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A week
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Apr 11, 2012 5:50 am
3973 Views
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I know it's been a week but really I got nothing... hey I've got two weeks to finals... I also work two jobs... Have you ever tried being witty and forthcoming on four hours of sleep... it's an excuse if I say it is... you know what, screw you, I'm going home!
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... Yeah
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Apr 4, 2012 7:12 pm
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So driving home from work and I come up to this car that's stopped at a four way blinking red light. It's just sitting there with no other traffic coming or going... Just sitting there... after about five minutes I get out of my car and walk up to see a young blonde sitting in the drivers seat. I tap on the window and she seems startled but rolls down her window.
"Yes?" She asks.
"Is everything okay?" I say
"Yeah..." She replies, giving me that sideways look.
"Then why haven't you gone through the light?" I snap at her.
She huffs and gestures at the light, "It's going too fast. I can't get through."
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Holy shit its me
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Mar 31, 2012 5:52 pm
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The Sexual Submissive
A sexual submissive is a person who manifests submissive traits only in direct connection with sexual arousal and release. In all other aspects of their life this person will probably comport themselves in a manner that is neutral or indistinguishable from a nonscene related person, vanilla.
There is one line of thought that a sexual submissive may be more closely related to a scene fetisher than to a submissive who is submissive throughout the scope of their life.
A fetish is an object or part of the body that arouses sexual or libidinal interest generally to the conclusion of genital or orgasmic release.
In this case the fetish becomes a part of the mind or thought processes that triggers sexual arousal rather than what we typically consider to be a fetish object such as a 'shoe fetish' or even a body worship fetisher i.e. a person who is sexually aroused by the action of body worship. Since the mind is obviously part of the body, this thought process can then be viewed as potentially a fetish even though the thought process itself might be relatively broad and appear to be unfocused (in terms of fetish type focus or obsessions). When the entire mental process becomes obsessive the specialization seen or noted in traditional fetish behavior becomes inclusive or not easy to note.
It is interesting to consider that within the framework of 'scening' or the theater of the sexual arena the sexual submissive may present every aspect of submissive behavior and will in truth become 'during' that scene or sexual arena to all extents and purposes a submissive.
A person whose sexual triggers are so linked to submissive behavior may have great difficulty understanding their 'lack' of submissive feelings, desires or thoughts outside of the sexual arena. Some might even consider themselves to be flawed or stuck, as if they have reached a type of submissive plateau when in actuality they are not submissive in the broadest sense of that term at all.
It is common for a sexual submissive to have strong mental submissive or 'force' imagery within their mind at any time they are in a sexually 'interested' state. This would be any time the body was desirous of physical genital release. This long obsessive state leads many sexual submissives to erroneously believe that they must 'be' submissive since they have such a strong desire to experience the submissive 'condition' during sex. The sexual submissive may find that they are experiencing many conflicting mental messages when they attempt to adopt submissive behaviors outside of the sexual arena. They might note that the submissive behaviors do not feel natural to them, nor even comfortable. They might also note that their submissive sexual thoughts revolve around sexual specific submissive behaviors and are not inclusive of all submissive behaviors. These internal limits may feel peculiar and may elicit challenge and lack of understanding of the sexual submissive when they are in direct contact with a dominant who is unfamiliar with the nature of a sexual submissive.
The sexual submissive in their 'vanilla' life is most likely to present themselves in an almost neutral framework to others. A few may manifest overt dominance but most indicate that they dislike conflict, may struggle with decision making although they are competent to make decisions. Many also indicate a lifetime of feelings of internal insecurity, sometimes based upon the conflictive mental messages relating to their sexual interests.
One of the indicators or identifiable traits of a sexual submissive occurs in the aftermath of a sexual scene where they have performed as a submissive. After the sexual 'scene' has reached its natural conclusion the sexual submissive may in fact feel strong feelings of remorse, chagrin and confusion over the nature of their nature. Many do not really understand why they need to relate to their intimate partners from a truly submissive framework, why this arouses them so strongly and why the aftermath is so challenging and difficult.
Some sexual submissives feel a sense of revulsion for their actions or behaviors and have great difficulty returning to a state of well-being sometimes for hours after the sexual scene has concluded in genital orgasmic release. This sense of revulsion can appear almost instantly once orgasm has occurred. If a sexual submissive is 'active' and experiences submissive sex frequently the sexual submissive becomes more able to handle or manage their feelings and to understand the process of their behaviors.
From a dominants perspective being with a sexual submissive can be enormously enjoyable, primarily if the two are sexually compatible within the framework of the fetish type triggers that the sexual submissive displays. It may allow the dominant to dominate during this type of very erotic scene and be able to be with their partner in a neutral almost vanilla type relationship in all other areas of their life. This can be a relief to a dominant if their mindset or personality is such that they desire to be with a sexual submissive, enjoy their scening but not have to perform as a dominant the rest of the time.
The dominant who is actively with a sexual submissive must also learn to allow the sexual submissives feelings of 'revulsion' after the scene has ended and not personalize this revulsion as having anything to do with them. The revulsion should be anticipated, the dominant may elect to provide nurturing or supportive activities noted to ease the sexual submissives immediate feelings. It should be noted that the revulsion is not directed at the dominant by the sexual submissive but at the actions of submission itself which the sexual submissive has engaged in.
A sexual submissive will often have or experience great difficulty with presenting themselves as a submissive outside of the sexual arena and may have great conflicts in understanding how they fit into the D/s lifestyle community since the existence of a 'limiting' submissive isn't written about or spoken of in almost any venue.
Comes from a steel-door newsletter article
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Breathing
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Mar 27, 2012 11:11 am
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Being a martial artist I work a lot with my breath. Breathing while grappling takes control of both your mind and body. When in a submission you can't panic, you can't hyperventilate, you have to take short calming natural breaths that keep your muscles relaxed.
During striking breath is key. Every strike is an explosion of breath that adds power and keeps your lungs active. It feeds the muscles and keeps the mind focused. When you get punched in the face the first time you can't lose your breath, if you do, before you know it you'll be in a brain fart going on instinct because you can't think.
I also do yoga and the breathing is so different in that than in my martial arts. Long deep breaths with so much purpose behind them, my body get's a little oxygen high whenever this happens.
In life when things get busy and seem out of control. When they spin and spin and spin and you loose sight of your spot. When that first leak in the dam turns the crack into a hole. You just have to breath. Breath through it all, breath through the turbulence, breath through the bumpy ride,breath through the sharp spring poking you in your back, breath through the smoke clogging your lungs, just breath through everything.
But how? what kind of breaths? the short sharp explosions? the medium natural breaths? the long deep all engulfing breaths? what kind do you use when all you do is go from one thing to the next to the next and there isn't time? no time at all...
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Theatre
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Mar 23, 2012 6:39 am
5550 Views
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The theatre the theatre what has happened to the theatre especially where... directing is concerened. Okay not quite the same lines but danny kaye would understand. I constantly asked in my department why i want to just be a playwright. i ask them back, have you ever directed... i would rather ride heard on three seven year olds, two two teenagers and a nine year over two twenty year old actors any day of the week, ugh.
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Vindication
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Mar 20, 2012 11:54 am
5848 Views
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My roommates got two nephews, a six year old and an eight year old. They are both problem children, defiant, never listen, doing things they know they aren't supposed to. I really blame the whole family. The parents discipline is to threaten ten or fifteen times then explode. The grandparents and my roommate think their both angels and can do no wrong. When punished, either grandma or aunty always makes it like the father was wrong for punishing them, "Oh was daddy mean to you, its ok, its ok." Never the exact words but always the feeling. I've taken developmental classes and by eight, there shouldn't be testing of authority. They should know the behavior limits, of course these guys do know their limits, it's beyond any bad behavior the average parent would accept. For the last few years I've been trying to drop hints that something is up with their behavior. Just two weeks ago the oldest was diagnosed with ADHD, ODD and low functioning intelligence. Now the major one is ODD, it in essence means that he's a spoiled little brat who can't cope with not being the center of attention in a classroom situation. He reacts with aggression and defiant behavior. Now I feel like I've been vindicated but I feel sorry for the kid... because the grandparents and aunt don't really believe it, still think he's the smartest little angel on the planet.
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Long week
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Mar 17, 2012 3:40 pm
6002 Views
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It's been a loooong week, just like i thought it would be.
Happy st patty's day which means my birthday's tomorrow, it snuck up on me lol.
The wyoming legislature passed a bill through the first round to promote a state mma commissioner, which is one reason i stopped fighting in the first place. Two more rounds and the senate to go, we need it.
I started training again, probably not the best week for that, i've got 35 lbs to loose if i want to get down to fighting weight.
The lord favors the well prepared right.
Karate testing was on tuesday, three out of seven down(All passed), four more on this tuesday.
Went and hung out with the laramie kinky group last night, on the fet life they're called Laramie Kinksters, they should be called Kinky Laramie Geeks, nothing wrong with that but I'm not into gaming, I'm not into RPG's, I'm not into storage wars on the discovery channel and can't quote the harry potter movies front to back. I don't smoke pot, I've already gone through that "lets get drunk every weekend" phase, and I don't nor have ever gotten trying to get laid as much as possible no matter the possible std threat. there were 7 ranging from 19 to 22, me at 27, and TG at 42. The TG acted like the nineteen but couldn't stop talking about generation gaps. I think she's going through that second puberty you hear about but still hung up on age. there was about five minutes of intelligent conversation about the hierarchies of fetishism in our life, best part of the night. Trying to decide if i want to go back, had a decent time but then afterward it felt like a waste of time.
maybe i'm a snob,
maybe i'm too intelligent for my own good,
maybe i'm too arrogant,
maybe i take this shit too seriously,
maybe i'm too mature,
maybe i'm too introspective,
i figure i'll give them at least one more chance, see what happens but really when the conversation is dominated by what video games have the best endings and life at the dorms...
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spring break
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Mar 12, 2012 6:42 am
6231 Views
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It's going to be a long week, but not necessarily a bad one. I told my supervisor that it's spring break and i was going to be able to work all week. He said yay! so eight to five's this whole week.
good news is, my supervisors' supervisor is going to be gone wed thur and fri, now that's something to celebrate.
he's the type of guy that just his mere presence is going to ensure that a mistake is going to be made. when ever he comes out to the warehouse the stress level quadruples, ugh.
so with him gone three fifths of the week actually won't be so long.
don't get me wrong, i'm not complaining, this gives me a chance to prepare for the summer, get used to working eight to fives, which is what i do from may to august. and the extra money won't hurt.
karate testing tomorrow, had a brief scare last night when roommate says, the NIT is starting on tuesday and wyoming might get a seed. implying that if they got in and played we'd have to move testing again. thankfully they didn't. it would have been the fourth move.
working on a play that i put in victorian virginia. first one i've written based in the past. one of our regulars at the gas station, crazy woman, admittedly takes magic pills, told me some stories about her grandmother who used to tutor for a rich family and i thought, shit that's a restoration play. so i'm trying it out.
okay didn't mean to talk about all that, just meant to say my spring break is only going to be a break from classes but oh well lol
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Brunch
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Mar 10, 2012 11:19 am
6362 Views
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Just had a brunch (I call it that because it was breakfast that lasted until noon lol) with a good friend, Whom I've know since junior high, and his mom, who's also my friend, and for the first time we had an intelligent adult conversation the whole time. There wasn't any breaks to exchange faux insults, we didn't talk about video games, we didn't talk about movies, for once we actually discussed life and its complexities. Current events, and some gossip reigned lol. It hit me when i got in the car that this was the first time for us three to be together (obviously not the first brunch we've shared)and we Didn't spend 90 percent of the time teasing or insulting or making useless albeit entertaining conversation about information that is neither useful or immediate... and to tell you the truth it was refreshing but at the same time depressing... when the hell did we become an adults?
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Messages
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Mar 8, 2012 8:38 pm
6693 Views
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Thoughts on spirituality, I am a luthern. I go to church when I can, sadly I work at 5 am on sundays most of the time so I don't get to go very often. My parents live a state away and whenever I go on vacation I visit them and get to go to church. I try to pray every night, I have a standard prayer.
God, bless my friends, bless my family, bless those that have touched my life. I ask to be kept on the path of my life, keep me on the straight and narrow path, do not let me stray.
I add specific prayers, asking for Him to bless or watch out for or comfort those I feel are in need.
I sometimes ask for strength when I feel I am failing in some sort of aspect
I listen to the christian station often, sometimes for months at a time.
This evening I was driving home from karate and the moon was as large as I've ever seen it. On the radio was a song about fighting the demons and accepting the light into your life.
As the moon shown brighter than I have seen it in a long time the song played on. Fill me with your light, let your light burn out all dark.
What message was trying to be sent to me. How was the light trying to get in my soul.
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