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My Blog

Welcome to my blog!

Deep Thoughts
Posted:Jan 31, 2016 10:55 pm
Last Updated:Mar 9, 2016 10:26 am
59888 Views

Have you ever just sat and wondered why you are here? Not here on the website but here in this time and place. Today i wondered what my purpose for being here might be and came up blank. Am i here to make good people of my or just to procreate? Am i here to show others kindness even if they do not show me any to set a good example? Am i here to change a life and do not even know if i have yet or not?
Are we all here to seek knowledge and what would be the reason for that? Will we need it after we die? Are we here to write a great book or paint a masterpiece that others will covet a hundred years after we are gone?
Just the cycle of three daily meals and the cleanup afterwards does nothing since it will simply be repeated over and over until we are physically or mentally unable to do it anymore. Why?
Are any of us doing what we were sent here to do and what is that? I would have liked to have been given some instructions for what my purpose was and how to accomplish it but instead i am simply letting time pass me by. The closer to the end of my life i get the more these thoughts come to me and, at times i even feel almost urgent to hurry up and "do" something but just have no idea what that something even is. Was i suppose to invent something that would change the world or save an animal from becoming extinct? Was i suppose to take more blankets to the homeless that live under the overpass so they can be protected from the cold? Was i suppose to earn enough money to build warm shelters for them all?
What is my purpose for even being at all? Do you ever wonder these things too?
0 Comments
Alone
Posted:Jul 4, 2015 11:54 pm
Last Updated:Jan 31, 2016 11:02 pm
78073 Views

When i first discovered this lifestyle i had been celibate for 16 yrs. Yes, brutally r*ped yada, yada, yada. But, i never enjoyed sex anyway. i laid there and got fucked, seldom any foreplay unless it was a blow job for him. i made all these sexy noises and sometimes even screamed like he had performed so well i had reached nirvana. Then, as soon as the selfish asshole rolled over to snore in my bed, i got myself off with tears in my eyes.
My fantasies began to include the dream that he would realize i was feeding his ego instead of reaching this illusive nirvana and he would tie me up and force me to come. This was before i knew anything about this lifestyle so was just my dreams and nothing more.
In the beginning, everyone kept telling me to be patient, even though it had been 16 yrs, so i waited...and waited...and waited...and waited, well you get the picture. Sadly, all anyone wanted was to stick it in just to see how tight a pussy could get without anything in it for so long. So, i am not still celibate. In fact, as soon as i would say that i was an anal virgin and was waiting to give this to my One....He became my One for that one time only.
Now, it has been 10 yrs and i am no longer the woman i was. I am a big woman now weighing in at a whopping 225lbs, most of me sags now including my face. i appear sad all the time even if i am not and no amount of make up can hide my wrinkles or the dark circles under my sad eyes. And yes, my eyes are sad all the time. i have seen a lot and cried a lot but never learned how to use make up to hide them.
Just today i was ordered to name 4 good things about myself and this made this a day for reflection. i know that i have learned patience here but i am so very tired of being lonely. i was alone for the birth of every . No one was ever there to hold my hand or tell me how brave i was thru the pain. No one but me was happy to meet this new little person. i gave these precious beings my life and my heart and now they have their own lives to live. i took a cab to bring them home...alone. Alone, i raised them all. Every decision ever made as an adult has been mine alone. i never had anyone to discuss them with, just me. i dressed to be comfortable because there has never been anyone to care what i wore so why should i care either. i do not own a pair of heels or any make up or jewelry. Fate has helped with the jewelry thing, i am allergic to metals and have never even been able to wear a watch. The stainless backs melt my skin. On but wait, i lied. i owned a power rangers watch that had a plastic back that i wore until it died. Never got another.
The 4 good things about me were; i am kind and champion those in need, i have a beautiful brain, i am nurturing, and i have a nice rack. This is it about me. This was meant to cheer me but simply made me cry. There is so much more to me but no one cares to get close enough to find out.
The one thing i did not mention is i have so much love inside me and such a desire to share it that this being alone all the time is killing me. To be honest, death would simply mean i would not longer be in this pain and the patience i have learned will no longer be necessary. i am so very tired now.
i have applied myself to my education as an outlet so that i might still be able to set a goal that is achievable. This was another decision i made alone and it is an accomplishment i am reaching alone.
i do not want to be the poor old cat lady i have become and want an income where i will never have to sell the things i have left from my mother just to eat each month. i am so very tired of the worry in the back of my mind every time i start my truck or get a utility bill. i need peace.
Most people seek solitude when they need peace. i need friends, fun, good sex, a good flogging and maybe even experience new things. i need a life outside these walls. i get 250 mins on my cell and they expire with only 20 or less used every time.
When my went to prison, i was alone. i sat in court numerous times alone. i said good bye to him alone. i have had to beg for help with truck repairs, envelopes and stamps alone. Seems i have been alone my entire adult life and i have always been sure it was never supposed to be like this for me. Think about it. i am spilling my guts to people i have never even met just to ease this deep loneliness i feel all the time.
i am just so tired. The thoughts going thru my head are mostly why, why, why??? Have i done something to deserve this. am i abhorrent to people and this is why. i was once told by a Dom here that i talked to much. i am alone too much so when someone will listen i am simply trying to talk as much as possible before i am alone again. i had another Dom tell me i was too quiet so i told Him my life story. Then when we split He told me i deserved to be alone. Was this some old gypsy curse maybe? why, why, why?
Now i know there are some here who will come running to tell me to take my anti-depressants and the sad fact is i am taking them...they are NOT a cure for being alone. They don't hold me and let me cry, they do not flog me or tie me up and make me cum. They do not make me feel protected or care for. They don't make me go out and learn how to wear make up or buy high heels. They don't make me stop craving closeness with someone. They simply keep me from taking my life.
The exercise to name the good things about me are negated by an entire lifetime of being alone. Even good qualities fade with lack of use. i have no one to champion or be kind to. i have homework to keep my brain active but get to only worry by sweating from my nice rack. i know they meant well and my kind heart appreciates the effort. Thank you for "listening".
1 comment
The Piper is Calling
Posted:Jun 25, 2015 5:17 pm
Last Updated:Jun 25, 2015 5:42 pm
78018 Views

Okay, I am going to talk plainly. I was forced to give my mind-altering drugs from the time he was 8 until he turned 18. Forced means the school refused to allow him to attend unless I agreed and took me to court where the judge explained how I had the right to refuse but if he did not go to school she would take him from me and place him in foster care where he would still have to take these drugs. She also issued an order refusing to allow me to home school him instead. So, yes, I was forced.
This is happening in every school , in every city, in every state across our country. But, guess what? There is now a price to be paid for our schools to have calm cooperative in their classrooms. Mind-altering drugs CANNOT be simply stopped after years of use but as soon as the reaches 18, these drugs are being stopped. The price for this is these shootings by young men that have struggled to maintain after years of taking these drugs and no longer having them. They eventually cannot do it anymore and snap without these drugs they have become dependent on.
Teachers have more say so over our 's healthcare than we do since their testimony is much like a police officer's...without reproach. Well, I think it is time to either put in place a system that helps these when they turn 18 to continue their drugs or be weaned off them gradually, or teach our teachers that will be . My was never the same. ARE NOT calm and quiet, accept it and work around it like teachers have done for many years before today. Some are even placed on these drugs as early as age 3. What 3 yr old is calm and quiet unless he/she is sick?
Now, another issue is that most of these drugs are not prescribed regularly. Here in Ar, a psychiatrist must prescribe them but is only available a few times a year for this. The entire time my took these mild-altering drugs, they were often not prescribe in time and he would be forced to not have them for almost a week sometimes. Then, if those drugs stopped working to their satisfaction(teachers) then another would be prescribed without any weaning...just stop one day and start the new drugs the next.
Just because some young boy says he hates blacks and went on this killing spree the world has gone just plain stupid. I would be more interested in what caused this boy to feel killing was an appropriate action and not who he targeted. Remember, a young boy targeted an elementary school, another a movie theater and many their college classmates.Get real folks, their minds are damaged and their thoughts should not be the issue here at all. Damaged minds have thoughts we can never fully understand. Focus on the why this keeps happening and not the strange and wrong thinking going on in a damaged mind. This is the problem here. It has come time to pay the piper.
0 Comments
Funny for the Bikers but still TRUE!
Posted:May 7, 2015 8:14 pm
Last Updated:May 8, 2015 12:45 am
85274 Views

A Little 10-year-old girl was walking home, alone, from school one day, when a big man on a black motorcycle pulls up beside her.
After following along for a while, turns to her and asks,
"Hey there little girl, do you want to go for a ride?"
"NO!" says the little girl as she keeps on walking.
The motorcyclist again pulls up beside her and asks,
"Hey little girl, I will give you $10 if you hop on the back."
"NO!" says the little girl again as she hurries down the street.
The motorcyclist pulls up beside the little girl again and says,
"Okay , my last offer! I'll give you 20 Bucks "and" a Big Bag of Candy if you will just hop on the back of my bike and we will go for a ride."
Finally, the little girl stops and turns towards him and Screams Out...
"Look Dad" "You're the one who bought the Honda instead of the Harley ...YOU RIDE IT!!
1 comment
THE BEACON
Posted:Apr 24, 2015 1:57 pm
Last Updated:Aug 26, 2016 12:04 am
90350 Views

The one thing i have always been able to depend on with a Dominant man is His ability to man up in any and every situation. That voice and His demeanor can turn me on so fast i can feel myself dripping down my thighs. Depend on...good phrase. Comforting. He does not have to be physically attractive, youthful, or wealthy...He just has to man up when it is called for. A Dominant man will not use this "superpower" just any time He feels like it or all the time simply because He can. He is very discerning in the use of this "superpower". It is a very rare thing to find. i am still searching.
Sadly, i have only met a few in my life time. Those that call themselves Dominant men but only want to play online behind their wives' backs or those that message for weeks then simply disappear, cause their wives' caught them must tell people they are Dominant or no one would know. Profiles are just useless and self-serving. We slaves/subs can identify this superpower blindfolded or even through the airwaves. It issues a beacon to our souls and draws us nearer without the Dominant man even trying or announcing that they are a Dominant. It is a quality that cannot be explained or defined, but put a hundred Dominants in a room with a hundred slaves/subs and watch which ones draw the most slaves/subs to them with just their presence. How does this happen? No one knows and many men have tried to copy it without success. The pretenders are everywhere and over-taking this lifestyle in order to have a taste of it. i have become so tired of finding a Dominant man only to find He owns all He has been seeking and has no need of me. The one thing about slaves/subs is...we need to be needed first and foremost. The search has been long and my patience has improved as i witnessed the influx of wannabe's. To choose a pretender is the most devastating and heartbreaking thing i have ever done here. It undermined my submissive nature with doubts of myself and simply pissed me off and got me hurt. But my desire sometimes overtook my common sense. Those were back in the early days when i had yet to hear the call of the beacon. Now i only recognize that call and no others which is such a relief that i am almost (almost-not quite) at peace with never finding One that needs me. i no longer blame my submission or attributes or flaws because i understand now how very rare it is to meet a Dominant man.
A Dominant man will not lead me on then leave without manning up. He will simply say the words He knows i need to hear so that i am not left with doubts of my self-worth. A Dominant man never leaves even an unwanted or unneeded sub/slave broken and in pain. It is not in their nature. I am not even sure they are capable of such an act.
Pretenders, you should give up now because all slaves/subs that have been here awhile recognize the beacon and you do not have one. i cannot wish you well as i am offended with how you have reduced our lifestyle from real to pretend. It saddens me to see and i wish you would all just leave now.
1 comment
Mirror
Posted:Apr 16, 2015 9:18 am
Last Updated:Oct 12, 2015 8:07 pm
93913 Views

I turn around so I can see my marks in the mirror. Dark slashes of pain standing out against the skin so pale. Proudly, I wear them like a crown given to me by a trustworthy power. No one realizes why that is, really. Am I sick or crazy to enjoy the pain and the beauty I see now? My heart feels so dark but now I understand myself so much better. I crave what is on the outside because it finally matches what is on the inside and I am at peace with that.
1 comment
Ready
Posted:Feb 24, 2015 3:16 pm
Last Updated:Feb 24, 2015 4:42 pm
105431 Views

Ready

A spoken word that is meant to protect you
from the heart of one you could always see through

Feeling sure they are strong enough to be
finally grown and forever set free.

Seeing the love and the strength inside
knowing that they will live on with pride.

The goal has been to prepare your loves for this life,
to be ready to live through the struggle of troubles and strife

Never to believe you would be ready to go
til one day you have taught them all you know.

If allowed you will watch them everyday
and be happy they have finally found their way

The more you are left alone
the more you see how they have grown

Will they be okay without you here?
will they keep being strong without any fear?

I can only ask God to allow me to see
from heaven above while I am still me

To be proud of their footsteps and the path that they choose
while being ready to move on when life I may lose.

My thoughts for their future is steady
while for my future I finally am ready.

Love you always my ,

Mom
0 Comments
What is Wrong With Me?
Posted:Jan 27, 2015 11:29 am
Last Updated:Jul 7, 2015 11:34 am
111576 Views

This past month or two, i have been approached by at least 5 Doms. All were nice, respectful, and attractive and would have been nice to get to know better. For no reason that i can explain, i pushed them all away with negative comments about myself, my looks,my weight, or my drama. Then i log out and cry myself to sleep, dreaming of what could have been with this one or that one. During this time, Doms from my past have even been contacting me to check on how i am doing. All these things should let me know that i am okay...maybe nothing special but, at least okay. However, i seem to be afraid to take the next step with anyone. What is wrong with me?. i crave the play, being tied and spanked, etc, yet i still push them away. i miss being held and desired, touched and petted yet still i push them away. i long to stop being alone with myself and my hang-ups at the same time i wonder why i even have all these issues. Who wants someone with so many negative feelings about themselves? Who wants to have to convince a sub that she is wanted or desired? and now the approaches have stopped and i do not have to wonder why that is at all. i know why. A Dom wants a sub that is proud to kneel before Him but i seem to have lost all my pride.
i am not asking anything from anyone since, whenever i ask these questions, i am ignored by even those that say they love me which just damages my self-esteem even more. i have spent my entire adult life as a single mom and those days are about over now with time for me, something i have not had for many, many years. i dreamed my whole life to have my One and never feel so alone again and my time for that is quickly running out.
So i ask again...what is wrong with me?
1 comment
Father Talk
Posted:Nov 29, 2014 6:11 pm
Last Updated:Feb 19, 2015 11:53 am
116814 Views

A family is at the dinner table. The asks the father, “Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?” The father, surprised, answers, “Well, , a woman goes through three phases. In her 20s, a woman’s breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her 30s and 40s, they are like pears, still nice, hanging a bit. After 50, they are like onions.” “Onions?” the asks. “Yes. You see them and they make you cry.” This infuriated his wife and . The asks, “Mom, how many different kinds of willies are there?” The mother smiles and says, “Well, dear, a man goes through three phases also. In his 20s, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his 30s and 40s, it’s like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his 50s, it’s like a Christmas tree.” “A Christmas tree?” the asks. “Yes, dead from the root up and the balls are just for decoration.”
1 comment
Too Old
Posted:Sep 6, 2014 9:01 am
Last Updated:Jan 27, 2015 11:04 am
143597 Views

Some enjoy older men or women. How old is too old?
40's
50's
60's
never too old
6 Comments , 101 votes

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