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 | Welcome to my blog!
I use this space to express my views on life, love, baseball, politics, and the lifestyle. I sometimes pour my feelings out here. I sometimes just express my opinions. There are pieces of me here. I am certainly not suggesting that if you read the posts here you will know me when you're done, but it will be a start. I believe the way to really get to know others is by talking and spending time together. But, I do suspect if you find me intolerable here, you will find me more so in person. I also tend to think if you are intrigued or interested in what you read here, you may be more so upon meeting me in person.
Leave comments, questions, thoughts, or observations. This is also a place in which I could get to know you a bit better. |
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doing a happy subbie dance...
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Mar 22, 2008 6:18 pm
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OMG!
OMG!
OMG!
HE'S COMING TO SEE ME! BOB IS COMING TO SEE ME!
i can't wait to see him. thursday night can't get here soon enough.
i am the happiest subbie in the world.
and to top things off we're going to see the red sox beat the dodgers. he hates the sox. he's a yankees fan. he loves joe torre. and he really likes the dodgers.
damn... i won't be able to sit for weeks. 
*skipping and singing and doing a naked subbie dance*
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Soapbox #3...
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Mar 22, 2008 10:32 am
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Once again this is completely different from my last two soapboxes but still the fodder came from the same magazine posts as my first two soapboxes.
As it turned out, the Baptist fundamentalists who were demonstrating outside the AFB decided it was a good idea to burn an American flag. OK, as I pretty clearly stated in Soapbox #2, I am no fan or supporter of these religious crazies. I think their views are puritanical, intolerant, and judgmental. I think their views are reprehensible. But, the last time I checked one of the Amendments to the Constitution the very first one in fact - guarantees all of our citizens freedom of speech.
We cannot pick and chose who has that right. It is extended to every one of us. And the Supreme Court has ruled flag burning as being protected under the First Amendment. Perhaps, you dont agree with their assessment of this act. I do. So, while I find this symbolic expression as reprehensible as everything else this group said and stood for, I support their Constitutional right to do it. If we begin to pick and chose what things on the menu of free speech will stay on that menu, it becomes a slippery slope. Who decides? Are certain items allowed for certain citizens? Do we run the risk of losing our Constitutional right to question our government? How far does this go before we give away all of the liberties for which people have died to ensure we are able to live in a free society?
I find flag burning reprehensible because I find it to be hypocritical. It is a bold statement burning what is arguably our greatest symbol of freedom. In no uncertain terms, it says, I hate this country. It is not simply a symbolic gesture that says, I disagree with my government. It says, I hate this my country. My question is, If you hate it so much, why not live elsewhere? Thats the thing about a free society. You are free to leave. But these people dont want to leave. They enjoy the freedoms they are granted here. They enjoy their ability to publicly espouse their hatred and their intolerance. But, they want so desperately to curb others freedoms that they hate not just our government for not doing it for them, but our entire nation. They have no problem making their bold statements and then standing behind the very symbol they have offered up in sacrifice to their cause of intolerance. But, I will not stoop to their level. I support their First Amendment rights. But, I am also a free citizen of the United States of America. And, that means that while I can support their Constitutional rights, I can also disagree with what they say. I, too, have First Amendment protection.
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Soapbox #2...
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Mar 21, 2008 9:29 pm
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This has nothing to do with the previous soapbox, but it was inspired by a mention of a Baptist fundamentalist group protesting outside of an AFB where an AF officer killed his children while they were in his custody after he and his wife had split up. A local newspaper had printed that the wife had been listed on a national dating site as a submissive lesbian. The fundamentalist zealots outside of the AFB were saying that god had sent the father to kill the children as a means of punishment for Americas acceptance of homosexuality.
I dont even know where to start here because this is just so wrong on so many levels. If god does exist I cant even begin to imagine how he could offer innocent children up as sacrificial lambs to serve as a warning to all of this country. This isnt about god standing in judgment. This is about people standing in judgment. There is no commandment, Thou shall not commit homosexuality. There is however a commandment that says, Thou shall not murder. So god will send his henchman to break a holy commandment to make up for something so heinous it did not even make his top 10 on the hit parade?
I am so tired of religious fundamentalist zealots standing in judgment over me, my sexuality, my lifestyle, my reproductive choices, and my country just to name a few things on their never-ending lists. How have we gotten to a place in this country where the murder of children does not generate an outcry of indecency from everyone? How can people claim Christian ethics and morals and stand in judgment over others? Isnt that gods job?
Have we learned no lessons from 9/11? We were attacked by religious fundamentalist zealots who stood in judgment of us and claimed they were doing gods work. Did none of us learn that religious intolerance breeds atrocities against other humans? Is there no humanity left within the human race? Or is there just so little of it that we believe it only should be applied to those who believe what we believe?
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Soapbox #1...
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Mar 21, 2008 12:17 pm
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I recently read a couple articles posted in the alt magazine. The articles themselves and the comments left by readers of one of the articles have hit a couple nerves with me. The reason for this is they have touched on a few soapbox issues for me.
Here are the articles: [group_post 369495], NOT BDSM: Who really crossed the line?
The articles were both written about abusive men whose abuse escalated to murder. This is an issue near and dear to my heart for a couple reasons; I was involved in an abusive relationship and I think that at times abusers use BDSM to explain and excuse their bad behavior.
My first real boyfriend was abusive. Looking back to that, I think I was drawn to him and stayed with him because of my innate submissive and masochistic tendencies. I didnt understand. I had no knowledge and no outlet. After three years with him, I decided enough was enough. The day I finally ended it, he must have known this time was for good. He came after me while I was out with friends. I was at an outdoor party. He and some of his friends pulled up in a car. He got out of the car and yelled at me to get into the car. I told him, No. At that point he made a move to come after me and to this day I believe he intended to drag me into the car if necessary. Fortunately, as he made a move to come after me, the guys my friends and I were with all stepped forward so I was behind them. They never said a word, but it was clear that if he was going to force me to go with him, he would have to go through them first. I dont think I ever thanked them. But, I owe them. He wasnt going to take on those guys. Like all abusers, he was a coward. He was a bully.
Abusers are domineering not dominant. They are controlling. They seek to isolate their partners. They seek to erode their partners ego and self-esteem. They seek someone they can turn into a doormat. They utilize fear and terror to get what they want. Dominant partners look to build a strong sub not beat her down. They understand that submission is a rare and beautiful gift. They dont look to terrorize a sub. They look to build a strong foundation with a person they value and cherish.
The acts of abusers are criminal. They are not, in any realm, consensual. There is no excuse. I will say, though, that abuse is a learned pattern of behavior. Bullies are borne of an environment of fear and terror. They bully and abuse because they feel impotent and have no self-esteem. They feel powerless and they seek to fill that void any way they can.
And here I now say emphatically and without qualification to all abusers for all victims, SEEK THERAPY!!! AND KEEP YOUR FUCKING HANDS OFF ME!!! KEEP YOUR VILE DEGRADING THOUGHTS ABOUT ME IN YOUR OWN FUCKING HEAD!!! I do not see these reasons your for criminal behavior to be a means for acquittal. I will not pardon you.
There are no excuses here. And, we as a society need to accept that. No one should get a free ride on this. Everyone in these abusive situations is hurt, and broken, and damaged. We all have free will, though. We can all be the one who chooses to break the pattern. I know that is not as easily done as it is said. I have never been one to view the world through rose colored glasses. Broken psyches are much more difficult to mend then are broken legs. That is why abusers continue to abuse, and victims continue to seek abusers. And that is also why the children who are products of this environment are likely to grow up to become abusers or victims in their own adult relationships. It still isnt an excuse though.
And, it is also not BDSM.
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A letter to Edward...
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Mar 20, 2008 8:30 pm
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I thought of you today. It wasnt a quick fleeting thought that we all have about the people we once cared for who have disappeared from our lives. I really thought about you. I wondered what has happened to you since we last talked 8 years ago. Has it really been that long? I wondered if youve gotten married or have children. I wondered about your parents. I wondered if youve repaired your relationship with your brother. Mostly, I wondered if youre happy.
Perhaps, youre curious why I spent so much time thinking about you today. I went to a state park in the Mohave to see the spring flowers. The park is in the city next to yours. I found myself thinking about you as I approached, then drove through your hometown. Once I got to the park and got out of my car I noticed how windy it was. Im not sure I have experienced such winds before. That thought struck a chord in me. I remember you often saying how windy it was there in the high desert. Today, I understood what you were talking about. I remember you once telling me, Its not hell, but I can see hell from my back door. I thought about what it must be like in the winter with those winds blowing the cold blowing through you. Then I thought about what it must be like in the middle of the summer with the temperature over 100 degrees and how oppressive that must be. For the first time, I understood.
Thinking about you today, I saw you as a trapped soul. I always knew you werent happy there. I understood you were there for family. But, somewhere along the way I think you got trapped. I wondered if you had EVER been able to see the beauty around you. I think you never did. I could be wrong, but I doubt it. I saw it today. The mountains in the distance were capped with snow, but the wind, though strong, didnt carry a chill with it. Spring has come to the high desert. I suspect its the most beautiful time of year there. The poppies, lupines, red maids, and other wild flowers were beginning to bloom. The hills were green. The southern slopes were beginning to color in vibrant yellow and orange from the blossoming flowers. Over the next few weeks those colors will peak. I wonder if you will see it and appreciate it as a piece of heaven on earth. Or are you still only capable of seeing hell from your back door? Its amazing to me the beauty that can exist in such an inhospitable environment. The plants and animals of the desert are resilient species. They have adapted and they flourish there.
Its funny how ones environment can take such a toll on his spirit if he is somehow ill-suited to it. For you it seems the climate is only magnified by the physical, economic, sociological, and psychological environments that have surrounded you there. I wondered today if circumstances had been different for us and we had ended up together, if you could have been happy elsewhere if you could have been happy with me. Perhaps you too could have flourished in an environment more suited to your soul. You, too, are resilient, but Im not sure if youve been resilient enough. But, I have hope for it.
You know, I could almost remember exactly the way your voice sounded the way you called me sweetheart and the way you laughed. I thought if I stopped somewhere and happened to hear your voice I would immediately know it was you. I wondered what it would be like to meet you for a cup of coffee after all these years. I think it would be really nice to see you and catch up. I hope you would tell me that you are truly happy and content in the life you have.
Missing you and hoping the best for you,
d
~picture by me - taken today in the Mohave~
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YEA for me!!!
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Mar 19, 2008 8:25 pm
297 Views
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I started my day with a very stimulating conversation. I was even able to cum very easily. And
I am pleased to say that I have found myself quite horny a few times since then. I didnt act on it earlier, but I am horny right this minute and I see orgasm number 2 for the day right around the corner. 
I dont mean to jinx myself but is it possible the spark is back? We can hope.
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He owns me?
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Mar 19, 2008 2:50 pm
270 Views
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Bob called me this morning. He woke me up when he called. Actually it was a pleasant way to wake up - to the sound of his voice. We talked for a few minutes and then he asked me if I had done what he told me to do. Had I masturbated daily? Of course I had. He told me to, didnt he? I have always wanted nothing more than to obey him even when its difficult for me to do so. I know when I dont obey him it disappoints him. And, I hate to disappoint him. He asked me when the last time was that I masturbated and I told him it was yesterday. He asked what I thought about and the short answer was him. From there the conversation escalated to phone sex.
We seem to have a way of not only having phone sex but of having a conversation at the same time. At one point in this conversation he made a comment about owning me. My initial response was a visceral thrill which I suppose speaks volumes in and of itself. But we have not talked about this. Can I commit to him like that? Is that wise? How can I go looking for something more when I am owned by another? And the real question here I think is; is he ready for the responsibility of me?
We definitely need to talk about these things. Im just not even sure where to start. Im not sure what I want. I have no idea what to say. It was so much easier to just live in the moment. But how the hell do I do that with this on the table now? It will be like the pink elephant in the room. And? Honestly? Im worried that an in depth analysis of this may drive him away. And, I dont want that. I dont know what the hell I do want but I do know what I dont want. I dont know if he owns me, but damn he certainly has control over me.
Dammit! Was it really too much to ask to keep this casual and in the moment? And, does this answer my previous question; can an ex be a rebound guy?
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Can an ex be a rebound guy?
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Mar 18, 2008 10:46 pm
293 Views
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I was chatting with redbeard tonight and I told him that I thought I was using Bob as my rebound guy. His initial response was, "Good for you. Use him hard." But, then I said I wasn't sure it was a good idea. We have a history. He meant a lot to me once. As his sub, there was little I wouldnt have done for him. I still find it hard to tell him no. In fact I havent told him no.
Redbeard doesnt trust Bob. He watched the train wreck that was me during that part of my life. He gave me often discarded advice, and a shoulder to cry on. He listened. He talked. He told me things I needed to hear and didnt want to. He knows it all. I pointed out to him that unlike D at least Bob hasnt lied to me. Redbeard says he thinks he did lies of omission. I disagree. The one thing I firmly believe is that Bob was always honest with me.
But, rebound guy? Can he be that for me? Or, am I setting myself up for more heart ache? I have told myself that when Im ready, I will return to my search. Am I kidding myself? Will I really be able to do that? I have also told Bob that same thing. I told him that if were going to do this, he cant get upset if I find someone else and get serious. He said he understands. Great! He understands. But, do I? Really? I dont know. I feel comfortable and safe and sexual and desired with him - all of those things that I didnt feel when it ended with D. I dont have to figure out what he likes. He knows what I like. We have a history and much of it was good. But does that history mean he cant be my rebound guy?
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Masochism shades of grey in pain and pleasure
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Mar 18, 2008 7:03 pm
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I see very little in my life in black and white. Most of it falls into grey areas. So it seems not so strange to me that I view masochism in the same way. I look at pain and pleasure being on a continuum of black and white and in the middle of that continuum is varying shades of grey. And this grey area is where we masochists live. If we look at pain falling to the white side of this continuum then pleasure falls to the black side. Some may think this is a bit backwards but I don't. Black absorbs light. White reflects light. My extremes of pleasure are closer to black than white. They absorb me fully and completely. Pain has a way of being much more reflective.
I do love the grey area though. I love the entire spectrum of grey. I also find that the more I play the bigger the grey area has gotten. There are times that I gravitate to the darker side more the pure pleasure. But, more often than not, I find myself drawn to the light and wanting to expand it. However, as I do that I have begun to realize that expanding the lighter shades of grey ultimately only serves to expand the darker shades. I have also begun to feel that without some pain the pleasure is somehow diminished.
Thinking about all of this now, I realize I have always been drawn to bits of pain. I dont think it always caused me the same pleasure that I get from it now, but there has always been a sort of pleasure entwined in the pain. Now, there are times I crave pain. And I crave a good sadistic dom who wants to help me expand the grey area in my life that is masochism.
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To link to this blog (jadedgypsy) use [blog jadedgypsy] in your messages.
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