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today's dilemma....
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Sep 25, 2007 6:29 am
651 Views
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Well, my morning has started off a bit surprisingly. I thought the most difficult decision today would be whether or not to make tuna to go with my whole wheat bagel. For some reason, I've been having this craving for a few days. So, throwing caution to the wind, I mixed up the tuna with some green olives and mayo. Toasted the bagel, melted a slice of cheese, slathered on tuna and am in heaven!
Since I'm on medications that make me a bit woozy, I've been watching my step a little more carefully these last few days. Tripping over a string on the carpet is painful, so I am on the constant lookout for them. Thank goodness! As I opened my door to go to the laundry room, I see a two foot deep hole in the place where my step was. *sigh* While I'm thrilled the complex management has decided to repair some of the major issues here, it would have been nice to have received notification of those repairs. I am so glad I didn't just step out the door without looking.... The last thing I need right now is to take a major fall!
Now to my most recent dilemma for the day. I just received an e-mail from a member I've never corresponded with. Here's this gist of it:
Date: Sep 25, 2007 5:22 AM EST
Subject: For a fat woman, you sure talk a lot.
Body of said e-mail: !!
Now, I'm not one to use the Report Abuse button or send complaints to Alt about other people. In fact, I try very hard to reply to all e-mails I receive in a friendly manner.
My initial reaction is to send him a response such as, "Thank you for your perspective. May you find exactly who you deserve in your search here."
Another thought is to let Sir respond. But that just kind of feels wrong, as I'd prefer He not be distracted by insults of this nature.
Of course, the bitch in my head is thinking of all kinds of nasty things to say. I'd rather not let her loose, as I don't want to let something so minor escalate.
The final option is to just ignore this.
What would you do?
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11
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tap, tap, tap....
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Sep 24, 2007 7:22 am
571 Views
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He has a way of finding my buttons and then tapping on them. During a conversation, He will find something Im uncomfortable with and just tap on it. Well talk about it for just a moment or two, then He changes the subject.
Some time later, maybe a week, maybe three, Hell tap on that button again. Its always the same. A quick tap, talk for just a bit about it, then move on.
Im finding that the tap, tap, tap on those topics is having an unexpected effect. Something He had touched on several months ago is now beginning to intrigue me. Its surprising, as it was always something I had thought I could never be interested in.
When I asked Him about the method He was using, He just smiled. *grumble* I have to admit that I love the way He puts these thoughts into my mind and then removes the initial visceral reactions. They become topics I can begin to consider rather than just shuddering from the thought and hastily discarding it from my mind.
Of course, you know me! I cant be happy with just accepting that Hes found a way to get me to truly consider these topics. I have to understand WHY this is working. Is it because Hes not pushing the thoughts down my throat? Is it the way He just lightly touches on the topic then moves away from it? Could it be the fact that Hes getting me to think of these things in a different light with no pressure?
Following on those questions are others. Is this maybe a way for me to overcome some of the things I fear? Would this tapping work to help me deal with edge play? Could it be that being exposed to it more would remove that anxiety I always feel?
I admit that Im not completely comfortable with some of the thoughts Im having. But there are some things that are beginning to have an appeal. Things I had always shied away from. Certain activities begin to pop into my mind and I have begun to WANT those experiences.
I have begun to look forward to that tap, tap, tap into my mind....
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4
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asking for help....
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Sep 23, 2007 9:51 am
631 Views
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As is obvious from yesterdays posting, I have had a little bit of a melt down. It was good, in a way. Some very hard truths have been put in front of me and I have been smacked in the face with some hard realities.
No, I have not yet been punished for my actions. I know the generalities of what will occur, but I also get to deal with the knowledge that it will not happen until I am healthier.
Last night was the lecture. I had to hear and admit to things I have not wanted to face. This morning, I got another lecture. Surprisingly, that one was from my mom. If I didnt know better, I would have to say that she and Sir were in cahoots. She echoed so many of His words that it was eerie....
I have always been the one who was there for others. Asking for help is not something I have ever had to do. In fact, it is abhorrent to me to think I may have to ask someone for help. Like a naughty puppy, I have had my nose rubbed in the mess I have created. Its not a good feeling.
Denial. This is the crux of my problem. I have been refusing to accept my situation. I have been continuing to insist on doing it all. I have not acknowledged the fact that I must slow down (or stop) in order to fix the problem with my back. I have put on the blinders and just forged ahead like nothing is wrong.
Last night, He told me what my punishment will be for my behavior. I also learned what will happen if I continue down this path. I completely lost it and broke into uncontrollable sobs. What He has been saying to me for weeks finally sank in. I have to face the fact that, for now, I am disabled. I cant do it all. And I have to put my pride away and ask for help. Its an area of control I was trying to hold on to.... Im finally realizing that.
Mom hit home with a very uncomfortable truth this morning. Without knowing anything about what REALLY was said last night, she made a comment that brought me to tears again. It was something so simple, but I just couldnt see it. She said that I have to trust Him to take care of me.
*smacking head....*
I have told Him, several times, that I trust Him. Yes, it was always when we were talking about a specific situation. But if I trust Him in those matters, why have I not realized that I also need to trust Him in something so basic as looking out for me?
Right now, I feel like an idiot. Is it really so hard to ask for help? Why did I resist His suggestions and offers of help last night? More of His statements from last night are popping into my head right now....
You are mine. It is my responsibility to take care of you.
The more I think about my actions and what drove me to them, the more embarrassed I am. Instead of being frustrated about living in a dirty home, I should have asked for help. *sigh* Why couldnt I see that a week ago instead of getting so worked up about it?
This whole situation has been difficult in so many ways. The frustration had just built up to a level where I literally lost it. Fortunately, He understands what drove me to this point, and has made certain I understand that this behavior is not acceptable. It's been a good thing, even though I did such a bad thing.
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9
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being disobedient....
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Sep 22, 2007 5:21 am
746 Views
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Well, as in so many things in my life, I have taken one step forward and two steps back again. The epidural I had last week seemed to be working. The aches and pains in my legs were being reduced. The burning sensation has almost completely gone away with the medication. Unfortunately, that all disappeared Thursday afternoon.
Ive only been in the office for four hours since August 18. While I have been able to get my work done from home, there is something to be said for having that face time with my co-workers. Since I seemed to be recovering, I decided to try spending more time sitting as last week progressed. On Monday, I sat at my desk for two hours. No problem! Every day I increased the time, figuring I could get to eight hours and then feel comfortable with going back to the office for a couple of days before going out to Chicago for three or four weeks.
On Thursday, things seemed to be going fine. I was careful to not sit for more than thirty minutes at a time. The instructions I had received from the physical therapist was that I needed to walk around for at least 5 minutes before sitting again. Having been through all of this four years ago, I knew to follow those instructions. Unfortunately, with no warning, at five hours of doing this routine, I went into spasms again. The pins and needles feeling in my left calf, ankle and foot went from barely noticeable to almost painful. I started to have pain in the back of my thigh and left buttock. *sigh* I was back to where I had been three weeks ago.
After spending most of Thursday night and Friday in tears, I caved in and called the specialist. Im back on Percocet and Valium again. My Lyrica dosage has been doubled. And Im scheduled for a follow-up epidural on Friday.
As is usual, Sir came over last night after work. His concern for my condition was quite evident. As He left for work this morning, He was very specific in the instructions I was given. Today, I am to do as little as possible in order to take care of my back. While I am quite gratified by His concern, I now have a serious dilemma facing me.
Sir is allergic to cats. As you probably know if you read my blog, I have two. Normally, He has no problem coming here, as I run the sweeper at least once or twice a week and keep the apartment pretty clean. Since the cats sleep with me during the week, I also make certain the sheets on the bed are changed every Friday morning so He will not have to deal with dander on them. The problem? I havent been able to run the sweeper for two weeks, as that is one of the big no-no tasks according to my physical therapist. The pain I had yesterday meant I didnt get the bedding changed. Poor Sir spent the night coughing and having a hard time breathing due to congestion.
Im going to be disobedient today. I HAVE to run the sweeper and change the bed linens. It is too painful for me to see Him suffering for something that can be fixed so easily.
He had joked with me last week about putting up a posting asking all of you to suggest punishment for transgressions. Since I am intentionally being disobedient, I wont wait for Him to tell me to make this posting. I will also be sending an e-mail to His Domme friend asking for her suggestions.
I am intentionally and willfully disobeying His instructions to me this morning. Please suggest an appropriate punishment for my behavior. If Sir wishes, I will let you know what He decided to do.
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7
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the Goddess is back!!!!!
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Sep 22, 2007 3:38 am
520 Views
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When I logged in this morning to check my blog, I wa so thrilled to see one of my favorite people is back!
DarkGoddess has been someone I have adored from the first moment I read her blog. I have had to wondrous great fortune to meet her. Folks, she is one of the MOST beautiful women I have ever seen.... Please take a moment to drop by her blog and give her a warm welcome!
Mo, I can't tell you how fabulous it is to see you here again. I am so glad to have the opportunity to learn from you and see those vignettes of your life.
I've missed you, gorgeous!
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things im missing....
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Sep 19, 2007 4:32 pm
489 Views
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The sound of your voice.
The feel of your lips.
Watching TV with you.
Walking down the street holding your hand.
The conversations.
The laughter.
Drinking coffee with you in the morning.
Sliding into bed next to you at night.
Watching you torture the kitties.
Long, slow showers.
These are the things that I miss when youre not around....
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do you have to be a sadist?
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Sep 17, 2007 4:10 am
770 Views
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Living through physical therapy again, this question keeps popping into my mind. Do you have to be a sadist to go into certain professions?
PT is just about as hard as getting a good spanking from Him. The only difference is that I dont have to say, Thank you for the pain....
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5
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feel free to add a comment....
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Sep 15, 2007 5:37 am
716 Views
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Here is the most recent posting on the site support blog. Please feel free to add your own comment about the appreciation for our patience!
[post 373462]
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6
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ALT'S BLACK SATURDAY JOKE OF THE DAY....
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Sep 15, 2007 4:20 am
691 Views
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_BUILDhER has suggested we all post about how bad the service is here at ALT. ALT'S BLACK SATURDAY, SEPTEMBER 15
So..... Here's my complaint.
I posted something on ALT and it was so slow in loading that my pain medication wore off. I'm serious! My ability to spend time sitting was quite low a couple of weeks ago. I was trying to post some comments while waiting for a work report to run. It took so long and so many attempts to reload pages that my pain medication wore off. And, yes, I've cleared my cache, etc. In fact, I use this particular browser ONLY for ALT.
What's your story about the poor service here? Please share your complaints!
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To link to this blog (WistfulWench) use [blog WistfulWench] in your messages.
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