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Good-bye
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May 20, 2005 11:28 am
1902 Views
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It is time to do something that I should've done a long time ago. I am putting a porn blocker on all the PC's that I use. Type randomly for the password, tab back, copy, tab forward, paste, enter, and that's it.
Over the years I can't begin to imagine how much time I've spent looking at porn, reading erotic stories or (of the highest productivity) visited sex personals sites. To think that I could've put all that effort into online courses in programming, mathematics or the science... I could've written a book, written letters to members of government, corresponded with family, or even made a little extra money to give me a cushion.
All this shit that I say I'll get around to and what do I do instead? I surf for porn! I live my life guided by my dick. I tell other people that they should make something of themselves while I slowly waste my own life. No fuck this shit!
This is my farwell. But why broadcast it? Maybe I'm hoping that there are others that are on the verge of saying fuck this and I want to give them a nudge to go ahead with it. Maybe this is a battle cry against waste. Maybe I'm trying to make such an ass of myself that I'll be too embarassed to ever come back if I had a chance. Maybe I don't give a fuck what this is. Last posting, why worry what people think. In a couple minutes I'll never know what the opinions of this online community are.
This is nothing to be ashamed of. I have to start listening to my own advice and stop making excuses for why I haven't followed through with my goals.
No better time than NOW!
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We come here to find love...
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May 19, 2005 10:22 am
1801 Views
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I got an email from someone who was looking for love. He was offended that I was only interested in casusal encounters. He told me that sites like these were dedicated to helping people find love, and that people like me make finding it more difficult. I replied that it was a free country and for him to go fuck himself (he was rude).
He replied back apologizing, saying that it was unfair for him to go off on me. And after all, he said, I was inexperienced. He then gave me advice.
He told me that if I wanted to have casual sex that there are better places on the internet to go. He told me about a site called craigslist.
I was satisfied with his apology and intrigued by this site he told me about. So I checked it out. This site was like the casual sex fast lane. People post saying that they're horny, and within minutes they have replies and within hours they have the hot time they were looking for (according to comments on the site).
I was a little scared about this whole thing. What, no ability to screen a person by getting to know them? No easing into the sex? No taking the time to be confident that the other person is being honest? Nope. Just Sex.
I looked around this site for a while and came to the decision that it wasn't for me. I don't want that degree of nonchalance in my sex life. That is how people get into risky situations. That is how people can get so wrapped up in the moment that they neglect safe sex.
No I will stay away from that site. I don't need my desires satisfied that fast. I do have some degree of self control, despite my mental tendencies.
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This calls for a celebration
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May 17, 2005 10:19 am
1806 Views
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This marks a landmark occasion, I have officially breached the top 50 blogs on alt. My blog lies at #49 in the popularity contest. YEAH! Maybe its not much, but I appreciate it.
For rambling about whatever comes to mind or little interesting tidbits that happen in my life, I am surprised that anybody can tolerate my drivel. I don't write just any little thought or nuance that pops up. Often I avoid writing posts if they have nothing to do with sex or this lifestyle.
I really appreciate everyone that takes the time to read these entries and comments. I read everyone's comments and take them seriously or lightly depending on the tone. Whenever I get a comment from someone, I make it a point to go visit their blog and take a peek into their character. So I've gotten to enjoy the thoughts of many other people.
So with my newfound status, I'm taking the opportunity to express what I enjoy about this blogland.
I rather enjoy BlueVinyl's blog. It is often very artistic and an absolute pleasure to read. I found it heart warming when so many people were so concerned about her during her brief hiatus.
I find Mollena's Brain Dump funny, enlightening, honest, witty and warm. I've told her that she is the matriarch of the alt.com blogland and I think its well deserved.
I used to read Cameron's blog, and I find it unfortunate that she hasn't posted in a while. She was picked on because of her popularity and I think that is just low. She's intelligent and kind, character traits that everyone should appreciate.
I like Hazed's blog. He's got blogs that make you laugh, "smart" blogs to make you think, some that make you frustrated and others that make question long standing principles.
I read She's blog. She's controversial. She's bold. She's honest. She's just S_She_S. And being a fellow Chicagolander, I feel comradery with her, even though she would probably sneer at that prospect. I love the blunt Chicagoan sincerity.
I enjoy the mystical postings of R_Diva. Her dreams can be enigmatic, her thoughts entertaining and her taste is excellent. Her overall image seems to have a delicacy to it. She truly is precious.
There are many others that I read and enjoy, but this posting is getting long and probably won't publish. But I still have to say something regarding the lifestyle or sex...
I want to take you all to Jupiter and make love to everybody... Kudos to the person that knows who said that...
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The Idiot
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May 16, 2005 11:41 am
2003 Views
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Well, its over. I finally broke it off with little miss missionary. It wasn't meant to be. If I would've stayed with her, I would never have been satisfied. She wasn't willing to broaden her horizons, and I told her that I needed more than she was willing to try. Like all breakups, this was a messy experience, painful at times but necessary.
It was good to get a little relief, even if it was vanilla. I don't want to be that person that is stuck in a relationship regretting the decision to get so attached and fantasizing about a life more satisfying. I may be called an asshole while I search but at times an asshole ends up being happier.
Moving on...
My buddy took me out to get over that girl. We went to a bar in Oak Park (by the way, that's a fun town). He met a person he knew that was having people over to her condo. We were invited and came along. She had some very energetic friends. I ended up sitting on a couch talking to this beautiful brunette. She was great; gorgeous, a sense of humor, witty, and exotic. She had these really dark eyes... I love dark eyes.
We started talking about books and went into the girl's cramped den to look at her bookshelf. She took out an Ayn Rand book, The Virtue of Selfishness. We exchanged our opinions on the book, she impressed me once again and then I couldn't take it any more.
We started to make out like teenagers on this gigantic recliner, far too big for that tiny room. Someone started to knock furiously on the door. It turned out her friend vomitted in the bathroom and needed to go NOW.
It was so hectic, that I didn't get a chance to get her number, but worst of all... I forgot her name. I went back into the den, hoping to bring back the memory of her name. I looked at the bookshelf and eyed a book by Dostoyevsky. I laughed, nodded my head in agreement and left.
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Crooked Dick!
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May 12, 2005 1:42 pm
3409 Views
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No this isn't about Dick Cheney's private energy task force meetings with executives from crooked-assed energy companies across amerika. No, I save that topic for drunken conversations with right-wingers. This was about a picture sent to me by a friend of a guy having sex with a woman with his dick in the shape of a zig zag (I tried to attach the picture but it got denied... damn you alt censorship...  )
At first I dismissed this as a photoshop job, but just for curiosity sake I looked into sexual disorders. I found out this is called Peyronie's disease. Its caused by scars forming on one or more of the three cylindrical cavities that form the shaft of the penis. It was named after the physician to King Louis XIV of France that first noted the disorder (Imagine being forever remembered by a crooked cock; definately not the mark I want to leave in this world).
I started to get a little worried. My penis bends slightly upward, nothing major, not even the same degree as a banana, but I was worried. I started to question whether hanging slightly to the left was part of this disorder. My fears were quickly relieved by the soothing power of the internet. I was not difigured. It is common to have a slight curvature and bend. In fact, according to the internet god, nobody really has a perfectly straight penis.
Anyway, I read on and learned that those that suffer this disorder tend to develop these scars during sexual activities that cause trauma to the penis. This got me wondering about the whole alt lifestyle. Some people like to have their penises stepped upon, stretched, pierced, beaten, electrocuted, etc... All of this counts as trauma to the penis. I wonder if those men know that there could be negative side effects to such fun.
Negative side effects do not just include the crooked dick. Peyronie's disease tends to make erections extremely unpleasant, cause impotence, loss of girth, inability to engorge the head of the penis, painful ejaculation and urination, and an increased risk of urinary track infections.
Luckily for these crooked cocks, there are treatments. With large dosages of Vitamin E or dosages of calcium it is possible to loosen the tightening of the scar tissue. However this treatment may make sustaining an erection difficult, plus you must continue taking the dosages for the rest of your life. There are surgical alternatives where inflicting scars on other parts of the cylindrical cavities straighten the penis. The side effect of this procedure is a noticeable loss of length to the penis, although this serves as a permanent treatment, that is until the penis is scarred again.
So as a concerned soul for all people I recommend that men (and women) take it easy on the dick, you may inadvertantly turn him into a crooked cock where the only permanent remedy is to become a littler prick.
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What's Taboo To You?
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May 11, 2005 9:45 am
2072 Views
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Continuing this exposè of my current relationship... The new flame and I went to visit a friend of mine at his apartment to watch the Cubs game with him and his girl. The game went well, so we ended up having a good time and stuck around afterwards, having drinks and talking.
A little bio on my friend. He's a pervert, uninhibited and often offensive to the easily offended. Most every conversation he has tends to gravitate towards something sexual. This night was no exception.
We started out talking about how working for big companies is risky because they fuck over the little guys whenever there's a problem, but eventually we started talking about my friend's foot fetish. He was explaining how he couldn't stay aroused if his girl didn't have her toes pointed during sex. It was a funny conversation and nothing too graphic was mentioned, but I could tell that my girl wasn't into it. We ended up leaving shortly after.
In the car, she told me how put off she was by the topic and that he should be more private about such a "taboo subject". Her words.
I started thinking what she would think about my presence on alt.com. Would I be a sexual deviant in her eyes? I tried to lighten the situation by saying that most people secretly harbor "taboo" fetishes and fantasies and that its probably healthier to have them out in the open rather than tucked away by shame.
She then said that she's satisfied with "normal" sex and wouldn't consider even trying to get to know her kinky side because regular sex is kinky enough. I told her that my chances of having her use anal beads on me were slim. She laughed and said not a chance. I laughed but was still disappointed.
She obviously isn't interested in alternative sexual activities. I haven't brought up any of my desires, but I'm thinking they wouldn't be accepted well. I've never split up with a girl over kinkiness, there's always been some other reason. I'm starting to think that it would be a shitty thing to do, given that we are doing well with vanilla sex. But still, I'm going to inform her about my kinky side soon, and if she accepts them, great, if not, then we'll have an elephant in the living room...
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Tiger stripes and doggy tricks
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May 10, 2005 3:41 pm
1975 Views
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If you read the last entry you'd know that I've just rekindled a romance with an old flame. This started by a hormone induced mania and a mental battle between a chance and a guarantee. Chance won, a renewed relationship was born and I was happier for it... but I'm starting to regret it.
First time seeing this girl was back in 2000. She worked with me and we went thru the typical stages of an office romance: casual flirting, drinks after work, and eventually sex. But things started to go sour.
She became the smothering type. She would call several times a day even when she knew I'd be in school, complained about not spending enough time together and her work suffered. She eventually got fired, got another job and we went our separate ways.
We still kept in touch on and off. Occasionally we'd run into each other and something would start. But our schedules, where we lived and where we worked made seeing each other difficult. It never worked out, but we remained amiable.
Now the factors have changed. She lives and works close by. But there is a problem, she still smothers.
At work yesterday she called me over 10 times. At last I told her I couldn't take so many calls at work. Today she called 8 times and the day isn't over. I thought that over the past 5 years her smothering would've faded... not with me.
This is early in the relationship (day 5 to be exact) and I should expect the frequent calls, but I can't deny that gut feeling that things just aren't working out.
I like most everything else about her. The sex is fine so far (vanilla but what do I expect so early on), the schedules match, I'm physically attracted to her, so maybe I should try to work this out...
I just felt that tremor caused by the desire to flee. There is something about limiting opportunities that causes me to panic. I have trouble sleeping with the door closed, or under blankets. I always have my car window opened a crack, even in the winter. I scan the want ads and employment websites even when employed. The first thing I do when I get on a plane or enter a theater is spot the emergency exits.
But I have the capability to change, I'm not a lost cause... Maybe I'm just being choosy... Maybe I'm waiting for a soul mate...
I don't believe that s#%t but still use it to rationalize my behavior. A tiger can't change it's stripes, an old dog doesn't learn new tricks, and I'll forever be an abstract claustrophobe...
...or can I change???
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Patience is a virtue
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May 9, 2005 8:26 am
2010 Views
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The past week I've been in an odd mood (even for me). I've had the incessant urge to make things happen. I'm not a patient person. I try, very hard in fact, but life's snail's pace causes such an ambition traffic jam that I can get very anxious if I don't watch myself. So it was all last week. I felt like I was plugging a dam but with each finger filling a hole, another spout of water formed.
I was in need. My mantra was "why should I give a fuck?" So I started down that often avoided trail of no self-control.
I decided to look into an escort service. I've never been with an escort but I figured that I probably wouldn't go through with anything but it wouldn't hurt to just take a look. So I went online in search of teasing myself. I ended up at theeroticreview and eros.
At those sites I started viewing all the escorts. I came across the TS's. Many were very attractive, and had positive reviews. Now, I've had private fantasies about ts's (which evolved from fantasies of women with strapons) and got very turned on about the prospect of having such a taboo and socially forbidden fantasy come to life. So I contacted one of those escorts.
She told me her general location and said that her schedule was open and to give her a call at least an hour before hand. So I wrote down her number and stored it safely in my wallet.
That same night I was extremely horny. I did what I could to ward off the urge to go see the escort. I called a girl I've been seeing on and off and arranged to meet her at a bar in Elmhurst. We met. I wasn't subtle at all and eventually we made it back to my apartment.
She sensed my urgency as most women can, and played coy and left me wanting relief even more. She used the situation towards her advantage and I couldn't help but make plans for the next day. We agreed to biking down at the lakefront and she left.
Never had I been so inclined to use the services of an escort. I took out the piece of paper with the escort's number, but quickly placed it back in the wallet. I had a drink, watched some porn and you know how the rest went.
I woke up showered, shaved and got on the road around noon. It was Saturday and the ike (I-290) was packed. I was sitting in traffic, horny and thinking about the situation. I could meet the old flame and there would be a chance of something happening if I could restrain my urges, or I could call the escort and live out a fantasy. With the weighing of options, the heavy traffic, the hormones raging, I repeated my mantra and called the escort. She gave me her address in boy's town and said she was looking forward to a hot time.
I got near the 90/94 ramp and had to make a decision. Traffic was still heavy so I had a lot of time for consideration. Do I go north and meet the escort or continue crawling east in favor of the what if? I wasn't paying attention and cut off a hillbilly type with a beard in a rusted out truck. He flipped me the bird and shouted some inarticulated obscenity.
That was it. I took the escort's number out of my wallet, crumpled it up and tossed it out the window. I sped off and met the girl at North Ave. beach. I was able to regain composure as we rented bikes and peddled off down the lake shore. We did end up having a great time later that evening.
The next day I put theeroticreview and eros on the forbidden websites list on my computer. I really have to keep an eye on myself.
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Pressure release
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May 2, 2005 6:26 am
2113 Views
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I masturbate daily (what a beginning). Regardless of sex, I never fail to perform my daily ritual. Having done this for as long as I have, my mental conjuring of images and situations has developed into a sort of fantasy express lane. Within seconds, through cognition alone, I can have myself aroused and ready.
This mental preparation usually involves imagining myself in kinky scenarios, however recently this has changed. For the last couple weeks this ritual has receded to an earlier state, without the need for kink.
At first I didn't notice any change, I just clean up and continue with my day. But yesterday I got thinking that maybe getting my fantasies out there through alt is a sort of pressure release. Instead of getting the kinks out through jerking off, I get them out through blogging (although I still masturbate daily). It seems as though the kinky desire is a mental construct rather than a physical dependency. Could fetishes have very little to do with sex and more to do with personality or mind?
I don't know if this is normal. I used to be so dependent upon those kinky fantasies that to do without them would make the self service last way too long. Maybe I'm satisfying an exhibitionist urge through this site or maybe its just another part of the great cycle. Either case, come day's end I will still cum.
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Is this doing harm or good?
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Apr 29, 2005 1:27 pm
2138 Views
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I've been an alt member almost a month now. Got excited over a couple of prospects that inevitably went cold. I'm enjoying this blog concept. This is my first. In the past I used to confine my thoughts to little pocket-sized journals that I would keep with me at all times. When I would finish a journal I would toss it into a crate with the other finished ones. Seldom if ever would I go back and look over my thoughts; it was only when I wanted to enhance an idea that I already came up with.
I once made the mistake of letting my significant other view my journal. It was more like she stole the journal out of my coat and started flipping through the pages while I was showering.
She came across some steamy entry where I was describing an incident I had with a girl before I met her. I came back to the room and she was furious. I tried to explain that I have always tried to keep a record of my thoughts and experiences and that my entries in no way would compromise our relationship.
She went on and on about how we would never keep this relationship if I kept on holding onto the past. She was crying and saying that I didn't love her. No matter how much I tried to rationalize the situation, she just wouldn't listen. She just kept on reading, getting herself more and more upset.
I was just out of highschool and in love (this was years ago), so I told her I'd rip out those pages. She didn't believe me so I ripped the journal out of her hands and tore it to shreds.
For some reason it worked to calm her down. Right afterwards we had some of the most passionate and intense love making I ever experienced (up to that point). She was a very passionate person. Often I would think that she would get into fights just to make the sex afterwards that much more heated.
I don't know if it was worth it. We only stayed together for another few months. I destroyed almost 3 months of memories, ideas, and literary art in exchange for 3 months of her company. After this incident, I went out and bought a strong box and locked all of my journals away. Since then, whenever I was in a serious relationship, I took a break from journaling. Now I'm trying a different approach.
Blogging on alt allows me to be completely honest, I'm putting it all out there before someone has a chance to snoop in my coat and get upset over something that happened before they were even a concern.
The real question is this: does my honesty turn women away?
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To link to this blog (ajackson_ccs) use [blog ajackson_ccs] in your messages.
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