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Well holy poop!!!
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Jan 28, 2006 5:17 pm
1366 Views
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Been a while since I have posted.....the last time i logged in I was just not thrilled with all of the snipping, and seeing my friends getting sucked into the snippitness.
SO!
I have decided to creep back in, incrementally.
I wish I had something really great to report, but mostly things have been kind of crappy.
My current job went from lame to pain. I am looking, actively, for a new job. I have a GREAT FUCKING FANTASTIC lead on THE PERFECT JOB so if you pray, toss up a shout out to *insert deity / life force of choice here* ________________ for Mollena to nail the face-to-face interview and do a victory dance of the flaming ashes of my cubicle.
Love life? Don't make me laugh.
Unless, of course, you count the propositions I've received from:
1) A married guy.
2) A booty call guy
3) My first (and only) on line "D/s" relationship person re approaching me here, of all places....AFTER 9+ YEARS OF SILENCE....But that is a different post.
My cats are doing well, the other irons I have in the fire are kind of fizzling and simmering, for now, but hopefully that will change.
A shout out to the people who have nudged me in the past few days since I poked my head out of my virtual hole. An apology to anyone I haven't gotten back to: I was just feeling to drained and flat to call / write back and summon the "Waaaaaaaaaaaambulance" ovah and ovah again!
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CONFIDENTIAL - To the individual who offered to eat my pussy:
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Dec 27, 2005 1:23 am
1775 Views
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No.
My goddess.... I finally take time to try to read e-mails ... and I get one-line sex propositions and winks from men who have a big red X. next to body type since they don't want a fat submissive.
Stop winking at or writing to me.
Did you somehow miss th-
Ah, fuck it...
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Not Dead.....
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Dec 26, 2005 12:28 pm
1879 Views
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....just feels like that.
I'll write some more....one of these days.
I have been holding a one-woman pity party, swimming upstream against a tide of troubling issues with my girl parts, my job, my artistic endeavours.
It did very little to encourage me to write when, every time I logged in, all I read are blogs about how crappy the blogsland has become.
Or to see people I thought I liked or respected tearing apart other people I thought I liked and respected.
So, yeah. I'll stick my toe in the water, soon-ish.
I guess.
Peace.
Mollena
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I am starting to think those snugglers are on to something....
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Dec 1, 2005 10:44 am
3180 Views
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The thoughtful and sweet Doc_Sonar (who, btw, manages to identify as dominant without a self-aggrandizing title or capitalizing pronouns or entire posts....but I digressssss.....) almost brought tears to my eyes by the simple act of mentioning his offer of a big bear hug in replying to my last post.
I flashed back to a conversation I had recently with some astonished co-workers about "Cuddle Parties". Yep. Cuddle Parties.
The paucity of platonic human contact has moved some people to create safe space where adults can get together for non-sexual physical contact.
My co-workers thought it silly and pathetic.
I kind of laughed....but internally I winced.
I love being held. I love touching people. I don't get enough, and sometimes I don't want to fuck someone to get snuggling time.
I had the good fortune to have some really nice cuddling or snuggling time when I was abroad. From simple couch cuddling to blissful healing touch to holding a sleeping baby to being held while enduring some non-consensual interal upset, I felt so blessed and blissed that I realized how much I miss it.
Is it just me? Do you get held enough? If so, you are VERY fortunate, I think! If not, do you miss it?
I read somewhere online that people who hugged or were hugged five times a day or more were less depressive and had lower blood pressure.
I just remembered a funny incident....last year I was walking in the Castro when a guy, who was walking with a girl, stopped me and asked for a hug. I was startled....had one of those rapid-fire conversations in my head, then said "Fuck it." and hugged the guy. It made my week.
I think, at this point in my life, I'd turn down a sweaty hot fuck in lieu of a nice comforting cuddle. 
Cuddle party starting to look less lame to me.....
love
Mo
(...probably about to set up a "Free Hugs Here!" booth in San Francisco....)
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Funny, that.....
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Nov 29, 2005 8:55 pm
3051 Views
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the pic tonight is from the depths of the Holocaust Memorial in Berlin...an eerie, humbling site.)
.....the stream-of-consciousness thingie I posted a couple of posts back is actually a composite of a situation I have seen repeated in my relationships.....seven of them. so, yeah, r_diva, one of 'em was indeed Mister Ass-tray guy, but the others are culled composites from different people who I have allowed to push and pull variously in my life.
It is interesting to gain the perspective of time.
Some of those people had the easy way into my psyche, because I was already identifying as kinky. That gives those trying to breach the defenses an easy foothold to place a stranglehold on my emotional state. I have to parallel that with my first relationship, where I assumed (terribly, terribly wrongly) that I would simply be treated with the love and respect I wanted without having to safeguard my emotional state.
I have re-discovered that I truly need to be on my guard if I am in a situation where I might be ambushed by my own profound submissive autonomic responses.
Dust off the butt, get back on the horse....right?
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Dammit...
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Nov 29, 2005 3:05 pm
3029 Views
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...what do you do when all you can think about is McDonald's french fries?!?!
Shit.
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OK, so just in case....
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Nov 28, 2005 11:29 pm
3052 Views
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(a photo of me traveling between Berlin and The Czech Republic...while very itchy...)
....someone gets the wrong idea about my last post....
It is NOT about anyone with whom I have been entangled from this website.
Which is sad for you, but whatever.
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Uncomfortable unnumb.
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Nov 28, 2005 10:58 pm
2965 Views
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the photo is one of which I am very proud. Taken in the Bone Church in Kutna Hora, in the Czech Republic)
Do you ever think of me
did I leave a trace in your
untraceable mind
or did my memory fade
like the scratches I etched on
the flesh on
your back
or the marks you left on my hip
________
Am I ever in your dreams
transforming into a monster
a
bird
a cloud
like the way you appear in mine
feral then docile then gone.
________
Do you tell our story
the way I tell my story of you
when you sing my song
is it me you are singing about
or has my memory fucked off and been
replaced
by
whoever you are
fucking now
__________
Do you remember me at all
the way I was when I was sixteen
And so arrogant
assuming that everyone
would be as reverent
as possessive
as desirous
as you were
of me.
_____
Did I matter to you then
when you had so many
clamoring for your attention
and I another possession
another body
another mouth
and when I was all you had left
your desperate flounderings
reduced me to chattel
instead of elevating me to chattel?
_____
Was I really that opaque
that my love for you was dim
and you really did not know?
because that seems like so much bullshit...
Or maybe what you saw
in the agony and the ecstasy of my heart
was a child's game to be played
and completed with a handshake.
_____
Was there something that I missed?
Our repast together over
broadsided by your being full
when I was still on the second course
the words seemed so easy for you
me stuttering my acquittal
climbing from the window
so my tears and eyes don't burn
and transmit my failure
to keep you amused.
_____
Did you really walk away
leaving me to stand stunned alone
when I still loved you and you said the same
but not enough to hold me then
was I so easily replaced
that you waited scant weeks
to have another in your bed?
_____
Is my lightness so unbearable
that I am not gathering
to me the ones who can
will
do
wish to suffer my admiration
revel in my freakishness
be surprised by my ordinariness
let me be who I am?
If I could
erase the want
I surely would.
Not.
© 2005 Mollena Williams. Don't even try to copy my shit. It might not be a ^%$#@ classic, but it is mine. Dig?
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treading water....
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Nov 27, 2005 3:57 pm
3147 Views
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...I liked being alone whilst traveling. I was amazed to find this out, because usually I need the feedback of other people to know I am alive.
(The photo is one of only 2 cheesy lame touristy photos I allowed to be taken of me whilst traveling. Bodski was the instigator / enabler of the other.)
I feel like I fade away to a little rind of my self when I am alone. Usually.
While I was in New York, I remembered I didn't always feel that way.
When I was on the first leg of my trip, in the Netherlands, I realized I didn't wane to nothingness in my head when I was alone. I felt more alive, more challenged, more aware, when I was alone. Sometimes, people seemed to be yammering clattering distractions. Sometimes I enjoyed other's company. But just as often I was happy to have adventures on my own.
Thank the gods the wind-down of my trip was spent mostly in the homes of friends, old and new, giving me a chance to acclimate back. Because I really am a friendly person. 
...even if I had the unique bi-polar moment of walking by a river and being in tears at how beautiful the sun beaming through a grove of wildly extravagantly jewel toned dying leaves floating down a brook that was simply sursurrating sensually .... and then within seconds switchbacking to being driven to within inches of a killing rage by the idiot guy on the tour who didn't know when to shut the fuck up and by gods if I had to show him how by holding his head down in the *&^%$ brook myself until he got the hang of listening to silence, I would, by god....
*cough*
Anyway. Yeah.
I am dangerously bitter about my job situation.
I had an audition (a different one, not The Big Deal that is happening next month) and the casting director for whom I was reading gave me a heads-up about another possibility on the horizon.
Frankly, though, if the Big Career Change thing doesn't work out here, I am going to take one of those "Teach English as a Second Language courses and move to Europe for a few years. I think. The people I met who were doing this had some sweet deals...and the thought of exploring the possibilities of another country for a long time is very appealing to me now.
I just got e-mail from the web site that manages my foolish former lover's recording career, and oh goody goody gumdrops, his next CD is set for national release here in February 2006.
I swear to GODS if I have to walk into a record store and see him plastered, or worse yet have to listen to "Mollena" played on some *&%$ jukebox, I WILL have a nervous breakdown, see if I don't and see if it ain't ugly. Ooo, myinnocence3 and themoodimin you can go to his concert in Bklyn next month and
um
I dunno
heckle him or something
Hey, I just took a look at the front page....so many new faces....! Is it, as it seems to be, the new rule that the driving factor is now thenumber of posts that someone produces? How is that a measure of anything except the spare time available to the writer...? Bemused, I am. Typing like Yoda, too, am I.
I had a really strange dream the other day that involved me having a love affair with a somewhat petite Centaur. Um, but the problem was, he didnt look like a Centaur to anyone else unless they saw him having sex. Otherwise, he looked an awful lot like the donkey in Shrek which made even my more liberal friends raise an eyebrow.
I need to dream less.
The Period of Doom is messing with me yet again. I wish theyd just find a way to stop it. It is NOT making me feel very sexy.
I almost shook my platform bed apart the other day, when I heard that the (not) president of this poor country say to the Chinese government that he was concerned about the fact that they limited protests against the government in China. He ACTUALLY SAID, I am assuming with a straight face, that people should have their dissenting opinions heard by the government
Um
.George
oh, never mind
.I guess you have a do as I say not as I do policy.
*sigh*
I had a Really Big Crush on someone going for a while, but it had a bucket of cold water dumped on it, so now I have to find someone else about whom I can obsess over in a completely futile manner. Which is a drag, because these things are not to be taken lightly.
I am still battling that nasty cough I picked up in England
.pleah!! And I finished the last swig of Night Nurse last Thursday. *&^%$.
I guess I shall sign off for this bit. I tried to post a link to my photos at SnapFish, but I cant seem to fool the *&^%$ who approve these ^^%$##@ posts that my *&&^% album is not a *&^%$ advert.
I suppose I could upload em on my ALT photo album. Hm. But then I cant do subtitles, can I? I dont know. Will have to investigate.
Goddess, my cats are ginormous!!
OK, OK, I am going to have to eat now.
Love
Mo
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