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Wondering again....
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Apr 24, 2006 6:15 pm
1166 Views
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A conversation I had recently with someone got me to thinking again. They asked me what I was looking for in a relationship. It was someone I think is vanilla so that was the way my mind went first.
I had the usual thoughts of someone who's personal issues I can deal with because I have learned that ass we get older it is not finding someone without issues or baggage but instead it is finding someone's who's issues or baggage are things you can handle and deal with. We all have these things and you can only ignore them for so long. Then I thought of the sense of humor. I have a slightly demented sense of humor so if someone is lacking that it can cause problems when they do not get what is so funny to me.
Then I really started thinking. I want someone strong because I myself is strong. Lately I have realized that I want someone who understands the whole me. I want them to get my kinks, my "normal" side (at least I pretend I have some normal sides), and understand my physical illnesses (don't worry if you are new to me nothing contagious). However here is where I get hung up trying to reconcile what I have known before and what I am discovering. You see the last few weeks have been very difficult both physically and mentally as I try to wrap up school and keep healthy. I have found myself longing for someone to hold me, comfort me and assure me that all will indeed be OK. I am terrified of storms. I want someone to be with me in these storms so that I do not have to always be the brave one. I want to talk, express opinions and sometimes debate things. However, I also want to serve someone. To please them and learn more and experience more of this side of life that I have been discovering for the past six months or so.I have an amazing amount of curiosity and have absolutely loved everything that I have experienced so far. I ask you can these things be found in the same relationship? Can I be a sub or slave to someone and have the rest or must I forgo the other to serve one well?
Where is the balance how does it work? I have only recently began wondering about this because I have just recently needed this caring and comforting. Do you just hang out snuggle and watch movies? Can I cry on my Master's shoulder when life is just too overwhelming and I think I am about to break?
I just wonder if you can have both, the best of everything. Is it like having your cake and eating it too? I would love nothing more than to be able to have both sides in one person, but is it even possible?
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Another Storm!!!!
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Apr 18, 2006 2:39 pm
1193 Views
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OK I am REALLY sick of storms now. As many of you know I have a great fear or phobia of storms. It kicks it whenever the wind blows and it's raining and just increases as you add in other elements like thunder, lightning, and hail.
On Easter my son wanted to see a tornado really bad. I mistakenly told him he would not see one with me and he actually called his grandpa to ask to see a tornado. Well around 3 hours after he made this request, his wish was granted in our back yard!
I live in the middle of nowhere. On the other side of the field my grandparents live. As the storm warnings were going off and everyone on TV was getting excited aboutthe storm coming. I took my radio, some candles and a blanket down to the basement and got things ready. Called my son to get ready to go to the basement because I get a little overly paranoid at times. We take a few books with us and read while it storms. I was listening to the radio and they mentioned a wall cloud very close to my road coordinates. I look out the back door on the landing of the basement steps and for the first time I thought, "I'll be damned there is the wall cloud." I actually ran back to the kitchen and grabbed the camera. There was very little wind and I wanted to show Dad. As I stood there at the door a funnel began to drop from the cloud. "Oh, shit" came outof my mouth and my son came up to take a look. "Is that a tornado?" he asked. I told him "Yes." Well it then occurred to me that it was forming directly over the field between my house and my grandparents so I called Grandpa and offered for them to come down. His reply "Ah, its not a bad one and it looks like it will go right between the houses anyway." Well, amazingly I stood and watched it and let my son watch a bit. The people on the radio were a few miles away watching and talking about how slow moving and little rotation were involved. It seemed to literally stop behind the field for almost 30 minutes before it started moving about 25 miles an hour to the northeast again. I took some pictures of it through my door. Nothing was going to get me outside of that door, as if it offered a lot of protection. When the hail hit I went to the basement and started reading books as they called off the road coordinates on the radio of my corner. It actually touched down for about 600 yards in the field across the road but luckily didn't do any damage. We survived just fine lost a few limbs off some of my big old trees. I really hope my son does not ask to see a bigger tornado next time.
The picture is out of my back door looking at one of the funnels beginning to form.
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Another Damn Storm
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Apr 15, 2006 11:44 pm
1134 Views
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As I sit here thinking about going to sleep. I see the flashes of lightning out of my window with the distant rumbling of thunder. I am so sick of storms. We spent around 1 1/2 hours in the basement last night as all the strong lines of storms passed and there were tornado's and "rotations in the clouds" as the sheriff on the radio said all around us. Two different severe storm fronts last night. Enough all ready. This spring has been awful. You would think with all this exposure I would get over my fear, but it is not helping. The golf ball size hail yesterday that broke windows out of cars all over was pretty intense. It was definitely something to experience but I would have preferred to pass on that one. Remind me to never let my son play the drums, all the pounding yesterday made me realize I would never be able to handle it.
Well the lightning is getting closer so I am shutting everything down and trying to go to sleep.
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Life gets in the way
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Apr 15, 2006 11:25 pm
757 Views
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Well, life is getting in the way of my web life right now. I have no energy left over for blogging and chatting or even e-mailing at times. I know most of you that know me understand. I am desperately working my ass off trying to survive the next three weeks and keep my health in tact and then I will be back among the true bloggers of alt. I really miss you all. This is the longest I have gone without reading very much from you since I found blogland and I have missed it. I just wanted every one to know that I am not as down as I was and though I am a long way from feeling good I am feeling much better. Thank you all for you positive thoughts and energy. I am sure it has helped. I must try to get some sleep now. Hunting easter eggs is bound to come early around here.
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It continues...
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Apr 9, 2006 11:01 pm
760 Views
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Hey all,
Just a quick update. I am still not feeling myself at all. So I will write more once I snap out of it. I am just so tired and not feeling well at all. I will write more when I feel better. Thank you all so much for your good thoughts and well wishes. I will get out of this funk soon. It is spring and it is normally my favorite time of year so I am sure I will catch spring fever soon. Maybe I just wore myself out too much.
p.
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One of those days
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Apr 7, 2006 9:15 pm
811 Views
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I am having one of those days. I am so tired and so sore. I have accomplished a lot personally the last couple of weeks, but right now I do not care. I want to crawl into a hole and hide from the world. I just want to be. I want all the stress and problems to just go away. I want someone to hold me and tell me everything is going to be OK.
The weird thing is nothing bad has happened. I think I might just be exhausted, phsically, mentally, and emotionally spent. I am so fatigued, and yet I have so much to do. How am I going to get away from this spot? I hate it so much and yet nothing is changing it. I read the words of others and smile but as soon as my mind is not occupied it is back to wanting to hide.
Hopefully it will end soon.
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I'm Back
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Apr 6, 2006 9:50 am
615 Views
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Hello Everyone. I hope you are all well.
I just got back in town from an academic conference. It was also a competition and we won our region!!!! I will be traveling again next month to a national academic conference. It will be great.
I had internet problems before I left and could not let you all know what was going on. Soon, very soon I might actually be caught up for a bit and back to my normal fun blogging.
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Tagged By DominKnow
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Apr 3, 2006 6:51 pm
609 Views
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What are your 5 favorite fetish toys and why?
1. Collar - Not really a toy, but nothing on Earth makes me feel the way having a collar locked around my neck does.
2. Hood - I have only lightly played with one on. It was intense. I love the sensory deprivation. The fact that it had a removable gag and blindfold made it all the better. There are some things that are much more difficult to do well through a hood and I loved the challenge. I also loved the way I felt completely submissive and at Master's will in one. (shivering as I remember)
3. Bullet - though not necessarily a fetish toy. I can not say enough about how good it feels on a clit, especially right after you change the batteries. (I may need to take a break before I finish this list.)
4. Leather Belt - The satisfying heavy thud as it makes my ass sting and the fire burning after it strikes again. I love the thick belts.
5. Clothespins - So simple and yet so effective. They are better than any nipple clamps I have played with. The fact that they feel tighter and tighter the longer they are on. They are inexpensive and plentiful are just bonus features.
What specific fetish tool/device/toy do you think you would like to try and why?
I do not have any clue if I would like it or what it feels like, etc., but I have been very curious about fucking machines ever since I recently found out they existed. Who would have thought? Well I didn't, but I just am so curious. I would love to try one once and then maybe more depending on how it went.
What specific fetish tool/device/toy do you know how to make?
Well, if it has to do with food I am a good bet. If you have to use tool sto make it count me out.
Are you willing to tell the rest of the people reading this blog how to make it?
Just ask for a recipe I probably have it somewhere.
If you accidentally left one of your most secret fetish toys out in the open for a neighbor to find, how would you explain what it is and why you have it?
Well, after dialing 911 (my neighbors are my grandparents) for the heart-attack they were having, I would probably hope they forgot about it after they were released from the hospital.
I would use the same strategy DominKnow does with my kids. A minimal answer. For my friends I would also use DominKnow's "It's a toy". If it's followed with "What is it used for?", my answer would be "What do you think I use it for?". Followed by a big smile.
I am going to tag those of you that read this and have not been tagged yet.
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A very late response to my tag
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Apr 2, 2006 3:44 pm
603 Views
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Tagged by
sweetsub
I am really late in replying to this. I have had a really busy couple of weeks and am trying hopelessly to get caught up. I am going to steal some of Annette's answers because as usual I agree with her on many points and she puts it so well.
WHAT ARE THE TRAITS THAT YOU THINK DISTINGUISH A TRUE DOM/ME FROM THE REST OF THE PACK
One who is caring enough to get to know the real you.
One who is open enough to let you get to know the real him/her
One who respects you completely for all that you are,
One who is respects him/herself
One who communicates not just openly, and honestly, but effectively too.
One who asks that you be nothing more than yourself.
One who exercises patience, and plenty of it
One who practices well being for not just those they get involved with, for everyone who could possibly and has been involved.
The above are the ones I agree with Annette on and I can not think of a better way to rewrite them. Actually I agree with all of hers but these are the only ones I would have come up with on my own.
In addition I will add. My true Dom will
Know when I have had too much even when I do not.
Appreciate my mind for all it is.
Be able to laugh when the situation calls for it.
Want me exactly as I am and be comfortable with exactly who he is.
Have a presence that you feel and understand.
Not be afraid to be completely real and honest.
Understand the priorities in my life and accept these.
Be able to deal with the fact that I am not always 100% and that there is nothing I can do about it.
Have an almost insatiable sexual appetite (they can all be serious now).
Know when I need spanked, hugged, comforted, consoled, toyed with, loved, humiliated, and left alone.
I will not tag anyone except for those of you that want to do this. I have been so far behind you may have all already answered.
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Feature questions...
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Mar 31, 2006 8:28 pm
577 Views
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Ok I am trying to figure out all these new and improved features on Alt. I think that you must be a paying member to use the respond button a blog. Does anyone know if that is right? There are so many options on my blog now and every time I hit one it says in essence give me money.
I have an idea of what feature they should charge for if they want to make us all pay but I am not saying more because they would probably do it.
Also with all these new and improved features, why can they not make on so you can go through a blog an entry at a time and read the comments. Unless I am missing something you have to go main blog page, specific entry page, main blog page, specific entry page, etc. I would love to be able to catch up with someone's blog by paging through an entry at a time.
At least things seem to be posting much faster. Thank you alt gods. It has been awhile since I have waited for an entry to post for an entire weekend.
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