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Why I AM poly and why I'm NOT monogamous
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Jul 16, 2009 8:02 am
1606 Views
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OK, this is a pretty direct response to a post I saw on Fetlife. While not my typical style, I have styled it to reflect the style the original post was done in. Lets see how it works...
So, some may ask, "Why would I care for more than one person when I could limit myself to just one?" Well here's my answer: Typically limiting your affection to just one person leads to an increase in jealousy and insecurities, the need to feel you cannot live without your partner, all in all it leads to unhealthy relationships. Anyone who thinks poly leads to jealousy has not paid attention, "monogamous" couples have jealousy a plenty, and insecurities because they feel they might be replaced, where in a poly relationship, others can be added, there is no need to practice "serial monogamy".
Now, why I am poly. Our society is caught up in the after effects of Victorian morality. Throughout most of our history, poly has been the norm, but with the Victorian era things got highly restricted, homosexuals, poly relationships and anything outside the highly restricted morals of the church were outlawed. Love is meant to be free, Jesus told us to "love your neighbor as yourself", now that does not mean we should have a passionate love for everyone, but it does show that love is meant to be much more free than the limitations many place on it. Love is meant to be a passion, a flame, and what does a flame do when you smother it? It dies. I believe that being poly is a challenge, more so than being monogamous, in a truly monogamous relationship, the partners don't grow to be better, they cling to each other like they are drowning, keeping things balanced, learning to stay flexible to handle the needs of different people, that is growth potential.
I have had monogamous D/s experiences, one lasted for many years, but a couple of years in the smothering effect doused the flame of love I felt initially, I even contemplated suicide at one point, not a place I ever thought I would be and one I do not care to get back to. I am loyal, faithful and devoted to my partners. I see monogamy as selfish and limited, monogamous people are putting their own insecurities out as limits on their relationships, putting their own insecurities above their partner.
This is why I AM poly. Why are you poly or monogamous? Why aren't you poly or monogamous? I'd like to hear other people's thoughts on the subject.
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Just having fun...
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Jun 15, 2009 9:55 am
1391 Views
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We have all heard it "I'm just having a little fun", usually associated with someone doing something REALLY stupid, be it drugs, drinking to excess, dangerous stunts, etc. We hear it all the time, yet some people still live their life like there is no tomorrow, and unfortunately for them, there often is a tomorrow filled with pain and suffering because they destroyed their body or finances having fun the day before.
"One trouble with trouble is that is usually starts out like fun" - Anonymous
Having fun is a balancing act, like most else in life, anything taken to excess is a bad thing, we all know it. An occasional drink is good for your body, a dozen drinks makes you stupid. Eating a well balanced diet is good for you, eating a few 2,000 calorie burgers is gonna screw you up.
I have at times been describes as a "stick in the mud" or assorted other terms that mean the same thing. Of course I did not take it much to heart since the person calling me those things considered going to the beach on a sunny and windy day and getting pummeled by the waves all day, coming home with a body full of sun burn, bruises and cuts that lasted for weeks "fun". Nope, that is not fun in my book, stupid yes, fun no. Fun to me is something sustainable, if it leaves you in poor condition long term, that crosses the line into stupid.
I try to focus on activities that are more sustainable, be that fun or profitable activities, if they leave you worse off in the long run, are they really worth it?
"Live life fully while you're here. Experience everything. Take care of yourself and your friends. Have fun, be crazy, be weird. Go out and screw up! You're going to anyway, so you might as well enjoy the process. Take the opportunity to learn from your mistakes: find the cause of your problem and eliminate it. Don't try to be perfect; just be an excellent example of being human." - Anthony Robbins
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Moral activists
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Mar 31, 2009 12:20 pm
1430 Views
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Welcome to the bible belt... Last year I moved out from the city to a smaller outlying town, nice place. Well with a smaller town apparently comes a smaller education, and a smaller mind.
Somehow, and this is not known how at this time, the local townsfolk discovered my websites, and somehow located my home address, which was a neat trick since my address is not listed anywhere public.
What followed has been a campaign of harassment, e-mails, people showing up at the door, the local law enforcement being asked to "shut us down", even though local law enforcement knows that no crimes have been committed, even calls to others to try to force us to move.
Gotta love ignorance and bigotry in the south, for years I have been explaining to people that the south has come a long way, apparently I was wrong, and the people of the south still use the bible to justify the most hateful of acts, someone want to stand up and show me where the real Christians reside? Apparently it ain't in Winnsboro...
I have shut the House of Wyrd down for now and possibly forever, I won't endanger my family and friends, no telling what some of these ignorant folks will do. I will still be around, and still doing activities, just not at the house.
A crying shame when a person cannot have his friends over for fear the townsfolk will come hurt or kill them.
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What makes a good teacher?
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Mar 26, 2009 10:04 am
1418 Views
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"You are rewarding a teacher poorly if you remain always a pupil." - Friedrich Nietzsche
Look around and you will find all kinds of lists of what makes a good teacher, and as odd as it may seem for adults, we need good teachers too.
Some of the traits listed are knowledge (about the subject and teaching methods), confidence, patience, fairness, caring, responsible, and a good teacher should also be a perpetual student.
"A master can tell you what he expects of you. A teacher, though, awakens your own expectations." - Patricia Neal
Look around your community for your teachers, they are there, and more often than not, they are not the ones going group to group doing demos, self-promotion does not a teacher make. The best teachers are to be found for free (or at the very least, cheap), they are the ones teaching people even now without the benefit of a group gathering students for them, their classroom is the world.
"I've come to the frightening conclusion that I am the decisive element in the classroom. It's my daily mood that makes the weather. As a teacher, I possess a tremendous power to make a child's life miserable or joyous. I can be a tool of torture or an instrument of inspiration. I can humiliate or humor, hurt or heal. In all situations, it is my response that decides whether a crisis will be escalated or de-escalated and a child humanized or de-humanized." - Dr. Haim Ginott
So, what do you think the best teachers share as traits?
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Got dem mad math skills...
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Mar 26, 2009 6:41 am
1427 Views
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As usual, comments made in passing come into my brain and gel with other details to form a semi-cohesive whole, and thus articles are born.
"Time is more valuable than money. You can get more money, but you cannot get more time." - Jim Rohn
We have all been in a chat room or gotten an e-mail from someone claiming to have 11 inches (reality is often more like 6 or 7), or to have a "few" extra pounds, when we know they have more than a few, often quite a lot. What many do not see if the numbers don't match up with reality in other places as well, and no one bothers to correct or even go back to check things.
What got me started on this was a comment about an event that occurred "3 1/2 years ago", which instantly stood out in my brain as wrong, the reference point I used for comparison was when I met one of my girls, which is not yet 3 years ago, and this event in question occurred after that.
What it gelled with was a BDSM club celebrating 3 years, which has only been open for 2 year, and don't get me wrong it is a great facility, but why the increase in time? Do people not bother to go back and check things? Am I the only one that sees these things? I am sure it could be my OCD...
So, do BDSMers got "dem mad math skills" or is there something else going on here?
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To those who came before me
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Mar 23, 2009 4:35 pm
1358 Views
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"To those who came before me in seasons long ago
To those who are the loved-ones that I have yet to know
To those whose noble names I bear, whose light within me burns
To them in gratitude shall my heart be turned
To those whose lives of courage prepared the way for me
Whose works became my heritage, whose harvest I may reap
Who left for me a legacy that I have yet to earn
To them in gratitude shall my heart be turned
To those who came before me in days and years long past
To those who are the family that I shall know at last
To those who seek the blessings of the truth that I have learned
To them in gratitude shall my heart be turned" - Sally DeFord, To Those Who Came Before Me
We, each of us, is the sum of our history, the good, the bad, the indifferent. We are a sum of experiences, positive and negative, each new experience changing our world. I have had the benefit of having some very skilled and good people in my past give me their knowledge and experiences freely, so that I would have to repeat their mistakes, but to make all new ones, to travel new realms and new worlds.
"You have to know the past to understand the present." - Dr. Carl Sagan
I see each day in society, people so busy doing they don't look at the big picture, the past and how it can act as a guide to prevent us making the same mistakes over and over in our lives. People too busy looking at their own feet to notice that they and many others are walking the same path that many others have, not able to stand tall and see where they are going, but too proud to ask for directions or even take directions freely given.
"If I have seen further than others, it is by standing upon the shoulders of giants." - Isaac Newton
In the alternative lifestyle we have a rich history to draw upon, but much of it has been forgotten in this new digital age, amazing how easing communications would actually result in a loss of knowledge, people choose to repeat the same things that others have already done, without bothering to look and see how they did them, and so they suffer and have difficulties that could have easily been avoided by simply stopping to listen and learn.
"History is a set of lies agreed upon." - Napoleon Bonaparte
But not all that is available out there is accurate, that is why much of our history is lost, easy communications has allowed anyone to write their own version of history, only by checking the source can you determine how likely it is that their story is true. Someone who has been in the lifestyle 20 years will be more likely to have a more accurate view of history than one who has 10 years or even 5 years. Everyone leaves tracks in this modern age, if you can't find a reference to someone 10 years back, odds are they were not in the lifestyle 10 years back.
"History repeats itself, has to, nobody listens" - Steve Turner
I am not always right when I advise people. But the advise comes with a great deal of experience and knowledge behind it when I give it, if it is as subject I am not confidant on, I will say I don't know or refer them to someone I know who does know that subject. If I were working wood and a master craftsman came up and told me I was doing something wrong I would ask why he thought that, because I know there will always be someone around more experienced than I am.
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What's a lifestyle?
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Mar 23, 2009 2:28 pm
1513 Views
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There are various definitions of the word lifestyle "A person's pattern of living as expressed in their activities, interests, and opinions" or "A way of life chosen by a person or a group" seem to be typical definitions for the term, but what does that mean for the alternative lifestyle?
For it to be a "lifestyle" it has to be a part of your way of life, going to the dungeon and playing on the weekend is a recreational activity, not a lifestyle. You cannot maintain bondage or S&M as anything ongoing, they are activities we engage in, so we have to disregard them as well. Kinky sex while being really great, is also not something that can be maintained.
So, what are we left with? Power exchange, in some form, at some level, power exchange needs to be involved to be a "lifestyle", it is the only thing that can be a way of life. Does this mean people who are not into power exchange cannot be part of the lifestyle? This one I would be interested on other's points of view on.
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Opinions are like...
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Mar 23, 2009 11:30 am
1490 Views
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Watching the community over time gives you an interesting perspective, a viewpoint you cannot have until you have watched for a number of years. I have watched people come in, think they know what is going on and then evolve once they learn they had no clue initially, generally the same ones pissed about what I am saying initially grow to understand and start saying many of the same things later on.
It came up that I said something to someone, and of course as happens often, they heard part of it and let that get under their skin without taking the whole. So I was not overly surprised this morning in the ALT chatroom, when the word selection and tone of certain comments reeked of venom, I have been here before, an attack was coming, hopefully the parties will grow and mature enough to realize better, I have hope for one, not so much for the other.
"Are right and wrong convertible terms, dependent upon popular opinion?" - William Lloyd Garrison
What was the attack/discussion about? Words, labels, things I tend to get preachy about at times. If you are gonna claim a label for yourself, choose one that fits, don't go calling yourself a slave if you can override your "master" on what you do, you got a laundry list of limits and overrides, fine you are a submissive, people expect certain terms to mean certain things. But some want that "slave" label, cause they think it is shinier than the "submissive" label. Nothing superior or inferior about master, dominant, top, bottom, submissive, slave, switch, or even just plain out kinky.
The interesting part about the people who want to do these attacks is that they do the exact things they condemn me for, hypocritical a little? I never claimed to be non-judgmental, we are all judgmental, the ones claiming otherwise are lying to you, grow up. Attacking someone for them expressing their views and passing along their knowledge, but getting pissed off if anyone should imply you might be wrong is seriously screwed up, but hey that is what the lifestyle and society has come to I guess.
"If all mankind minus one were of one opinion, and only one person were of the contrary opinion, mankind would be no more justified in silencing that one person, than he, if he had the power, would be justified in silencing mankind." - John Stuart Mill
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Oh, the shame of it all...
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Feb 27, 2009 12:19 pm
1507 Views
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"I never learned hate at home, or shame. I had to go to school for that." - Dick Gregory
Recently there have been a number of conversations come up discussing humiliation and shame in the lifestyle, and I don't mean as a fetish or form of play. I have always worked under the philosophy that if you are ashamed of what you are doing, then you are doing the wrong thing for you.
"Pride attaches undue importance to the superiority of one's status in the eyes of others; And shame is fear of humiliation at one's inferior status in the estimation of others. When one sets his heart on being highly esteemed, and achieves such rating, then he is automatically involved in fear of losing his status." - Lao Tzu
One person came in a chat room talking about how the slave shows her ownership by the shame she feels when she has to admit she is owned. Excuse me? If you slave is ashamed to be owned by you, that speaks volumes to me about your worth as a dominant. I have also read several things lately about people being ashamed to come out to their friends or family. When did it become shameful to be who you really are?
"I used to look in the mirror and feel shame, I look in the mirror now and I absolutely love myself." - Drew Barrymore
Maybe I am wired differently than many, or maybe this "new" era of the lifestyle is one people should be ashamed of, but I know I am not ashamed of how I live, nor would I want to be.
"The secret of how to live without resentment or embarrassment in a world in which I was different from everyone else. was to be indifferent to that difference." - Al Capp
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Death of a community
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Feb 26, 2009 12:49 pm
1520 Views
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"We cannot live only for ourselves. A thousand fibers connect us with our fellow men." - Herman Melville
Talking with many recently it has come up that the community is failing, both on a local and national level, the causes are many, and the solutions plentiful, but are we as a community willing to make the sacrifices to save it?
"Few of us could bear to have ourselves for neighbors." - Mignon McLaughlin, The Second Neurotic's Notebook, 1966
I have previously discussed M. Scott Peck and his four stages of community (Pseudocommunity, chaos, emptiness, and true community), and the fact that the BDSM community never really gets past the Chaos stage, which it appears we are yet again on the brink of. According to Peck, to move beyond the Chaos we have to learn to suppress the ego and accept that, yes, we are different, but we have enough in common to make something more. Of course that would be a hard step for normal people, for people into BDSM suppressing the ego and personal desires may be near impossible.
"A community needs a soul if it is to become a true home for human beings. You, the people must gift it this soul." - Pope John Paul II
OK, so we want to save the community, build it into something enduring, we are willing to make the sacrifice of our egos, what must we do? First we need to decide what our goal is, a true community has the following qualities: Inclusiveness (We must embrace our differences), Realism (Screw the fantasy, face reality), Self-awareness (We gotta know who we are for real), Safety (We gotta allow people to express themselves without feeling left out or attacked), Grace under fire (How many can truly have a discussion without it becoming a conflict?), Leadership (This one is greatly lacking in our community, leadership is a quality, not a popularity contest and not a political issue), and finally it has to have a soul all it's own.
"A community is like a ship; everyone ought to be prepared to take the helm." - Henrik Ibsen
OK, lets take the bull by the horns, everyone knows I am picky about terms, someone will ask me who the leader of such and such group is, I will often answer "X is the one in charge over there.". I am very picky about the words used and the words I use most of the time. I say what I mean, what I mean in that case is, "I don't see a leader there, I see someone who won a popularity contest." Do I see leaders in the community? Yep, there are a few, usually outspoken and frustrated all to hell with the way things are going. The community needs new leaders, people claiming to be leaders need to step up to the plate and learn what it takes or step back and give someone who might be what we need a swing.
"Community cannot for long feed on itself; it can only flourish with the coming of others from beyond, their unknown and undiscovered brothers." - Howard Thurman
The community as we define it, groups and dungeon crowds, is not growing, in many cases it is shrinking. Does this mean there are less people into kinky activities? Less people into power exchange? No, it means those people are not taking part in the traditional community because of various reasons, most I have discussed it with are out because of the drama, cliques, and overall lack of leadership and focus of the community. We gotta change that or before too long, there will be no community.
"While the spirit of neighborliness was important on the frontier because neighbors were so few, it is even more important now because our neighbors are so many." - Lady Bird Johnson
We need to step away from the cliques, welcome new people, guide them, but to do that we need to know where we are guiding them, most people in the community barely know where they are going, so many paths that lead nowhere and egos too big to ask for directions.
"There will always be a part, and always a very large part of every community, that have no care but for themselves, and whose care for themselves reaches little further than impatience of immediate pain, and eagerness for the nearest good" - Samuel Johnson
We gotta stop allowing those that are self-serving's voices drown out the voices of those that do seek to better the community, everyone is selfish now and again, but those that never have other's best interests in mind, need to be reigned in.
"A machine has value only as it produces more than it consumes - so check your value to the community." - Martin H. Fischer
We need to all step up to the plate and do our best for the community, if the local group is not serving it's needs, try to change it, if that fails, find another local group and try there, if all else fails, find like minded souls and make a new group, but try the existing groups first, don't be afraid to stand up and be counted for your views. But stand true to your values, lack of integrity is not going to get you anywhere.
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