. They are designed for M/s relationships, but often find a home in basic D/s relationships as well. Age play is different. There are fewer rules for age play during the scene but before and after a scene, the D/s or M/s rules are in force.
1. You will obey your Master and submit to him/her at all times(except when it conflicts with family or work obligations or effects your health). This is the number one rule for all D/sM/s relationships. But it only applies within the context of an D/s-M/s partnership. No sub/slave needs to obey any Dominant that comes along. Obedience for her, Only applies to her accepted Master. (In some Gorean and Dolcett groups, this may differ.)
2. You will observe the protocols and rituals as we set them out. I say we, because the Master and slave often develop these activities in concert with each other.
3. You will ask permission for anything that you want or need to do within the context of your relationship.
4. You will be honest with your Master/Mistress at all times. (cuts both ways)
5. No other person will be called Daddy or Master. You may call others that you or your Master deem deserving of respect, Sir/M'am, depending on gender.
6. You will allow yourself to be used by your Master as he/she see fit.
7. You will show respect for him/her at all times.
8. You will consider yourself HIS/HER property within the confines of your relationship.
9. You will not have any sexual or play relations with any other person without your Master's permission. (This really is meant for relationships where the submissive is bi-sexual or where the search for sexual adventure leads to a more open form of relationship.)
10. You will defend his/her character as he/she will defend yours.
11. You will always be polite, even in chat rooms, and will simply ignore those who are bothering you. In chat rooms especially, there is always an occasion to get angry at someone and act out that anger. (My sub/slave is required to make sure the troll or other bothersome person knows she is owned. If she is still being bothered, to iggy that person if possible. If thats not possible, I will forgive my slave for voicing her anger as long as she has tried the nice approach.)
RITUALS:
These are activities a submissive learns and uses to reflect her position in the relationship and to also display her willingness to please and serve. There are bedtime rituals, greeting rituals, tea rituals and many others. Some occur daily, others for certain occasions and some just for fun. Every Dominant will design his own and many slaves have their favorites that they like to display for their Masters. Here are a few simple ones by way of example.
1. Greeting your Master: You will always enter his presence with your eyes cast down and hands clasped together in front of you. If in private, you will kneel before him/her. You will not speak until spoken to or otherwise move until you get instructions.
Specific Situations:
In a public place like a restraunt or street you will have to trust that he/she wont embarrass you and will act quickly so as not to draw undo attention to you (unless humiliation is part of the intended scene). You wont sit until asked to do so. Before you take up the posture, you will put anything you are carrying down so your hands are free. Once the greeting is over with you can relax. A nod of his head, or a gesture is the basic recognition a Master uses to (recognize) his slave.
In a private space, after the greeting youll change into what ever outfit your Master has chosen. Common are cotton bikini panties and, if its chilly an unbuttoned blouse, or tight tee shirt or blouse. Completely naked is also common. He would normally expect to find you sitting on a pillow on the floor back on your heels. You knees will be spread, eyes downcast and hands on your thighs, palms up.
2. You will always thank him/her whether he/she gives permission for something or denies it.
3. You will always stand or walk on his/her left side, except on the street, where your Master walks on the curb side. When ever possible you will link your arm through his and walk a half a pace behind him. In the case of age play you can hold his/her hand like little girls do with their Daddies. In some Gorean circles the slave is required to walk three paces behind or with her hand on his left shoulder. Each Master decides what he prefers. (When working through a crowded space, I prefer my slave to take my left arm near the elbow, and I lead her that way)
4. A slave will address her Dominant as Daddy during age play or if agreed all the time. Otherwise she will call her Dominant
Sir or Master. If you think you might be overheard in public, she can whisper in your ear. If your concerned what other people might think, there will be occasions then where your given name is appropriate. Sub/slaves are very good at walking the line here and most Dominants would be wise to let their submissives work this out themselves.
5. When asking permission for things that you may wish or need to do. You will preface your question with; May I
Daddy, Master or Sir and Would you like
.Daddy, Master or Sir.
May I, is used for your slaves personal needs primarily. (May I go to the bathroom Sir?) Would you like, is used for service to her Master primarily. (Would you like a cup of tea Master?) (Daddy, would you like your cock sucked) or if lust has completely taken you over you might ask (Please may I suck your cock Master?)
Rituals or protocols are developed over time and change as the relationship matures. Often a sub/slave will ask permission to change a ritual or add a new one. Occassionally humour will be injected into this when a Master forgets to give a permission. (A recent slave used to lay her head on the table starring up through her glass of (water) into my eyes and blink with a grin on her face. She knew I had forgotten to give her permission to drink.) When a slave can find a bit of humour in the way we carry out our respective tasks, means she is comfortable in the relationship and happy.
6. Foot worship or cock worship, the paying of special attention to a body part. A regular part of some Master's rituals is to have his/her feet washed by their slave in hot soapy water, dry them and rub them with foot cream. (While she is doing that it gives them time to discuss the events of the day, talk about friends, or anything that comes to mind. We often get too rapped up in play and dont find time for basic conversation. I use this period of time to learn more about her, give advice, and generally just enjoy her company.)
Punishment:
Punishment is divided into mental and physical. Physical punishment doesnt work very well on masochists. But for most sub/slaves it can be very effective. Spanking is not a punishment, when you like it. Therefore most punishment for serious issues is often the denial of attention or permissions.
For minor infractions, you may be verbally humiliated or be given an unpleasant task to perform. But punishment is rare. (I usually only punish if my slave has somehow shown me or in certain cases, other Dominants disrespect. Ill also use it for displays of disobedience.
This essay is based on my own musings and experiences. They are no way designed to tell others how to conduct their relationships.
From the musings of an old Dom. T
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Protocols and Rituals. Part 1
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Jul 4, 2007 12:45 pm
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Entry for July 03, 2007
The longer I'm into this lifestyle, the more I have come to appreciate the role that protocols, rituals and behaviour modification play in M/s relationships. Not only do they demonstate, and reinforce the roles that each person lives by, I have come to understand something else; a dynamic called "belonging".
Some argue that submission is a slave's gift to her Master. I would agree with that. But what the slaves Master/Mistress gives in return is a sense of belonging. This is probably the most important gift a Master can convey on his slave, a place where she can belong, nuture her/his needs, grow, feel emotionally secure. In other words, someone she can be totally open with and express and act on her desires.
I used to find it tedious and somewhat rediculous to be asked by a slave, when I was not with her, what were my "orders"; for the night, day, week, whatever. But it was her way of keeping the dynamic of "belonging" alive and well. It was a way of watering (nurturing) the M/s relationship.
The same can be said for play activities. Even sadists and masochists have that need to belong to someone. It's true, you can play casually for the "rush" the endorphine high. But, when you witness or experience hard play between two souls that belong to each other in an M/s relationship, the play is electric. Every strike, every touch, conveys the message that she belong to him and he to her.
And if during aftercare, you let your slave release his/her inner child into your calm embrace, you will have completed a scene that will create deep emotional bonds that can change you forever.
Where is all this leading. Recently I completed teaching an experienced slave who through much of her life has lived day-to-day and never experienced a real relationship. I simply taught her that she had value and was cherished and respected for what she was and as a result had a bright future in this lifestyle to look forward to. This had nothing to do with any play, or sex or D/s we might have engaged in. I was formost her friend and trusted Sir. That was my job, that was why she came to me, to help her experience and accept all those things that make a good relationship healthy and fun. Eventually another Master came into the picture, who could give her the final piece to her puzzle. A chance at a 24/7 M/s relationship, something I couldn't do. I helped them come together and provided a bit of guidance. We now come together as friends.
I also learned from both of them. I came to better understand that not only is the slaves behaviour important...but the behaviour of the Master in a relationship is critical. It's the little things we do with protocols and rituals and how we interact during play that modifies our behaviour for the better. It's the way we present ourselves, the way we treat others that gives the submissive confidence in the relationship. The Master provides stability (that's what control is all about). He provides guidance and allows his charge to freely express herself. He helps her grow. She in return, offers up that gift of submission.
It's while refecting on this unusual situation I came to understand the dynamic of "belonging" and have tried to put words to this complex emotion, and how the pieces of the puzzle fit together. Someone smarter than me will have to explain the psychology behind all this.
Enough for now.
Mike
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