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A New Experience
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Nov 11, 2005 2:11 pm
624 Views
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Well, I suppose this deserves to be posted here.
I had my first role-play last night. It was one that I was very curious and wanting to try, /victim. I know a lot of people might be afraid to try it.... but after last night, I'd say that most people really should.... weather you break or not.
It's one of those things that changes you a little in ways you'd never expect. In your head, it's not just play.... even though you know you can say your safe word at any time, even though you know you can stop it, you're safe, and have control of how far you're willing to go.... it gets in your head a little.
I was surprised.
At the beginning of the role-play, I was really confused as to what to do... but half way through I think I got it down. Mid-way through being whipped I started crying, which I think was because of all the physical pain.
Eventually, Red_Head69, whom was my partner for the play (this is not a role-play I take lightly.... I expect to be humiliated, abused, and scared.... and I would not let just ANYONE do this role-play with me. I trust Red_Head69 a lot) had me suspended from a post, and he was whipping my back. I was starting to break, honestly. He noticed I became a lot more quiet and submissive.
By the time the role-play was over, I was in tears and luckily, I think I chose the perfect person for my first time in this role-play. Once the play was over, it was over.... and I felt safe and respected.... despite the fact that just a few minutes ago, I had been helpless.... reduced down to an object.
The whole night, I felt very pensive.... and honestly different. I think it's weird... and I honestly think some of my behaviors have slightly changed.
The only way I can explain it is.... like through the role-play.... something was stripped away, something that I guess I didn't need in the first place. It's like being naked to the world.... bare, down to the purest, most instinctual part of myself. I don't know how, but, while I felt vulnerable, I also felt uplifted. I don't know if any of that makes sense, but I suppose... you'd have to have been there.
I was just amazed by the whole thing. It was extremely intense.... frightening, exciting.
I would not ever tell anyone that they shouldn't try it. I think it's one of those things that changes people. It's made me think about and re-think a lot of things. I think it was benefital. Somewhere, in-between the fear, anger, tears, and pensive feeling.... it was wonderful. It's like being real, as weird as it sounds.
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Ugh?
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Aug 1, 2005 1:09 pm
708 Views
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I'm really tired of people who don't know me trying to make up my mind for me.
Don't people get it? I am me and I can make my own desisions of who I want to be with and who I don't.
I am a sub and a slave, but this does not mean I can't think for myself. I'm sorry, I'm a living, breathing, thinking being.
And what's more... a lot of people on Alt don't seem to read profiles. I've gotten quite a few messages from male submisives... and quite a few messages from people who want things that I have stated I'm not willing to give.
Also - winey men and sore loosers. Sorry, big turn offs. And sorry, (you know who you are)... but you're blocked and blocked good.
I don't care what you think of my Dom/Master. I really could give a shit less. The way you acted just prooves to me that I DON'T want you as a Dom/Master. So... kiss my arser. ^_^
Ugh... it's just slightly annoying... really ticked me.
All these needy people that for whatever reason, think I could do everything for them... and they don't take the time to know me or realize what I'm about.
All these people who 'want to give me' everything or something in exchange for something and don't realize that I don't want anything. It is in my nature to give, not receive... and I don't take well to gifts.
Why don't people get that?
Why don't people listen?
Why don't people pay attention?
I'm not saying everyone is like this - because they aren't.
I'd like to make everyone happy... but I can only be one person in one place at one time. I'm sorry, that's just how it is. I am human - I have limitations... just like everyone else.
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Love is a Collar
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Jul 24, 2005 12:44 pm
658 Views
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Ignore the name if you think it weird.
I have a wonderful Master. I just wanted to say that. Never before have I seen such a perfect balance of patience and power.
I want to fall to His feet and beg for Him to take me. I want to spend every waking moment serving Him.
So, maybe it's the first month nostalgia... but His satisfaction makes me feel so wonderful. Happy, content... complete.
Words don't and can't describe the way I feel, being a slave, being His slave... but I don't believe that words are really needed. It's just wonderful that way.
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One Of 'Those' Days
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Jun 20, 2005 12:15 pm
818 Views
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I am extremely masochistic today. I'm really just wanting someone to use me. That's all I feel like doing... giving up complete control and being used.
And, by all means... I would... but I've made a commitment to wait. Wait on having relations of any sorts with a male. Wait on relocating.
Once this summer is over and everyone's gone to College, I think... I want to leave.
I always have this feeling that I just want to run away from this town... this stupid, boring little shit town that I've been stuck in for all my life. All my bad memories and all my bad emotions are claimed and owned by this place.
I've always wanted to leave so I can reinvent myself. I always wanted to get away from all the people I know here so I can really be myself... and not who they've come to believe I am.
And right now... I want to run as far away as possible. I'm thinking Europe, so far away... but my work gets in the way of taking any sorts of long trips.
I just feel like flying into someone's arms... whomever they are. As romantic as that may sound, it's not.
I want to be disciplined. I'm running low on love or patience for myself. I just can't take it anymore. I want someone to teach me a lesson... set me straight. I never knew how to do it myself. I'm not good at teaching my own self a lesson.... it always back-fires.
*(sigh)* At this point in time, I'm probably just rambling. I just wanted to get that out.
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Cell Phones, Cell Phones
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Jun 15, 2005 10:01 am
1068 Views
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First order of business: Since so many people wanted to contact me about my last blog post, I changed my settings to all members, rather than just friends.
Second order of business: I'm going to make myself single and availible, but that doesn't mean I'm going to enter into a relationship too fast. I make the mistake of it quite often of rushing into relationships that I eventualy want to run far away from (for whatever reason... it's in my nature). So, I think I'll grill and question, and get to know any possible Doms.
Thanks for the comments: DarkGoddess,bbwbadgrl, and foulmama.
And as the title says, Cell Phones. I'm getting myself a cell phone and if you guys have any suggestions on what I should get, I'd love to hear it. I'm looking for something that also does messanging and e-mail, since I'm not so big about talking on the phone. But either way, if I need to talk to someone on the phone from Alt, I want a phone number to give out, other than my home phone *(sighs)*.
I think sleep and THC did me some good, and I'm feeling a lot better today than I did yesterday.
So yes. That's all I had to say.
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Sighs, Simple
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Jun 14, 2005 10:34 pm
1078 Views
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It's been a rough week so far.
I've been so out of it.
Yesterday I got so angry at myself. No one gets it... I punished myself. And no one needs to get it.
I've been in self-hate mode. Running dead.
The Man whom has claimed me asked me to do some things that I personally don't want to, and doubt I can handle.
I told Him that I don't want to be involved with anyone but Him, unless He's there with me all through it.
I feel like he's using my fears against me, and that's not what it's about for me. I don't want pure fear, I want fear and excitement. Do you understand what I mean?
He's overstepping a boundary that I CAN'T cross... told me I have to do something with another person that I don't even thing this person would be up to, and I'm certainly not!
I'm starting to think this Man has a main fetish of humiliation, and only that. I can deal with minor humiliation, especially if it's for punishment... but He's asking me to go beyond just punishment and humiliation, into a place where I won't enter or even consider.
It's an emotional wrack on my brain. I don't know what to do... but I know I CAN'T do that. I could try all I want, but it's something I CAN'T do.
I know, I could be considered broken merchandise, but I don't want anyone playing with my emotional shit like that. Yes, there's just some places I won't go. I consider myself a very open minded person... but I've got a good, clean-cut trauma backing me up here and ten-thousand phobias to match.
He didn't even give me the chance to argue or say that I'm very uncomfortable. He just logged and left me there feeling sick and rotten.
I just wanted to rush to the bathroom and puke my guts out.
The thought is unnerving. I can't and won't do it. That's just it.
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