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Newly my Father's daughter.
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Dec 30, 2008 11:43 am
1116 Views
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I am a lot closer in personality to my Father than my Mother.
This comes as a shock, somewhat, 39.5 years into my life.
When I was a kid my Dad used to spend days in bed if he wasn't working. It wasn't often, as he was pretty fucking driven. But then sometimes there would just be "hard times" and, before I started working myself at 5, I wondered how the bills would be paid, as was the constant worry.
My Father played sax and would sometimes do so even after work or on his lunch break. He started teaching me to play when I was about 3 and I hated it. I was threatened with spankings if I didn't practice, but he never so much as lifted a hand towards me.
I wonder of the empty threat contributed to later curiosities...but probably not.
Sometimes if a babysitter couldn't be procured, I'd sit on a nearby bench while Dad played sax. Sometimes I would play the tambourine, or dance, or hold out the money box. I knew that it was pretty easy to get grownups to give you things if you smiled, so I did that a lot. I am going to speculate Dad did pretty well when I went out with him to play on the street. Of course, once I had my little soprano sax and went with him too, it was over. money poured in.
Enough that, between busking and his many jobs, he'd take us to Morocco 3 times and once on a 3 month tour of most of the major Western European capitals. I was the only kid in my school who came back from summer vacation with stories of playing sax on a bar in Berlin while enraptured Germans gave me peanuts and beer.
But Dad would sometimes go to bed and he wouldn't come out. He wouldn't shower either. And if it was hot and he was stinky, I told him this and sometimes he'd get up and take a shower. I would laugh at his lopsided afro and he's fluff it into more and more bizarre shapes. I'd follow suit.
Sometimes he wouldn't come from under the covers for a long many days, it seemed to me then. My Mom would say he wasn't feeling well and that I shouldn't bother him. Mostly I didn't.
But sometimes I would and he would play Blanket Monster, rolling me around from under the thick blue quilted satin cover. It had big green flowers on it. I loved that game...surfing along, tumbling on the blanket while he held me, but was hidden from sight.
Sometimes he would do a puppet show from under the blanket.
I don't know why, but stuck in my mind to this day is the "Peach Pie Puppet."
Pretty much how it went was this:
The sock puppet would pop up and squeak "Peach pie!"
And I would laugh and say "Peach PIE?!?"
And the puppet would respond with an incredulous "Aw phooey!" and hide back under the covers, a shoaling cartoon mole. I'd chase it, and it would pop up somewhere else, and the cycle would repeat.
I think I was probably around 1 and a half or 2 years old.
I loved the peach pie game.
I know that my Father was clinically depressed and suffering form untreated PTSD.
I am in awe of the fact that he still managed to leave sweet sweet precious indelible memories in my heart.
I miss that Father.
I honor his craziness....building a 16' skiff in our living room. In the projects. That time he sewed his hand shut with a sail repair kit. His mad get rich quick schemes. The insanity of importing a Citroen to the states because he fell in love with it as we drove it across the Desert and Atlas Mountains. The folly of taking his family into the war in the Sahara. The elaborate prank he plotted to fool a friend when he found out he'd never seen "Night of the Living Dead" that involved hiding a tape recorder in a hollowed out radio and playing the news broadcast sequence as though it were a real report. The silly songs he would compose for me and sing while I danced on the tops of his feet....
This is not to say there weren't serious crazy BAD times too, because there were. But despite all of that, I haven't given him the honor of being the REAL archetype from which flows my crazy ass personality.
Yeah. I'm THAT guy's kid.
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Where the hell ARE these "Predatory Dominants" ?!?!
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Dec 28, 2008 5:29 am
1202 Views
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I attend quite a few Kink / Leather / BDSM events.
I don't wear any obvious symbols of ownership.
I'm a pretty friendly person.
I can count on one hand the times I've been slimed by tops at these events. in over 11 years, it is an extremely rare occurrence.
But to read the fluttering panicky verbiage bandied about, Munches, Leather Events, and any place where more than three Perverts Gather for the Purposes of Pervery are hotbeds of Iniquity.
Submissive stalkery. Poaching. Wanton seduction by dominants intent on flogging flinging finagling and fucking their way in and out of your life, leaving you a shuddering confused mess.
Interestingly, when asked about this, quite a few people report this as what they have "heard" and often, hay now, mostly from dominants who "have their best interests at heart."
Now, it might just be me. I could be so out of the range of desirability that people self-select and just don't approach me.
In which case, poor me 
But how many people who DO attend events regularly THEMSELVES have seen, THEMSELVES, FIRST-HAND, this cadre of dominant beastpeople?
Because I aint.
And not many people of my acquaintance complain of this issue either!
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Ten years, five months.
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Dec 28, 2008 1:38 am
1055 Views
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Bragging rights prize to the first person to guess the significance that particular duration designates.
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The Wayside....
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Dec 28, 2008 12:07 am
1027 Views
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...this blog has fallen by it.
every day I think "Oh fuck, I haven't updated in forever."
But part of my job requires me staring at this site for hours and hours, perforce. And at the end of the day I think "Holy fuck if I see yellow fucking Arial on a back fucking background I shall weep. Srsly."
And so it goes.
But MistressMarvelou cared enough to miss me and say so in an e-mail and for her, I'll stop being such a crabpot and post 
SO!
Um.
Yay!
Shit.
Tonight is a shit night to post, really. Because, for real? I am on the rag and very lonely and feeling the cut of being single.
But that aside...I am grateful about my life! I have a job. For today. I have a home of which I can be proud, a room-mate who is among the best people with whom I have had the honor of sharing a home. I have amazing friends, and i have, and this is new, people who actually do not care for my company, and have made that know, and I didn't curl up and die.
My blog is starting to take a good foothold and build some small readership, and this makes me very proud.
If you are so inclined, please do read my stuff there. The uniform resource locator for the site is just my name. You can also google "perverted negress mollena". Please subscribe to the blog and click on those little tablets at the bottom for things like Digg and Reddit, because it helps to build audience. ANd yeah, it is partially for me. But Reddit, for example, has a BDSM category, and I am one of the few regular updaters there. The more votes, th more visibility, the more we work our way into the consciousness of the on-line cognoscenti. And that's A Good thing, methinks!
I can't even put more detailed info that that otherwise one of my stalwart co-workers will killfile this fucking post
*sigh*
Amazing, that.
I am, increasingly and amazingly, being invited to different events to talk about stuff. Yay!
Um, so, thus far, I got:
Dark Odyssey: Winter Fire
February 13th-15th, 2009
Washington, DC
The Exiles
San Francisco, California
February 20th, 2009
KinkFest 2009
March 27th-29th, 2009
Portland, Oregon
Beyond Leather 2009
April 24th - 26th, 2009
Fort Lauderdale, FL
The Citadel
May 19th, 2009
San Francisco, CA
Denver Bound
October 9th-11th, 2009
Denver, CO
Still pending is a berth at Shibaricon, so keep those paws crossed, kthxbai
SO that is pretty cool I love traveling and I love meeting people in different cities and boy does this feed into my oldest and most profound fetish: HOTELS!!
Mmmm...hotels....purr...
I just passed 21 months sober. Which is so amazing to me, I can't describe it!
I guess that is kind of it.
Oh, if you are on FetLife, please say "HI!". I'm Mollena there too.
And how are you?
Love
Mo
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Douchebaggery 101: Thanks for the lesson, spankmyballs99!
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Nov 23, 2008 8:21 am
1394 Views
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I don't mind someone writing to me who maybe has missed that I'm not a dominant. Even though the little box where you indicate your preference is an easy thing to take in when perusing profiles. That is one of the first things people do, usually: verify compatibility via the person's checklist.
So, when I get an email from a submissive, I wonder how they could have missed that.
Like this guy. spankmyballs99 Emailed me thusly:
I am a very submissive male masochist that hopes you will enjoy hurting and humiliating me for your amusement. I live and work XXXXXXREDACTEDXXXXXX and often travel to SF. I hope that we can get to know each other better.
Your humble slave
Spank
I thought, OK, well, no. And I sent back the following message:
Greetings!
I am wondering if you read my profile...?
Thanks!
~Mollena
I did receive a response back, with the following....
Yes Mistress Mollena,
I have read your profile and it excites me very much. I do not really understand the part about you working for an adult website and why that would be a concern to one anonymity. But I am a submissive masochist eager to serve beautiful dominate sadistic women such as yourself. I hope we can get to know each other better.
Your humble slave
Spank
*sigh* OK, well, then I thought, no, I do not think you did, spankmyballs99 I sent back this message:
It has nothing to do with my working for an adult website.
You clearly did not read my profile or you would not be addressing me as "Mistress" or approaching me to top you.
Then I did a triple take to receive this rather bizarrely scathing response to my 2-line mail:
Well I tried to read your profile but it is just SO BORING and convoluted that it is meaningless.
Let's analize you profile ... line number 1
Please take a moment to check out my blog here in ALT
DarkGoddess it
You blog is empty. This is the first line of your profile, what kind of impression does that make? "take a moment to check out" my empty blog.
Does your blog really give insight your "creaking smoky rusted hyena-patrolled labyrinthine workings of my internal processes"?
And will it "certainly score some points" with you? Well i read it and what do I get?
I could go on and on but this way to BORING. Oops did I get to the point too fast ... should I of said it is way to ... blue colored, grainy, fuzzy, unclear, obtuse, tedious, long-winded, self-important, ponderous, did I say tedious, un-compelling, uninspiring, pretentious, pointless, demotivating, superfluous, lame, and just way too long.
YAWN my I am grouchy tonight. maybe that's because i am tried of this boring crap
Nice.
Well, he has one point. The link on my profile goes to my previous blog under "Darkgoddess". And I suppose I chould change that...but that blog links to this one, so the point is somewhat moot. I left that link there for the benefit for those who might have had that previous blog bookmarked, but whatever.
That subtlety would be outside of the interest of this individual.
Good luck finding a partner, dude.
Is it me, or is this just mean for no fucking reason?? And I am tickles to have gone from very excited to exceedingly boring in one fell swoop....whatever shall I do???
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I'm coming!
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Nov 20, 2008 4:27 pm
1173 Views
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TO NY and DC, that is.
Fucking perverts.
I have a friend, a DC native, who said I really ought to go to the Coronation ... er ... inauguration even without a ticket, just to be even on the Capitol Mall when it happens. Even offered me a place to crash with his parents in the 'burbs.
OK, OK, but plane tickets are insanely expensive.
Unless you fly in and out of NYC, and take one of the legendary Chinatown Buses down and back to DC.
OK, fuck it.
SO, I am going.
I already have a date with like 4 of the coolest sex bloggin' women to see Suzie Bright read on Friday the 16th.
Any of the old school NYC Girls down to hit a hot dinner spot?
Perhaps check out some perverted kinky excitement?
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Pretty fucking honored.
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Nov 19, 2008 12:07 pm
1376 Views
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The Folsom Street fair rules. I have attended annually since 1997. This year, I stopped at the midpoint of the fair by a large gray cube constructed of draped fabric. I was bemused by the fact it was covered with poster-sized portraits of people in Fetish garb and assorted drag. I was gestured over by a dude who asked if I was interested in being photographed for a potential photo project. I thought, sure, yeah I stepped into the line, filled out a release, and waited to face the artist.
As it turned out, the man behind the curtain was Howard Schatz. He is kind of a big deal photographic artist. He has amazing books in print. Hes got a bunch of photos from Folsom Fairs past and is in the midst of an ongoing project that may well include me!!
Last week, I received an e-mail from one of his assistants with a proof from the shots he took of me in that portable booth, and they asked if I would answer a few questions. Yes, of course. I am hardly one to demur if an artist wants to know about me.
Well fucking color me flabber-fucking-gasted when, after replying to the questions off of the top of my head, I get a message back that Mr. Schatz was very intrigued by my responses and might want to chat briefly with me.
!!!!!!!!
Holy shi (Yeah, that is me with nothing to say, totally blown away.)
I mean, this guys met and worked with real life
.you know..famous people!!!
Anyway, that there is one of the pictures he sent to me.
And here is what I said in response to his questions
hope I do wind up chatting with him! If not, wow, an honor to be a part of his oeuvre.
Thank-you for coming to our outdoor studio at The Folsom Street Fair and for allowing us to make this image. We are preparing a book on The Fair. We need text, context, content, to make the book rich, interesting, worth reading, (over and above the photos). Would you please help us by sending us your responses to these questions? WHEN WE RECEIVE YOUR RESPONSES WE WILL SEND YOU A SECOND IMAGE. If you dont want your name identified in the book, just let us know that.
1. Why do go to The Folsom Street Fair?
Im a long-standing member of the BDSM and Leather Community. The Folsom Street Fair is a Family Reunion, a Carnival, A Freakshow, and Old Home Week, a dance, a celebration of our selves in all of our most real and most outlandish and most touching bared souls. I go because I cant bear the thought of not going. I go because I can be really real me or make believe pretend me. I am always amused and aghast at how much closer those parts of me are than I think they are, and I carry that magic epiphany with me for the rest of the year.
2. What does your Folsom Street Fair persona say about you?
It says Yes. It says Ask me! It says Look closer
3. Does your FSF persona reflect the real you?
Absolutely. I am what I decide to be the moment I gather consciousness in the morning. Whether or not I choose to be in full getup, whether or not I decide to sport leather, I am, in my heart, a deeply wild energy gathered into human form. Whomever I am at Folsom reflects that.
4. What do you do for a living? How old are you?
Right now, I work for several adult-themed websites. My skill and ability as a writer, coupled with my knowledge of kink and of Leather community and BDSM issues landed me in a place where I can have all of those skills and make my day job closer to my avocation than merely an occupation.
I was born in 1969, on June 20th, in NY Hospital, NYC, NY.
5. How does the FSF role-playing fit into the rest of your life?
The FSF is less of a place to put on a role than it is a place to peel off the niceties of everyday life. I have more opportunities than many people when it comes to Flying my Freak Flag, but it is rare to have the freedom to do so in the street, in the sun, in the air, and without shame. My life is very much about finding my way and making it beautiful. Revealing my inside through the sacred and ancient act of donning ceremonial, special garb connects me to an older truth. And the truth is that we are both what we reveal and what we conceal.
6. Who are you, really?
Im a curvy Perverted Negress, a writer, a showoff, unbelievably shy and very adept at hiding that from all but the most astute eyes. I am an actress, performer, BDSM and Leather Community educator, emotional flashpoint and violently passionate about that which moves me. I love cartoons and dumb jokes and Fellini movies and Star Wars and Star Trek. I also love floggings and submission and service and sweet potato pies. Mine are the best ever. I am a blogger (http://alt.com) and I live life as it is handed to me with no adjustments, no chaser, and no limits to experience. And I am a nerd.
7. Anything else pertinent that you think those who will read the book will find interesting? Surprising, remarkable, really revealing and private secrets will make reading and seeing the book quite fantastic-so please do help us let the world know the richness of human diversity.
My secret fantasies revolve around the loss of power, the ravishment of the body and the bending of the will. The idea of the politically-incorrect brutish man savagely taking what he wants from a resistant victim whose own will is subsumed by his lust and wickedly unfettered slavering needs is hot as hell to me. Nothing is more incandescent that purely lust-based transgression. As for me, give me a double helping. Being fully who you are seldom is pretty, tidy, neat and polite. Give me sloppy dirty feral gorgeousness any day. Give me joy that makes me laugh too loudly in restaurants and give me heartbreak that shatters my ego into quicksilver balls of mercurial pain across the floor. All of these things let me know I am loving, and living, true to who I am.
Anything else
? Peace
~Mollena
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WIN.
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Nov 5, 2008 11:04 am
1267 Views
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This poster was all over Folsom Street Fair this year.
Get down.
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"But I'm a bottom...What the fuck do I know about rope?!"
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Nov 3, 2008 11:53 am
1402 Views
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I was invited to be a speaker at a kink event. This is really, really cool, and seems to be happening more frequently, which is SUPER cool.
This one is in Colorado. It is called Denver Bound. It is a smaller event, and they have an interesting setup. They have a few people come and do a very intensive weekend, 4-5 classes each over the 3 day period.
Last year, it was 4 rope bondage rigger types.
Um....yeah.
You can see where I am going with this.
I checked, and yes, it is a rope-bondage intensive. I asked the organizer if he was sure he was asking the right person? He said emphatically yes.
I'm not a rope bondage teacher.
But what the fuck do I know about rope bondage? Dammit Jim, I'm a submissive, not a gearhead!
I have certainly demoed in rope bondage classes. But not all that often, because the desire to see fat girls tied up isn't high. Bondage demo modles are, I'd say 98% of the time, slender. This is also a function of the fat that heavier people are not always so comfortable being in front of a room full of people trussed up and hanging from some shit. I am always pleasantly surprised when I see a fat person bottiming in a rope demo class or presentation.
Unless the class is about tying up fat people.
Most of the time, as demo bottoms, we're props. Interestingly, my first glimmer of a desire to and a possible capacity for teaching in the Kink community was when I was bottoming during a rope demo and someone asked if it was OK to ask me a question. He said yes, it was, so there I was with about the ball of one foot on the floor, arms behind my back, talking about what that was like. This is where acting skill is really an amazing tool. The "me" in bondage became the character I was dissecting at the time and the "me"" who always is was able to do a character breakdown simultaneously.
Blah blah blah. This will probably wind up an interesting post for my kink blog. But for here, I am really just hashing out the question of "What do bottoms have to say about bondage?"
I immediately came up with one topic: "Beautiful Victim: Negotiating, Communicating and Illuminating your Submission." It would be around self-expression for bottoms, and help for tops and dominants in eliciting those wonderful connections and reactions that so many crave.
I thought also a class that taught about warm-up, processing and cool down, on a physical level, would be great.
I chatted a bit yesterday with a friend (Hi HI!) who brainstormed with me on another angle: that of a whole "From the Bottom:" series of classes. A discussion and exploration as to why bottoms enjoy rope bondage, what happens emotionally when you are going into, coming out of, and after....some of the reasons people love or avoid it, etc.
I am supposed to come up with 4-5 topics. The meat of the class is the easy part. I can pull a 2 hour show out of my ass. This part is easy.
But if you have any thoughts, form the top or bottom side, as to what you haven't seen taught or often discussed at Leather events, suggestions are welcome!
And if you are Non-Kink-Identified, that which might pique your curiosity also helps me to hash through this.
Come to think of it, this is really an awesome kind of challenge to which I gotta step up
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To link to this blog (Mollena) use [blog Mollena] in your messages.
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