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ha ha ha de ha ha ha
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Mar 1, 2007 10:58 am
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so i got some funny messages and thought i'd share them:
"You have very cute legs and that t-shirt makes me think very BAD things...lol I have always loved anime. Hope to hear from ya. Chris"
typical, because i am an otaku(whos not that into anime) you think because you say the a word that i'm going to be all lyk woah! most guys that are into anime are freakin creepy and socially clueless, no offense. every now and then there are some normal ones, but unfortunately the crazies outweigh the normals..now why are their more normal/sane girls that are into anime/otakus than guys?
our final note comes from the lovely paul66636:
" u interested in water sports?"
i don't know, am i into water sports?lol
are you interested in taking care of your boobage issue? seriously man, if your above an a cup you need to buy yourself a bro, and it looks like your around a high b low c..almost close to me..and that's kinda sad.
on another note, i apparently didn't get the memo that san antonio temporarily moved to chicago. and of course this is the day i choose to wear a skirt and sleeveless shirt...freezin the whole way to classes and back and having to get a lock down on the skirt..i need to check those memos more often.
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unrealistic expectations
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Feb 28, 2007 10:05 am
823 Views
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so today i went to aural skills 2 as usual. as usual i know the teachers going to be a bitch and make it seem like this class is easy to get an a in..and that all the kids(including me) who are struggling in it for whatever reason are just dumbasses who can't read their solfege.
so after the class i went to talk to her because she wrote on my test that i needed to talk to her(luckily i got a 78 instead of what i was expecting, a 60 and a big long talk about how i suck and how it's easy and i should get this like that and how i'll really be struggling in this class) but she just called me over to say that i wrote the rhythm wrong. when she saw that i slurred the notes she was confused and i explained how i got slurring confused with beaming the notes. then she's all likke with her bitchy voice, aren't you a pianist? yes but hold up bitch
i did that for 13 years in a row, then i haven't done such in 2-3 years!
back in my 13 years of practice if i didn't play over christmas break or spring break i'd fall behind, in violin and piano.
so guess what 2-3 years does!
do you really expect me to remember all that shit if the only thing i'm doing is theory with this and basic? especially when i don't read any notes outside of these two classes and the homework?
oh and i've never gotten singing training. all i've gotten was piano and violin private lessons and a small amount of theory.
so to expect me to be as good as the rest of the class which has had at least 2-3 years of singing training is absolute bullshit!
just wanted to rant cause that teachers so unrealistic it's not even funny!
besides that today was good though.
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hmm
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Feb 27, 2007 12:56 pm
776 Views
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healthy choices eh?lol pretty soon i'm sure you'll be eating rice crust soy cheese pizzas!
i've been thinking and i am thinking about making it so everyone can comment instead of friends only. sure not a big deal i'm sure but i think maybe this will be another way of letting go for me per say.
i don't know how long it will take for me to let go of how my parents used to be and how our dyanimc was poor back then, but i know i'm still not over it.
being in developmental psych and intro to sociology we've talked about some of the same concepts. and right now were into parenting. we just went over the 4 types of parenting. authoritative, authoritarian, indulgent and indifferent. and of course my folks were the authoritarian group. and as the teacher was explaining it i got mad. i got mad i felt hurt and upset.
when we went into why mild vs harsh threats and why mild is better and how most psychologists suggest that spanking should not be involved with discipline it made me feel robbed. it makes me feel robbed because of what they did to me. i was getting emotional with my responses when she asked us questions that illustrated what each parent was and each thing.
i'm like well no wonder i'm not creative/thinking in a sense. because since they installed fear and obedience without any question i can't do anything now. if someone doesn't tell me what to do i feel awkward. no wonder i feel awkward in jobs because i'm used to someone just giving out orders. no wonder when i'm at my friends house they have to tell me to sit down and i can't find out things for myself and i feel like others have to.
i'm still really upset and it still feels like an open wound.
but i'm hoping that slowly i'll get over it. realize that even though they won't appologize nor recognize that's how it was, that their different now. and i'm getting better.
and i think maybe doing this in the future will add to that.
on another note, i'm probably one of the few people that thinks their intelligent/smart/proud of themselves for getting a 73 on a test. i am a weirdo.
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he returns!
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Feb 24, 2007 9:34 am
806 Views
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so awhile ago i mentioned how some people were randomly leaving alt and not saying bye or anything. if you want to read it's right here: sooooo but i recently got a comment from someone that seemed familiar..lo and behold i was right! sub4u3064 has returned!  sweet deal! welcome back.
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special post :)
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Feb 22, 2007 1:25 pm
801 Views
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so i recently joined an ageplay group on livejournal. after i joined i've been bringing up alot of topics(which reminds me i had one i wanted to bring up but now i forgot what it was about) which brought alot of cool discussion. well this one girl there was having a hard time understanding where i came from. and after a couple of times she herself wrote out this post about what she thinks is the main two camps of ageplay subsections..i agreed in her writing and found it pretty cool, so i asked if i could copy and paste it and she said yes. cause if you haven't realized it yet i freakin suck at writing and she wrote it eloquently.
so she said all i had to do is credit her, so here it is: mysexysecrets dot livejournal dot com/profile
without further adieu, here it is, and for those of you who are curious which one i am..i consider myself to be an angeplayer
I think I figured it out...
Ageplayer vs. Ageplay Roleplayer! I think that I'm on to something here. There are definitely at least two distinct communities represented here, and while each of those may have subgroups, I'd like to work on getting the primary definitions -down-. Because these two groups differ so greatly, I think it would help a lot.
Ageplayer is someone who has a "child" or a "Parent" aspect of themselves innately. They have either an aspect of their personality which is childish, or authoritative, respectively, and seeks a yin to that yang in a partner\partners. This is why they can be sexual, or not - those are natural demeanors\mannerisms they possess. They are not separate of the individual, or an act or role they take on, but rather, aspects that they carefully expose much like anyone would protect any portion of themselves from the mainstream that can easily be misinterpreted, abused, etc. or just be starkly out of line for the day to day. The relationships mimic the DS dynamic, where the Parent is usually the "top" however, there are instances where the reverse is true but that is far more common in Ageplay RPing than actual Ageplay. This is more like a "fetish" than "play" as many view this as something either necessary for their sex life or to their life as a whole.
An Ageplay Roleplayer have fantasies or desires that involve age specific sexual encounters. They act out these fantasies\desires by taking on roles with a like minded -adult- partner that may include but are definitely not limited to Father\daughter, Teacher\student. The set age, or ages of the individual Roleplayer is largely based upon the individuals relative ideas regarding innocense and behaviors demonstrated at certain ages, although sometimes it can also be based upon an individuals attractiveness to the body type of a certain age. The age\title of the individual is not necessarily and indication of their -station- in the play, such as Top or Bottom, unlike in Ageplay where it is generally assumed that the elder person, or Parent role is Top. While it is possible and likely that there are many people with an Ageplay RP fetish, which would amount to a need or desire to act out a fantasy sexual situation in order to get off, an Ageplay fetish would be the need or desire to regress to a younger state or assume responsibility\care for a person in a younger state for sexual\emotional fullfillment.
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woo hoo :)
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Feb 21, 2007 12:13 pm
763 Views
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the sun is here!! i really feel like i should meditate more about what the sun means to me. it brightens my day. even when it just peeks out it makes me smile and the warmth makes everything good. it rejuvenates me and makes me feel complete. maybe i am a sun sign(don't quite remember) or have some connection to it..i think i do.
anyway i'm doin really really good right now. i hope this is the sign of spring, i say bring it on!
because i'm so happy i'll grace this post with a picture of me in my panda hat. panda power as my best friend joey says.lol
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a bit to soon
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Feb 20, 2007 9:44 am
746 Views
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so recently this guy  asked what's going on with this topic i brought up: first class of the semester is a win! and i said nothing else was going on so far...
but i spoke to quickly because we were brought to our attention about it last monday(my class is mwf). so it made me laugh when i realized it..because he was seeing to far into the future, which i tend to do when i'm sensing things out. but that's another subject.
so our test is wensday in this class which is about classical conditioning. so on monday we were pretty much taught that being a masochist, or having any sort of fetish comes from classical conditioning and pretty much nothing else. she also was doing this weird l33tage stuff...where she was like sure there are some variants but only true masochists cannot become sexually aroused unless they are receiving pain. so it was weird because it kinda came out like yeah masochists are weird people who are classically conditioned through weird events to become this way, but then their somewhat fake if they don't fit the 'true' definition of one.
she also revealed abit more about the guest speaker, it's going to be a she. and she said it'll go on in march..
then she went on to pedophiles.
anyway, that was all the updated info on that for now..i'll leave it open so swami can post.
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big progress
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Feb 19, 2007 11:38 am
667 Views
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today my therapist and i made huge progress with me and my emotional state.
i came to admit that i enjoy being depressed because it makes me feel special. it makes me feel like i'm worth something. it makes me feel like i'm more talented and creative, that their is somewhat a romantic tragedy association with it..and that when i choose to go in bed to cry and scream in my pillow and not eat, it is loving myself. it is patting me on the back, it is loving myself when i feel like no one else is giving me the comfort that i need. which i didn't see until he told me. for me it's like saying i've been hurt, that person was mean to me, or things are going out of control or over my head, and i'm being ignored but it's okay and i love myself anyway.
and i also learned that ruminating on things isn't necessarily good..and i don't learn from the rumination, i learn from asking myself why.
i learned that when i'm depressed, i might be depressed for false reasons. and if i do not confront things or ask things it can spiral downward.
that depression makes things harder to discern from true to false. and that it's okay to be depressed, everyone gets depressed, but allowing myself to continue to be this way isn't good.
and that i need to let it go.
and i need to realize that i'm talented and special without the depression.
and if i get that way i need to ask myself WHY. why am i depressed, what's causing it?
i guess in a sense it is like walking around with the blanket like linus from charlie brown. and that's why i feel threatened in therapy when we came to this point, which i told him..because i feel like he's taking away my ability to be special, my ability to be okay..and that in reality he's helping me get more energy to be creative, to be me, and to think.
today was really really good...i made associations with things i didn't know, and besides this main thought i also found other little thoughts.
i learned that i cannot always handle things by myself. that i can't do everything..that it's okay to tell someone that i can't help them right now..and not to overrun myself. and it doesn't make me a bad person to ask for help, to depend on someone, or to not help someone all the time..that i have to worry about me too and not just do it because someone asks all the time.
unfortunately our school has a rule where you cannot see the therapists on campus more than 12 times a year. and right now i've seen him 13 times. their cracking down on this so i don't get to see him until the monday after spring break, but i feel he has given me artillery to deal with my depression and new exercises to use to increase my coping abilities with it.
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ageplay to me
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Feb 18, 2007 1:37 pm
671 Views
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so i recently joined a couple of ageplay groups over at livejournal which seemed somewhat active..i joined alot and will delete the inactive ones..but anyway one that i joined i asked a couple of questions there that i've asked on bondage dot com ageplay groups and got more of a conversation that i wanted...well this guy brought up a comment that i responded to and felt quite proud of myself for explaining my perception on it...so i wanted to share this and some thoughts..i was talkin to SubHunter_69 and he said i opened his eyes to my perspective about it, and if i can help others see that i want to continue.
this is where the original conversation came from:
question/thought 1:
i was chatting with someone about little girls and boys and 'playing/pretending/acting' to be younger vs. it being apart of you. the discussion made me wonder, am i the only one that feels that way from a littles perspective? is my viewpoint of it really 'another language/reality' or do others see a mix or the other way?
so here is the parts of the convo i want people to give coments on:
him: but that's a roleplay channel... you act like you're little
Kilm that's playing a role
jesskitty i don't think it's acting
jesskitty i don't like that word
jesskitty because lots of people don't understand
jesskitty that just like dommes/subs/switches are who they are
Kilmain well you're pretending to be much younger than you are... right?
jesskitty and it's not putting on an act
jesskitty it's just who you are like your right arm and apart of your personality and self
jesskitty so can ageplayers be
jesskitty so i don't like act
jesskitty because just like being a d/s m/s person is who you are being a little is that to me
Kilmain again... you pretend to be younger than you are...?
jesskitty i don't see it that way
jesskitty so i'll go with no
jesskitty there's more to age than pyshical age
Kilmain but in truth you are roleplaying because you are pretending to be something that you are not
Kilmain At least I understand now why it was so hard to discuss in the channel... your reality is a bit different from most other people's version of reality
jesskitty what do you mean by that
Kilmain What most of the world calls "pretending" or "acting" or "roleplaying"... you do not. You have a much different definition and that makes it hard for other people to relate to you or understand your poing.
Kilmain point
jesskitty hum
jesskitty i disagree
jesskitty it depends on the person
jesskitty most people that i talk to that are little girls on the lower age spectrum see it the way i do
jesskitty and most of the ones that are older or just do it for roleplay and don't consider it possible for a 24/7 thing see it the way you see it
jesskitty so i really do think it's different
Kilmain Well... since I've already found that your ideas and semantics are somewhat at odds with reality..(the rest of it goes into flaming instead of real discussion)
so what do you think?
this is how one person responded:
I use the term role playing to refer to my ageplay all the time. As an actor and acting teacher, I understand how often playing a role IS being that person. People use the terms "being IN character" all the time - I experience ageplay in exactly the same way. YES I forget who I "really" am, but it is still (for me) playing a role. Who I am, in reality, is a 24 year old trans-guy. My ROLE, or who I am "being" for that time is not reality, but that doesn't mean it doesn't feel real.
I don't feel comfortable with how many people in the ageplay community, Gorean community, and furry community seem out of touch with reality. I feel that the message of "inside, I really AM a 4 year old" is a cop-out from reality, rather than a healthy way of playing and feeling good and enjoying ourselves.
And now I'm sure I've just offended a bunch of people.
to which i responded:
didn't offend, just a different p.o.v. for me i don't feel comfortable with how many people in the ageplay community(i've heard of gor,never read the books, doesn't interest me, so i don't claim to know a thing about it) try to push far away from what it really is. how many into ageplay say, i just call him daddy but we don't ageplay. he just takes care of me more tenderly than a master/dom would do but it's not ageplay. i act little in front of him and he's okay with it but it's not ageplay. things like that and more that try to push them far away from the stigmatized word ageplay is what makes me uncomfortable. it also makes me sad to think it's more acceptable to be in a d/s m/s relationship, than it is to be in a big/little relationship.
maybe your misunderstanding where i come from. to me when i'm little it's like being in what others claim to be as sub space. is claiming to be in sub space being out of touch with reality? it gets to a certain point where just in sub space you loose yourself and you are caught in the moment but at the same time you know exactly who you are. i know that i am a 19 year old girl, but at the same time, relationship wise whenever i am around daddy i am his little girl. i do not feel like i am a certain age..as i said in my introduction i don't understand how people can revert back to a certain age because when i revert it depends on my mood/situation/comfortableness/etc how far i revert back to. but around him i just feel the need to let my little side come out, which i view as personality. it is a persona that you share..just like i have a geeky persona, an intelligent one, a stuck up one, a prissy one, a down to earth, a supernatural/spiritual one and so much more that i sometimes do not show unless i am in the right atmosphere. to me this is what i mean. to me these are things you cannot turn off or on, they just come out with a natural push, and you choose to push them back when need be. just as a submissive/dom/what have you will walk around in public and get an electric spark, a look in the eyes between each other that shows who they are deep down, even without knowing that person but feeling/seeing/sensing it in a passing by manner, i too get that feeling around men who are daddy's i naturally want to go little even without knowing them, but a more cautious little than what i would be around my daddy. so it is more than a role, it is who i am, a persona i choose to let out in safe/correct environments.
discussion is part of what i wanted to bring, so different viewpoints are okay, as long as were cordial about it.
i also wanted to give my opinion about being a certain age:
with me it's not about being an age. for awhile i didn't see how some daddy's daddy/doms would think that you should revert to one age every single time. i thought that was ludicrous and that it's more fluid than being one age all the time. i recognize if i'm little depending on mood/event etc. i'm different around a chatroom that is ageplay oriented if i'm new to it, i might go older but abit little to test the safety of it. around my daddy or other lil friends i'll be littler. if i feel more older i'll be older. so i never see how someone can go to one age over and over. i didn't quite understand the need to tag to one specific age either. to me i was just bein lil and it didn't need to have an age and the specific age thing was dumb to me.
but now i'm in developmental psych which is a boring class and teacher doesn't explain things well. but the stuff were learning it clicks. were doing learning about how kids develop emotions, attachment, etc. i recognize the characteristics we were talking about when i was really that age; and i wonder how much of my personality back then dictates my personality now and how much will it dictate in the future. when i'm little it helps me understand some things cause sometimes i would go little and not understand why i would feel some ways while in that little mindset. but the more we talk about concepts the more i get it and i get now how some people can attach to numbers. that age shows the cognitive levels you have when your little.
like right now when i go really little i'm around the stage where kids get attached to their 'caregivers'. and now i realize i was going through attachment issues and that at a certain age all kids go through that until they mature and go on. well i don't view ageplay as maturing, that you start at 0 and grow up to be 18. to me your just at a certain age and your exploring yourself at that age. so it made sense to me after hearing that why i was like that. but before hearing that i wouldn't get that.
so that's what makes me mad too. people don't think it's that complex. oh yeah harming your partner with their consent is complex, but ageplay naww. and that's why i tend to use terms others would get like subspace to explain being little. because at a certain point you just are fully little and your big/adult/real age part goes away.
and that's my viewpoint for today. yeah
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annoyed
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Feb 18, 2007 1:32 pm
633 Views
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so my last post has yet to come up. which means i have to delete it and try to repost it to show if it comes off. to me it annoys me...because i was talking about ageplay in my last post...so it seems that alt anything else is a okay to post but the second i talk about something serious it goes away... not a happy kitty at alt at all  let's see if it'll actually let me post it..because they always have issues posting any posts i talk about ageplay..can we say....coincidentally false. yet all this other stuff goes on a okay...-_-*sighs* anyway let's see if it'll work.
and i'm also amused at how it's being cut off. there are alot of people here who have longer entries all the time than mine is...>.<;
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To link to this blog (jesskitty) use [blog jesskitty] in your messages.
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