|
painful memories and trying to let go of anger....
|
Dec 10, 2005 8:06 am
1073 Views
|
Nan YogurtFairy has made a very thoughtful posting ([post 63528]) on clemancy for death row inmates. This is NOT a posting meant to refute hers or to in any manner show a disapproval for her gentle soul. (In fact, I wish that I could have her views on this topic.) The following is my response posted in her blog.
Nan, I will admit that I am incapable of giving you an unbiased opinion here. I do believe in the death penalty. I also feel that there are cases where we, as a society, are much too lenient with those who commit horrific crimes.
My attacker did not get the death penalty only because there was no way to prove premiditation [sic] when he killed my friend. In other words, him stabbing her five times in her heart with no more forethought than swatting at a mosquito gives him the right to continue to live. I did not see him kill her, but I know that he did it. He was the only other person in the apartment at the time and he admitted it to me. I was a reliable eye witness, as I had to fight with him for almost 30 minutes in order to save my own life.
This man is mentally ill, I admit that. However, his illness is so severe that I shudder to think of him ever being released back into the general population. There is no way to guarantee that he will not go berserk again and take the life of another. I resent the fact that the taxpayers have to support this scum. I fear his eventual release from prison. I have intentionally cut off all contact with anyone not direct family in that state just so he will never be able to find me. I would NEVER wish this type of angst on anyone else.
If the state were to take his life, I feel it would be an appropriate action. Unfortunately, they will not and he will eventually be free to possibly kill again.
Reading her posting, especially at this time of year, has re-ignited an anger I thought I had let go of. I am still angry that this man is alive. I am angry that he took Patsys life and left me with emotions I still struggle with. I am angry that the state pays for his housing, his food and his medical care. I am angry that he may have the opportunity to have a life when he so thoughtlessly took one that was so full of beauty and promise.
What I didnt say in Nans blog is that Patsy and I knew this man. He was someone we had gone out with several times. We knew his friends, we knew where he worked, we had spent a considerable amount of time with him. The reason he gave for killing her and attempting to kill me? We both refused to have sex with him that night.
This is a true story, folks. It is a sad, painful burden Ive carried with me most of my adult life. This is part of why I am so adamant about being careful when meeting someone. This is why I am so quick to question anyone when their actions dont match their words. This is part of the ugly in my life.
One day, I will manage to let go of the anger. One day, I will be able to leave the fear behind. One day, I may even be able to forgive him. And myself.
|
|
|
0
Comments
|
|
|
how did that happen?
|
Dec 10, 2005 6:23 am
963 Views
|
Ive been thinking about the events that have happened at work and have come to a major realization. Although Ive always viewed my work persona as demanding, assertive and aggressive, I had a revelation this morning. I have become a slave to my job.
All of my actions are based upon pleasing my boss and on meeting his expectations. I would not be such a hard ass if I didnt need to enforce his requirements. The motivating factor for me is to bring satisfaction to him. (Ringing any bells, here?) I feel a need to support his endeavors, I find gratification in anticipating his needs, and I will give up tremendous chunks of my own time in order to meet his deadlines.
Im reviewing the commonalities between my boss and my Master. They both listen to my opinions and value them. They both treat me with respect. They both communicate with me honestly. They both have taken the time to show me how they think and have taught me much. They both offer challenges that keep me interested and force me to think. They both reward me when my performance meets their expectations.
How did this happen? How in the world did I get to this point? Now I have to wonder if part of my frustration with our new owners is due to the diminishment of my boss role. (OK. Thats not all of the problem! I know that part of it is due to the idiots who are making commitments on my behalf without speaking to me first, douche bags who are taking actions that create days of work for me, and our old owners giving out incorrect information that takes me weeks to track down.)
A slave cannot serve two masters. I know that very well. Honestly, if push came to shove, there is no question which Master would prevail. Im a bit troubled to recognize that Ive become such a slave to my career, though. Is it just an innate behavior that I dont see? Many more thoughts to ponder....
|
|
|
0
Comments
|
|
|
i want to be....
|
Dec 9, 2005 5:46 am
1066 Views
|
....taken
....used
....consumed
....absorbed
....ravished
....overwhelmed
....possessed
....captive
....powerless
....controlled
....defenseless
....conquered
....owned
....enslaved
|
|
|
0
Comments
|
|
|
the highwayman squirrel.....
|
Dec 9, 2005 2:29 am
1016 Views
|
I was walking the grounds of Nothe Fort, enjoying the beautiful blue sky and crisp air. As I strolled along the path, a squirrel suddenly appeared before me. I stopped, surprised at his boldness. A slight shift to the left on my part was mirrored by a slight shift to the right on his. I slowly moved to my right, not wanting to startle him, but he once again moved to block me.
I was being held up by a highwayman squirrel! He would not let me pass without receiving his token. I fumbled through my pockets, looking for something to appease this vicious being. Peanut M&Ms! Squirrels like peanuts, right? Would he find one acceptable as payment for passage?
His eyes followed my every move as I took an M&M out of the bag. I chose a large one in order to please him. As I leaned down, he cautiously came closer and closer. I couldnt believe that he was actually going to take it directly from my hand! Gaining his prize, he scampered to the nearest tree, climbing to a branch leaning over the pathway. I watched him greedily consume that morsel and laughed as I resumed my meanderings.
Held up by a squirrel! Who would believe it?
|
|
|
0
Comments
|
|
|
it was a peanut m&m day....
|
Dec 8, 2005 1:58 am
1052 Views
|
Well, I thought the budget was done and put to bed. I got the wonderful news on Tuesday that it wasn't. I was at the office before 6am yesterday to make telephone calls to Belgium to try to get the process moving again.
After 4 hours of meaningless churning of data, I gave up. I broke down and went to the store to buy the BIG bag of peanut M&Ms. *sigh*
I didn't get all the data yesterday, so I get to look forward to more number crunching today.
I've decided to take the last half of this month off. Is it December 15 yet?
|
|
|
0
Comments
|
|
|
orgasmic!
|
Dec 5, 2005 1:17 pm
1253 Views
|
Mrs. Crimble's Chocolate Macaroons
Believe me!
|
|
|
0
Comments
|
|
|
i just cant seem to stop it....
|
Dec 4, 2005 7:57 am
1336 Views
|
Every year, it sneaks up on me. Its as though I make an effort to forget December 1 is coming. I ignore the date. I forget why.
Every year, it still hits. Sorrow, sadness, pain, tears, no understanding of why.
Then, I look at the calendar and comprehension comes.
Rest in peace, Patsy. Even after all these years, I miss you horribly.
|
|
|
0
Comments
|
|
|
mama said that thered be days like this....
|
Dec 2, 2005 6:13 am
1675 Views
|
I was really in a pretty good mood when I woke up this morning.
Then I read a message from a friend. Your words have cut me to the core, caused a pain in my chest that is unbelievable. If you really think that of me, then why didnt you ask why before making that assumption? Yes, I have changed. I will always be changing. If Im not, then Im not living. I dont know what you think you see, but I wish youd tell me. I wont bother you to ask the questions, though. If thats what you choose to think, I will accept it and move on.
Now Ive read that MasterSpanker33 is leaving. Tears, already too close, are now flowing down my face. Where will I turn to see words that touch me so deeply? Who will put the voice to my thoughts, my feelings, in a manner I am incapable of? How will I find that moment of pure bliss in reading the brilliant words that paint such beautiful images in my mind?
Ive sat here, looking at this posting, for a couple of hours now. Do I put it up, do I not? Do I share the pain actions of others can inflict? Would it be better to just let it go, not share it with anyone? Dare I allow you to see how incredibly sensitive I can be?
Maybe I allow other people to become too important to me. Yes, it may only be words, but there is a commonality that draws me in. I feel their pain, I celebrate their joys, and I offer them a place in my heart. Call me an idiot. I know I am. One of these days I will learn not to give a shit about anyone else.
In this moment, I dont want to feel. Im tired of crying. Im tired of being hurt. Im tired of trying to find the words to define myself, to explain what I feel, to look for answers.
|
|
|
0
Comments
|
|
|
how do you do it?
|
Dec 2, 2005 3:10 am
1454 Views
|
How do you ask for what you want when you cant put it into words?
How do you convey your needs when the descriptions you need wont come to mind?
How do you ask the questions when you feel as though you are flailing for understanding?
I get so frustrated at times, because I just cant seem to come up with the right phrase to convey my meaning. The longer we are together, the more intuition seems to kick in. What do you do when intuition isnt enough?
This isnt only a problem in personal relationships. I notice it in every interaction. Wouldnt it just be easier if we all had telepathy and could truly understand what someone meant?
How do you do it? How do you communicate when words dont seem to be enough?
|
|
|
0
Comments
|
|
|
what is a pain slut?
|
Dec 1, 2005 3:49 pm
1685 Views
|
Ive seen the term and could look for the book definition. However, Id prefer to hear the interpretation of bloggers, as I value your opinions.
How do you define pain slut?
|
|
|
0
Comments
|
|
To link to this blog (WistfulWench) use [blog WistfulWench] in your messages.
|
|
|
| Sun |
Mon |
Tue |
Wed |
Thu |
Fri |
Sat |
1
|
2
|
3
|
4
|
5
|
6
|
71
|
8
|
9
|
10
|
11
|
12
|
13
|
14
|
15
|
16
|
17
|
18
|
19
|
20
|
21
|
22
|
23
|
24
|
25
|
26
|
27
|
28
|
29
|
30
|
31
|
|
|
|
|
Most Recent Comments by Others
|
