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Sex and Love, Sex and Duty
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May 2, 2006 8:37 pm
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Sex and Love, Sex and Duty.
[sighs]. I'm chatting with my skype friend from Paris. Which has motivated me to update this blog.
I've been thinking about the reasons why I haven't had sex and why I remain a virgin at age 32. My friend in Paris says I am a cute guy and that it is, therefore, a paradox that I am still a virgin. This (sex) blog has been set up to explore that paradox.
I think it is fair to say that I have suppressed my sex drive, even to the point, of regarding it as an aberration of nature. I had developed this false conception of duty. Probably, it will also a result of not having any real friends of my own age of either gender when I was a teenager.
My conception of duty, developed in my teens, developed to the point, where I made a conscious decision, not to engage in any sexual activity. As if I didn't deserve to enjoy sex. As if it were wrong to do so. As if my virginity was something to be treasured. That saving myself, would be worthwhile in the end and, finally, I would marry a dutiful wife, to whom I myself, would be dutiful and we would have, at least, 7 kids together. Well, that's how I imagined it.
The result? I just didn't have any life to speak of - right into my 30s. My life consisted of waiting, waiting and more waiting.
And, now, I look back and I ask myself, waiting for what? Nothing...
I should enjoy my life. I should toss the cynicism aside and enjoy life and what it has to offer.
Another separate point. It seems to me that women who exhibit themselves in photos, in a sexy way, are actually very reluctant, in one-to-one conversations, to actually talk about their sex life. Is it because they are just doing it and have no time to talk about it? In my last blog post, I touched on this. I talked about the young women and how I mentioned the sexy site that her sexy photo she had sent me was linked to. She never replied. or, at any rate, not for the next 30 minutes, before I removed her from my contact list.
Women, sometimes, I do give up trying to under them.
Oh, another thing. What really annoyed me is that I put a lot of effort writing this sexually explicit posts. I got fired from a job for doing so in fact. And, yet, from time to time, I receive comments from smart asses who tell me to get a prostitute or ask me why do I get a prostitute and other deflating remarks of that nature.
It doesn't matter to me. It's like water off a ducks back. I will continue to post her undeterred. In fact, I always rise to opposition. I'm very stubborn that way. Perhaps, simultaneously, my worst and best quality.
But, I reckon when I contemplate sex, it makes me angry. It triggers anger in me.
[sighs]
It's as if by writing this blog (and I do, quite rightly, take this blog very seriously, I am confronting past demons and misconceptions and preconceptions and prejudices and other pain in the ass.
Which, of course, makes writing this blog all the more worthwhile. Even, if the number of visitors I get tend to be few and far between and, probably what few that do come here, are just downloading the sexy photos anyway.
Anyway, sex and duty do not mix. I was far too serious and sensitive...
[sighs]
But, I want to learn from my past mistakes.
Paul Carr
Hmm,another thing. THis women who didn't reply to me after I mentioned the sexy website. I shouldn't feel guilty about that. But, you know what?, I did!! Why!!. I've talked about this before. The nonsense that is called "male chivalry" reinforced by movies where men are portrayed in heroic modes.. This idea that a guy is above everything. Even sexual temptation. What nonsense!!!. I'm only human. I have feelings. I have urges. I am heterosexual. It's part of who I am. So, why should I be ashamed of liking a photo of a sexy woman. Why should I feel that I let her down?
I just felt I was being honest. And I felt, at the time, the best way to be honest with her, was to be honest with myself first. Why should I regard "courtship" as a trial and a test? It shouldn't be. I should go with the flow.
I saw this film the other day. A Japanese film the other day. About a geisha. called "The sea is watching". It's about a geisha. One day, a samurei, comes to her "brothel" seeking shelter. He was being chased because he had stabbed someone important. He pays the geisha extra. He wanted to disguise himself. The geisha takes off her clothes. And they lie together in bed, pretending to be lovers. The pursuers see them and they don't realize it is the samurei they were chasing.
The samurei thanks the geisha. And, he returns a few times. But, they don't have sex. Strange!! In fact, he just wants to "redeem" her. Take her away from her "immoral" lifestyle... She follows his bidding. But, then heartbreak. He tells her (he was young - only 20 or so) that he has been engaged to another noble woman. The geisha is upset and heart-broken. And tells him to get out.
What strikes me is this. He was a young man. 20 years old. His sex drive would have been at its peak and he was refusing to have sex with her. And after she had undressed for him and held him in her arms to her naked body, and, still, later, he refused to pop for her. What was wrong with this guy?
I think I know. He was overcome and overwhelmed by a sense of duty. He was afraid of his older generation. And, this was exactly the way I felt too. I'm afraid of people of my older generation. But, one thing I have learned to do now, since I started blogging last August, is that it is bad form to name names. But, I can tell you they are relatives and they are one or two generations older than me and I am afraid of them. I have this inordinate respect for the older generation. I should try to think for myself and enjoy myself and what's leave of my youth. (before I hit 40). 
And, in that sense, it is right, for younger people to rebel against their parents, especially, if they are intruding on their lives. One needs one's independence..
This silly samurei thought he was doing the right thing. He thought he was doing his "duty" but in reality, he was causing heart-ache.
Kids, eh. Anyway. That's enough for today...
Paul Carr
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An Update
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Apr 29, 2006 7:03 pm
208 Views
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I've gotten very lazy and I haven't been updating my blogs recently as much as I have been usually.
I've decided to put down my German language books for the time being and study Chinese full-time instead. I'm planning to go to China next year for a holiday to start with. Maybe sooner. I keep delaying things for a ridiculous amount of time. But, I reckon it would be good if I had a rudimentary grasp of the Chinese language at least (for the sake of survival and so on) before I go over. I've got to put these things in perspective. I'm not seeking to be fluent in Chinese, just get enough to get by.
But, I must say learning Chinese is fun.. It's much more challenging than learning German which is similar to English in many way and, therefore, holds out the prospect of my learning it perfectly. It turns out that that is an unattainable chalice too. Anyhow, I will return to the German at a later stage.
Anyway, enough of the prosaic and back to the interesting stuff, namely sex.
I was chatting with this gorgeous young woman the other day on yahoo. I say she's gorgeous because she sent me a photo of herself in a flimsy night gown showing her voluptuous figure underneath and her full breasts barely concealed. I typed to her that she was sexy. The thing was, when I opened the e-mail which contained her photo she sent me, a webpage opened for a website.
I went there. It occurred to me that, maybe, there were more photos of her on this database but I couldn't find hers anywhere. I saw photos of plenty of other gorgeous women though which got my pulse racing...
Anyway, the next day, she contacted me again via yahoo messengerto say hello. We exchanged civil pleasantries. Then, I wrote "Are there any more photos of you on www.blackcuties.com ? ". She didn't reply...
I waited about 30 minutes for a reply but none came. So, I did what I nearly always do in this situation, I removed her from my contacts list and endeavoured to remove any other traces of her on my computer. Why? Because I didn't want to be tempted to write to her again and again because I was afraid that I would harass her. I don't want that. So, I take this desperate measure.
[sighs]
In hindsight, I feel pained about it. I liked her. I meant no offence. I thought that she was on the blackcuties database because there was a direct link to www.blackcuties.com from her sexy nightdress photo... But, she didn't reply. And, I was hurt...
Hmm, I guess sex is about respect. You see, the previous day, I had already told her that I thought she was gorgeous and sexy after I had seen her sexy photo. But, it seems now that after I had asked this question, (complete with smiley at end of it), she thinks I am a false person and only want to use her for sex or use her as a sex object. Not at all!! This is how it seems to me at any rate.
Is it wrong to just ask her a question about something that was on my mind. I didn't mention the link to blackcuties during the previous days conversation...
In hindsight, yeah, I could have disposed of myself better. For example, I could have said something like this instead:
"Oh, your photo had a link to the www.blackcuties.com website.. I went browsing there because I wanted to find more sexy photos of you but I couldn't find any.  . I found plenty of other sexy ladies though. LOL."
I could have added:
"I mean this as a compliment"...
Instead, in reality, I wrote the underwhelming and, only to me "witty" question; "Do you have any more photos on the www.blackcuties.com website? ". What a fuck up!! J***s!! I'm shaking my head.
And, then 30 minutes later, hurt that she didn't reply, I removed all evidence of her from my computer. Actually, now, I am trying to find her name again but I can't find it anyway.. So, it looks like I can't get in touch with her again.
[sighs]
I'm wondering if she is thinking that I am a kind of prude who doesn't approve of women exhibiting themselves as semi-naked models. Nonsense!!! I approve!!.. Damn!!. [shakes head]..
I fucked up....
And, once again, I am hurt.
But, returning to what I said before; "sex is respect". If I had been honest with her, about what I had done, (visiting the www.blackcuties.com website) about my desires (looking for more photos of this gorgeous woman), about my disappointment (not finding any) and my consolation (finding other gorgeous semi-naked women there), then, maybe, just, maybe, she would have laughed it off and we would still be chatting.
Crumbs!!.
As I say, the reason I didn't, was because I had already told her the prevoius day that she was sexy (after she had sent on her delicious sexy photo to me)... I'm hurt. I'm pained right now.
And, no sex. None. Months are going by and no sex.. I'm I even trying? I don't think so... I haven't signed up even for www.blackcuties.com yet. I resolved to have sex 2 months ago and since then? Nothing!!!
I need to get off my backside.. Get some sex and get a job too.
Paul Carr
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More thoughts on sex and other matters.
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Apr 24, 2006 7:38 pm
181 Views
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More thoughts on sex and other matters.
You know, I was beginning to think today that I am rather like the put upon guy from "Chicken Run" called Mr Tweedy. He tries to look after the chicken on the farm but his wife is never ever happy, no matter what he tries. He's clearly lower down the peaking order.
Up to a few weeks ago, I had decided to use my msn spaces blog to write about myself in as earnest a manner as I possibly could. But, since I felt inhibited to talk about sex and sexuality, I was limited in what I wrote.
I found myself writing some poetry, for example. Usually about love and so on. Love, for me, being a euphemism for sex. I've had enough of this prevarication.
I'm going to speak frankly henceforth. And, if sex enters my mind, sex is what is going to go down on the paper.
Anyhow, about 2 months ago, I was visiting some blogs in the msn spaces blog universe, and I found a blog belonging to this beautiful young woman from China. A beauty!!. There were some sexy pics of her. For example, a picture of her naked in the Jacuzzi, with her back turned to the photo. Great!! Some pics of her at the gym. She was very hot. Though, she had shortish legs.
I wrote to her. She was having a problem with her msn space at the time with uploading pics and what not and offered to help. We chatted once on skype. And, then, things started to get distant between us. I didn't want to impose on her.
After initially helping me with the translation of a few Chinese words, in a later session, she refused to help me. I posted some messages to her blog, friendly messages. She deleted one of them. I don't know why.
Then, about a week later, she asked me to help her again with uploading pics to her msn spaces. I refused because I had explained it already to her two days previously. After an hour, she typed a tirade of abuse in my direction, saying that "You know why girls don't like you? Because you're a sick". She was Chinese and her typed English wasn't the best. In any case, I was shocked. And, I even let out a few tears that night. I thought about her. My heart was broken. What had I done to deserve being treated like this?
She liked dogs. And I thought to myself, I don't want to be treated like a dog.
You know, I don't want to be like Mr Tweedy. I don't want to be trampled upon. One of the things I learned when I started blogging last August (within a few weeks) is that I am a remarkably timid guy. Too too timid. I just let people walk all over me... I don't want this to continue. I'm going to, for example, get rid of my virginity with all haste now. I'm 32 now. I've no time to lose.
As I have already written, writing about sex, for me, is desperate, but also very liberating. Because great sex is to do with the imagination. And the imagination holds the key to happiness. I have a little pain in my ankle, my left ankle. I wonder how much is this pain real? I did great treatment for it but the damn pain comes back and back again.
It may well be the case that I am just a grumpy guy and there is no doubt that as a younger man I was an angry and grumpy guy at times, with an inordinate interest in politics at the expense of sex, for example.
Maybe, my pain in my ankle is just a discomfort.
I just need to live with it. Surely, this little discomfort, this little case, perhaps of one bone rubbing up against another bone in my ankle joint (where the cartilage is rubbed off both and is causing me discomfort) is not controlling my destiny.
Can my imagination save me? Or will I remain a slave to physical pain for the rest of my days? And, if I am suffering under physical pain, then, I bloody well ought to do something about it, shouldn't I. For a start, put some more anti-swelling cream on the joint. But I've done that already 4 weeks ago and the swelling has gone down a lot. So, the swelling doesn't appear to be the problem. Maybe, it's just that I am overweight. I need to lose a few stone. That's it, maybe.
I guess I am a completely disorganized person. Or, at any rate, I like to live in organized chaos at best. But, I guess this makes me ridiculously lazy sometimes.
Oh, I'm going to write a disclaimer on the side of this blog. It will read "This blog is IN NO WAY a celebration of my virginity. I want to lose it as soon as possible"
I'm absolutely desparate to lose my virginity, to shoot my load... I guess I will have to turn to adultfriendfinder for assistance here. I've had enough.
Oh, and now I remember another thing I wanted to write about.
A few days ago, one night, at around 12 midnight, I was at home and I wanted to go out for a walk. I looked for a bum bag in which was contained my wallet. I always sling it around my waist everywhere I go. I couldn't find it. And I paniced. I think it was a panic attack. I think I was sweating for a few minutes. My heart was racing. I was searching desperately for the damn thing. I was cursing myself, cursing god, asking him, why was he doing this to me. For my mum, God is a guy. And, then, I found it. It was on the book shelf right beside my computer.
Afterwards, I thought to myself. Why the hell was I holding onto my viriginity.? What's the big deal about virginity anyway? There's no big deal.. I'm getting rid of the damn thing.
What else to say?
At least, I should tuck into a gorgeous woman before I depart this world.
Oh, another thing. I have noticed, particularly amongst my Chinese female friends, that whenever I meet a woman, who has a tendency to exhibit herself, for example, the Chinese female I chatted about. and another one comes to my mind, when it comes to talking about sex, they're actually quite conservative, it seems to me. It's like they just post sexy pictures of themselves to compensate for the fact that they are virgins?
The female sex. I guess I'm never going to crack that code.
oh, and that reminds me of another thing I wanted to chat about.
My virginity is, of course, accompanied by a love for titillation and to be teased. Since, I had made a conscious decision that I didn't want to go all the way, I stil liked to be aroused. So, I often like to approach, online, inaccessible women.
Anyway, that's enough for now.
Paul Carr
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I'm only human and I make mistakes too.
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Apr 22, 2006 7:49 pm
225 Views
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Okay, I admit. I'm only human and I make mistakes too. And, yes, I guess I do have a tendency to shoot my mouth off sometimes. I do have to tendency to name names and identify people. I'm sorry. I have done this in the past on these blogs and I shouldn't have done.
But, I am not going to punish myself over it. Life's too short. I intend to get up and dust myself down and get on with my life.
You see a picture of Ron Burgundy, played by American funny-man, Will Ferrell, in the film "Anchorman". You see a poster from that film. Very funny comedy. Ron Burgundy, well, he's like me in a way. Always, shooting his mouth off. Blabbing at inappropriate moments. In the film, Ron Burgundy boasts, for example, that he is sleeping with Veronica Corningstone, played by the gorgeous Christina Applegate. Veronica wasn't happy with Ron announcing this piece of news to the rest of the news crew at the top rated San Diego newsstation.
[sigh]
Okay, what else to chat about...
Hmm, what aboooooout sex?!!
Hmm.
Let me think.............
Hmm, yeah, I must acknowledge here and now I have had nightmares. Again, I will refrain from naming names (but I could). But, suffice it to say, there is an authoritarian figure in a nightmare I had recently (about 2 weeks ago - possibly my most recently nightmare) who, well, don't want me to have sex for pleasure, just for reproduction, if I'm that lucky. This authoritarian figure is a relative of mine but I won't identify any further than that.
I did have some erotic dreams recently. One, about a week ago, I dreamt of this sexy girl. You see, I was going to a website where there were webcams giving access to beautiful women. I could go to some of these. I mostly went to see the Asian women. I didn't even use my credit card for any private showing. They were sexy. One of them talked about what she would do in private, things like fisting, squirting and so on. Such marvels to behold. From such skilled and visionary ladies.
Anyways, I had the erotic dream a few days later. I just imagined I saw one of these sexy ladies (asian perhaps). And she wasn't even undressing. She was dressed sexily but she was moving sexily and in a sexy way, an erotic way, a slow and sensous way. And, well, I was half-asleep and I came hard in my pants.
Then, surprisingly, last night, I had another erotic dream. I can't remember everything now but in this dream I was being a little bit more assertive. And I was telling her to do things such as rub her crotch up against mine. Anyway, I can't remember any more of the details. But, again, I came hard in my pants. She complied with my wishes. Perhaps, she was a prostitute or a lover. I don't know. But she was happy to comply with my detailed instructions.
Anyway, that's that.
Now, what else to chat about?
Hmmm.
Any more private and dirty thoughts to share with you all? You know, the reason I keep these graphic and sexually explicit blogs (in my estimation) is because I do want to shake myself up. Personally, I am of the opinion that happiness comes from imagining you are happy. If you believe you are happy, then you will be happy. Otherwise, you won't. it's that simple. Hence, you can have rich people who are unhappy and poor people who are happy. Hence, my present destain for material wealth.
Of course, talking about one's private and deepest thoughts isn't easy and, probably, is an act of desperation. But, my goal is to free my mind. And, in any case, whatever others may say, great sex is a function of a great imagination.
Anyway, enough for now.
Signing off, you chicks and studs.
Paul Carr
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Another Update
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Apr 19, 2006 12:44 pm
205 Views
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I guess I have a tendency to worry too much. I can turn into a nervous wreak. Hence, these blogs provide me with an opportunity to chill out. To write my forbidden thoughts. Perhaps, get some comments and feedback. That's great. But, will I still be censored?
When it comes to discussing my sexuality in the past, I have subjected myself to self-censorship. In other words, I didn't talk about my sexuality at all. The good old-fashioned home-grown "Irish" solution to the problem. Hopeless I know. But, then again, I hadn't discovered the joys of blogging then.
Hence, what I have talked about before. The nonsense called "sexual chivalry"; pretend to a fair lady that you're interested in her welfare but not interested in having a shag with her. I've been missing out.
Anyways, back to the topic. A sensitive topic since I am liable to get this post deleted on alt.com, alt.com,and alt.com,.
I was checking old posts on alt.com, alt.com,and alt.com,, and I noticed that some posts were barred or removed. But, not the same posts. You see, I post the same posts to blogger, blogsource, alt.com, alt.com,and alt.com, So, it was curious that some posts were barred on adultfriendfinder but on alt.com, the posts barred were different.
Perhaps, this is to do with people reading the post and reporting something inappropriate written.
Anyhow, I went to read the "terms and conditions" and the writing etiquette rules for alt.com,, which I presume are more or less the same for alt.com,and alt.com,as well. I wanted to find out why my posts were barred. It seems to me there were a number of possible reasons. The one which seems most likely is that I brought the service into disrepute because I criticised it for some reason.. e.g. I couldn't post more than one pic. Although, apparently, this can be done now, so my misunderstanding. A second possible reason is that I post inciteful stuff. I recall posting a post about a Chinese model and uploading a post of hers. She was dressed as a terrorist, in sexy khakki. And, she was sporting a machine-gun. Maybe, this was the reason for that particular post being deleted. Hey, that sort of thing turns me on!! Have I committed a sin? Another possible reason, is that these services don't approve of my cross-posting the same post to different blogging services.
In any case, I find it worrying that I can't necessarily get away with writing the free flow of my thoughts. I guess we all have to live with a little bit of self-censorship.
Anyway, that's enough on that for now.
Paul Carr
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New Post
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Apr 19, 2006 12:12 pm
194 Views
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First of all, I want to start with an announcement. My sister rang me a few days ago and expressed disapproval that I mentioned her first name on my blog. Sorry about that!! I have removed your first name, sis. It was mentioned once on each of my blogs. I have removed references to your first name from all my blogs. For completeness sake, I have decided to extend this amnesty to my brother and my mother too, as well as my Aunt. Hmm, an oversight on my part. I won't do it again.
I'm sorry I haven't written in a few days. Writing about sex is difficult for me. Speaking about sex is difficult for me. Hence, these blogs.
I was chatting to this young 19 year old woman the other day. She's gorgeous. Very mature for her age. She told me she wants to marry in two years or so. I'm sure she will be very happy. It would appear she has a fetish for older men. She'd best know the answer to that.. By older men, I mean *much* older men. By my definition, an excess of 10 years age difference warrants *much* older. It would also appear that I like chatting to young gorgeous women.
It was nice chatting to her. Perhaps, I've learned something. Perhaps, I too have a sex fetish for much younger women. Who knows. She's young. She dynamic. She's certain she will have a successful future in whatever she is going to do. Great!! I like that!! It's a real turn-on.
But, for me, there's something uneasy and uncomfortable about it. I can't help imagining I'm turning into an older/too old drooling guy drooling inappropriately over a "gorgeous young thing". LOL
Perhaps, I need to grow an imagination and, well, date women about my age. I guess olderwomen, say 30 give or take, tend to be more resigned that younger women in late teens or early twenties. They tend to say "hmm, I've done that"... I guess I like that. Also, I want to be normal. If I were to date and bed a much younger women, hmm, there is little room for normality, it seems to me.
Regarding sexual fantasies. I reckon I need to do some work there on talking about them because it ain't easy. Well, I've gone over much of this ground already. I just want some gorgeous woman to give me a hug in bed.
Hmm, I'd love a woman in tight jeans, black tall boots and thick belt. And, well, tight up above as well. Hmm. I guess this is part of the older woman fantasy I have. The "landlady" fantasy. And, well, she's making me dinner. I've just got back from college (hey I've had this since I was 17 ). She's waiting there for me. Her hubby is out. I'm a naughty boy. We've reached an understanding whereby I haven't any underwear on underneath.
What I find a real turn-on is a situation where I'm getting aroused and ejaculating and, well, as far as she's concerned, she's doing something else. Like feeding me. I recall the famous scene from "Tequila Sunrise" where Michelle Pfeiffer is feeding Mel Gibson (lucky man) some yoghurt or something.. Or she's looking out the window and I hold her from behind (upon her instructions). I don't imagine in some of these scenarios that there is actually intercourse, oral or anal.. Perhaps, in some of them, I do, where I give her a signal of some sort, maybe, squeeze one of her boobs, and well, enter her..
[goes to toilet to relieve himself]
Damn, I'm dirty. I need to have a shower. My life is so chaotic these days. Was at social welfare these days. They've given me 4 weeks to get a job. I was pleading with the guy not to cut my social welfare. I guess I was lucky. He gave me 4 weeks. I said 6 weeks. I thought I could bargain. He paused, looked around him, looked this way and that, and then, turned to me and said "4 weeks". I said "ok". "Thanks". Hey, don't mess with guys in authority.
Hmm, well, I don't want to be too upfront about my job here. I made the mistake of doing that before and got into trouble because of it. I won't be doing it again.
Anyway, back to a discussion on sexual fantasies, a.k.a. work. LOL. I guess sex with the older woman landlady, with the shapely body, and giant boobs, is a great fantasy. Small wonder I have held onto it for years and years.
Paul Carr
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Loneliness
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Apr 14, 2006 4:23 am
222 Views
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Loneliness
I would like to report an incident about a week ago. I was lying in my bed, utterly alone. And, I felt this complete pain, this pain of loneliness. I'm nearly 32 years old. And I looked back at my past nearly 14 years of adult life. Every decision I took during those years were my own. No one else's.. And there I was, by my self, in my bed, utterly and completely alone. It was one of the most horrible experience I had ever experienced. I felt, as if, pinned down by an accusing finger, from under which I could not wiggle free.. I was aging. I'm not a young kid any more. The darkness enveloped around me. And, all there was, was me, there, in the darkness, utterly alone. There was nothing I could do.
I could have run away again into the chasm of my vivid imagination, where it is ever-green, ever-blossoming, ever-fruitful. But, then I would not have lived. I would have only been pretending. Like in the film, "The Matrix", I would, in reality, have been plugged into a huge machine, run by machines, using me as nothing more than a battery, whilst inside my mind, I was entertaining another pleasant world, created by the machines to keep me docile and innocent and asleep.
Yet, I guess, this experience is a fruitful one for me. I can learn from it. I should face my loneliness, face my demons. Because I am mortal. And one day I will die. In the meantime, I should live, and live life to the best of my ability and to the fullest.
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New Resolutions
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Apr 12, 2006 4:41 pm
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I believe I have come to a resolution all my serious postings and stuff will be confined to my blogspot blog (and copies made to the other blogs) rather than to my msn spaces blog.is nice and all. It's prett to the eyes. But, it lacks substance.
It's April 12th and yet I never reported the good news I had last month. I had a horrible swollen ankle. I had it, I believe, for years and years and yet I did nothing about it. Then, I decided that enough was enough, I would face my fears and I would try to do something about it.
What did I do? It was so simple. I went into a pharmacy in Dublin (any pharmacy) and I asked the attendant for something to treat a swollen ankle. The guy goes "okay, sir, we have this here and this here". And, I bought this cream. Very inexpensive. Following the good advice of my American friend, Brenda Wilcox, to lift my leg up during the night (I used my sleeping bag to elevate my foot), putting on a leg support (medium size - not too tight and not too loose) and applying the cream that night, I woke up the following morning to confront a miracle. The swollen left ankle (and I know it's swollen because it's like twice the size of my right ankle) had returned to the same size as my right ankle. I couldn't believe it!! It was a miracle. I had to look again and again to register the good news.
I've kept the support on since. But, I reckon 80% of the pain has gone. That's enough for me. I'm happy about that. I barely notice it now.
I think the problem started way back in 1999, when I was nearly run over by a car as I was attempting to run across the road (I was probably in the wrong). My ankle was twisted. I often thought for many years after this incident, that it wasn't this actual incident which caused the damage, no, it was actually, the fact that after I had a firm bandage applied in the hospital that night and was supplied with crutches, I refused to use the crutches at all. So, I was putting extra strain and pressure on the ankle. In fact, I stubbornly continued to work as a security guard for a short time. It was absolutely ridiculous. I remember once walking all the way home from the place where I worked to home (my present home indeed) (about 3 or 4 kilometres) limping because I didn't have the crutches with me (maybe I was too proud)...
Anyway, enough of that. The good news it, most of the discomfort is gone and I am happy about that.
I often go for long walks in Dublin and I reflect. Life isn't perfect. My life isn't perfect either. It is for that reason I have decided to put my serious stuff (my expressive honest stuff) on this blog and keep my msn blog for non-judgemental stuff like movie reviews, perhaps, relaying my dreams, (that is my dreams at night), as well as podcasts and the like. So, that's my plan. I guess I'm getting more organised these days.
Anyways, back to sex. I like to discuss this subject. I'm a virgin. And I ask myself why is this so. I think there is a siimple explanation. I just didn't want to have sex and I often pretended to others that I did. Pathetic I know. But, there is actually a more blunt explanation. It's simply that I felt that I would be unwilling to give my lady oral pleasure.
Now, I have changed my mind on this. Henceforth, I have resolved to get down on my knees and supply my lady oral pleasure. Feed on her honey. Have my breakfast. And, make pretty damn sure, as best as a man can be, that she is going to have an orgasm.
And this, of course, reminds me of the famous Jack Nicholson Film, "The Postman Always Rings Twice". That famous sex scene on the kitchen table where Jack, randy Jack, gives his lady oral pleasure, a.k.a. cunnilingus. Pretty damn cool!! See pics. Alas, I did an extensive google search but I couldn't find a photo from the film of Jack actually doing the act. But, I found substitutes which will have to do.
So what's next for me. Heck I don't want to give away all my secrets. 
Paul Carr
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To Ray
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Mar 30, 2006 8:27 am
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(copied from msn spaces blog)
First of all, I want to say that I am very happy that you have a mother and father, still alive, who love you very much. It's great to have such a mother and father on two counts. 1) If you come upon hard times, for whatever reason, they will always be there to support you. You mentioned this already. 2) You have role models which you can aspire to be like. You look at your dad and you think to yourself, yeah, I would like to be like him when I reach his age, happy with my wife and kids...
But, Ray, families are not always so idealistic. I love my dad and mum very much too. My dad died when I was 17 years old. I guess for someone of my age, where a father is a huge role model, it would be devastating or, at least, damaging for a time. More so, I suppose if I had been even younger. To make matters worse, I was very shy, introspective, no friends to speak of, and with no energy or motivation to make any friends.
My father's death would have been even more devastating to my mother. He died in 1991. Ever siince, my mother has been clinging to me like a limpet, to the point where I couldn't breathe, I couldn't stretch out my own wings, and enjoy my own independence, and enjoy the challenge of living an independent life. She smothered me into her bosom. I reckon between 1991 and 1997, she gave me in the region of 20,000 pounds (30,000 euros). Since then, another 30,000 euros.. I suppose, I had the choice of taking the money and I did take the money..
In hindsight, I know now I had been making a mistake. I should have told my mother to keep the money but I wasn't strong willed enough to resist her. That is, until now.
I'll be 32 on April 22nd. I can't believe that the past 14 years have largely been a waste of my time. But, it's almost true!!! Hmm, I suppose, if I play my cards right now over the next few years (and I intend to do just that), if I live a full and happy life from now on, then, I will look back at the years 1991-2006 with amusement and recognise that there were benefits for me there to be had too. Like passing my driving test and getting my university degree.
But, right now, I am smarting. I can't believe I had been so stupid.
Since March 18th, I have decided to escape my mother's clutches. I have decided to declare my independence from my mother, so-to-speak... I've had enough. I've had enough of her sour put-downs, her disapproval, for example, of my sexually explicit blogs. No more. I initially told my mother I didn't want to talk to her until April 18th.
Then, a few days later, I bumped into my mother on the street in O'Connell Street. I guess I took pity on her. She looks a bit wretched and had a blood shot eye. I stopped to say hello. We talked. Again, she wanted to cling to me like a limpet. Oh, she has another daughter, who lives in Dublin too, and a son, who lives in Belfast (the second city of the island of Ireland).. Again, I had to wrest myself from her clutches.
I'm not saying my mother is a bad person. Far from it. I think she is a good person. But, the relationship between us damaging to me and to her. Our relationship prevents my mother completing her grieving process for her husband... Our relationship prevents me from living life to the full and rising to the creative challenges which life has to offer. This relationship has to stop. It has to be broken apart and reforged. I intend to do just that...
During our encounter on O'Connell Street, I made it clear to my mother, in no uncertain terms, that if she rang me again I would add an extra 5 days onto her freeze-out until April 18th for each attempted phone call. I told her that if she called me, I would hang up the phone. I have already done so twice. I generously told her I would waive and cancel the 5 times she called me before my encounter with her on O'Connell Street but after I rang her on March 18th to inform her of my decision not to contact her for a month...
But, my mother abused this generosity of mine. And since our encounter on O'Connell Street, she has attempted to phone me another 5 times.
Therefore, I have decided to reactivate the 5 phone attempts which I had generously waived. Adding on the 5 attempts she has made since to contact me (against my wishes), that makes 50 extra days on top of the April 18th deadline.
Therefore, I now do not wish to talk to my mother until June 8th. That is, provided she doesn't call me again.
It would appear my mother still hasn't got the message I delivered to her on March 18th. She still hasn't grasped just how serious I am. She still hasn't grasped that I mean business.
I think all adults are entitled to independence, Ray. I think most adults can strike out and achieve their independence as soon as they go to university at aged 18. This wasn't the case with me. But, I am determined not to make the same mistake twice. I must strike on my own now. Even though, I am nearly 32 years old now. I must do this. No more dependency on my mother's money. No more meekly accepting my mother's verbal humiliations. I've had enough.
I guess it is the same with any species of animal. A cub, before it becomes, a fully-blown adult, must learn to hunt on its own and find its own food without help from parents..
The comedy with my mother is now over. If my mother behaves herself, doesn't call me like I had instructed her too. Then, after June 8th, I will alllow myself one meeting with her (per month) and one phone call and that's it... I think that would be about normal for a mother-son relationship. My mother can keep her money and spend it on the things she wants to do in her retirement. I wish her the best of luck..
I still have a future ahead of me. I want to make the best of it.. I'm not prepared to tolerate any interference...
Hopefully, my mother will be reading this blog and she knows what I'm on about. If she is reading this blog, she will know that I don't want to talk to her until June 8th. If she isn't reading my blog (she has the means to because she has a personal computer), then, in all probability, she will phone me on April 18th, expecting us to get back in touch again. I will then tell her my decision for a further suspension... Good bye mother..
I would like to also add that I enjoy keeping my blogs. It's therapeutic to me. I believe in my blog. I believe blogs carry meaning. They are diaries which you can share with other people, oftentimes, people you don't even know. That's great. We all become public performers in a way. It's not an exaggeration to say that this blog is one of my best friends, if not my best friend.
This blog has helped me to overcome my fears. It has helped me to realize that to labour under fear, to expend energy on being afraidm, is pointless and a waste of energy and talent. I shouldn't be afraid of anything...
Another point: I'd rather starve than call my mother for food, or money for food. As I said before I must live up to the challenge of independence..
Paul Carr
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Sexual Fantasies.
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Mar 17, 2006 6:24 am
250 Views
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Sexual fantasies.
I saw an interesting movie the other day which I downloaded using e-mule. Great program, e-mule... It's a Korean movie called "My Wife is a Gangster". It was in Korean so I went to another website called http://alt.com to download the subtitles for the film and then I downloaded a very good subtitle displayer program. The result was the first time I watched it, I only was guessing at the dialogue but the second time I had figured out finally how to download and install a subtitle display and I could finally get the dialogue too.
A great gender bender move. The fat guy in it is hilarious. I think his name is Sang - Myeon Park and the young woman is great too - I think he name is... Eun Kyung Shin...
Anyway, the movie was different to what I had expected. I had thought, I had guessed it would be about a man, married to a woman, who is oblivious that the woman is a gangster. A wide-eyed innocent. I was wrong. In this film, the husband knows for sure his wife is a gangster but marries her anyway. The in-bed scenes are hilarious... And, by the end of the movie, the guy has also been converted to a gangster, helping out his wife in killing and maiming... His wife is a gnagster boss.
Great movie. Yeah, it's a comedy.....
Anyway, I was going to write a few more sexually fantasies. Remember what I told you before though about how difficult this is for me..... It's difficult...... Maybe, in time, it will get easier... Anyway, really, one sexual fantasy I have, which I have already written about, is for a woman to just get on top of me, join with me, and just lie on me for the rest of the night. Now, that would be bliss... Or, just hold me in her arms. Our cheeks touching and rock me from side to side... Hmm. A powerful woman, probably even a deadly woman, not dissimilar to Eun Kyung-Shin.
Back to movies. Asian movies, many of the more entertaining genres at any rate, such as dark comedies are far far better than western english language movies. There isn't the need to be politically correct. Would a western movie have had a movie on this theme. A wife being a gangster.. And, even if it did, ending with the husband joining his wife in a life of killing and maiming.... I don't think so..... The moral climate, particularly in the United States, these days, is more restricted....
Paul Carr
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