|
First day
|
Apr 15, 2012 1:19 am
16567 Views
|
So my day started rather early this morning at a time that I usually seem to go to bed since I haven’t been sleeping well at nights. I actually fell asleep around 5 am but I had to pick up Sir Keith from airport at 9 23 am so I knew I wasn’t gonna get much sleep.
So I pick him up and we greeted each other with a nice tight hug and a kiss. From there we went to chick fil a for breakfast. A quick wal mart trip and back home.
I immediately decided to tease him first thing this morning. I reach over and start rubbing him and touching him just to be mean, while still in the car and driving and knowing he couldn’t really do anything. yep….lol…Once home and I quickly got my room cleaned up and swept, changed sheets etc…we went out by the pool and tanned etc….my daughter and her boyfriend joined us….
Later when in hot tub I got to tease him some more….trust me when I say I had him excited for well over 7 hours, yep heeeee that was so much fun….and I know that I won’t get by with teasing him like that much…so I took complete advantage of it.
By dinner time we were showered and in bed we were both exhausted from no sleep…though we laid down he quickly took control and I was on my knees, he made me crawl to him and I as I did I squeezed through his legs and went to the other side of him, instead of stopping in front of him to serve him, heeeee. I love playing, but yeah of course I served him and we had a lot of fun.
After we were both completely satisfied I laid in his arms where he snuggled me till I feel asleep. By the time it was actually bed time we were waking up.
We went downstairs ate and thought we go back to bed but instead we played some more which was totally 100% just as satisfying as the first time. Then we snuggle some more, and at almost 2 am in the morning him, me and my daughter Sarah all went to myrtle beach and walked on the boardwalk which was nice. Seeing the ocean again with him was sweet. There was a lot of people out to be so late.
We’ll go back to bed soon and I should be able to sleep a few hours and then get up and enjoy my day with him.
It was a nice, sweet first day.
|
|
|
2
Comments
|
|
|
Am I or was I a natural submissive?
|
Apr 13, 2012 5:24 pm
15379 Views
|
Okay here is how it all began you know I have no idea where and how these thoughts of mine came into being, just poof and they were there in my mind one day and night and on and on. I was in my early 20’s.
I had not see any films about this stuff I didn’t watch porn etc…I didn’t read about it. It just was in my mind.
Okay so for those whom already know I was married right out of high school, I was a virgin….I was so scared that I didn’t sleep with my husband that first night instead I locked myself in the hotel bathroom for the whole night and didn’t come out. Yep. Not funny 
Okay lets move on me and him lasted six months he was physically abusive and I had no reason to hang around that so I left.
Okay now I am dating and dating etc…Lewis my ex now and I worked together I was 19 he was 18. We started dating and three years later got married etc….
Now of course I took care of the home and cooking etc back then. Till he took over my job and didn’t let me cook him breakfast no more, but instead he wanted to cook my breakfast and would actually bring it to me in bed, yep I so pouted over that, but got use to it finally over the years.
Now this is how it all started….we were married and out of no where I say to him okay I am your’s completely. I will do whatever you want in the bedroom including dressing up for you, wear a wig, bright red lip stick, high heels, or whatever. Lol… I said you can do whatever you want call me any name such as slut, whore, bitch etc…except out of the bedroom, at that time no names are to be called and I am to be treated as an equal to you. I said however if I say the word “fan” you have to stop whatever is going on and well talk about that…okay don’t laugh at my word “fan” today it’s “red” but I knew I wanted a stop word so I look around the room I saw a fan and said that word, yep…lol….
Okay I told him I will crawl to him and all kinds of things…anyways nothing happen as ya know he didn’t do any of it. My “fan” word went unused…. I tried to write him notes and do a script or so out and he would read it toss it away and tell me to lock it up in my mind and not talk about it.
That was impossible I tried the whole time, yep…I even took and topped him after a while thinking okay I will show him what I want done to me and he will understand. Nope. I tied him and blindfolded him….I even used ice and wax on him before, I even lightly tickle him, ….plenty more stuff….anyways nope didn’t happen….once I was in my late 20’s all three kids born, my girlfriend since 7th grade came over.
She took me to an adult store for the first time in my life, I had never been in one. She showed me toys and bought me my first vib. I saw movies in the store and I saw women tied up and it look nice and I bought it. I brought it home watched it and showed Lewis and said can you do that to me? He said, “maybe” but never did.
Occasionally as the years went by and I was in my 30’s he would do small things upon me asking him etc…and even did more to me as time went on and I asked him etc…but was never in my type of sex of any kind.
Point is where did this all come from? If I had never seen it or read it or heard about it, how did it just come so naturally to me. How did I come up with what we call safe words even?
I didn’t know this was a real life style till I stumbled on this site a few years ago, and was like “wow, omg people are like me” I enjoyed learning I wasn’t alone or the only one. I read blogs and magazine here and talk to people etc….it was nice to know I wasn’t so messed up after all.
But back then when I first sign up I was in conflict with myself and feel guilty about being on such a site and I would delete everything and leave…only to find myself coming back within six months and then I felt bad about it again and I left….etc…now I am here and I have came to the realization that this is also a part of me and there is nothing I can do about it except embrace who I am.
So what do ya think? Am I what we would call a natural submissive, or a switch now since I had to top for so many years etc….or idk what ya think?
Where did it come from?
Were any of you like this and it was just there in your mind and you have no idea where it came from?
|
|
|
10
Comments
|
|
|
My daughter knows my lifestyle
|
Apr 13, 2012 3:50 am
9901 Views
|
Okay so my daughter is very smart and she asks a lot of questions, yep….five times now she has ask me questions wanting to know more about me and what I like and who am I etc….she knows I’m different than other’s but she wants to know more…She has given several hints to me that she knows things already. Trust me she isn't stupid.
She asks and asks I have put her off a good four times now…my other daughter rose was 16 when she started asking me. I told her about the same thing…she is 19 now and she loves me just the same. She never judged me etc….
So anyways, after the third week at least and about the fifth time my Sarah brought it up to me, I told her something like this…now I can’t put every word in the exact order it was said but here is the gist of it.
I said Sarah in my mind, my world there are two types of people pretty much I will call one of those vanilla and the other chocolate and for me a lot of sprinkles.
I said I am a bit old fashion Sarah and I think different than most people. I believe it is more of a woman’s job to take care of the home and kids and also please her husband etc….The man is the provider and works etc..I said today a lot of people don’t think like that as you know. She said nothing wrong with that mommy. I said I know, good.
I said, in my world, my mind anyways, what I believe in is all about trust, loyalty, faithfulness, honesty in each other. Were not suppose to lie to one another and were suppose to have faith and trust in each other to always be open enough to share our feelings and talk about what we like or dislike what is on our minds, etc…she said well that is the way it should be mommy…
I said I know, but a lot of people don’t. I said we sort of make agreements with one another up front what we like and don’t like, what we expect so to speak. We lay it open pretty much in the beginning so there is no confusion etc…we follow rules laid open for us by another so to speak. She said that is also good mommy.
I said in the vanilla world such as what your daddy was, they think different. I said most of them think they can cheat and hide it and lie and do what ever they please. I said this is not usually done in my lifestyle. It is usually talked about up front and if another wants another they talk about that together, and think about it together and do things together. She said well that’s the way It should be, I said yes but not always, not anymore anyways.
I said in my mind, my lifestyle I said if another dominant knows one is taken it’s like an unspoken bond between them all, they don’t try and take the submissive away. It’s like a no touch rule etc.. and if he wants to talk to her he should go to her man and ask him for permission to talk, and if it’s given they can talk etc.
I said in the vanilla world they don’t care if one has a ring on the finger they go ahead and cheat anyways. (Now I guess it’s done in our lifestyle too, maybe I’m stupid, but I really do believe that we should always just be upfront and open and talk about things and not lie and hide things etc…) am I being stupid thinking this way? Or is that the way it really is? I know that’s the way I believe that honesty should always be there. Idk though just my thinking.
I said you know there are people out here who is naturally submissive and naturally dominant, right? She said of course mom. I said well in my life we try and find the opposite of what we are. For instance if I was dominant I would want a submissive partner and if I were submissive I would want a dominant partner. She said yeah that is good not to have two submissive together mom. Lol I told ya she’s smart. So anyways,
I said well out of respect a submissive may call her partner Sir, or whatever he requested. and if if’s a female mistress or whatever she wants to be called etc….not all the time even just when ever, what ever they decided up front in the beginning etc…
Again she saw nothing wrong with it.
I said sometimes we might play like adults play, behind close doors where it should be, nothing bad, nothing dangerous etc.. you always know up front what to expect and you may even have what we would call safe words…if that word is said then our partner holds us, cuddles us and talks to us and asks us what is wrong? We talk about things openly. Generally a good partner is always in control of himself and don’t have a temper and never harms his partner.
If it’s a good match you won’t even know if there is a disagreement because there is so much respect between them they talk it out and not holler or scream or fight.
Now in the vanilla world they don’t care and they do fight and scream etc….I said that is only one of the reasons your daddy and me didn’t get along. I live by different values than him and I believed everything should be spoken about openly and honestly at all times. But he didn’t believe in what I believe in and he was very vanilla and enjoyed his games as you know. She lived with him lying and cheating too, she saw it all he didn’t hide it very well.
She wanted to know what kind of adult games. Lol…of course I didn’t go into all that, nope she is my daughter and nope just not telling it all. But I did say nothing bad baby….but just spice things up a little bit. Maybe put a blind fold on ya or play with ice ..I said light stuff nothing bad… she said, “O I like that too mommy.” lol….she said I love to be adventurous and play, it’s funnier and not boring.” yelp she said that. Okay.
Now I know I didn’t have these kinds of thoughts till after I was married and had sex, then came my thoughts and I wanted them to be done with my husband, whom told me to lock them up and not talk about them. (He didn't want nothing to do with spanking me or tying me up or etc.) Well she has already had sex, she lost it at the age of 16, yep….she came and told me all about it. I had to take her and get her protection. I was hoping she would wait till she was married, but I guess she didn’t.
She knows also that I had tried to get her daddy to follow some guidelines or enjoy things with me but I told her he was what we would call vanilla and just didn’t want too. She seemed confused at that and didn’t understand why he wouldn’t, I said I don’t know Sarah he is just different. Everyone is different.
Anyways, so she said over and over that she see’s nothing wrong with the way I believe. Now I know I water a lot of it down for her, as she don’t need to know everything. But she knows enough now that she will stop questioning me about it.
|
|
|
12
Comments
|
|
|
I’m holding a secret
|
Apr 11, 2012 11:41 pm
10264 Views
|
Yeah I know, that’s not me to keep a secret right? Well first I have to make sure it’s gonna happen so I wait before I say anything.
Well Sir Keith that ya know about and I have been talking, of course he knows everything that I been going through etc…Just like ya, but maybe on a deeper level as I speak to him on phone a lot.
We have remain friends since he left on February 25, that’s a good thing, right?
He is going to come out for a short visit. He is suppose to be here Saturday and he is staying for three weeks.
He got the plane ticket the other day he said. He said it’s non refundable.
Now that was the secret.
However, now I have a problem…I was told today by my ex, that my mother is going in for surgery next week sometime.
I wanted to be there before that or her here before that. Now what? What do I do now?
Sarah is in school and they are super strict about kids missing, if she misses more than five days they can hold her back, she has missed three days thus far. She is a straight “A” student but that don’t matter. Sometimes she might bring home a “B”.
So now I have a few dilemmas, if I fly out to visit what do I do with my house guest and Sarah can’t miss school.
So do I just stay here wait for school to end next month and then go out and visit my mother or do I once again tell the ex to bring her here? He was suppose to have already done that, once I got settled in etc…but so far it hasn’t happen.
Or do ya see an option I am not thinking of?
|
|
|
13
Comments
|
|
|
Sleep evades me
|
Apr 11, 2012 3:53 am
8868 Views
|
That's right sleep actually evades me!!!!
Sleep run's away from me, hiding making sure it's impossible for me to find!
Sleep plays games with me, yep
If I'm lucky enough to fall asleep at a decent hour like most people at say 11 pm.
My eyes burning I'm so tired can't hold them open any longer! Does that matter?
NO!
I'm serious sleep runs from me! I am lucky to get two hours of sleep at nights. Making it more of a nap and impossible to go to sleep!
However, if I lay down when my daughter leaves for school I can sleep about 4-6 hours without waking up.
Sometimes, if I'm totally exhausted I can lay back down and sleep a few more hours.
But generally that don't seem to happen.
And I hate missing the sun! I want to go out enjoy the sun! Enjoy the day light, but NO my body refuses this on me!
Sleep hides!
|
|
|
8
Comments
|
|
|
She freaked out on me
|
Apr 10, 2012 2:26 pm
5533 Views
|
Okay I am so far behind on updating ya sometimes. The last I told you about my daughter leaning to drive she was doing good, right?
Well she has only drove once since her freak out day….and that was the other day on the back roads here again.
We had graduated from these back roads to going on the main roads and she was doing good. Her top speed thus far was 50 mph….but that wasn’t the problem.
Her problem was she wanted to drive to the boyfriends house, me and her boyfriends grandpa often takes turns with the kids. He will even pick my daughter up after track some days and I pick her up from his place and I will sometimes pick her bf up and he gets him from me.
So that is good that I have someone to help me now and then, but anyways getting way off the subject.
Okay, so were driving to his home and she passes up the street you have to turn down. I say it’s okay baby go up here and turn around and this time turn your blinker on and go slow ready for the turn. Well she passes his main street up again.
I say it’s okay, before I knew it she cuts to a parking lot on the right. Meaning to go the right direction we have to cross two lanes of traffic, heavy traffic at that.
So personally for me I would have went up to the red light and turn around putting me the right direction. But anyways, So the traffic is zooming by, ten minutes were still sitting there. So I say, “you know baby maybe it will be easier to make a right and go up to the red light and turn around and redo this.”
So she has her mind to go right, when the traffic breaks both ways I say, “go left now:” she freezes, “huh? What?” I said, “go left….there would have been plenty of time for the experience driver. But she delayed like you wouldn’t believe and I didn’t expect that delay to happen.
By the time she lets it register and figure it out she moves forward and STOPS!!! that’s right she STOPS!!! Right in the middle of the lanes….
Okay now there is cars going in front of us and behind us and she is just stop sideways to them okay. Picture coming out of a parking lot and your suppose to turn to get on the street but she just goes straight and stops.
Traffic zooming by, zoom, zoom, zoom, she’s lost it completely she breaks down and starts crying and her hands up in the air. I am seeing cars barely missing us and I’m like omg Sarah you have to get us out of here or well be slammed. I’m seeing us being hit both ways from the front end and the back, whatever it wasn’t going to be a pretty site.
I say, “put your foot on the gas“….she did but her hands still in the air, I took the wheel turn it for her, and I said, “NOW GO QUICKLY’ I had the wheel turn for us and she pushed the gas peddle. And we got out of the way of both oncoming traffic.
She cried all the way to her boyfriends house., and didn’t drive back at all. She totally lost it and freaked out on me….
I put her back out the other day on the back roads once again. But wow you know that was scary for the both of us.
|
|
|
5
Comments
|
|
|
|
|
Broken hearts
|
Apr 9, 2012 4:39 am
5517 Views
|
Do you believe in a truly broken heart?
A heart that is so broken you don't know where your next breath comes from?
A broken heart to where your just existing but not living?
How do you mend that broken heart?
Can the broken heart ever be well enough to live again, truly laugh again?
Does the memories that hangs on to that broken heart ever go away? 
|
|
|
14
Comments
|
|
|
Happy Easter
|
Apr 8, 2012 1:48 am
5035 Views
|
Today for me isn’t about bunnies, candy and eggs being hidden in the grass for kids to search and find. I am different in so many ways.
Please do not judge me just because I am here on a bdsm site, or just because I enjoy another part of who I am, and in return I will not judge you. It is not my place to judge no man and so I don’t.
But today for me is another very strong belief I have. I believe in the Lord Jesus Christ and I believe that Jesus died and rose again for me, you and the world so that through Him we may be saved.
So on the day we celebrate Easter it’s suppose to be a special day for Christians in saying that we believe Jesus Christ died and within three days rose again from the tomb and witness to thousands of people which is spoke about in the gospels before ascending up to Heaven. And one day Jesus will return to gather His people from the four corners of the earth. Our soul will see Him upon our death, to be judge for our actions and our belief in Him.
So there you have it, another part of me and who I am good or bad in your eyes this is me. I couldn’t just say, Happy Easter and not tell you what it really means to me. So I guess that is why I went into a small detail.
|
|
|
13
Comments
|
|
|
Ex totals the car!!!
|
Apr 6, 2012 6:44 am
5334 Views
|
Wow, yeah omg….okay so here I am alone with my daughter a thousand miles away, as ya all know, right? I have no one, no one at all currently that is close to me that I can count on. Yeah I have a brother in West Virginia and an ex and two kids in Louisiana. Both places pretty far from me, West Virginia six and half hours away, Louisiana 17 hours away. So I am all alone, you know.
Well I should have been keeping ya up to date but I hadn’t blog about this yet cause I didn’t know if it was gonna happen or not so I kept my mouth shut…
But the ex was gonna bring my son and my mother out here for my son’s 21st birthday which was on March 29.…well the ex runs his own business and decided he had clients around that time so he couldn’t come out.
Okay I don’t let it bother me too much yet….so he says he is bringing them out for Easter and I can see my mother and son then. The plan was for them to come out and stay two weeks, the ex would be staying in my guest house here. My mother has a bedroom here and my son has a bedroom here.
Anyways, he goes to a meeting for his business on the 5th yesterday, and he calls me nine hours later. Telling me all is changing yet again. He is saying he can come for a week but has to be back out to New Orleans in a week.
I tell him not to worry about coming out right now, there is no reason to drive all this way to only get to stay two days. As it generally takes them two days to drive it one way.
So I say to him I may come out with Sarah later and visit. I needed a chance to gather my thoughts etc…
So he starts hollering at me etc…I didn’t feel like dealing with his crap and his drama and told him once again not to worry about coming out and I will talk with him later.
Last thing I hear from him is he is going to bed, however that was not the truth. He goes out with a lady and they party, get drunk etc….whatever they did idk…none of my concern …..but what follows is my concern.
He calls me at my 8 am yelling at me telling me how it’s my fault that he spent the night in JAIL! I say, "huh what are you talking about?" He says it’s my fault that he went out last night with a woman and gets drunk and totals the car, and spends the night in JAIL!!!
Trust me this isn’t right him putting the blame on me! He made the choice to go out last night! He made the choice to be with another last night, He made the choice to party and drink! He made the choice to drive drunk!
I AM THANKFUL HE DIDN‘T KILL SOMEONE!!! He is a man whom does not care about the law! Not man’s law, not marriage vows, not Gods law, nothing!!! He does whatever he wants, whenever he wants and then blames me every single time for his actions!!!
I couldn’t take that no more which is of course why I had to go. I couldn’t take the cheating and lies and drama and him blaming me every single time for his choices!!!!
Now had he lived the bdsm lifestyle and understood that those choices came with punishment and he learned by that, and not continue to do it…I could have dealt with him. But he didn’t want this lifestyle that I believe is about trust and loyalty and honestly, and respect. He wanted to do his own thing anytime he pleased and blame me for it. He wanted to live in his vanilla world and do whatever he pleased.
Now he has a DUI and no car!!!! And he was already a high risk driver on his insurance because for the past 23 years he has received at least $1,000.00 a year in speeding tickets. That is a total of $23,000 in just tickets alone! Not including the insurance for him which is to the sky. I’m not lying its public record I’m sure. He has had his license pulled and suspended and everything else cause of his careless driving and speeding and still year after year he hasn’t learned by it. Now he just pays his tickets, takes a class to keep the points off his licenses and continues on like it’s totally okay to disobey the laws of the road.
So now an even worse thing happens he drives drunk goes to jail for the night, totals the car and blames me. WTF you know!
Now you know why I am no longer with him!
|
|
|
14
Comments
|
|
To link to this blog (crystalz43) use [blog crystalz43] in your messages.
|
|
|
| Sun |
Mon |
Tue |
Wed |
Thu |
Fri |
Sat |
| |
|
1
|
2
|
3
|
4
|
5
|
6
|
7
|
8
|
9
|
10
|
111
|
12
|
13
|
14
|
15
|
16
|
17
|
18
|
19
|
|
201
|
21
|
22
|
23
|
24
|
25
|
26
|
27
|
28
|
29
|
30
|
31
|
|
|
Most Recent Comments by Others
|
