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Relationships
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May 23, 2007 12:23 pm
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What makes a good relationship? Any relationship has to have certain core traits or they fail, they have to exist at some level. I see them as Communication, Affinity, and Acceptance. Without these three things at some level, any relationship is doomed to failure, the more intimate the relationship, the higher the levels will need to be.
Communication is not just speaking, we have done that since we were children, but that is not real communication. In computers we understand communications a bit better than most, since we have to explain how it is done to the computer. It requires transmission, receipt, acknowledgment, a reply to confirm the data, and an acknowledgment of the reply. Many people spew information, never bothering to determine if it has been received or understood as it was intended, we are all guilty of it at some level.
Affinity, most people think this is the most important part of a relationship, but reall trails behind the other factors, how much we like someone or what they do to us, is secondary to many factors, and there are many that we find appealing that we are not in relationships with.
Acceptance, this is more than likely the most important thing, if we do not accept our partner in the relationship, or they do not accept us, then there is no relationship there, this is also our acceptance of a mutual reality, how the world is for us, and my reality may not be your reality, but we need to be in the same reality to have a relationship.
All this being said, relationships are not an ongoing thing, they are continually broken down and rebuilt, all the factors have to be there and remain there for the relationship to be rebuilt over and over for a continuing relationship.
If our communications break down, then the relationship will change or cease, if our affinity changes, it will change the nature of our relationship, and if our accepted realities diverge, then it too will change the relationship. A solid continuing relationship requires work to keep all three factors working as they are meant to.
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Our mistakes
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May 16, 2007 7:46 am
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"As soon as you see a mistake and don't fix it, it becomes your mistake."
This is a well known safety slogan, used all over industry and in emergency services, but why is this not a life philosphy?
We lead our lives with blinders on, not correcting mistakes we see others making, beacuse "It does not effect me." or "It's their life to screw up.", but when does it cross that line and become OUR mistake to allow others to screw up?
Too often we stand by and watch others make mistakes, and even stop others from stepping in with comments of "What gives you the right to make that choice?"
Well, we each have the right and the responsibility to inform others of mistakes we see them making, if they still choose to screw up, then that is their choice, but if we keep our mouths shut about things we see and know, then it becomes OUR mistake as well, not just theirs.
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Patience
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May 15, 2007 8:16 am
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Unfortunatly while many focus on being patient waiting for a collar, they miss out about being patient learning your way, when many of us began in this lifestyle, there were elders, you went through training or mentorship and when your mentor felt you were ready, they discussed it with some others and then you were "allowed" to make the cycle of the community and find a submissive/slave, now anyone can read a website, buy a flogger and go to town as a Dominant, it leads to a far different lifestyle than it once was, and it leads to far more emotional damage
being done to beginning Dominants and submissives.
Patience is a great virtue, and Dominants need it as well as submissives, to make sure they are "relationship ready" before they settle into playing with or establishing an ongoing relationship with someone.
Submissives need to think to their own safety, do you play with the Dominant who has 1 year in the lifestyle and no training or mentor?
As a general rule employers will consider three years experience as worth one year of education, and most of the trained or mentored Dominants out
there have a minimum of two years training, which would put them at the level of five or six years fo self-taught people, with far fewer victims of
screw-ups in their wake as well.
We all make mistakes and we all continue to learn, even those of us that have been in this long enough to remember when the big names started, but we have to be willing to learn, and grow, and sometimes that is by taking a chance, and sometimes by doing the right thing and
saying "I am not ready to play, I need to learn first." And play is not the best way to learn oftentimes.
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Looking back
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May 10, 2007 11:44 am
311 Views
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Not often I allow myself to look back at the details of what I have done with others and the nature of the conversations, but I was wandering through my IM logs, and for some reaons they are not purged, so there were records 2 years old on there.
Interesting to see the first conversations with those that late came to me for training, first talks with then slaves, who are now Dommes, first talks with people who have come and gone, wondering where they are.
People asking advice, seeking to belong, who moved on, not knowing they had it in their grasp and were not aware enough then to see it.
We all make mistakes in life, mine are documented it seems, situations I should have been more aggressive in mostly, society deals us a cruel hand, the aggressive mand gets what he wants, but don't be too agressive or you will be an exile.
Overall I am proud of the choices I have made, and truely few would be changed, as I think I did the best I could at the time, there are a few that should have gone differently, but I paid the price for those and have moved on.
Perhaps we do not let ourselves look back often because we are scared we willhate ourselves for the chances we wasted, there are some around that I know could have been more than they are now if I had made different choices, but then I would not have the ones I do now if I had taken them, so is it truely a bad thing?
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The nature of play
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May 8, 2007 1:10 pm
313 Views
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Why do we play, what do we get from it? Is it responsible to play with just anyone however we feel like?
In most cases the type of play we do, results in activation of the natural fight or flight instinct, releasing endorphins into our body, which have various effects on us, including pain relief, increased dopamine production, increase the feeling of general well being, reduce our ability to concentrate, endorphins also activate our addiction centers, we want more and more.
When those endorphins leave our system, we feel drained, depressed, and looking for our next dose, or next high.
So, as a responsible top, what should I do? I make sure not to play with anyone without discussing it before hand, and make sure I am going to be available to the bottom to discuss things afterwords for hours or days after the play, I am also going to make sure the bottom comes down slowly after the play.
But so many in this lifestyle play casually, no regard for the effects it has later, treating bottoms and subs as toys to be used and disposed of when they are done.
I have seen much over the years, dominants who will jump on the new submissive, before they know much, get them hooked on the addicting play, use them a bit, and quit, the victim then moves on to the next dominant willing to play, never building a true relationship, just bouncing play partner to play partner, the dominants do the same, victim to victim. Only years later when they look back do they realize all they wasted, all the damage they did, and then they regret it.
But we are dominants, we are never wrong, or are we playing our fiddle while Rome burns around us?
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What is honor
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Feb 15, 2007 12:28 pm
335 Views
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Yet another transfer from my main blog site, you can find by searching for "Twist of Wyrd".
"If you have integrity, nothing else matters. If you don't have integrity, nothing else matters." ~Alan Simpson
Honor is a term used for two distinct things, one can have an honor bestowed on them, this is an honor given, but the more important honor is the one we each have inside ourselves, Our personal integrity, and sense of doing what is right, even if it is inconcenient.
"One does evil enough when one does nothing good." ~German Proverb
We stand by, watching as people do things we know to be wrong, and we say nothing, we do not pull them aside and say "Look at what you are doing.", and in this the fault of it lays on us as well as them, we must learn to stand up, even though it may make us unpopular, for we are our own judge of how we have lived our lives.
"Dignity consists not in possessing honors, but in the consciousness that we deserve them." ~Aristotle
Worthiness comes from within, you either have it or you do not, our actions determine if we feel we have it, we act without honor, we know it, we may hide it from the world, but it still shows like a bright beacon to those who know what to look for.
"Not being able to govern events, I govern myself." ~Michel de Montaigne
We have the ability to control ourselves, yet too often we go with the flow, following the crowd, even when the crowd is wrong in their actions, we have to learn to stand on our own two feet and be able to say "No, this is wrong".
"If a man is not rising upwards to be an angel, depend upon it, he is sinking downwards to be a devil." ~Samuel Taylor Coleridge
So true, there is no middle ground on the topic of honor, you either have it, or you do not, and those who do not, are heading to the abyss.
"One of the common failings among honorable people is a failure to appreciate how thoroughly dishonorable some other people can be, and how dangerous it is to trust them" - Thomas Sowell
Not even sure I need to comment on this one, I have fallen into this trap so many times, I wonder if I can trust again, and yet I keep doing it.
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Happiness patrol
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Nov 16, 2006 8:17 am
333 Views
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Aparently being happy in life draws out the worst in people, so many people are absolutly miserable, yet they tell others what they are doing is wrong, or how they are doing things better.
If you are leading your life correctly, then shouldn't you be happy? Misery is a sign you are on the wrong path, this should not be a complicated thing.
Those of you who are happy, try to touch people in a positive way now and again, it will spread and the whole world will be a happier place.
Those of you who are not happy, own your problems, they are yours and yours alone, choose a new path, one where you can be happy, do not dwell on the bad, seek the good.
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